It's like I've had a permanent chip on my shoulder...

[Healing Finally]

Hi all  - as I recall my actions and reactions over the years; I realized that I've been living in a triggered state due to CPTSD for most of the time.  So sad!!! I now get it!  I now understand when I'm in "that mood" that causes me to over-react, as I feel used and abused; and who knows what triggered me.  I have been so used to living with this angst, this terrible underlining anguish that I've forever had to push through.

No wonder I felt the need to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.  My Mom would say "can't you just be happy without getting high?"  And I would honestly say, no.  NO, why??  She figured it was due to my "addictive personality" (that's what everyone has said.) And now I get it, no, it's not that I can't stop my addictive personality, it's because I'm STRUGGLING with degrading internal thinking processes, as my amygdala forever gets hijacked over and over again.

Again, it was HERE that I figured this out.  I feel so relieved.  I'm just starting to understand, the light is just starting to come through.  I still have a long way to go.  But, I have felt more happy lately than I can remember, as my brain moves in a positive direction.  As I allow myself, to heal.

Thank you everyone 

[Three Roses]

as I recall my actions and reactions over the years; I realized that I've been living in a triggered state due to CPTSD for most of the time.  So sad!!! I now get it!

Me too!

[Blackbird]

Well, me three 

[Blueberry]

Me, four.

[Dee]

I do too!  I have also learned that when I go from 0 to 10 and feel like I am out of control it is a form of dissociation.  Sometimes I feel like I can watch me loose it.

[Healing Finally]

Wow Dee, that's wild! 

Like right now  my boyfriend/domestic partner (who is uBPD although it could be CTPSD too) will criticize me when he is stressed. He just did this and now I am secluding myself feeling this very common feeling of angst, confusion, anger, sadness, and feel like licking my wounds (OK abused.)  If I come back out I will be like a ticking time bomb; all someone will have to do is look at me sideways (especially my boyfriend.)  I'm so friggin' sensitive and appear to be very needy when I think about it.  I wish I could just let this stuff go.