Blackbird's journal

[Blackbird]

My mother told me she loves me yesterday  That's right, you read it well. I'm still not sure how to process it, I didn't say it back though, I couldn't. She also said she's proud of all the my achievements as a person, that I've shown her compassion and that she appreciates it. I'm still a bit in shock. Guess her therapy is working too 

One of my exs, still a friend but not that close, called yesterday. Wants to see me on friday. Don't know if I should go, can bring back the codependency and issues that I really don't need to deal right now. Or it can be liberating, depending on my specific mood that day. I told him I'll check my schedulle.

Therapy tomorrow, there's a lot to talk about, but I want to deal with my inner child. I think there isn't a lot of stressors now, and my psychiatrist assured me I can take it. My only "side effect" from all of this has been difficulty falling asleep, and it's not from the Bipolar because my moods are balanced. I had a half nightmare today, where a bunch of people from my past came back to tell me I was doing everything wrong lol.. I was able to stand up for myself in the dream, that's why I think it wasn't a nightmare.

[Blackbird]

I've been avoiding reading the book my T gave me, but today I gave it a go. I'm processing right now, and using this platform to do a little self therapy.

I was laying on the couch, trying to keep my obsessive thoughts away, using the techniques my T gave. I was successful, realized the obsessive thoughts were protecting my inner child's pain.

I could get a clear image of her, messy hair, like she was lost in the woods and raised by wolves.

I was able to get a dialogue between her and one of my protectors, the rational one. She said she feels both miserable and deserving of love, lonely and with too many people around her, with too many responsibilities for her to carry but at the same time feeling the need to care for someone. Paradoxical and precise.

Then she vanished and now I'm writing this so she can come back for me to nurture her a bit. Tell her it's okay to feel what she feels, that must be a heavy burden to carry for such a petite and skinny child. That she's stronger than she sees herself.

She's answering that she already knows that. That she could use some help to carry the load, that she's the only part of me that appears when someone needs rescuing.

Now another protector appears (a strong masculine man) and tells her he's there too.

She feels more secure.

I tell her I love her, she doesn't believe me.

I try a different approach, "I love you even if you don't feel it yet". She doesn't believe it's the Self saying so. I tell her that even if it is a part, it's okay, the Self is behind it also.

She's here but she's quiet, like she's waiting for me to say something. Another part of me, a confused and lost part that wants to say something, appears. I tell him there's no reason to be confused and lost, that we're finding ourselves. He feels relieved. I ask him if he wants to say something to the little girl. He keeps quiet.

They don't trust each other, some parts of me made some serious mistakes that harmed us in the past. A part of me says it's because of my injuries, another part of me wants to take responsibility. A mediator appears and says we can have a bit of both.

The inner child feels more connected to them all now. She's smiling.

I tell her it's the true family love. Our inner family is all we need right in this instant. Another part of me talks about financial independence and going back to college at the same time. I ask her to step back a bit, thanking her for her insight. It was a call back to my FOO. "We aren't talking about mom now." Says the mediator. He can be a bit rough. I ask him to say the same thing in a more gentle way. "We're nurturing ourselves, the outside world means very little right now." That's a lot better! 

I just went back to read all this, my mind feels more at ease. I was turning over and over, with cramps and not being able to focus on the reading. All my parts are hidden now, except for the one writing this. I don't feel more of them present. I'm not centered in the Self either, I'm a bit fearful that whoever reads this thinks I'm crazy. I can assure you that, in fact, I have a certificate for that! 

[Blackbird]

Had an amazing session with my T today. I'm so envigorated!

He believes my mental issues (bipolar, ocd symptoms and gad) all come from the trauma, he thinks "since the harm is done" all we can do is deal with it, so instead on just focusing on the trauma (he thinks I'm a high risk for retraumatization, considering all my reactions to the events that happened lately), we're focusing on controling the symtpoms of the disorders I do have right now, with the same non pathologizing method, at the same time dealing with the parts of me that are traumatized.

He thinks eventually it can lead to a life without medication. I'm really excited about this possibility.

[Three Roses]

    

[Blackbird]

 

[Blackbird]

Me and my T yesterday talked about my mother's need for control and her competetiveness with me, he said those are classic narcissistic traits. We came to the conclusion that it comes also from the abuse she endured in her childhood, it's forgivable and worth mentioning that she is in fact better, not perfect as I never expect her will ever be, she's much less competitive and much less controlling. Maybe the standards she puts for herself, I expect them also, which is not fair and will bring her further sadness and me consequentially, because she will blame me. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Yesterday I was feeling good and had a talk with her about money and getting paid to work for her, an exact amount. Instead of me having to ask, as soon as I touched the subject she said she wanted to pay me, that it wasn't fair that I've been working a lot for little to nothing, or not enough to save some aside. Now I'll have a better grip, I'm good at saving money so that will be cool.

Money issues aside, back to her issues, and my father's. My T reminded me of my own therapy with my parts and reminded me that they also have (had in his case) parts of their own, that they are not in control of them as much as I am and that I should have a little patience in dealing and not explode at the first sign of a stepback.

I was thinking this morning, and I think we put such high expectations for everyone to be perfect. I know I'm not perfect at all, I was shocked with myself and the things I said and did during my manic episode, I lost control. And people do lose control. After me and my T's appointment I was able to forgive my mother a little bit. Just a little bit, which felt nice. Never my father, though, that person is unforgivable. But she is in pain for not being perfect all the time, like her parents wanted her to be.

My father was extremelly abusive, now that I've started to think harder about it. He also learned it from his father, but he was spoiled by his mother that forgave him for everything and defended his every move. As much as I loved my grandma, she was an enabler and I see it now. I don't know what part my grandparents played in the abuses my father did, but I know my grandpa and him were always fighting. He was their only son, my grandpa eventually moved out and let him take the house all for himself, to fill up with hookers, pimps and booze.

The "oh but he was a good person" bubble is officially burst. I don't intend on keeping myself in my imaginary bubble that he was perfect anymore. He abused me and my mother as well, and I remember it perfectly. I blamed her for so long though, because he was sick. I have the same mental disorders as him and I behave myself and take responsibility for my actions. Maybe I learned from him, not to be like him. Maybe that's my biggest lesson.

[Blackbird]

On accepting all of me as I am. It's really difficult, my inner critic is very strong and harsh. He calls me stupid and I repeat it out loud.

So, I've been working on self acceptance, like in the therapy I'm doing is all about accepting all the parts of us, even the ones we don't like, I've been spending the day just nurturing my inner critic and he is calmer. I feel calm too.

There are other parts that have been really present lately, and today I dealt with them all with compassion. Talking to them, understanding what they have to say, answering back and promoting dialogue. Seems crazy, and sometimes some other part of me would say "This is nuts", but then it made sense that it's just my fear of losing it again.

I'm aware that if I don't do this every single day until it becomes second nature to me, it won't last. That means having compassion for others too, even when I feel they don't deserve it or are somehow inferior. This is quite the battle, but slowly I'll get there.

As my T says, all parts are important and play a role, accepting them and accepting myself is the key.

[Blackbird]

Weird dream again. Started as a nightmare, I ended up saving myself from my abusive ex. This comes in a time when I'm more comfortable in maybe meeting someone new, having a relationship. I'm craving a bit of intimacy and love, probably because I was confronted with the reality of being so neglected, I want emotional, deeper support, more than what my T and friends can give me.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but I start to be, which is good. Still fearful, not sure if I can see the red flags of abuse early on. Not sure if I'm able to meet the right person to be with me.

Right now, living with my mother, being 30 and with few but good friends, I can only dream. Not much I can do, I can't move out now. I think it's good I'm craving love after so long of being absolutely sure love didn't even exist, that it was a made up fairy tale to amuse our egos. I'm starting to believe it does exist and that some day I will be ready to face the challenges of a fulfilling relationship.

My T is certain that I won't fall back into old habits, that I will not tolerate even the slightest sign of abuse. I just hope he's right.

I've been daydreaming a lot, with good future possibilities, without falling for the traps of the inner critic, of catastrophic thinking and the pits of drama for sure.

I just want to be happy.

[Blackbird]

My ex insisted on me spending some quality time amongst friends, so I agreed to meet him next week.  Don't know if it will be good for me or not, I think I've grown. My inner child will probably like spending time with him, always felt comfortable around him and his family. We'll see, it won't hurt to spend a few hours with him and see where my feelings land this time.

On other news, I've started to exercise daily now. I haven't done any exercise for years now, I was quite the athlete when I was younger. Now I'm fatter and lazier due to meds and all the mental issues, so I restarted to do some exercise. I feel better, more energy already. Hope in a month or so it will start to notice on my body. I have a lot of body issues, I was always so skinny and now I'm almost weighting 70kg, that's a bit too much for my height.

I've been dealing with several parts of me, as therapy is concerned, but am offuscated by the obsessive thoughts and daydreams about a better future than the current reality. I've been promoting healthy dialogue between parts, not shutting off the inner critic completely, but allowing him to be polite in his criticism, giving the opportunity for the affected parts to defend themselves. It's interesting, like my T warned me, they have personalities and wants of their own. If I try to shut up the inner critic or force him to step aside, he just comes back angrier. So, giving him his prime time allows me to take the criticism, analyse it and come to my own conclusions, with self respect and he gets his own way of blabering about how miserable I will be forever.

He has a point though, if I allow myself to stay miserable, that's what will happen. My parts aren't my enemies, they are part of me and want the best for me, even the self destructive ones (those have the intention of protecting me too, in their own way). So, my inner critic serves his purpose of voicing all the bad things I think about myself, allowing the Self to mediate, the protectors to protect my inner children from that toxicity and to act on all the parts behalf in an open dialogue with him.

As it's been going all he says is that I'm going to die alone and that nobody cares about me, that I'm difficult (my mother's words, repeated), that I'm conceited, that I don't deserve the best. A protector answers that time will tell, that I'm building more solid relationships, that I'm growing to be a better human being, that I deserve love and affection like everybody else.

What at first was a pull/push of strenghts, now the inner critic is quieter and listens and sometimes doesn't fight back. I think allowing that protector to speak gives me more confidence.

This brings me back to meeting my ex and why I think I've grown out of love with him. He's a complicated person, not a bad person, but he has issues. Our relationship was filled with drama, we were too young too. I don't see myself with him again at all, and being friends with him, although it can be good, can bring feelings back and allow me to forget all the complicated issues that I remember so accurately now. A year ago, my T said it wasn't a good idea to meet him, but I was on another place, much more fragile and vulnerable.

Well, we'll see what all of this brings. 

[Blackbird]

Ugh, a nightmare again. I was back in my old life, with my old friends, doing drugs and chasing parties in the woods like the old days. They wanted to eat whale (I'm an environmentalist activist) and I went with it, happy. I couldn't control myself, but my I was there in the background saying "this is not good, get out of here". Woke up sweaty and in panic, with that horrible feeling of having lost control again. It took a while to calm down. My kitten helped me, she always understands when I'm having trouble, and climbed on my bed and gave me kisses. That helped a lot.

I think it was triggered by my fear of confronting the past, like I would get back on that boat in a heartbeat. I don't want to run away from the part of me that has evolved from all of that insecurity, I think I really need to confront my past and say it in its' face that I'm not coming back to that.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, I think it is a reaction post-EF. Or maybe I'm still in its tail. I feel calm during the day, have been trying to lose weight by eating better and exercising, which makes me more energized and happy during the day, with that "I can conquer all" feeling, but when the sun starts to set the depressive feelings start to creep in and I go straight to bed, sometimes just eating a sandwich with my meds. I don't know if I can go on like this, but I need to set my internal clock straight again.

I hate these nightmares, they completely screw up my day. I'm going to focus on self therapy today, since I have the day all to myself.

Oh, a "friend" wants to schedulle a dinner for next week too. They always embarass me in public, always bickering over what's good or not and making snarky remarks to the waiters, complaining about the food. I don't want to go with them anywhere. They make me feel guilty for not being a better friend. Where are they when I need them? They just pretend to care, they don't really care. 

[Blackbird]

This is not a very recovery-ish post, more like a vent. I'll try to turn it into a more recovery-ish vent...

It turns out it's impossible to talk to my friends or to share ideas with them about anything, they all turned closed minded and with fixed ideologies or conspiracy theories and it has become impossible to have a simple conversation without feeling the need to explain myself or "live up" to their expectations, which to me are quite low. Maybe that's how they feel around me too, and use a sort of reverse psychology mechanism to cope with it. So I shut up, and I have no one to talk to about the issues that interest me. It's like I'm living in my own little bubble, with a minimal support system and a very big need to vent it all out. Since my psychotic break, I lost all my credibility, I'm the insane one now, even if the time I actually was insane was shorter than the time I actually am sane.

It would be nice not to have to explain that child abuse does happen, more often than people realize, and that the solution of the world's problems are not more prominent family roles, it would be nice to be accepted as a person who doesn't feel the need to follow herds or certain ideas if I respect others that have completely different ideologies than mine, sometimes even opposite. I don't want to play a part in the agressiveness of what the world has become lately, so full of violence and hatred. I'm definitely not a part of that, so I will become even more of an observer of reality, not participating much, at least for now.

I'm an activist and I've decided to turn my back on that for a while, because people will be people and they hate too much. They don't try to work with other people, they succumb to the hatred and become blind.

I was called a communist for sharing a video of a philosopher and his contribution to psychology. It's not that I'm even bothered by the joke-slash-insult (their view of it, I don't see any political science as an insult), it's more my recognition of the person's need to call me that. If they have to resort to that to invalidate my input, then I have no need for their presence in my life. Talk about setting boundaries as another thread here somewhere pointed out yesterday... I simply ignored it and moved on with my life.

So yeah, another bit of my life shattered. Feels like I'm only destroying bits of me, trying to find myself in the already shattered mess. I miss my old self, the in denial self, that walked through life kinda floating around high on whatever or drunk on life, and not paying attention. But that part of me had a lot of strenght to fight, now my efforts go somewhere else and it feels like, on the surface, that nothing is changing and that I'm in my comfort zone, when I'm dealing with the horrible things that happened in the past 30 years.

So, recovery-ish part: It's a step forward to be able to step back from things and people that are actually harmful to my well being, especially mentally, that take up my time when time is so precious. I think I was sticking to it to feel that in some way I mattered, I was making a change, when I was just hating. I'm tired of hate. The world has enough of it already.

[Blackbird]

Good vibe right now, starting next week I'll have more time alone, as my mother will have to restart her job and I will be in charge of all the rest. Is there an emoji for relief?  This one will do! I will have more time for introspection and self help, in putting my recovery first instead of her needs.

I deleted all my social media profiles, ignored emails, and will procede in starting to restart my life. I have the confidence of just doing it, without really thinking too much about that.

Me and my abusive ex used to follow theater, movies, art shows, etc. When we broke up I turned my back on all those things because they reminded me of him and relied on crappy culture for far too long, that ends now. He's not a part of that, he's just the person I used to go with and didn't even have fun with him anyway, maybe now I'll enjoy it more. I always enjoyed going alone to see a film, or to an art gallery. I can take my time, I can be quiet and not talk during the movie.

Since my hospitalization, I became increasingly more withdrawn, living on fantasy land so I didn't have to deal with reality. I've been talking to my inner children, the ones who withdraw from reality, and they feel more confident in dealing with the real world now.

I'm changing my sleeping patterns, going to bed later and waking up a little later too. It isn't going so well, all I'm doing is sleeping less, because I wake up at 5am anyway... And then I feel like sleeping in the middle of the afternoon because I'm so tired. I will keep trying, though, don't want to keep going to bed at 7pm.

These are objectives for the next few months, I don't want to do everything at once and become overwhelmed. I'm still at that stage of being a heartache just to get out of the house for a bit, for coffee or something. So, taking it slow.

I just feel the need to be more proactive in my recovery and not relying just on my therapy sessions. They have the purpose to guide me through every day life, if I don't take advantage of that I will be in "freeze" mode for far too long, as I am now.

Things will work out for me, I'm halfway there.

[Blackbird]

My relationship with food has always been complicated, like every other relationship I have had.

During this process on harmonizing the relationships between all my inner parts, inner children, critics, protectors, etc... I've come to realize the only way I learned to cope was with unhealthy coping mechanisms, not sure about how they developed into full blown disorders but there you have it, they did. The scars are deep, and I'm only at the surface right now.

Lately I've been eating healthy and exercising, taking better care of myself, not listening to what others say to make me feel better "Oh, you look great!" "You're not fat at all"... And all of that stuff that is very PC but not helpful or truthful.

So I realized, reading an article today, that I always looked as food as either my enemy or a coping mechanism (sweets, junk food, comfort fattening food). Lately that's changing, I'm engaging more in cooking recipes that not only taste good but are healthy too, so food is not my enemy or a coping mechanism anymore, it's feel-good fuel. My clothes are starting to fit better again, even though I have a long way to go. My belly shrinked a bit, which I'm very happy about.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, inside and out. Therapy alone won't do it, I need to be proactive in my relationship with life in general. I think starting to have a healthier relationship with food, which is our sustenance, helps me have healthier relationships in general, not settling for just not feeling lonely and not enduring any kind of abuse or manipulation from anyone. Food came as a substitute for love, I binged crying because I was alone. Before that, I exchanged food for love, I hardly ate and weighted 40kg, skinny as a stick.

One of my abusive ex's used to constantly check my weight and warn me when I gained some weight, making fun of me. I had to always be skinny, never weighting above 47kg, which was below the healthy level. Sigh...

But as my T says, I'm different now and refuse to endure any more abuse. So, as rebellion against that I want to reach a healthy weight, toning my muscles and feeling better about myself, not because of others but because I now loathe to look myself in the mirror.

Then the paradox arises, thinking wether I want to lose weight because of my inner critic, listening the annoying voices of those who called me fat, or rather to really feel good about myself. I'm choosing to believe it's to feel better, since I actually am feeling a lot better (more energy, more activity, more pleasure out of life) and to have a healthier sense of self, feel in control of something instead of allowing food to be my enemy.

[Blueberry]

I'm choosing to believe it's to feel better, since I actually am feeling a lot better (more energy, more activity, more pleasure out of life) and to have a healthier sense of self, feel in control of something instead of allowing food to be my enemy.

That sounds a great step Blackbird! Says one with an eating disorder to another.

[Blackbird]

Thank you Blueberry for the encouragement 

I haven't binged in a month or so, maybe a bit more. I'm not starving myself either, which is great. If I'm hungry, I eat some fruit or low calorie crackers. I've been eating lots of veggies too

Now a different subject that I came here to put into words, related to relationships with people. I've been reading on NPD, Sociopathy and Psychopathy and realized all my big three "loves" (so far) have traits of these disorders, the first one sociopathy, the second one NPD and the third one psychopathy. Big red flags while reading on the subject, like my mind has been opened. I'm NC with two of them, except the sociopathic one.

My relationship with him is distant, but present. As you who read me probably realized by now, I'm too tolerant (mother, father, entire family, friends, etc) putting myself in dangerous situations. With him it was always amazing, too good or too bad too. But I accepted him with his issues, complicated issues (rage outbursts towards his loved ones), and realized later when he was with another girl and we were friends that he did dwell a lot on evil things, and became incrisingly more on the dark side as the years passed by. Breaking the law a lot, doing a bunch of stupid stuff... He eventually stopped that as far as I'm aware. But I don't know how he's doing inside his head. I'm a good friend of his family, and maybe because they are so welcoming of my presence and make me feel like part of the family (something I'm very vulnerable of, of course), I haven't completely erased my presence from their lives. I keep my distance, though. We chat through text messages but nothing too personal, just chit chat. I think it's time for me to break completely from that relationship and move on with my life to greener pastures.

The other two, the NPD one was very abusive. The one who kept my weight on a low threshold. Physically, sexually and mentally/emotionally abusive, to say the least and use few words. Then he appeared as my rescuer right before I was hospitalized, as per my then "friends" request. He does know how to keep appearances... Well, this relationship is a big trigger of course for me. This whole thing of being diagnosed with CPTSD came with him trying to lure me back into his life, calling my sister because I wouldn't answer his messages and so forth. My T and Psych then realized there was something more than just simple PTSD, given my symptoms and how I reacted to that attempt of approach. My sister dealt with it, I didn't talk to him. For so long I thought I only had PTSD from this relationship, but turns out it was just another symptom of something much larger. If I ever encounter him again, I hope I will be strong enough to deal without spiraling out of control again.

Then, the last one. He pulled a bunch of tricks on me, that I now recognize as being psychopathical. He even had that stare, that is commonly known. He cheated, showed me, made me feel inferior. He had a huge control over my emotions. I was madly in love with that one and it took me a long time to forget him, years. He went NC with me, actually, but that's another story for a different time, another trauma related to my psychosis. I can say I was too crazy for him to deal, which isn't too bad given the circunstances. lol One has to laugh, otherwise the pain takes over.

Well, all this to say that even though these people were in my life and made a mess out of me, I endured and here I am. They have no control over me anymore and one of the focuses on my therapy has been learning how to recognize the red flags and learn how to appreciate good relationships.

I feel weak because I allowed myself around so much evil througout my history, but a bit stronger too because I was able to overcome that.

My T appointment tomorrow will be interesting for sure.