Blackbird's journal

[Blackbird]

So, I decided to start one of these. 

I'm feeling very disoriented right now, from anger. My T appointment went well, I'm making good but slow progress. Seems like the depression was transient and it passed.

I'm working for my mother, the neglector. And the neglector is dealing with the beaurocracy of it all, as I do the heavy work that she's too old to do. Well, she screwed up now and I have to be the one dealing with it. It's nothing really major, but it's added stress at a time when I'm not sure I can handle it. We'll see, it's still some time until June.

She told me "You've dealt with worse"... I kept my cool, but wanted to explode.

Since my impulse control is much better now I just explained why I am angry and she shrugged her shoulders in defiance. I didn't let her push my buttons, I turned my face to the computer and ignored her and she went away. Dinner afterwards and I talked like nothing happened... Need to find better ways to deal. Not engaging means not engaging and I did engage in her manipulation.

I realized she never grew up, she's a child. She acts mature in front of others, but deep down she's a lonely child who never recovered from the abuse she endured. She tried to, it's a given, but she always failed. It's always someone else's fault, either mine for not doing something I'm "supposed" to do or my father was the abuser and she did "what she could with what she had" (common excuse, I am told), or the driver that crossed lanes when she wasn't blinking or whatever.
I don't want to be like her... I want to take responsibility for my actions.

Unfortunately for now I'm disabled and dependent, that will change in a few years. I have absolutely no intention of dealing with this nonsense the rest of her life.

As for how therapy is going, it's going pretty well. My therapist says we need to take it slower than twice a week because it's messing with my moods from my Bipolar, he wants my psychiatrist's take on it too, and I have an appointment with her next week. I feel strong and confident that I will be able to overcome all of this, with baby steps, and I'm not usually one to wallow (just sometimes). I've been practicing self compassion, with all the parts inside of me that need nurishing. It's refreshing. My T told me that I need to learn how to look on them with respect and not dismiss my inner child as something like trash who is always afraid, I need to love myself now and that's my assignment for the next months. Seems easy, right?

[Blackbird]

Mother's day here today. I have to pretend everything is fine, gave her a gift. An old friend of the family, a kind of sweet second mother, is coming for lunch. That's kind of nice, makes less of a need to crawl out of my skin.

Not even depressed, angry or anything today. Feeling kind of strong, actually. Therapy is working miracles with me, never expected it.

Maybe it's not so bad afterall that I have to keep all this self control over my emotions, given the amount of instability of the past.
I was always very vocal in my teens, dissociated a lot too. The dissociation continues but now I'm able to turn my face and ignore when she tries to push my buttons, which is not that often, well because I'm not so vocal.

I have this mask, a part of me, that is all about sense of humour. So I use it to speak to her, keeping the spirits up and not engage in verbally violent outbursts. I'm very sensitive to agression now, ever since my hospitalization. Sometimes can't even watch an action movie, when I'm too sensitive.

I'm keeping positive though, I changed a lot over the years, she can't blame me anymore.

[Blackbird]

There's a part of me that hates all parts of me. Hate is a horrible feeling. I hate to hate, maybe the same part that hates all parts hates itself too. I can see it clearly like a black blob of goo. 

I can hate my parents too, but that leads nowhere. My father had profound issues, way beyond his control. Everyone loved him. My mother has issues beyond her control, everyone else loves her too, nobody ever believed me except for my T, a friend and an exboyfriend.

I've been missing that ex lately, not the relationship itself but his presence in my life. He understood that part of me, tranquilized it. I really wish I didn't have that manic episode and screwed it all up. Well, guilt trip and here we go again, hate. I hated him too.

My self homework for the week is to practice my self compassion to not hate. I'm tired of hate. I see hate everywhere. Some people hate for no reason at all. I have reasons, but I can choose not to hate.

[Blackbird]

Nightmares every night!

Tonight I dreamnt I was pregnant, something I've decided I don't want until my trauma therapy is over. I'm still young, I can even adopt later in life. But anyway, I dreamnt I was pregnant. The father of the child ran away and I was all alone. The clinic resembled a butcher's shop, it was very disconcerting, they kept trying to lock me in my room. My mother was trying to find me and I kept running away from her, the butcher was helping me. He was the guy that would be delivering my baby. I'm feeling sick to my stomach just remembering.

In analysing this I can only come to the conclusion that the fear of having children and perpetuating the abuses is still very present. I've decided I didn't want children before, after years of wanting them so badly. The fear seems to be most prominent in outside dangers, as I was doing everything I could to protect my unborn child.

Two things arose from this, one is that I still want to have children and in fact would do everything that I could to protect my children instead of causing them harm. The other is that I'm too afraid of the outside world and would probably be overprotective.
Still a lot of years of therapy ahead of me.

On another note, the part of me that hates so much feels nurtured now. I understand why I hate sometimes. Harm was done to me repeatedly, by people I trusted. I tend to go overboard and think everyone is terrible, with evil intentions. Or they're too self absorbed to even think about my well being. Maybe I'm the one being too self absorbed? I honestly don't know.

I tried to listen to what that part of of me that hates has to say, it says the planet is doomed if we don't act now. It says politicians are ruining our lives, it says it's difficult to trust people because they're all bad. It tends to exhagerate  Like my T told me to do, I talked to it, explained that measures are being taken all over the world to  tackle climate change, that politics change and will change even more during my lifetime, that some people can be trusted, that I'll learn to love again.

This brought me to yet another issue. Love. Love has to be mutual, it's a construct. Hard lesson I learned in life. There isn't a lot of love in my life, so I'm needy of it. I daydream often about it, friends, lovers, ex coming back.

I wish there was more empathy in the world, too.

[Blackbird]

No nightmares tonight!!! Oh man, I feel so well this morning, not with a pit on my stomach or a sense of dread.

Have my appointment with my psychiatrist today, since the depression has lifted I think it's not needed to up the dosage of my mood stabilizer. She will say what she thinks.

I've been feeling very tired since the EF lifted, going to bed early and waking up later than usual. Sleeping around 9 to 10 hours, seems like I need the rest. I don't have work for two weeks, so I'll take the time to examine further all my parts.

T has schedulled appointments for one and half weeks, not twice a week, since he thought it was doing me more harm than good. Like Blueberry said on another thread, I need to take it slow and my T agreed. So I only have an appointment next week. I've been writing down what I want to talk about in the next appointment, all the parts of me that have been present lately.

On our last appointment he helped understand how to not be taken over by a part, and how to defuse from that part if it does happen. I noticed I was irritable, and that can lead to an extreme anger or rage. So I "talked" (in my head) with that part and let another comprehensive part join the conversation. The anger part just wants to be heard, he usually shouts but in this case he was calm and layed down his troubles. He's trying to protect my inner child and lashes out on people without care of consequences. That hasn't happened in a while, no triggers, so that's probably why I was able to talk calmly with him so well yesterday.

That part used to daydream about a time when my parents were both dead and I was free. Sometimes it still happens. When my father passed I felt such a relief, like it was all over. But I don't think I will feel the same about my mother, since she is in fact making strides to get better even at her age and we've grown to have a better relationship, nothing like what happened when I was young.

It was also the part that raged agaisnt my father and went NC with him. There's also a part of me that feels guilty about it, my T thinks it's one of my inner children, and although I understand why and respect it, it was the best thing I could've done for myself. My father was nothing but toxic and done things no child should endure... I wasn't a child anymore but with him I always felt like one.

Also, I've been wondering if my mood swings are Bipolar related or trauma related and I've been researching about it. The severity of my swings are definitely Bipolar related, for now there is only research on the environmental causation of trauma and other mental illnesses, not trauma being the illness itself. I think it's a question of a normative society, childhood or any kind of abuse is still pretty much desguised and accepted in all corners of the world, even in the western world where we're supposed to be so advanced in terms of human rights. Things are better, but still, it's still horrible.

[Blackbird]

Another good night's sleep. I don't even remember what I dreamt of.

Psychiatrist yesterday was very helpful. She was very vocal about how my parents completely screwed up with me, that I should not minimize like I usually do just because other people don't see the harm being made. Like the others' opinions matter more than the actual harm made. I guess it's my way to deal right now, if I look at it the way it was, if I remember all the pain and sorrow I will crumble and I don't want to crumble, can't afford to. Need to stay sharp. I refuse to go back to a psych ward, too.

Anyway, she mentioned that when we are children we tend to fantasize about what is happening because we don't have experience for our critical thinking, we can't differentiate harm from normal. We tend to fill the gaps with our fantasies of what we are taught to believe is correct. (No wonder we get so screwed up later...) If one of my parents is a complete screw up and does a lot of harm, and the other is less of a screw up but still does harm, we tend to believe that the one who is less a screw up is our savior. Then they don't save us, or put us in more harms way. We watched tv and movies, we knew what a "perfect" family looked like. We compared.

I talked about being believed and not believing myself. Nobody believed me when I was psychotic "Oh she's crazy, she's delusional". And later I stopped believing in it too, until recently. Now I'm having trouble accepting it. In my mind I was a happy child. My psychiatrist says I just couldn't differentiate harm from normal. I feel like a fake, like I don't belong in this forum, that these symptoms are all part of other mental disorders and that I'm still delusional.

For once, my psychiatrist and therapist believe me. They were the ones who brought it up, they saw the signs. Now I'm the one having a hard time accepting it.

Advice anyone? Comments would be appreciated.

[Hope66]

Hi Blackbird,
You said comments were welcome, so I'd like to comment and say that I think you are in the right place here in the forum, as your concerns and difficulties are all part and parcel of what this forum is for - and it's so great to hear that your psychiatrist and your therapist are behind you supporting you and most importantly believing you. 

It was interesting to hear what your psychiatrist said about how we tend to turn to TV and movies to get some idea of what is normal - when our own experience at home can be far from normal.  I did the same thing - it was a way to relate and understand things.

I don't know what else to say, as I often fear that I can't say what I mean - but I did want to comment and I'm glad to hear you've had another good night's sleep.  That is really good. 

Hope 

[Blackbird]

Thank you Hope, I mean it.

I was thinking that this feeling of still being delusional when I'm perfectly sane comes from the gaslighting I endured as well with my mother and my exboyfriend later on. One of the things that hurts the most when I was hospitalized in a psych ward was believing them to be right, that I am in fact crazy and it was all my fault. I apologized to my mother, even! Over and over again, crying because I believed it was all my fault.

Well, thank you again. It's good to know that I'm not delusional.

[Blackbird]

Seems like my sleep is back to normal, I've got back to my fantasy filled dreams, even though I had a hard time falling asleep. My past, not just childhood but adulthood as well, keeps haunting me at those hours and I keep trying to project a more positive outlook on things, sometimes even daydreaming on resolving them - which my therapist says it's healthy.

I try not to think about things too much while I'm awake, I try to keep my thought patterns recovery oriented. When I start ruminating, I've learned to focus on the positives, otherwise I get hijacked and become a total mess.

In the process of the approach I'm doing with my T, I've been learning about how certain parts are in the seat of consciousness, those who are present at the time, it can also be the Self. They can be angry, or uncaring, or too caring, or too forgiving, etc. I realized I've been letting stay in that seat a minimizer, the one who minimizes my struggles and my accomplishments over them. I let him talk yesterday and asked him to step aside, what arose next was the strong one with a sense of humour.

I've learned that it is possible for a part to be present as well as the Self, together. We feel the emotions and thoughts of that part, with the caring nature of the Self. I let that be present for me as far as I was able to take it, it felt really good. I hadn't felt this good in years. A sense of Spring, like the sun is shining and there's a breeze at the same time. Something positive is always welcome.

The sense of dread of yesterday has passed, at least for now. I think I'm starting to be strong enough to tackle my inner child with my T, last time was good during the appointment, but I felt so bad afterwards that he said it will take longer.
My psychiatrist thinks I'm ready, she prepared me for it with her usual empathy. I don't want to retraumatize myself talking about the sexual abuse, but I'm sure we can tackle the other issues, there are so many!

I'm starting to become more confident in my suspicions. When both my therapist and my psychiatrist think there's something there, I'm not going to turn a blind eye just because I don't want to deal with the emotions.
It explains so much, like my  T says. It explains all my behavior in my childhood, teens and early adulthood before the psychotic break. It explains my current behavior as well, now that I think about it.

They let me believe I was delusional, that's on them, not on me. I know something is not right, I need to respect that feeling instead of always thinking of what others will think of me, say or do. I need to do this for me. For my well being.

I don't have illusions that my Bipolar and  OCD will magically disappear. (My OCD is in remission thanks to therapy, but it can come back, as it usually does). I don't have those illusions, but I know I can better prepare myself for the future of my mental health.

I'm feeling very positive today.

[Blackbird]

I think I've been over-blaming my mother in behalf of not wanting to look at the amount of neglect and abuse I endured by my father. Not that she didn't do harm, still has her "issues" and we struggle with them, but I think I've been projecting most of the blame on her not to look at the devastating harm my father done to me. So here it goes.

This is very triggering, so please don't read if you're sensitive or in the risk of an EF...

It's all a giant fog, I remember bits and pieces, mostly bad things. I will tell some parts I do remember, the less triggering ones.

When people die, there's this tendency of salvaging their image. My uncle, on my father's side, likes to remind us all about the wonders of my father every chance he gets, as in an attempt for us not to remember our father as such as disgrace as he was. His friends do the same. I once met a friend of my father on a bakery by accident, he recognized me and came over, asked if it was me and then proceded to say how much he missed my father and how much of a wonderful person he was, that he regretted not spending more time with him, and so forth. I remember smiling and nodding my head, but screaming in my mind "You have no idea what you're talking about".

There was this air of secrecy that plagues me to this day. It wasn't to be talked about outside of the family the stuff we endured. His name was hardly mentioned, and when people asked about him the response was always in the lines of "Oh, you know how he is..." or "Seems to be in the right direction" depending on wether he was getting treatment at the time or not. But at the same time no one talked about it, everyone else knew. My father didn't exactly hide, he showed off his inadequacy to the world.

I tried to save him dozens of times, from his alcoholism. I was his prey, in hindsight. He would call me for me to feel sorry for him and I would go running. We would have lunch or just talk, but I don't remember what about. My sisters tried to warn me and protect me, but my mother thought I should learn by myself. She didn't protect me, she taught me a lesson that I never forgot. When I was a teen I no longer remembered the pain from my childhood, all I wanted was to have a relationship with my father, even if it was a messed up one. It was never a father-daughter relationship, it was something else that I can't name.

I had my first boyfriend back then, and told my father about him. My father became enraged and tried to slap me, I ran. I started to distance myself then and he never mentioned my boyfriend again.
When my sister was to get married, she went to my father for him to meet my brother in law. He told them the cost of divorce rates, and how marriage always ends in tears and disgrace.

I was messed up already, from school bullies, neglect and some emotional abuse from my mother, neglect and abuse from my father, I was really messed up. I started drinking and doing drugs. I broke up with my perfect boyfriend and began a series of unfortunate events. *trigger* I was sexually abused while drunk, and began a relationship with that guy. Looking at it now, it makes sense. I have the certain feeling I was sexually abused by my father when I was around five years old, old pattern of revictimization.
Then I was expelled from school and my mother sent me to live with my dying grandma. I started a new relationship with a guy that was emotionally abusive. I was 14 at the time. I did exceptionally well in school this time, top of my class and my mother was happy with me. I was starting to have bouts of psychosis back then, thinking nature was talking to me and that I could read people's minds. That phase eventually passed.

I came back to the city to live with my mother. My father would call me every month but I would no longer went to see him so often. We talked on the phone.

On my 18th birthday he called me and instead of congratulating me, he started crying that I didn't give him enough attention, and I exploded. Told him he controlled my life, that I didn't want to save him anymore, that he was trying to commit suicide through alcohol, that he was an awful human being. I never talked to him again. He died two years later.

The guilt of not talking to him again grew incrinsigly profound for years, like I had abandoned him like he did to me.

*trigger* I was then sexually abused again, and again I started a relationship with that person that physically abused me too many times to count. I almost commited suicide by the end, but he didn't let me. I was a complete mess. I asked my sister for help, she said it was "cathartic" that I tried to commit suicide. I thought nobody was going to help me so I expelled the guy out of my house kicking his butt all the way down the stairs, and began a new life.

All of this prolonged abuse triggered an extremelly long manic episode and I ended up in the hospital, back in my mother's house.

Nowadays, my inner child that feels abandoned is extremelly powerful. She's obsessive, angry, sad and a perfectionist with a savior complex. I'm learning to nurture her and listen to her, she says things like "Nobody loves me", "I'm useless", "I'll never be good enough.", "I don't amount to anything but a lifetime of pain". I know these are extremes, but I actually don't see love around me. I know some of my closest friends like me a lot, but it's not love. I don't expect them to love me, either. I don't know if I'm capable of trully loving, trusting, be there for somebody either. I failed a lot of people in my life, because of the feeling of inadequacy and just flat out leaving.

The inner child that revictimized herself, my T says she will no longer do that. Not that she's cured, but there are other "protectors" now, that won't allow her to feel that pain anymore. I don't know where she is, I can't access her knowingly for now.

I'm writing here because I've been unconsciously avoiding talking about my father in therapy for so long, that I need to start letting things out. I don't know what to say about him when I'm in therapy, besides the same story over and over again on how I saw him almost gone. I didn't tell this here, because it is too triggering. I don't remember what happened in those times, in a chronological way. It took me an hour to write this piece of text, because I was scrambling my brain trying to find the words right in the correct order, arranging things in the correct order. But most of it was left out, it's too triggering. Maybe I'll be able to talk about it in therapy, maybe I won't for now.

My life should've come with a trigger warning.

[Three Roses]

 

Sometimes there are no words, all I can offer you is a cyber hug. I think when you're ready, the words will come. Until then, be gentle and patient with yourself. ♡

[Blackbird]

Thank you, Three Roses. A hug is more than enough 

[Blackbird]

"The only way is through"

Finally, after months of obsessive thoughts about the past, I was able to daydream about a good future. Last night when I went to bed I felt the need of a good partner, something I haven't felt in a long time after years of all sorts of abuse and abandonment. I even daydreamed about being a mother, craddling a baby to sleep, breastfeeding. I realized my fear of having children is the fear of failure, of repeating patterns. I realized I would never do that, too. So, positively moving forward.

I've been studying the implications of the IFS model on trauma therapy, read research and articles and saw slideshows about it. I'm fairly confident that this time it will be worth it. I feel hope, for a change.

My inner child feels more secure now that I've been nurturing her, she still wants to speak out, still wants to be heard. I realized that it's the first time I'm actually able to resolve this, all other therapies and people in my life who got that I needed help were just bandages for the internal wounds.

I have more inner children, teenagers and adults too. They all want to speak out now, sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. I start to think that I can develop DID  , but I read that it is a common fear. I think I'm more centered now, more confident, more in the Self. I can feel calm, which in the everlasting state of anxiety I was in, is an extreme relief. It's only momentarily, though, still.

I've been reaching out, pointing the flashlight, to the various parts of me that appear when I'm aware, hearing what they have to say, thanking them and then asking them to move aside to let me be in centered in the Self. It will take a long time before I will be able to be completely in the Self, but the journey is worth it.

They say it usually gets worse before it gets better, and I'm ready for it. Because of my Bipolar, I have a good system in place in case I need to get hospitalized again, which is the worse of the worst options available. I also have in place a house of a friend, near the beach, to go to in case it gets too overwhelming here with my mother. But these are the worst case scenarios, both my T and my Psychiatrist believe that I'm able to handle it without all of this. I like to have my options in place, though.

Feel pretty centered today, so will take the advantage and read more of the book my T gave me to read and do some exercises. I've been avoiding not to trigger myself too much. Seems like the IFS model is already engraved in me and I already do what I need to do automatically, which is pretty cool.

[Hope66]

   You're sounding positive and I hope you have another good night's sleep tonight. 

Hope 

[Blackbird]

Thanks Hope! I did have a good night's sleep. I think the EF is finally over this time. I also had a heart to heart conversation with my mother, which helped ease the pain a little bit.