I don't know if this is an EF or not . . .

[alliematt]

Today I'm not having a good day.    Part of it is because I didn't take my full dose of hormones last week.  What I think triggered me was this episode:

I sing on our church's praise team.  Not every person sings every single week, but we all at least try to show up on Wednesdays during our Wednesday church service.  to learn new music.  There are eight people who sing weekly, and they stay after church to rehearse for Sunday.

I'm an alto.  I'm not used to being an alto.  I don't feel very secure in singing alto, but my range is not high enough to be soprano.  The rest of the altos have been part of the praise team for several years, longer than I have.

Sometimes, when we sit together, it seems that the rest of the altos are friendly with each other, but they don't always include me in their conversations.  I feel left out.  When I talk to them individually, they are very, very friendly, and I do not think that anyone's deliberately trying to shun me.  But I feel shunned sometimes.  I feel like I felt in school, when I really was shunned by people. 

Wednesday, one of the altos commented on how most of the altos were there, and she gave others a hug . . . and she didn't hug me. 

And I felt left out and ignored. 

That was the trigger. 

It is dumb, it is stupid . . . but I am so tired of doing the mental work to tell myself, "People do not bully you on the praise team.  They don't bully you at church.  Just because they talk together doesn't mean you're being ignored."  It is so much work, and I'm just so tired of doing it.

I have felt down, depressed, and like I want to scream at people ever since.  Last night, I did take my hormones.  They may take a little while to kick in and help me feel better. 

But is this an idea of an emotional flashback?  I don't know and I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum.

[Three Roses]

I can't speak for you or presume how you feel... but the situation you describe would definitely have triggered me.

Pete Walker says this about triggers:

One common clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that we feel small, helpless, hopeless and so ashamed that we are loath to go out or show our face anywhere.

Here's the link to the page that goes into more detail - http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Hope this helps

[alliematt]

Whatever this is has really gotten to me.  I've been screaming in my head at myself and at other people.

[Three Roses]

Sounds like you are stuck in a "fight" 4F response brought about by an EF. You may need to work on calming the response by doing some grounding work, or yoga or something.

From Pete Walker's website -

MANAGING FLASHBACKS
Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)
Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
  [a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
  Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
  [c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
  [d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
  [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.
Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:
  [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
  Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments
Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[Gromit]

Just sounds rude to me, that kind of thing has happened to me too, although not at a church.