New here too (and feeling "frozen")

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SE7

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New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« on: May 05, 2017, 12:43:16 AM »
Hi, I explained a bit of my background in the Symptoms section (adulthood) under Feeling Frozen post ...

This site looks great and I would also like to get that Pete book.

From YouTube channels I have learned a lot in the past few months about NPD and the effects of the psychological abuse on people like me. My abuse was/is "covert" (except for the verbal attacks from my father occasionally) so the parents only appear like normal beings on the surface, but my general feeling is they destroyed the core selves of me and my sibling.

It's nice to find a forum that is more focused on us ... even though YouTube has been great for learning & camaraderie.

I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often.

My current dilemma is (yet again) finding a job and a home, this time while stuck in the abusers' home. Like I said, on the surface, they would appear as decent people to outsiders, but my sibling and I confirm to each other that all is very un-well here.

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Okay! That's about enough for now, thanks everyone for being here :)


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mourningdove

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2017, 02:25:34 AM »
Welcome, SE7!

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life.

Wow, I could have written this. Sorry that you are also in this situation.

 :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2017, 02:36:28 AM »
Hello and welcome! I hope you find the same sense of belonging that I and many others have found here. :wave:

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DaisyLane

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2017, 03:20:33 AM »
Even though I am nervous about reading posts, the title of yours got to me because I describe myself as "frozen" a lot, so I checked it out.  And then I read this:


My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life.


We could be twins on this bit right here, I'm sorry to say.  Truly knocked me out to read almost exactly what I've written about like this.

I was almost literally bound to my parental unit (who was/is also very similar to how you've described yours are) for 31 years.  I can relate to being stuck as you've written you are.

I'm no longer bound.  At least, not exactly - we are no longer in each other's space and lives. 

I'm sorry that you are stuck as you are and I hope that you won't have to continue to be for long.  Healing yourself always has to take a back seat when you're in survival mode, doesn't it?  May you be free and be able to start to heal soon.

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soulsurvivor

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2017, 02:48:24 PM »
I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often... My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Wow, so much here I identify with. Anxiety, depression, I've suffered panic attacks too (horrible experiences... especially when you're trying to lead a seminar at university and you have one!!), and your comment about authority figures is very very interesting. I've always mistrusted and avoided interacting with authority figures, perhaps fearing abuses of power. I really feel for you. Isn't it great to not be alone in this, knowing that others are successfully finding their way out of this? It gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing  :heythere:.

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SE7

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2017, 08:49:22 PM »
Welcome, SE7!

Wow, I could have written this. Sorry that you are also in this situation.

 :hug:

Thanks mourningdove! :)

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SE7

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2017, 08:50:16 PM »
Hello and welcome! I hope you find the same sense of belonging that I and many others have found here. :wave:

Thanks Three Roses, yes I'm sure I will! :)

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SE7

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2017, 08:55:06 PM »
Even though I am nervous about reading posts, the title of yours got to me because I describe myself as "frozen" a lot, so I checked it out.  And then I read this:


My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life.


We could be twins on this bit right here, I'm sorry to say.  Truly knocked me out to read almost exactly what I've written about like this.

I was almost literally bound to my parental unit (who was/is also very similar to how you've described yours are) for 31 years.  I can relate to being stuck as you've written you are.

I'm no longer bound.  At least, not exactly - we are no longer in each other's space and lives. 

I'm sorry that you are stuck as you are and I hope that you won't have to continue to be for long.  Healing yourself always has to take a back seat when you're in survival mode, doesn't it?  May you be free and be able to start to heal soon.

Hey DaisyLane :) Wow, that is pretty amazing to have this same issue! It is rough, isn't it? My parents are making me leave here by the end of June, which is a great thing actually, except that I have done NOTHING to prepare & have yet again put myself in a bad situation. I finally realize it is due to this CPTSD (example, I had another emotional flashback yesterday, and I would never have known this if not for the last few months of me researching online). I felt so frozen yesterday that it was impossible to do anything but focus on my healing, but very soon I will not have that 'luxury' anymore.

Anyway thanks for your support, and I'm glad to hear you are no longer bound!

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SE7

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2017, 08:57:56 PM »
I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often... My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Wow, so much here I identify with. Anxiety, depression, I've suffered panic attacks too (horrible experiences... especially when you're trying to lead a seminar at university and you have one!!), and your comment about authority figures is very very interesting. I've always mistrusted and avoided interacting with authority figures, perhaps fearing abuses of power. I really feel for you. Isn't it great to not be alone in this, knowing that others are successfully finding their way out of this? It gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing  :heythere:.

Hi soulsurvivor! Yes, it definitely feels like a need to avoid more abuses of power, and I know I need to remind myself that all human beings are not trying to control me like the parents did. And yes, it is really great to not be alone here. It gives me hope too :) Thanks!

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Blueberry

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2017, 11:10:16 PM »
My current dilemma is (yet again) finding a job and a home, this time while stuck in the abusers' home. Like I said, on the surface, they would appear as decent people to outsiders, ...

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life.
Hello SE7,  :heythere:
 most of this resonates with me! Particularly the "major issues coping with with people -- especially those who represent some form of authority" all the way along to problems with finances, health and employers.

I have had phases of recurring nightmares of being stuck in parental home, having to move out but not being able to find a job to pay the rent. They really are nightmares, they're terrible, so I'm so sorry you're dealing with this issue in real life.

I find this forum really supportive; usually there's at least one person, often more, who can identify with my symptoms/reactions and history.

Progress and some degree of healing is possible. That's the good news.
 

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SE7

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2017, 08:22:45 PM »

Hello SE7,  :heythere:
 most of this resonates with me! Particularly the "major issues coping with with people -- especially those who represent some form of authority" all the way along to problems with finances, health and employers.

I have had phases of recurring nightmares of being stuck in parental home, having to move out but not being able to find a job to pay the rent. They really are nightmares, they're terrible, so I'm so sorry you're dealing with this issue in real life.

I find this forum really supportive; usually there's at least one person, often more, who can identify with my symptoms/reactions and history.

Progress and some degree of healing is possible. That's the good news.

thanks Blueberry ... my parents are back now and I had to rearrange my living setup yet again, just like the wanderer I am.

I am actually feeling better about myself overall, the depression is pretty much gone and most of the anxiety, but I'm still really 'stuck' in paralysis with getting a job ... and I pretty much have to get one within WEEKS .... I'm trying not to let the inner critic have any say about this & trying to figure out how to break this paralysis quickly.

Note to self: You still have cPTSD as a result of past/present narcissistic abuse layered with real-life circumstances that were traumatic. It's not your fault. You will get through this. Yes, you will be employed again. It is OKAY to take small steps and take breaks in between. Be kind to yourself.

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sanmagic7

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2017, 01:46:24 AM »
hey, se7 - those are great words for yourself, as well as for the rest of us.  keep reminding yourself of them.  pos. self-talk is one way i've found of changing those messages that have been wired into our brains before we were old enough to fight them off.

i've had the experience, both as a child and adult, of being surrounded by people who looked 'normal' to the outside world, all the while manipulating, deceiving, belittling, and even psychologically torturing me.  sorry you've had to go through that.  it's the pits.  we will keep on keepin' on, and reach a place where we don't have to be frightened to be ourselves anymore.  i have faith.     :hug:

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Lingurine

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Re: New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2017, 03:43:08 PM »

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated

Hi SE7  :heythere:

I can relate to the avoidant and isolated part, so sad to hear you have those symptoms too, it's not easy to overcome that, but I think you came to the right place to find congenial people to talk to. To feel less isolated the least. Coming here is a great step.

Lingurine