What was it with my mother?

[Candid]

I still don't understand and probably never will, but I'd like others' opinions on why she was the way she was and treated me the way she did.

NPD doesn't really fit. I've seen that checklist that starts "Everything she does is deniable" and ticked a lot of boxes, but if she had NPD wouldn't someone else have seen it?

You see, I was her scapegoat. The impression I get is that she's always been Modesty and Sweetness themselves to everyone but me.

I could see this when I was a child. I thought my mother the epitome of goodness and beauty, even though she gave every appearance of not liking me. That has run my life: everyone in the world deserves my mother's kindness and smiles, but I don't. For some reason this made me more clingy than other children. I was constantly trying and failing to win her approval.

She did nice things sometimes. That adds to the confusion. The mix, and hearing from everyeffingwhere else what a kind and wonderful mother I have, has seriously messed me about to the point of questioning my own perceptions.

Some other things she did:

1. She decided my elder sister was an invalid, and loved to play nurse. Sister herself took this on board and has done literally nothing with her life other than take care of herself. She's never had a job interview or paid rent. She's never travelled. Ultimately she decided she was bi-polar and takes medications (several of) accordingly; she refers to her partner as "my carer". She eats weird, because there are all sorts of basic things she "can't" eat.

I was in my 40s when a cousin asked me why my parents always pretended elder sis was ill. It was such a lightbulb for me, because I'd swallowed it as well. Oh, and whenever I was ill, I got sent to school regardless.

2. She made it clear to all of us that what she wanted was a boy to go with the girl she already had, making me and younger sister superfluous. Younger sister went through a rough patch in her late teens, I supported her, and we started to put our heads together as to what was wrong with us. At that point M deliberately stirred up trouble between us, backed my sister and became more overt in her hateful behaviour towards me. There were never any witnesses. This was when I first became aware of her smear campaigns.

3. She did the push-pull thing, which I saw on the list of PD behaviours only yesterday. Christmas 83 she told me she wished I hadn't come... after I'd shown up. She could have called me and told me not to come; instead she told me younger sister wasn't coming because I was going to be there. Makes no sense to me. Anyway, that was my last FOO Christmas. But since then she's had flying monkeys on board, called me wanting to talk it out, and so on.

4. Throughout her motherhood years, if she couldn't blame me she blamed EF. I now see him as her secondary scapegoat. She had we three girls believing he'd messed us up. But for some reason both sisters had over-the-top support and 'love' from her, while I got... what I got.

5. A long-ago boyfriend dropped in on her against my expressed wishes. I was furious with him for thinking he could fix things. Anyway, he didn't say much about it except that he didn't think I should go back. She had told him: "I don't know why I couldn't love my children" and cried about it.

6. It was very important to her to appear the Perfect Mother. She took issue with what she considered bad parenting every time she saw it IRL or in the media. You might say she was Mother Superior.

I heard something recently that said narcissistic mothers need to be needed by their children, so any attempt at independence is punished. This rang true for me. Seems I had a mind of my own from the start. So, first memory: I attempted to stand up from my potty and retrieve my own pants. The potty spilled over. M rushed in, slapped me and shouted: "You bad girl!"

I mentioned this to her when I was in my late 20s. She laughed, said she didn't remember it, and "I must have been having a bad day". I take this further: I must have been aware of previous "bad days", because I already knew better than to call her from the other room, and thought she might be pleased if I got up by myself.

A question: What kind of Mother Superior can slap a baby and not remember it?

[radical]

Your mother sounds very similar to mine in a lot of ways.  Not a classic narc but a very troubled woman who has never done a thing wrong in her entire life, and is extremely defensive about the merest suggestion of imperfection. 

Since parenting habits have changed away from physical punishment, she has made if her mission to rail endlessly against the changes because she sees them as a personal insult, even in the absence of anyone actually criticising her.

I don't think it is  a good idea to invest precious energy into wondering why.  I too was the scapegoat, I always knew my mother didn't love or like me.  it really isn't about us personally.  It's about their issues.  Nothing can ever, or will ever make any impact.  Better to work on healing as best we can.  We didn't have a mother who loved us, we never will.  There is a lot of grieving, a lot of unravelling the effects.

Neither of us deserved how we were treated.  I spend a fair bit of effort trying to replace the faulty messages that I'velived through, because the results of living as though they were true is just more pain.

I feel for you.  we are not alone with this.

[Blueberry]

Candid, I agree with radical with this one. Unless it just is a rant from you and you're not really asking us for advice?

I'm just kind of surprised because I thought you were over asking How? and Why? But I guess these questions re-surface from time to time?

My M still takes issue with what she sees as bad parenting. It's one of the things that triggers me in contact with her. That's one of the many reasons why we're down to very occasional email contact.

My M has amnesia about her parenting habits: she announced not so long ago that the only child she ever hit was B1. Hellooo? I called her out on it, probably didn't change her mind though.

I feel for you. Here's a        Can you give yourself something nice today? Even just looking at some funny pictures online, you know like animals clambering around being funny. Or beautiful pics of whatever you like?

[sanmagic7]

candid, i don't think we can ever know the exact reason why our parents acted the way they did to us as compared to our sibs.  it may be a birth order thing, it may be a personality thing (hers or yours), it may have been the time of life she was in, what she was dealing with, it might be that you reminded her of someone she didn't like, was powerless against them and took it out on you.

there are so many reasons for a person to act toward another the way they do.  perspective, perception, vibe, mood - any and all of these can play a part.  by the time you came along she may have been feeling particularly powerless in her life and chose to prove her own sense of power by abusing you. 

i really do think a lot of this is about power and control.   the clingy stuff is pretty common, i believe.  i've heard that often abused children, when given the choice, will run to their abuser rather than the non-abusive parent.  it's their way of trying to show the abuser how much they care, what a good thing they're doing in the hopes that the abuser will recognize this and stop the abuse. i don't think that ever happens.

i'm truly sorry you experienced this from the woman who was supposed to be your protector and nurturer.  it's not right, it's not fair, and, actually, it may never be explainable.  only she knows, and i'd guess that she avoids that like the plague.  i do sincerely hope you're able to get past this at some point.    big hug, candid dear.

[Hazy111]

Hi all,

Could i be so bold as to suggest you are all  describing a BPD mother. All borderlines are narcissistic btw.

Borderlines classically split their children into "all good" "all bad" etc. All are severely traumatised by the experience.

I would suggest  "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. Tremendous book. When i read it, the scales fell from my eyes, somebody gets it. My mother, my childhood.It can be a very painful read and possibly triggering. Its recommended on OOTF as well. Only thing is its quite expensive to buy.  You can Google parts of it.

Its validating, as its not your fault,, IT WAS THEIRS.

Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure.--Christina Crawford

Hazy

[12Nice]

hello
I have been reading a lot of the experiences and replies over the last month. This one struck a cord in me I too had a M that was like that maybe a bit more in the NPD category therapists have told me.  I too was scapegoat and blamed for everything my younger brother was the golden child even when he was putting my life in danger. I wont go into specifics but neglect and abuse is all I knew from her besides the hatred.  In part because my father favored me because she didn't care for me properly while he was at work while I was an infant and  she had a skin disease that made her self conscious so she was jealous and did everything to destroy any confidence I would have about anything.

Everyone was fooled by the facade in our extended family and church friends.  She would always shame me in every way she could and deny any hobby or fun thing I would like.  While giving my brother everything because he was the fair haired boy golden child.  I felt crazy for hating everything and was told so as well that nothing was happening like I said.  Father expected excellence in everything and complete submission according to biblical demand no room for discussion on that don't dare question the parental figures.
For years I tried to drown my sorrows in work, boys then men, being reckless, then booze after she died.  I always thought my F was the normal one but I am finally out of that denial as well. I had to live with him due to financial issues from not being able to work.  It has been on and off for the last 10 or so years but I finally got out. I wont say more cause it would be a trigger but I am struggling to find myself to be ok in my own skin after all that has happened.  I had to relocate to another city to get away from the abuse. At my age I feel too many things all at once and get frequent emotional flashbacks. 
Thank goodness someone from OOTF suggested this site learning about complex PTSD help explain a lot of craziness that has been my reactions to the terrible trauma called childhood.  I think that is the first time I have really admitted that.  I tried to say there were good times but some drama always erased any tiny morsel of good.  Coming out of denial about my father being most likely borderline and N makes me feel so alone and makes me realize maybe now I have a chance to heal because I have nothing to hold onto or hold me down and back from doing something for me. I just get so frozen its very overwhelming to have lied to myself for far too long, I will be 50 soon and I feel so empty at times.  I am sorry for taking the space to add this to my comment on the mother issues I dont mean to take over I just didnt have the courage to start a new thread as I dont know where to start because it would be very triggering.
Thanks
12nice

[Candid]

You are very welcome to post here, 12Nice. And welcome to the forum!

She would always shame me in every way she could...

Yes to that, too. Shame is a terrible burden to carry. I'm sorry you found out your 'supportive' F was not all he appeared to be.

I am struggling to find myself to be ok in my own skin after all that has happened.

Me too.

I had to relocate to another city to get away from the abuse.

I did that too. One of my bigger mistakes in life was to move back. 

maybe now I have a chance to heal because I have nothing to hold onto or hold me down and back from doing something for me. I just get so frozen..

You'll have plenty of opportunities to thaw here, and I hope you'll stay with us.

[Blueberry]

I always thought my F was the normal one but I am finally out of that denial as well. I had to live with him due to financial issues from not being able to work. 

First of all, welcome on here 12nice! Thanks Candid, for letting us hijack your thread       Maybe the mods will split the thread up.
I thought for years too that my M was the only problem. When I finally realised deep down in my emotions that F wasn't there for me either and more particularly that he hadn't been in my childhood that caused a retraumatisation or close. It was painful moving out of that denial. Probably years of denial was necessary to survive, feeling that I had only one malevolent, uncaring parent. I'm still realising things and moving bit by bit out of the denial.

It has been on and off for the last 10 or so years but I finally got out. 

  That's a really positive step, and possibly difficult too - getting out of the enmeshment.

... but I am struggling to find myself to be ok in my own skin after all that has happened.

This resonates with me because I used not to feel at all happy in my own skin. I won't go into more details so as not to trigger you. There are, I'm sure, more people on here who have felt that way in the past or still do.

I had to relocate to another city to get away from the abuse. At my age I feel too many things all at once and get frequent emotional flashbacks. 

I'm sorry you had to move. That can be positive, but you leave any support behind that you might have had. I live in another country but it wasn't a deliberate choice to come to get away from the abuse. It has ended up being a blessing. Even though life has been pretty challenging and is still not easy. There are a lot of changes I never would have made if I'd remained so close geographically to FOO.

Coming out of denial about my father being most likely borderline and N makes me feel so alone and makes me realize maybe now I have a chance to heal because I have nothing to hold onto or hold me down and back from doing something for me.

You're not alone on here! If you stay with us, and I hope you do, you'll notice that there is a lot of understanding on this forum and a lot of support and validation. Lots of us: been there, done that, and in healing. You're in healing too. A survivor. I also think that you're right in thinking this is your chance to heal now: the more we realise and the more we can admit to ourselves e.g. how awful our childhoods were, that our parents weren't there for us etc the better our chances are of healing.

...its very overwhelming to have lied to myself for far too long, I will be 50 soon and I feel so empty at times. 

Denial is a protective measure. It can take a long time to heal from CPTSD and rushing it before we have enough support in place and enough emotional resilience can re-trigger and make the healing journey even longer. So no doubt you are going at the right pace for you. I often get impatient with myself too, till somebody on here reminds me to go slow... I'm nearing 50 too and have been working on myself with and without therapy for about 20 years. So you're not alone, and you're certainly not the oldest here, if that makes you feel any better.

[12Nice]

Thank you SO MUCH Candid and Blueberry 
It means a lot to feel the validation in your words it brings those stinging healing tears to my eyes.  And its safe to cry now where I am I have real support here in the new place I got plugged in with a help organization and my wonderful daughter and grandkids.
I will be sticking around cause I feel like with you guys/gals I can vent safely without shame which is huge for me !

12Nice

[memorex]

Im in a similar way. early forties, gutted that this is where I am at this age. Also recently realised my father was useless, borderline and absent, not just my mother-and as was said, I wake at nights feeling desolated by what I have lost and how alone I feel.

Its weird as I often feel a little better in the evening, yet wake in the night feeling worse than ever, and it leaves me confused as to how I feel overall and which are my true feelings.

been in therapy for 5 ish years. New to this forum, trying to be unafraid to open up for  change rather than fear what others will think of me or my situation.

anyway, just wanted to thank 12nice for the post, as it makes me feel less alone in knowing others out there are going through similar things. And its brave of you to write of them.

[Three Roses]

I'm with you, it's so difficult to open up to others after decades of shutting others out (or being shut out). Still, I'm learning and taking that risk here and there with people I know in advance will understand and not be harsh or tell me to just try harder. Just today I shared a little of my history with a relatively new friend, and she neither had "helpful" advice nor pity. She just listened and validated. Felt good.

[Fictionalizer]

I too was scapegoat and blamed for everything....

I was the emotional/mental scapegoat in my family. A brother was the physical scapegoat. We both got blamed for everything that went wrong.

Everyone was fooled by the facade in our extended family

Same here. We looked as if we were the perfect family.

My mother had more than one PD. Her other fed into the NPD and was OCPD (perfectionism). From the outside looking in our family looked perfectly normal. It was far from that on the inside.

While giving my brother everything because he was the fair haired boy golden child.

My oldest and youngest brothers were the Golden children. They received whatever they needed in the way of praise, support, breaks in life, the benefit of the doubt, and never any ridiculing or bullying. My oldest brother become a weapon of my mother, attacking me and also my friends. 

...was told so as well that nothing was happening like I said.

Was always told I had a great imagination. Later told that she was telling me I was a liar rather that I was creative. A load of BS. She was calling me a liar. When I confronted my older brother about CSA my whole family protected him especially her. After all he was the top Golden Child. 

I had to relocate to another city to get away from the abuse.

Yes I had to do the same thing and then cut off all FOO ties except the brother who was scapegoated. I recently let that relationship go as well because it was nothing. He only emailed me twice a year, birthday and New Year's Day to milk me for information for the rest of the FOO. I had enough of the games.

I tried to say there were good times but some drama always erased any tiny morsel of good.

I can relate to that so much. The good times were punctuated with stabs from my GC and possibly N older brother and my N mother.

Coming out of denial about my father

That changed my whole life back in 2005. The moment I accepted I had a different father than my brothers I started integrating my DID. My father was/is a psychopath/narcissist.

I will be 50 soon and I feel so empty at times.

Wow can I relate to this. I turned 64 this year and spent almost half of my life in therapy of some sort.  I still feel empty at times too.

Thanks
12nice

Glad to see you here, 12nice. It's hard writing about this stuff and it helps.


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