Floating...

[cTurtl]

I feel like I am floating. Nothing makes much sense anymore. I started a new job about a year ago and thought I was doing really well. My review was today and it triggered so many things, I walked out of it. My boss doesn't know about the C-PTSD diagnosis that has a nice backbone of anxiety disorder with it. I am feeling like a failure. I quietly cried my way through work today. I don't want to go on FMLA. I want the C-PTSD to just be a part of me and not control me. Everything I am trying doesn't work. I feel broken and pretty helpless. I was told to not focus on the "needs improvement" items and look at the overall score. Having a needs improvement in being trustworthy was painful. Genuinely painful. I am brutally honest and readily admit when I don't know something. No one was available to actively train me and I had to spend months trying to figure out a job that didn't have any documentation on processes, who to ask, when to ask, any of it. Then, today, I got told I have spent the last year doing it wrong. I walked out because I was frustrated. I am now at not wanting to even go back. I feel like I should quit and just give up. My anxiety episodes have stripped me of my friends. There is the insurmountable feeling of sadness that it just isn't going to get better. I no longer know what to do.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, I'm glad you're here!

It sounds to me that something in your review "triggered" you and caused you to have an emotional flashback, or EF.

This is the link I usually share to see if that's what someone's experiencing - https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd

Toward the end of that (long ) article there's 13 EF management steps.

My anxiety episodes have stripped me of my friends.

This is very common here, sadly. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least now you're here among a unique group of people who understand and will listen and validate when you want to get stuff off your chest. Thanks for joining!

[Blueberry]

Hi cTurtl,

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. 

I have a lot of trouble with work too. I don't have colleagues or a boss, just clients, but I'm often in a permanent state of being triggered. I couldn't work with a boss or colleagues at all.

It must be really tough when you think you've been managing well and doing a good job and then they tell you you haven't. I'd feel pretty confused and upset too.  And be wondering why they hadn't told me a bit earlier.

I'm actually a trustworthy person but when it comes to work, C-PTSD often gets in the way of it. My mind blocks and I don't meet my deadlines, because I literally can't. Could there be something like this for you too? You maybe do need to improve on this point at work, but it doesn't mean you are not trustworthy as a person?

As hard as it is, going back would probably be advisable. Maybe you can even tell your boss of your diagnosis, without going into any details? That would probably be better than quitting.

I used to feel like quitting and throwing in the towel with my freelance work all the time, well, at regular intervals anyway. But that has actually improved, so actually things can and do get better. I haven't been working on that topic in therapy at all, we've been processing trauma, so unfortunately it does seem as if the C-PTSD has been controlling and influencing me, rather than being just a part of me.

On here, you're among people who understand a lot of what you're going through.  Welcome,  hope to see you around the forum more.

[Bee123]

I feel like I am floating. Nothing makes much sense anymore. I started a new job about a year ago and thought I was doing really well. My review was today and it triggered so many things, I walked out of it. My boss doesn't know about the C-PTSD diagnosis that has a nice backbone of anxiety disorder with it. I am feeling like a failure. I quietly cried my way through work today. I don't want to go on FMLA. I want the C-PTSD to just be a part of me and not control me. Everything I am trying doesn't work. I feel broken and pretty helpless. I was told to not focus on the "needs improvement" items and look at the overall score. Having a needs improvement in being trustworthy was painful. Genuinely painful. I am brutally honest and readily admit when I don't know something. No one was available to actively train me and I had to spend months trying to figure out a job that didn't have any documentation on processes, who to ask, when to ask, any of it. Then, today, I got told I have spent the last year doing it wrong. I walked out because I was frustrated. I am now at not wanting to even go back. I feel like I should quit and just give up. My anxiety episodes have stripped me of my friends. There is the insurmountable feeling of sadness that it just isn't going to get better. I no longer know what to do.

Hi cTurtl,

I was diagnosed late last year after 20+ years thinking I was crazy. I recently had a "relapse" at work. My first (and hopefully last) major one at work. I had to take sick leave, and when it ran out, I had to take FMLA so I can focus on my treatment.
I am contemplating on quitting my job now.

I am sure you have your reason for not wanting to take FMLA, but I think taking some time off from work and focusing on your is a good thing. From what I am experiencing now, it is hard to work while going to therapy 2 - 3 times a week and doing other tasks to help improve my concentration and help me focus.