Feeling like a Monster *trigger warning* responses would be amazing

[Elphanigh]

I need to hear some responses on this if anyone is willing. This will have part of my story that is difficult. I put a trigger warning in the title,  but if you are feeling easily triggered today this may not be the post for you right now.
Well, here it goes...

I am feeling particularly strongly today about some stuff and I think, I need some validation hopefully on the opposite of what I am feeling. I feel like I am a monster, and no better than any of my multiple abusers. Here is why in the most chopped down version I can give.

My first abuser had me molest my sister repeatedly for the better part of a year and a half. My sister was 4 and doesn't remember it but I do. AT first I fought a little, but soon it just was. I abused my sister and I just treated it as if it were normal after a while. I would do it on request with no questions asked. Whether she remembers it or not I abused her.. I had many abusers myself.. but I became one.. I became the monster I see in my head.. that's how I see some of my abusers that I don't know as well.. I became that big scary monster

When I was about 9.. I watched her get raped by my second major abuser. I did try to stop him at first but he told me that he would stop hurting me if he could have her that once. So I let it happen. I stood there telling her it would be okay and that it would be over soon. I was a monster then too.

After my abuse stopped.. I had friends I would play truth and dare with and I always brought it as far and as sexual as I could. This often pushed some boundaries they were not completely comfortable with but did anyways... In that moment I was a monster much like my second abuser...

I also failed several other people in my time.. I knew what it meant for me to fight and I did it anyways and people got hurt.. I got girls hurt because I couldn't always just let it happen... I deserved a lot of it after hurting my sister for so long... those girls didn't.. they had never done anything wrong.. they were my friends

So I feel like monster that needs to make up for everything I did.. Sometimes I can logically feel like it wasn't my fault but it is so ingrained in me that I caused that... that I deserved everything I experienced... from single abusers hitting me and shoving me around.... to being shared by multiple people at once as I grew older...

I can't help but feeling this way... I tortured myself for years over it... and then I tried to bury it in reminders that I am not bad.. but it is there full force today to remind me of everything I have ever done to hurt people

[Three Roses]

You are not a monster. You are very brave to talk about this, in fact. I suspect you will see a number of responses.

Children learn how the world works from the circumstances in which they live. They know no other reality but the one they are forced to endure. Our minds do what must be done to help us survive, to adapt to the abuse, even to perpetuate it if it is seen as necessary for survival.

An abused child also grows up to be an abuser because he or she has been taught that it is the bigger bully who gets what he or she wants.  He doesn't learn from being abused not to abuse.  Just the opposite:  he learns that the abuser is the one people give into;  the abuser is the one who gets what he wants by sheer threat.  So he learns how to be a bigger bully than those around him or her.

Studies also now indicate that about one-third of people who are abused in childhood will become abusers themselves. This is a lower percentage than many experts had expected, but obviously poses a major social challenge. The research also confirms that abuse in childhood increases the likelihood in adulthood of problems ranging from depression and alcoholism to sexual maladjustment and multiple personality.

You can see it is a well-known problem and not just my personal opinion.

The challenge then becomes, "How do I forgive myself?"

I've heard it said that keeping a secret intensifies its effect on you. Telling this secret will release its power over you, eventually. So first of all, I think it's essential to find a therapist to help you unravel this difficult and painful tangle.

Secondly, and I know this is a cliché, but you must realize that you didn't know any better. You were at the mercy of larger, more powerful beings on whom you were dependent for food, clothing, and shelter. You did what you thought you must. You were powerless to strike out on your own, and so you adapted to your reality.

Challenge the unwritten rules you were raised under. One therapist had me write all the unwritten rules on a piece of paper ("Don't talk about it", etc) and then write a new rule to replace it. So, "Never cry" might become "I openly express my emotions without apology."

Reparenting myself has also been helpful. I've created internal, good, healthy parents to turn to for advice and comfort. This is not to say I have forgotten my actual parents, but that I realize that, like those dysfunctional rules, they needed to be released from having power over me. Their beliefs about themselves and others needed to be examined and rewritten. The book, Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer goes into this process in detail (pp 103-108).

Thank you for starting this thread. Hugs to you, be gentle with yourself. No one else has done that for you, so be the first.




Quotes:
https://theotheri.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/why-do-abused-children-become-abusers/
http://www.nytimes.com/1989/01/24/science/sad-legacy-of-abuse-the-search-for-remedies.html?pagewanted=all

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Three Roses. It is hard to tell you how much just the words "You are not a monster" really mean to me at this point. I wasn't sure if I could expect any responses at all to be perfectly honest.

How do I forgive, has been a huge challenge. Thankfully I have started emdr with a new therapist and am working on this I am a monster belief. The cycle of hurting people is not a thing that continued past anything I have said. I have nightmares about it happening and beat myself up for having to be so scared of what I am capable of. It makes me sick to think about... I know I will never do it.. and would have never done it then if I could think like an adult... wanted to make sure the fact that I don't and wont ever hurt someone was clear

Cliche or not, I needed to hear all of that. I will try to be kind to myself but my day just keeps exploding with news so it is really difficult. I am trying to reparent myself but I have a long way to go. This is round two of me trying to go through all of this... I am trying to be patient but it is so hard, especially on days like this. Where I feel like everyone will see me how I see myself. That everyone will finally see what I did as a  kid.... That no one can love that

[Elphanigh]

Today is going to be a long one... Life picks a perfect day to show me how abusive my family can be.. and the show me just what is in my genetics... I am and will never been them. I pride myself on that ability but seeing it more than I have ever seen it in my life is so hard today... Finding out my Grandmother was recently abusive physically.... When all I knew her to be was sweet and good... My family never actively abused me.. they enabled and glossed over things that should have been noticed... my mom was mildly emotionally abusive  but never hurt me truly..

It's in my genetics to be terrible.. to contain an ability to just tear apart a person with words without even trying... I hate it. I am not my genetics but they scare me sometimes.. and when confronted with them more than I have ever been is not easy. I am not my family, I love them but I am not them. If I ever turned into them I would have no reason to live. I know this. I am not them. I am not mean and cruel and abusive... I am everything the opposite of that... The kindest person you meet that will never hurt anyone... or stand up for myself much... I protect others.. but I know I can be beyond cruel if pushed.. If I let myself be.. I don't want to contain that ability. I try to forget that I have that ability as much as possible... I try to forget the two times I used words to tear someone apart... I hate myself then.. I am not me. I lose myself... it has been about 6 years and I intend to keep it that way. It has been way before I hit 20 that it happened...

It is hard to not be scared of my genetics and my abused past... It is like the world tried to make me terrible, it wants me to be a monster...

[Blackbird]

You're not a monster. The ones that made you do that are the monsters. And you know that, because you're identifying with them. Thinking you're like them it's what they wanted in the first place, they wanted you to perpetuate it. But you didn't, though. They did that to your sister through you, not you. You grew stronger, you don't harm, you're gentle.

You're absolutely not a monster

[Elphanigh]

Thank you blackbird. This thread is helping me stay above water today. At work and I want nothing more than to just fall apart and run. I don't want to know what my family is capable of today.. the world chose the worst timing for that... I don't want to wonder what that means for my little cousins.. and what the outcome will be.. I don't want to know that I have one more thing in my life that tries to make me bad.. one more thing that could tip that scale...

I don't want to remember my sister's face.. or any of ti really.. I am sitting texting her in concern with my abusive grandmother and hoping it was a one time thing.. and trying to figure out what it will mean for everyone.. all the while she doesn't know what I did...

It is comforting to hear that people don't find that I am a monster.. they don't find me at fault for these things.. I am grateful for that Blackbird, more than I can properly explain. I'm am just kind of breaking today..

[Blueberry]

I second what Blackbird wrote. Absolutely.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. These responses are bringing me some peace today. I am grateful for all of you

[Wife#2]

Oh, my darling, dear Elphanigh! Please allow me to give you a huge, warm, accepting, comforting hug! YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER.  YOU NEVER WERE A MONSTER!

YOU WERE A CHILD. You were not capable of defeating an adult who'd already crossed those lines. You did try! With adults who crossed the line as badly as they did with you, of course you were scared what they would do if you fought harder!

If your sister is at peace with you, forgive yourself. If she ever does remember, forgive yourself.

See, the two components to forgiving are: Recognize that what you did was wrong. Change your life or yourself to ensure it won't happen again. You've fulfilled BOTH requirements for forgiveness! How quickly would you forgive your sister, were the roles reversed?

Given the huge heart and gentle spirit you've shown me and others here, I believe it would have gone something like this:

Sis, I remember some things that really bother me. Were you there? Did you do those things to me?  *** But it wouldn't stop there > keep reading *** How scared were you? My God, Sis, you were just a baby yourself! Neither of us should have been through that. Oh, no, come here and lets cry together. You don't have to walk away, I still love you! You don't have to cry alone! Let's cry together! They stole BOTH of our childhoods from us. THEY are the monsters. You and me, we are sisters. We are survivors. Together, we suffered. Together we WILL get through this. I have always loved you and I will always continue to love you. Thank you for being honest. You proved again why you are such a wonderful person.

See, the way my adult mind works, I understand what I believe to be why they made you do those things. It's a lot, so try to bear with me.

1) If YOU do some of THEIR dirty work, then YOU can't tell on them.
2) You are easier to control, with threats of telling what you did to your sister and/or doing even worse to you.
3) Once you were 'complicit' and compliant, they could get you to do anything. At that point hope was dead in your heart. Life was what it was. That was part of life.

THEY are the monsters to even give themselves permission to think the things that happened to you. They are bigger monsters to carry it out. They are even bigger monsters to cook up a plan to turn a child into their tool. And worse monsters for craving more and more, thus bringing your sister into this. THEY brought you into this. THEY brought your sister into this. THEY are the monsters.

YOU were the victim and are now the survivor. Even while these things happened with your sister, YOU AND SHE were still victims. BOTH of you.

You don't have to make up for any fault in your character. Your survival depended on you doing things that you would NEVER do through your own will. That is not a character flaw. That is survival instinct and desperation to be spared any more or any worse than you'd already survived.

Would you condemn me if you found out that I harbored hatred in my heart for my severely autistic sister? Or for my step-sister? What if I told you that my father, at some level, blames ME for breaking up the family because as an infant I needed my mother's attention and that wasn't possible with that sister in the house? And that I grew up believing that it was MY FAULT she had to be institutionalized? Or, if I told you that my father chose my step-sister and rejected me by not allowing me to move with him and his 'new family', giving HER the presence of a strong father figure during HER teen years, but depriving me that same father during those same years? Now, does it make some sense? I was a child, I felt as a child. I don't hate either woman anymore. I've grown up and realized that they were no more in control of the outcome than I was. My severely autistic sister couldn't help that condition of her birth or that I was born a year later. My step-sister couldn't help that her mother married my father and he said no to me.

Does that childhood hatred mean I'm a monster? OR evil? OR a psychopath? No. It means I was a hurt child being sent bad messages by a primary adult in my life. The adult in those situations has to bear some responsibility for his or her actions/failures to act.

This is already a wall of words, I know, but I want to tell you a story that I think will be relevant. It has a good outcome.

A boy of about 6 was molested by someone outside the home. The parents found out. Mom wanted to get him therapy. Dad thought it would look bad and decided NO. The boy got no therapy. He loved his little sister and enjoyed spending time with her. About three years after he was abused, when his sister was about 6, he molested her. Why? No adult made him do that! A friend of mine happened to babysit the children one night and caught the boy molesting his sister. She was stunned! She called the parents off of their date and told them what she'd seen.

The father was angry at the boy. The mother defended the child saying: 'We never got him the therapy he needed. We never talked to him about it. He was never told that this was a bad thing that happened to him and that we loved him and wanted it to stop - which is why we changed where he had been at the time'. (Paraphrased for anonymity and for what took several conversations (fights between the parents) to get said).

The father never could accept his part in the actions of his son, hating the son  - I think for his own failures.

The mother divorced the father, got both children into therapy and finished raising the children with the love she'd had for them the whole time. Both children turned into responsible, capable adults. They grew up to love one another.

The sister never did blame her brother for what he'd done. He had a faulty compass, so of course he went down the wrong path. As soon as his compass was 'recalibrated' with therapy, he knew why it was a bad path and never trod down that path again.

My point is that children cannot be held accountable the same way as adults. Their minds are not yet developed. They MUST believe the grownups around them, regardless of the harm in doing so. Because, without those grownups, they could not survive at all. YOU could not be held liable for what happened to you or for what you did. You were acting on orders or on a groomed lifestyle you'd been taught by abusive adults.

Please know that I am mentally wrapping you and your inner child in a huge hug. It will go on as long as is needed for you to feel the love and acceptance and validation and warmth and release from guilt. If you want to invite your sister into this hug, she is welcome as well. Listen as I whisper in your ear these words: I love you. Unconditionally. There is nothing you can do to break this love I have for you. There is no wrong you can commit that will take my love from you. Yes, I may be angry from time to time at things you have done. Yes, I may be hurt by words you speak. That anger and that hurt will not lower my strong, abiding love for you. Not even a little bit. Because I love you unconditionally.

I make sure to tell my son this at least once a month. Whenever I see him acting out and realize that he's feeling lost or rejected or bullied at school. When he's done wrong things or spoken hurtfully or carelessly around me, I say it again.

Every child should hear this from someone who MEANS it. YOU deserve to hear this. It is true. I have room in my heart for you and for your inner child. You are both welcome there.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2 you are so kind. I am pretty well in tears from your kindness and caring. Me and my inner child may stay in that comfort for a while until it is safe again. I am not often given comfort in my life, and it is hard to give to myself sometimes. I don't know what to do with all the kindness and understanding but I am in awe.

Thank you for not seeing me as a monster, for bringing my adult self and inner child more validation. For so expansively offering your wisdom so I could feel better. (If I knew how to put in quotes I would but I can't figure out how to close them) Your wall of words is exactly what I need and I may just keep reading it today.

I am glad to hear forgiveness put that way. I have done both of those things for so long. like 10 years of my life kind of long. I had this realization adn guilt and change when I was 13. I am now 23... I have torture myself for a long time with it.. It is hard to forgive myself. I know how everythign hurts me, and as you kind of mentions things were yes much worse for me. They treated me more poorly. As far as I know what I described are the only thigns my sister was put t hrough, and thankfully she doesn't remember.

I fear for the day that she does... if she ever does. I would hope it would go like you described. If it was reversed it would definitely go like that. I have a hard time seeing it with the way it really is. I think maybe because I haven't forgiven myself. I have tried, and mostly I am better than I was. I can logically spout everything you said about me being a child. My subconcious, being and set of beliefs doesn't though. my logic means nothign if my heart can't find it in me. If I know how much it hurts and envisions what it would put her through to remember.

The reasons you see for them doing this make comeplete sense. They both threatened to hurt my sister almost the whole time I was abused. They used my protective instincts to silence me. I believed my only purpose in life was to save otehr people. So where I feel like I failed well you have seen some of how painful it is.. you have read some of my inner self talk I allowed myself to put here.

I would never condemn you for any of that with your sisters. It would never occur to me to even be angry or questioning of that at all. You make a good point with that and the story. Thank you again for the wall of words. Your kindness is beyond anything I expected to get. I don't yet fully believe I deserve such kindness. It is warming and amazing. I will stay in it for a while. The visual helps me some. I need kindness that was never afforded to me.. not by other people or myself. I am young so maybe I will come to know more of it and believe I deserve it. I want to. Maybe one day I can fully believe that it isn't a character flaw as you pointed out. Maybe I will feel deserving of such kindness.

Thank you. That is quite possibly the  best reaction I have ever received to that truth and to the way I treat myself because of it. Going to stay curled in that warmth with my inner child for a while. 

[Wife#2]

  Stay as long as you like. You are welcome here. You are in my heart, you know. I seriously meant that I love you. I'm strong, I can support you in this hug for as long as you need. 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you do seriously mean that. It is good to feel loved and to have a place. I don't tear up often but I am. You are so kind and caring. Thank you for opening up and helping me, for giving me a space in  your heart and using some of your strength to help support me. It means the world to me. I'm not very used to the love and kindness if that wasn't already utterly obvious.

I do love you as well, and there is a space in my heart if you were to ever need it. Right now I am just glad allow myself to take  comfort in your words and love. You barely know me but are so much more kind and caring than most people have been in my life.

[Wife#2]

Elphanigh, we are sisters under the skin, part of the human family. We were built for love and compassion and kindness. Through no fault of our own, we have been yanked off of the path that leads us to healthy, adult love and compassion. Hearing your story compels the mother in me to reach out and welcome you. To show you that you, too, deserve unconditional love and compassion. So, keep staying within this hug. It's all yours.

[Elphanigh]

I like that way of looking at it, Wife#2. I am grateful for you welcoming me in. I will stay within the hug, it is perfect. Helping me make it through work right now. My job is very stressful this time of year so this is truly a help for my day, and probably for a few days as I kind of recover from all of this to be able to look back on.  My story is a very extensive and hurtful one. I got a lot of different types of abuse from a lot of places in my life. I thank you for having compassion and not just running from it.

[Dee]

I didn't read all the replies, this is triggering for me.  I can't talk or write about this, but, I understand sexual reactivity.  Please don't think you are alone.  I tell myself I am evil.  Then, I try to tell myself a child 6-12 cannot be evil.  They are only trying to process the evil that touched them.