How to politely shut other people down ?

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Diavore

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How to politely shut other people down ?
« on: May 03, 2017, 10:45:38 PM »
Pretty much EVERY time the topic of my co-parenting situation comes up and I make an attempt to confide in someone, I get the typical unsolicited advice of how I should call my lawyer, file this, that, etc. go to child support enforcement, blah, blah, blah...all the stuff that yes, would be the logical solution if dealing with even a half normal person but does nothing or makes matters worse when dealing with a NPD.

I find myself getting angry, defensive as if "Really!  Ya seriously think I never F'ing thought of/tried that?"  I feel MORE invalidated, traumatized, ALONE as a result of peoples well meaning logical outlook on what has become my miserable crazy life where I've spent almost $50k in legal fees to end up worse off than I was when I was actually with this whacko that I was never married to but had a child with.

Love being told how amicability is really whats best for my daughter, etc. by people who have no idea how I could be so literally fearful for my life around someone who I admit, never laid a hand on me. 

How do you folks shut people down.  I need to get a tactic for this down as each of these types of interactions sends me into a PTSD episode.

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Three Roses

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2017, 11:55:36 PM »
First of all, welcome!

You don't say who these people are. Maybe some of these responses would work for you (but I'm only guessing as I don't know the context):

1. "I prefer not to discuss it." (If your child is anywhere within earshot, this is an excellent and valid reason.)

2. Try asking them a question. Most people love to talk about themselves, so give them the opportunity. "Have you been in this situation?"

3. Feign an interruption. "Oh, sorry, hang on - I'll be right back."

4. If they are rude enough to press you, try something direct. "I know you must be trying to help, but your comments are upsetting me."

I can't think of anything else except maybe pushing them backward over a chair. Woops! :) I'm sure others will have more suggestions. Thanks for joining!  :wave:

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Candid

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2017, 07:45:08 AM »
Probably best not to confide co-parenting worries to people who don't know your circumstances. You'd do better with a women's organisation or someplace that tackles domestic violence.

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Diavore

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2017, 10:21:18 AM »
That's the issue, these ARE people familiar with my situation.  Close friends and family who have had a front row seat for years.  People think I'm "letting" him get away with it by doing "nothing" and "allowing" his behavior, "enabling" him, etc.   They all know Ive spent my entire life savings in legal fees to end up almost suicidal when the court system falls for all his lies and deceit so I just end up isolating even more.  Questioning myself and my own sanity, etc. 

I get advice like "LIfe is what you make of it" while this man just moved onto my F'ing street where I have to watch him remodel his house while I cant even pay for hot water in mine because he doesn't honor the court orders I wasted my retirement savings getting.

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Candid

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2017, 10:27:17 AM »
Do you have the support of a women's aid organisation?

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Blueberry

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2017, 12:11:32 PM »
I'm sorry, Diavore, that sounds really difficult.

Best thing I can think of is checking out the toolbox at our sister website http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1 There's what to do and what not to do. You can also search for terms like Medium Chill and Gray Rock. Though maybe somebody there sent you over here. I'm sorry if that happened. I'd say the tools are listed and explained over there. Discussing it how to deal with it when you have (C)PTSD and might be triggered on Out Of The Fog is here.

The other thing is: it sounds as if these people in your life don't understand and - sad to say - maybe never will understand. I've just been going through those sorts of realisations recently. It was quite painful but then I realised it would be better to withdraw from family of origin and their friends/acquaintances because they are doing me far more harm than good. I realise because of your daughter, you can't say: No Contact, but try Medium Chill and Gray Rock, and find somebody else to confide in, somebody who's compassionate.

If it helps you can post and or rant on here too. You will find compassion here.  :hug:

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Wife#2

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2017, 12:39:58 PM »
One thing we've begun using at my house to stop unsolicited advice is: 'Thank you for caring, but your helping AIN'T helping.'

We discussed this so that everyone understands it's said with love and a concern for the other person's feelings. Still, sometimes, what I call help won't help you - so my helping AIN'T helping. It's direct and not overly mean. When we get that spoken to ourselves, we nod, smile and generally respond with, 'So, what WILL help, do you think?'

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Blueberry

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Re: How to politely shut other people down ?
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2017, 12:47:30 PM »
Good plan, wife#2! Great idea.  :thumbup: