Blackbird's journal

[Blackbird]

**TW**

So... my T says it's time to stop running, that we're not dealing well enough with the underlying issues, that we're barely scratching the surface for more than a year now and that something needs to change in our dynamics. Of course I blamed myself, but he said it's not my fault or responsibility, that he allows the distractions in fear of retraumatizing me.

He was very adamant in letting me know what my current issues are, without criticizing. I was beginning to forget and dismiss the possible sexual abuse, and he reminded me that I have all the symptoms, just not the memory of it. I hate this idea that he's pushing me to believe that something happened, destroying the bubble of the slightly dysfunctional family dynamics I once had, replacing it by the terror that was actually present. I'm not blaming him though, it did happen, I can't barely go to the Sexual Abuse subforum in fear of being triggered. I haven't spoke about my father in the latest appoinments either, like the forbidden subject that it is in my head.

I explained that since I'm living with my mother, it's extremelly difficult for me to look into her abuses without filling myself with anger or vulnerability, allowing her to perpetuate the blame game, making it all my fault again, retraumatizing me all over again and putting me in a position of having to be extremelly fake in order to overcome the rest of my life's obstacles that I face now. He understands, but thinks that if I allow myself to put my foot down and take control over my life that I will grow as a person, that I can do that without being confrontational and agressive. Something I have to learn, I guess.

So, we approached the revictimization part of me without allowing her to take over. It was progress, because it didn't send me to an EF, I had dissociation and dizzy spells during the appointment, and had to sleep all afternoon after the appointment to shake it off. Then later into the night I had a nightmare and woke up at 5 am, couldn't go back to sleep. So, it messed a bit with me but I know I have to allow it to happen to really pin point exactly what we need to deal with in therapy. We're back to weekly sessions, too.

The nightmare was about the idea of love, I felt it in my heart, but the things around me that happened were messed up and preverse, toxic relationships with toxic people from my past. They were rescuing me from my mother, just for me to land myself in another toxic situation. But I was feeling love, I was feeling joy that they were back, that those preverse things were happening. Woke up all sweaty and shaking, not believing that I was actually capable of putting myself in that situation again and again and again.

The part of me that revictimizes herself is very strong, she learned how to do it when we were just a child and never let go of that behaviour. She learned how to accept any kind of abuse and just roll with it, thinking she is strong to endure some more. Another part of me is tired of her, and wants her gone, dead. My Self wants to heal her, because I recognize she has good qualities, and they need to be cherished. This was the only progress in therapy this week, it was frustrating.

We also talked about my "end of the line" part, the suicidality part. It hasn't been present, but my T wanted us to aknowledge that it exists, although it's not a problem right now, it can be when we go deeper. The last time he came (and almost succeeded) I was blind by shame and pain, that can surely happen again and we don't want that.

I'm a bit frustrated today and don't know where to turn. I told my T yesterday that I want to haste progress, "Lets go, come on, hurry up". My T reminded me that it is another part of me, not my Self. Then we talked about how curious my Self is to ther other parts, how present it has been. Ugh, it's a step backwards for me. I was able to distinguish parts from the Self but now I feel I'm unable to again.

Then the daydreams, the "morphines" as my T calls them, the dissociations and all of that, that appear to distract me from progress.

I need to have patience, this will take so much longer, I'm just in the beginning. 

[Blackbird]

Crash imminent... Forgot to take my meds yesterday, hopefully I won't crash today and tomorrow will wake up better. Not the best timing to forget my medication, I'm still raw from the last T appointment. Crash for me means not being able to get out of the couch all day, not taking care of myself, not being able to discern the bad thoughts from reality.

So I will try to sum up what has happened so far...

Realized a bunch of things
- I'm angry and in repressing that I might get health problems...
- Can't let my anger go, or release it fully, so I exercise.
- *TW small part* I have a deep part of me that is self destructive, wants to shut the entire system down. But instead of just getting it over with, I sleep it off. I'm actually kind of proud of myself for that, I could be so much worse, but instead I keep the survival mode on, in hope of a better future. *TW over*
- I don't feel I fit in anywhere, I'm always an outsider looking in at everything. This brings me both satisfaction, as if I'm somehow different from the herds and that's a good thing, and sadness, because well, we all want to fit in somewhere.
- The damage done to me is too big to fit in my mind right now. I feel I'm not yet ready to face it, yet I'm forced to by just living with my mother.
- I want to release it, but I can't cry again, something blocks me. It's like this giant wall of strenght keeping me from trully feeling the anger and the pain, like I'm not allowed to feel. I need to feel.
- In allowing the further abuse after my childhood, I dealt with so much evil that I see evil intentions everywhere now. I've become rather paranoid about others, always thinking they have the worst in mind, either about me or things to do to me.
- I know what steps to take in my life but don't have the strenght to take them. All I want now is peace.

Good things:
- I'm very strong and resilient. I've endured so much in so little time that I deserve this break to just allow myself to heal a bit.
- My mother isn't staying at home all day for the next few years as she started working on a new job, I have time to process my emotions from now on. Today is day one of that, I'll go back to my books.
- People, shmeokle. I don't need to be surrounded with people in my life to be happy, just a few good friends is enough, and I've learned how to appreciate the good people in my life more these past few months.
- I will take my T's advice and stop running, I will face my issues head on, even if that means getting worse before getting better.
- Work has been good, it will be better without my mother's interference. Yesterday I was able to keep my cool as she had a small meltdown.
- This whole experience of realizing my mother too is a survivor of abuse made me more compassionate, and maybe that's why I don't feel the need to be angry at her. But the lingering issue of "maybe I should" continues... For future reference though.
- Realizing my father was a complete piece of *.
- Realizing all my relationships were somewhat abusive, and some very abusive.
- None of those people have control over me anymore.

That's enough for today. 

[Three Roses]

I don't feel I fit in anywhere, I'm always an outsider looking in at everything. This brings me both satisfaction, as if I'm somehow different from the herds and that's a good thing, and sadness, because well, we all want to fit insomewhere.

I used to feel like I was a different species. I knew I wasn't, but I felt so different that I didn't know what to think.

I want to release it, but I can't cry again, something blocks me. It's like this giant wall of strenght keeping me from trully feeling the anger and the pain, like I'm not allowed to feel. I need to feel. 

Me, too. I keep reading how anger will help you heal but I just can't get in touch with that emotion. Can't cry, either. I'd love to be able to.

[Blackbird]

  to you Three Roses.

On not fitting in, I found a good Ted Talk about it, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnooCepNZv4. It was funny because it was just a few minutes after writting this and I wasn't even looking for it. Made me feel better.

I wish I could release it all. The anger being subsided is actually good for me, for a lot of years I exploded with so much frequency everyone was afraid of me. Now I'm gentler and only explode when my boundaries are being severely pushed aside, which I don't tolerate well at all. Crying though, I can't do it. I cried when I was triggered into an EF, reading about sexual abuse. But since then I can't.
My T says I need to have a ritual with the elements. Either with fire, or by the sea, or in the wind, or with the soil. He thinks that a ritual might help my IC to release her burdens.

I just made an incredible journey with my IC just a few moments ago, with a guided meditation from Youtube. I'm feeling so relaxed that I'm afraid all the relaxation will go away. Tomorrow I'll do another.

[Blackbird]

Well, I crashed. And crashed hard. Trying to maintain my head above the water.

Constant nightmares, constant need for sleep, falling asleep in front of the tv and having more nightmares isn't helping.

I've been trying to keep busy, but that only makes me more tired. Can't stand in front of the computer long.

Triggered by accessing my IC, and feeling the unbelievable amount of pain in a ball in the center of the chest, also triggered by the last appointment with T, which left me raw and with unfinished business. He did prolong the appointment, it was just not enough. Feeling a bit lost inside myself without guidance, but will have to make until the next appointment this week.

Nighmares consist of me living happily ever after with my abusers and enjoying it, while my Self is in the back of my mind telling me "This isn't right", it's recurring and I always wake up entrenched in sweat and with palpitations in my heart. The content is always different, though, the theme is the only thing recurring.

Wishing for a better tomorrow. Will take a walk now.

[Blueberry]

Hey Blackbird, I hope you're feeling a tad better after your walk.

I'm sorry you're in such a bad phase right now. I don't feel strong enough in myself to say anything useful to you but am sending you   

[Blueberry]

The part of me that revictimizes herself is very strong, she learned how to do it when we were just a child and never let go of that behaviour. She learned how to accept any kind of abuse and just roll with it, thinking she is strong to endure some more. Another part of me is tired of her, and wants her gone, dead. My Self wants to heal her, because I recognize she has good qualities, and they need to be cherished. This was the only progress in therapy this week,

If I may say so Blackbird, that is tons of progress, all these conflicting realisations about parts of Self as a child and now and seeing the good qualities that need to be cherished!   

Also in the same post, I read of more progress from you. It sounds as if you have a competent therapist, even if the going is tough right now. I'm happy that you have a therapist who sounds as if he can guide you well through this.

[Blackbird]

Thanks Blueberry  It means a lot. It did help to get out for a bit. I dreamt in the afternoon again, but don't remember what, which is good.

And tonight I dreamt about letting go of abusive people, there were several, including politicians lol So I guess I'm am getting better. I don't expect a smooth ride to getting better, but I wish my dreams weren't plagued with those people.

I think you're right, Blueberry, it's good progress. But still, to have all these nightmares I think I'm too fused (like my therapist says) with that part of me. I will do some exercises from my book today on how to defuse.

Thank you again, it means a lot to feel I'm not alone. 

[Blackbird]

I cleaned so heavily yesterday that by the end of the day I couldn't move because my body was completely sore. It was good to let out the built in anger with the repetitive movements of cleaning, I imagined vaccuming my worries away.
Well, I slept better tonight, deeper, but the dreams about the exs continued. This time was the latest one and we were getting married. 

I think the last appointment with T left this revictimizing part of me completely out in the open, taking over my mood and sleep time in her attempt of communicating with me. The thoughts I have are all negative... "I'm too tired" "I will never get out of this hole" "Nobody cares" etc. I feel stuck in a repetitive loop of the past, and it's exhausting. I think she is the one feeling this, I'm too fused with her.

Today I have the day to myself and it's a hot rainy day, so I'm staying in with my pets. Will take the time to maybe write a dialogue, to help her come out in a more recovery-ish fashion, instead of continuously pushing me to wake up in a "Oh no, not again" state.

I might try and exercise a little, maybe just 10 minutes, if my body allows it, just to feel better.

I've been counting calories in order to lose some weight. I think it's just another way of changing my eating disorder into a less chaotic eating disorder. I'm still obsessed about food, but this time about how little I can eat in order to be healthy. I don't have intense sugar cravings or binge cravings anymore though, it morphed into an obsession of being fit. I don't want to feel this way, if I eat a potatoe chip I feel like a failure. Maybe I should just accept my extra weight and try to feel comfortable in my own body, I think that should be the healthy thing to do.
Also, I watched a documentary on consciousness and think of becoming a vegetarian again. It was the healthiest period of my life, back then, and I think it's just cruel to eat animals who have a conscious mind and self-awareness. To be honest, I think plants just have a different kind of consciousness that was not discussed in that documentary, they just talked about what resembled humans.
My mind is mush, don't know what to think. 

[Blackbird]

I've been meditating, first with guided now just with ambience music, letting myself relax and talking with my inner children with compassion, learning to listen to them and appreciate their input (sometimes it seems they're more in tune with my current situation than my current depressed part that has taken over is). It seems to have begun an amazing healing process, I'm still down but I have inner strenght, am active and with interest in the future. I didn't even have a nightmare tonight

I've started planning the future yesterday, not concerning anyone else's opinions but mine. I will be able to let go of the barriers that were put in front of me, for sure. I have an amazing T and few but very supportive friends, but most of all I have myself and all that I've learned so far. I don't know what's in store for me, how hard it will be either, but I know I've been through worse and that the healing has begun.

I realized I've been reading too much into all of this, that I retraumatized myself and that I need to step back and focus on healing. I spend too much time online or reading books in hope of remembering something, or trying to force the process. So, I've decided to step away from online forums for a while, books and all that is too triggering for me. I'm no help to anyone if I can't even help myself.
I've decided to give more time for the good parts of my internal family to come out and play, that means spending more time in nature and just with plain curiosity for life, culture and everything that is available for me to grow as a person, not only focusing on what happened to me. It happened for too long, and it needs to lose its' power over me.

So, I don't know if I will come back here. Thank you for all the support, I mean it. Understanding the works of C-PTSD was very important for me, and you all helped me even if we didn't communicate directly.

Wishing you all healing and a nurturing and fulfilling life.
 

[Three Roses]

I know you will do what's best for you! You are brave and insightful, a winning combination. Wherever your journey takes you, you have my warmest regards. Best wishes for a brighter future!

[Blueberry]

Best wishes to you Blackbird and thank you for sharing what you did here!