Reputation Repair

[Contessa]

Hi all,

This is a spinoff thread to the one called "surviving character assassination". Things have gotten better, but there is still some awkwardness. I have spent months "doing nothing", and now I just want to address things and get them out of the way.

So given that people like to get in on other people's business, I've decided to write a letter for everyone involved to read. I plan to put this on Facebook first thing Monday morning, but i'd like to share it with you first.

The letter here is long, sorry. And when I share it on my wall I'll delete it here. Time to take control of this mess.

------------------------------*

Apologies. Have decided not to wait, and have deleted the letter. Will let you know if anything happens.

[Blueberry]

Hope there's no bad fallout. If there is, stay strong and come and post on here. We're here for you.

[Contessa]

None so far Blueberry.
Lots of support currently.
I've not mentioned names, only my experience, and things I've noticed.
People can make up their own minds and I'm more than happy for people to leave my life.

[Contessa]

So sorry I deleted my message here. But I have gathered a lot of support from it, and private messages from people who have gone/are going through similar.

A couple of people who are at my workplace have acknowledged the post on there, but all who I know were involved have not.

The crux is, I asked them to question what they have heard now if they didn't before. If they have been lead to believe I have done something to them, then please talk to me and we can resolve it.

I did state that for anybody who at this point still blindly accepts the rumours and gossip as fact, then they are no my friend so please leave my life immediately. So far only one person has, but I can't even figure out who that person is.

A mountain of support from far and wide, from people who know me better. We'll see what comes of those involved, there are already more than enough responses for them to mull over and gossip about.

[Contessa]

I've been waiting for a fall out, but none yet.
Responses have been profound, and in many different ways. People I haven't heard from in years all lending support. Childood friends.
People from work are also responding in their unique ways. People i'm not even friends with.
Students...
A big grown man has cried.
Friends are calling friends.
A lot of people are acknowledging this, and are being very sensitive to it.
That's all for today.
I'm ready to move on.

[Blueberry]

Wow, Contessa, that's so great!

[Contessa]

Yeah.

[Contessa]

Still no fallout.

A lot of people in general conversation have slipped in an 'are you okay?' and I can confidently reply 'yes thank you' before steering to conversation to better topics.

Other friends tell me that they read the post, and we discuss some things in it.

I think one or two are avoiding me, but do I care? Not in the slightest.

I think by calling it what it was, it destroyed the uncertaintly in others. Many are starting the conversations with me now, not the other way around. It feels easier to walk in a room.

I can do what I need to and not worry about what people are thinking.

It feel good to finally be back at "meh..." and concentrate completely on work.

[JamesG]

good for you. great stuff.

I never had to call my darling brother out in public because he was caught between his bad behaviour and the public failure to back up his claims regarding care of my mother. This was then compounded by his online behaviour over the last very political year and suddenly, a lot of people who had certainly doubted my narrative for the last 20 years, suddenly saw what he is capable of. Once that was out in the open and people started talking, people began to contact me and apologise for having been so mislead over the years. Having since spoken to his ex-wife it was clear just how powerful his manipulation of mine and others reputation had been. But that's what they do isn't it? I'm just angry with myself for ever letting any of that stuff under my skin. Wasted years.

[Contessa]

It is such a waste JamesG, you're right. 20 years!! I just don't get it. There are better ways to live.

Glad it's finally out. I'm finding for me that I can finally just stop fighting for my life, and now reflect. I really don't have anything left of what I was fighting for I now realise. Such a waste of time when it could have been spent living.

Time to start anew.

[Candid]

I'm just angry with myself for ever letting any of that stuff under my skin. Wasted years.

This is where I'm at now. But all that effort, all that going back to be abused all over again and worse, shows me as a good and loving person who will almost kill herself to maintain relationships.

Good and loving, fine. Maintaining relationships that brutalise my spirit, not fine.

I'm so glad both of you have had some validation.

[Contessa]

Oh Candid
The difference I see is that, although it takes too long... we are learning. And that's something we have over our abusers and blissfully ignorant invalidators.

Went out today, finally. It was good, but a little difficult because everything I had missed these last few years just stood out. It got better, but didn't like feeling that way.

[Candid]

I keep thinking of everything I've lost through my mother's cruelty, wondering whether making a written list would feel worse. Had some idea that I would see what might be salvaged. But I suspect... nothing.

Thanks for the empathy. Takes no effort to stay the way I am (enraged and miserable) and will take enormous courage at age 61 to dust myself off and start all over again. I know, there's no alternative. Need to marshal my pitiful resources.

[Blueberry]

will take enormous courage at age 61 to dust myself off and start all over again. I know, there's no alternative. Need to marshal my pitiful resources.

Sorry for the little hijack, contessa.

Oh Candid,  'pitiful resources'  We need a thread on here called Resources. Maybe there even is one at The Café, where we can all practise marshalling our own resources and not labelling them pitiful or similar. You have enormous courage! And you've already started dusting yourself off and starting over again. 

Lots of good wishes in continuing, and granting yourself breaks when you need them, as you suggested to me in my Journal    I know, I know, it's always easier to see the progress in others and cheer them on than oneself.

[Contessa]

No worries at all Blueberry

Candid you're great. I wouldn't call your resources pitiful at all. You're here, and you provide wonderful support to everyone. As Blueberry says, you are already on the way to a new start even if you don't feel it