Lying TW

[Dee]

I tend to lie by omission.  I will answer no to something because I am ashamed.  I learned while I was inpatient most survivors of child abuse have layers of trauma.  In my last two weeks I started to spill.  I didn't want to share because I was embarrassed and because I thought it was so much no one would believe me.  I found that I am not so different from other survivors.

Still, I am back and I've got to deal with this in therapy.  A little scary since I lied.  Some of it I really just didn't think of.  It wasn't until someone else would share I remembered, but never forgot either.

[radical]

If it would help you, go ahead and explain.  I think you can take it as read that we all understand feeling ashamed and protecting our most wounded parts.  We get it, I think.  It seems that you have a lot of integrity and so didn't just forget all about it, as most do in this kind of situation, in my experience.

Don't beat up on yourself, Dee.  Do what is best for you, knowing you haven't done any harm and we aren't judging you.  We understand.

[Blackbird]

I tend to do the same thing, or minimize the actual abuse, or put a facade of "I'm okay with it". It's either of the three, depending on the situation.

I agree you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. It's natural and okay, I will go further and say that has to do with the sense of guilt (that we have no reason to feel, but yet...) and the stigma surrounding the issue, we never know what reaction we might get.

Can you expand on what you said about layers of trauma?

[Elphanigh]

Dee, I tend to do the same things with certain layers of mine. I completely get where you are coming from. I think it is just a process, and anyone that cares will see that. You can't open up all at once, and so omitting it until you are prepared to share is okay. As long as you aren't hurting yourself by doing so, and it does not seem like that is the case. Share at your own pace, your mind tends to know when it is the right time to process certain things. I am proud of you for realizing it as a small flaw but you do not need to beat yourself up over it. I think a lot of us probably do this. If nothing else I certainly do, it is instinctual for many reasons.

Even on here I find myself omitting some things. I am working on it, but I still feel to much guilt for them. Even if l know I shouldn't it exists so even in my journal here I vaguely gloss over the details.

*hugs* I really do believe you will share as it is right for you. Self-care in this has to come first

[Blueberry]

I wouldn't call omitting information because it hasn't resurfaced yet, or it's disappeared again for a while, lying. Apparently lying is an active thing, something you decide to do. And even if you did decide not to share something, it's probably because you need to protect yourself in that moment. So give yourself a break, Dee. We C-PTSDers are usually way too hard on ourselves anyway.

[Dee]

Layers of trauma is trauma after trauma after trauma.  Many of us that were abused as children never learn boundaries in addition being groomed to be obedient and not to tell.  For this reason it isn't uncommon to have multiple abusers.

I have lied by forgetting and by not telling.  For example, I was assaulted by an assistant manger when I was 18.  I felt that if I told everything I would look bad or it would be unbelievable.  I didn't want my therapist to know just how bad I was.  I also have incidents I just forgot about.  I had three incidents that I didn't tell about in addition to the one below.

One biggie that I came clean on is I saw a therapist for 6 months when I was 18/19.  I didn't tell because it was an abusive relationship, she should of lost her license, I was hurt, and I didn't like the incorrect diagnosis.  It was a woman who told me she would be my mom and a grandmother to my kids.  She took me to the movies and bought me things.  She then met a guy, fell in love, and I was kicked to the curb.  She had been recently divorced and her daughter left home.  I suppose I was a rebound.  Either way I was deeply hurt and embarrassed.  I should of told.

[Blueberry]

Dee, I'm so sorry for all these things that have happened to you. I can relate to feeling too embarrassed and/or ashamed to say anything, but as usual the embarrassment/shame belong to somebody else i.e. the assistant manager and the therapist you saw when you were 18/19.

It pains me to hear you calling yourself 'bad'. You weren't bad, those abusers were. Of course it's much easier for me to tell you that than myself about my own abusers, so I'm not trying to say I'm so much further than you, because I'm not.

If it's cathartic for you to be writing these and more examples, then that's great. 

[radical]

Dee,
I relate to this.  To not feeling I can tell the truth about my life because it is so unbelievable and because I went along with so much, and I can't really explain doing that.  It's like our selves become jigsaws that can never fit together.

It's something that is so hard to explain or understand.  I'm so glad that you found somewhere that you could tell about yourself to people who understood.  I've been an activist fighting against the very things I was going along with in my personal life, at the same time.  The hypocrisy was huge.  I've defended, loved people who have done things to me that I couldn't process, so I forgot.  So many contradictions.  I believe it is part of this condition.

[radical]

I want to add to the above, that part of the problem is navigating in a world that is in denial about abuse. We can talk about genocide and horrific acts in other lands and cultures, but the same impulses, the same capacity for cruelty, selfishness, dishonesty and self-deceit are in our own families and communities and come out veiled and directed mostly against those with no voice that others can hear (for whatever reason).

Those who have been primed to accept abuse turn themselves inside out to live with a reality that polite society is committed to denying.  It is prepared to attack messengers who speak the truth.  In other words, we end up living with that madness inside ourselves, but it doesn't belong to us.  We become containers for what nice people around us disavow and we can so easily end up betraying ourselves to try and live with two seemingly incompatible realities.

Your story about your therapist when you were so young and already trying to comprehend profound betrayal ,  spoke to so many of my own experiences of confused loyalty and gratitude in times of vulnerability and anguish.  You weren't wrong or bad to not tell.  You couldn't - who would believe you?  You were confronted with the very person who was supporting you  and your truth about abuse when you were most alone, abusing you and threatening to bring the framework holding you together down if you told.   With everything being disbelieved, and all the blame dumped onto your shoulders. I'm guessing you could barely believe what was happening yourself.

I don't want to superimpose my own experiences because in similar situations, I experienced this and this is how I felt.  You are not alone with these kinds of stories inside you.  I'm sorry if I have misunderstood how you were affected.  You are brave to tell.

[Blackbird]

Oh I understand the layers now, I have them too. Sexually abused twice, carried on with relationships with both of them  One of them discarted me when he had enough, the other physically and emotionally abused me for years. I can relate to your pain very well.

And it's not your fault, and you're not bad. They are guilty, they are bad people.

[sanmagic7]

dee, and everyone else - my heart goes out to you.  i can't fully put into words how i feel for each and every one of you.

lying is merely a protective measure when abuse is in the background.  we lie to ourselves, we lie to others, we deny reality because we aren't able to cope with it.  we've been so profoundly programmed that it boggles the mind - literally.  so, here we are, out in the world, with boggled minds, attempting to stay sane and to stay alive. 

in order to do this, we do whatever is necessary to save ourselves.  would you lie to protect your child?  personally, i'd do anything it takes.  and that's what we're doing in these circumstances - protecting that precious little child who has been ravaged in unspeakable ways.

and, until we are ready, they are unspeakable, literally.  so we cover them up, deny them, forget them. pretend they don't exist, avoid them by any means possible because to speak them would kill us.  and we don't want to die, not physically, emotionally, or mentally.

there is no judgment here.  we've all lied to protect someone, even if that someone is ourselves.  no shame, no blame.  what's been done to us has been horrific on so many levels.  sorting through those levels, bit by bit, a little at a time. at our own pace is what can finally get us to a place where we are strong enough to withstand the truth, the reality, and are able to speak it, call it by its true name. 

whether we went along with it or not still does not put the blame on us, even if we enjoyed it!  we did what we did as a protective measure, to protect ourselves or someone we loved.  the shame, blame, embarrassment always belongs to the abuser. (my first therapist took advantage of me similarly to what you're talking about, dee, only i was in my 30's.  you'd think i should know better, but not so.  i was as vulnerable as a child, felt special to be singled out by her, went on weekend getaways with her, joined bowling leagues with her, etc. etc., all the while doing things that went against my own sense of right and wrong, like spying on other therapists for her, looking the other way when she did a misdeed - i was not only her client, but best friend and employee all at the same time!   when i 'broke up' with her as a client, she told me that she had been a good mom to me.  when i thought of it later, she wasn't supposed to be a mom of any sort to me.  she was supposed to be my therapist, period.)

this is complex for a reason.  we are tangled up in a spider web of deceit, lies, manipulations, betrayals, being used and abused by many someone elses for their own sense of whatever.    in your own time, at your own pace.  a good t will help you figure out the significance of your lies in order to lay them to rest without you having to continually hold that shame and blame and guilt.  they really aren't yours, but belong to the others.  bless you dee, for your courage and strength in continuing to move forward.  all credit and admiration to you from my heart!   big hug!

[Dee]

San, I really needed that, thank you.

It's hard because I spilled everything in the last two weeks.  I know my therapist is going to see my notes and know what I told.  It's scary.  She is good, and I know will be compassionate, but still.

Thank you so much, I feel she will feel as you wrote.  I just hope to look up when I go in next.

[sanmagic7]

you can not only look up, but stand tall and be proud of yourself.  naming these unspeakables takes so much courage, heart, and strength, and that's what you showed by spilling out the poison. 

i hope your t sees in you what i see in you - a woman who has been brought to her knees by atrocities, yet found the wherewithal to get up and face them head-on.  warrior spirit, dee, is what you have.  you are a glory in the midst of the madness.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Dee]

 

[Blueberry]

you can not only look up, but stand tall and be proud of yourself.  naming these unspeakables takes so much courage, heart, and strength, and that's what you showed by spilling out the poison. 

i hope your t sees in you what i see in you - a woman who has been brought to her knees by atrocities, yet found the wherewithal to get up and face them head-on.  warrior spirit, dee, is what you have.  you are a glory in the midst of the madness.  love and hugs, my dear.