New here

[DaisyLane]

I'm Daisy.  Only I'm not.  Screen name and all that.  It's a trust thing, isn't it?

I was DXed with CPTSD about 15 years ago, but first it was general PTSD and then CPTSD.  At the same time, I was battling physical symptoms of something - much like with the psych DX, first they said it was one thing, then another, then another.  Currently, the thinking is that I have conversion disorder that goes with the psych stuff.

My trauma history is massive and...well,...complex.  (Ha.)  All the categories of abuse - mainly emotional and psychological abuse from several members of the nuclear family when I was a child, multiple medical traumas, sexual assaults, physical abuse in first relationship as a teen, extreme bullying in school which led me to quit, natural disasters, homelessness both as a child twice and as an adult (with children) twice...I was a victim of kidnapping as a child...let's see...constant, endless situations involving shaming and dehumanization in dealing with "the system", addiction in the family, okay, so pretty much you name it - outside of physical torture. 

I've spent the last 25 years seeking quality therapy.  My current therapist specializes in EMDR and I've been seeing her for almost three years.  I don't like her all that much, but I'm on Medicaid and so...not a lot of options.

I am on medication for stress and anxiety.

Just trying to write this "introduction" brought on stress tension and anxiety, so I dosed up. 

I'm not sure why I'm here.  I can't do people.  Certainly not IRL (except with my spouse and kids), but even online connections have proved tough for me.  Still.  I think I just want to feel less alone.  No one I know can relate to what I go through.  No one I know really knows how to deal with me.  I don't even know how to deal with me most days. 

Other than basic weekly trips to the grocery (a place with which I'm very familiar) and the occasional trip out with my oldest friend (which is never fun no matter how much fun it is), I go nowhere.  I don't drive and live in quite a small, remote place. 

Going on 20 years with my partner. 

I'm alone a lot.

I don't know what else to write here.  I'm afraid to read too many things on the boards out of fear of being triggered or even just generally upset by the over-empathic compass that seems to drive me.  I feel everything.  Too often and too much.

I write poetry sometimes.  I eat like a Hobbit.  I am drowning in shame and self-loathing.  I feel like I'm hardly ever listened to.  I have a twisted sense of humor.  I love British history and culture.  I have too many interests and too many triggers.

My therapist is probably going to be upset that I joined a site like this.  She gets wiggy over things sometimes and I never know what and I never know why.  I wish I had a better therapist.

Anyway, we'll see what, if anything, comes from this. 

If anyone read this, thanks for doing so.

[Hope66]

Hi Daisy,
I want to welcome you to the forum, and hope you'll find it supportive and helpful.  I found it tough to post anything at first, and tended to read posts before plucking up courage - and I think you've done well to share so much, and I hope you feel ok to have done so.
So Welcome. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Daisy, welcome here. Even though you're not Daisy. I'm not Blueberry in real life either. 

I've found this forum very supportive and helpful. My ability to write in it has increased with time. There's no obligation to write more than you want or disclose any information at all though.

People often write TW or Trigger Warning, so if you see that, steer clear. But I understand the danger of being triggered by things that probably no one else would find triggering... so not marked as such.

I like DaisyLane by the way. I immediately thought of daisy chain, taking me back to good times in my childhood.

[Three Roses]

Hello, welcome. Like you, I'm leery of people in general. I tend to keep to a very small circle - spouse, kids - & this forum has been my way to socialize when I'm feeling up to it.

I live in a relatively remote area and am just now beginning to be able to venture out to the grocery store again.

I also have a dark sense of humor which most people don't "get". I think you sound wonderful. 

Tell your therapist to stuff it. You can join a forum if you want, without her permission. *thumbs nose at therapist*

[DaisyLane]

Thank you for the welcomes and comments.  Upon rereading what I wrote last night, I can tell when the meds started kicking in.  Ha.

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Three Roses, sometimes I really want to tell my therapist to stuff it.  I have these daydreams where I just say an "I'm done" thing and walk out the door and there's music playing in the background - something like the theme to Chariots of Fire, maybe.  Here's the rub, though.  She's literally the only one in my area who has the expertise in PTSD treatment and who takes Medicaid.  It's the whole "beggars can't be choosers" stuff. 

Good luck on getting back to store-ing.  I know how hard that is.

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Blueberry,  Thank you for the compliment on my name.  It was exactly that play on words.  I am a fan of a good daisy.

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Thank you, Hope66.  I hope I can find the full courage to find some footing here and feel less alone.  Last night (and tonight) might end up being a blip.  I hope not, though.