FOO letters - not to send

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry for your experience and the child that didn't get to be a child or develop in a healthy way because of your FOO's selfishness.

Phoebes, when I first read this part I thought "but I did get to be a child" because I wasn't one of those children who looked after a whole troupe of younger sibs and who had to do all the housework and care for alcoholic parents and go out to work at 14 years to put food on the table. Now while I write that list, I'm reminded of a response I got once on OOTF about parents (like mine) comparing themselves to parents in a completely different social strata or with quite simply different problems. I'm still down-playing what was done to me using the words and thoughts of my parents and grandparents and to some degree my brothers.

Phoebes, through your comment I get to understand there are more ways to be a child than just playing. I was able to play but there was an awful lot I missed out on otherwise that is part of being a child, like being safe enough in my emotional surroundings to develop.

[Blueberry]

Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.

So I wrote a response yesterday and sent it. Now I'm going to write what I would have liked to have written:

Hello F,

I'm so angry that you keep trying to get more information out of me. Why can't you just leave me alone??! I responded to make sure you didn't attempt to phone me 'out of worry' or try to get information about me out of friends of mine, or out of the husband of a friend of mine. I don't want that!

If you really cared about me, you'd accept my limit and you'd remember that I don't want phone calls for the foreseeable future! How hard is that to understand?? Yes, you're forgetful but surely somebody could remind you, like M? She's not forgetful. I'm so angry! There's always some reason for you FOO lot to go against my limits. There's always some reason I'm meant to put up with it. There always has been some reason or other. I'm done with it.

My bad dreams last night tell me there's no way I should be increasing contact with you. In fact they tell me that that one carefully worded email was actually too much for me. 

________________________________________________

I write and write these letters to FOO, on here, and carefully-worded ones in the real, and it doesn't seem to make much difference. I presume I need to make a more obvious split, i.e.  go NC, though I won't do so before discussing with my T.

[Three Roses]

  Hard stuff, for sure.

Idk what kind of music you like, but I posted a link yesterday to a song that I like, about this very thing. I'll re-post partial lyrics here, hopefully they will give you as much strength as they give me.

"The Last Goodbye"

I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't live by your side with the lies you've tried to instill
I can't take anymore, I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
Cause this is my last goodbye

It's like I hardly know you
But maybe I never did
It's like every emotion you showed me, you kept well hid
And every true word that you ever spoke, was really deceiving
Now I'm leaving this time
Cause this is my last goodbye

Oh I, I've got to turn and walk away
I don't have anything left to say
I haven't already said before
And I've grown tired of being used
And I'm sick and tired of being accused
Now I'm walking away from you
And I'm not coming back

And I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't take anymore, I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
This is my last goodbye
My last goodbye

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R, those are pretty apt lyrics!

[Blueberry]

Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.

So I wrote a response yesterday and sent it. Now I'm going to write what I would have liked to have written:

Hello F,

I'm so angry that you keep trying to get more information out of me. Why can't you just leave me alone??! I responded to make sure you didn't attempt to phone me 'out of worry' or try to get information about me out of friends of mine, or out of the husband of a friend of mine. I don't want that!

If you really cared about me, you'd accept my limit and you'd remember that I don't want phone calls for the foreseeable future! How hard is that to understand?? Yes, you're forgetful but surely somebody could remind you, like M? She's not forgetful. I'm so angry! There's always some reason for you FOO lot to go against my limits. There's always some reason I'm meant to put up with it. There always has been some reason or other. I'm done with it.

My bad dreams last night tell me there's no way I should be increasing contact with you.

Most of that is ditto.

Except enF apparently did understand in some way that I don't want phone calls so instead he phoned the friend I mentioned above   but he didn't leave a message. His phone number was displayed though and because of his international code it was easy to recognise. She phoned me to see what she should do and because she's met him and like most people falls for his 'nice guy, poor me' approach has trouble accepting my 'hard' statements based on Grey Rock / Medium Chill and not giving him what he wants necessarily. Designed to not encourage hoovering. She wants to say something polite and friendly whereby she unfortunately undermines the limits I set him. Which I have told her. Man, this is so hard. Juggling friendships around FOO stuff.

I have already told him he is not allowed to phone her unless a) there is a real family emergency (e.g. death) and b) he can't get hold of me otherwise. This wasn't the case. There was no email I didn't reply to and he didn't attempt to phone me. He is allowed to phone if there is a real family emergency (e.g. death or somebody close to that). He is trying to get the information he doesn't get out of my Medium Chill / Grey Rock emails.

When I think or write about the situation I feel but a lot of the time I just don't think about it, I've been getting on with other things instead. This is progress. I'm not giving him head space. No free rent in my head.

I remember this friend was critical of an ex-partner of her brother's who bad-mouthed him to their mutual friends when they separated. My friend was implying that that was rather childish. But what if abuse is mixed in? I'm at a loss for words again. I don't think my friend would take well to my saying: choose between me and him. Her husband would take it even less well. He'd probably choose enF. Well, I don't put a lot of store in my contact with her H anyway. If I ask him how his Little Furries are, he explains in huge detail and never asks about how my Little Furries are, not even when I had my own all the time. I just ask to humour him, not expecting him to care. Anyway I don't have a solution for this friendship question atm, but it'll probably come.

I'm just adding for myself that there's information on last time enF phoned this friend of mine here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8150.msg75544#msg75544

[Three Roses]

I'm  for you! Grr.

[Tee]

Hugs :hug:I hate being forced to interact with my Foo. They talk to my H trying to get more info about me. It's hard cause my H doesn't 100% understand the situation.

[Heart]

Blueberry your bravery to stand up for yourself and to leave hurtful people behind you are such a strengthening comfort.
Your words to F " I mourn you even though you're not dead"... My heart feels the fist squeezing it. But as well the resolve to save yourself for the people who are there for you.  And for you!!
This sentence struck a nerve for me. And I will have the strength to write my letter bcz of your brave example. Hope you will find peace of mind and a new family made by friends. A soft 

[brightlight]

Blueberry, you brought me here through your kind words and encouragement 

I am sorry for your pain.

I hear you. It is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for commenting and validating, brightlight 

[Blueberry]

Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 07:06:00 PM
    I am sick of the treatment of me in our family!! Sick of it. I have had enough! I heard rounds of: "you have to learn to put up with other people". I don't actually. Especially not people who treat me the way you do and don't see anything wrong with this.

The "you have to put up with..." is what you said about me and SIL2. You said she's not going to change, implying that I have to. I'm doing so. Just not quite the way you were or are expecting. You've lost me. I have a FOO in name only. The reverse applies: you have a sister in name only. The little ones have an aunt in name only. M and F have a daughter in name only. You all made your decision. I'm hanging on for the money.
Blueberry


Sigh. Another email from F a) spitting with rage about computer technology and b) suggesting I email him and M about a good time to phone then they will phone me. They seem to assume I can't manage the phone bill. That's not the problem.

I know I wrote it on here somewhere but can't find where now - The only way for me to allow FOO contact other than emails would be if I refused to acknowledge to myself that verbal, psychological, emotional, physical and sexual abuse took place. I'm no longer willing to deny all of that.

I'm not even sure if I'm going to inherit at all. I'm sticking to my boundaries with FOO anyway.

The good thing, the progress, is that emails like F's used to really throw me for a loop. It's not so bad now. I'm not beside myself with anger, not really triggered. Just, well - sigh.

[Blueberry]

I replied yesterday. Partially thinking I'd better get on with it before F tries via friends of mine, or something else I don't want. I don't like that I feel pressure because of his past actions. Still the pressure is fairly small and I did wait over a week.    This morning I simply didn't get up though. It could be connected. Or maybe there are other reasons.

[Blueberry]

Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.

So I wrote a response yesterday and sent it. Now I'm going to write what I would have liked to have written:

Hello F,

I'm so angry that you keep trying to get more information out of me. Why can't you just leave me alone??! I responded to make sure you didn't attempt to phone me 'out of worry' or try to get information about me out of friends of mine, or out of the husband of a friend of mine. I don't want that!

If you really cared about me, you'd accept my limit and you'd remember that I don't want phone calls for the foreseeable future! How hard is that to understand?? Yes, you're forgetful but surely somebody could remind you, like M? She's not forgetful. I'm so angry! There's always some reason for you FOO lot to go against my limits. There's always some reason I'm meant to put up with it. There always has been some reason or other. I'm done with it.

My bad dreams last night tell me there's no way I should be increasing contact with you.

Most of that is ditto.

Except enF apparently did understand in some way that I don't want phone calls so instead he phoned the friend I mentioned above   but he didn't leave a message. His phone number was displayed though and because of his international code it was easy to recognise. She phoned me to see what she should do and because she's met him and like most people falls for his 'nice guy, poor me' approach has trouble accepting my 'hard' statements based on Grey Rock / Medium Chill and not giving him what he wants necessarily. Designed to not encourage hoovering. She wants to say something polite and friendly whereby she unfortunately undermines the limits I set him. Which I have told her. Man, this is so hard. Juggling friendships around FOO stuff.

I have already told him he is not allowed to phone her unless a) there is a real family emergency (e.g. death) and b) he can't get hold of me otherwise. This wasn't the case. There was no email I didn't reply to and he didn't attempt to phone me. He is allowed to phone if there is a real family emergency (e.g. death or somebody close to that). He is trying to get the information he doesn't get out of my Medium Chill / Grey Rock emails.

When I think or write about the situation I feel but a lot of the time I just don't think about it, I've been getting on with other things instead. This is progress. I'm not giving him head space. No free rent in my head.

I remember this friend was critical of an ex-partner of her brother's who bad-mouthed him to their mutual friends when they separated. My friend was implying that that was rather childish. But what if abuse is mixed in? I'm at a loss for words again. I don't think my friend would take well to my saying: choose between me and him. Her husband would take it even less well. He'd probably choose enF. Well, I don't put a lot of store in my contact with her H anyway. If I ask him how his Little Furries are, he explains in huge detail and never asks about how my Little Furries are, not even when I had my own all the time. I just ask to humour him, not expecting him to care. Anyway I don't have a solution for this friendship question atm, but it'll probably come.

I'm just adding for myself that there's information on last time enF phoned this friend of mine here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8150.msg75544#msg75544

It's an ongoing saga and it's definitely time I did something about it.

[Blueberry]

This is the beginning of an email I was seriously considering sending my parents a few hours ago.
" I know you phoned friend S. on the weekend despite me having given you her name, address and phone number as an emergency contact in case I cannot be contacted by any other means. That was NOT the case on the weekend. You did not even attempt to ask me if I had moved. This is actually information I would send around the family pretty much immediately. However, if you feel uncertain of that (or anything else) your recourse is to email ME. You may not get the answer you want and you may not get it as soon as you want, but you will get one. You note I wrote on date xyz that I was replying at the pace I can manage. That still holds true. My godson, a CHILD, accepts uncomplainingly that his presents are usually late. I sent his Christmas present on Monday, he received it yesterday.

I will now respond to the remarks in your email from pqr date, although in doing so I am going against my better judgement.

There are many things in our family which make me sad too. One is that I have explained several times why I have reduced contact. Neither of you really listen unfortunately. It's possible that you don't have the ability to listen and to comprehend. This does not mean that my verbal expression is defective. It means, sadly, that you are unlikely to ever understand and that you are likely to continue to use the methods you do to deflect. I have NOT reduced contact to hurt you. I am doing it to protect myself. I also find it very sad that I need to protect myself from my own nuclear family, but I do. You know, SIL1 was the ONLY ADULT in the family who asked me if there was not any way that I could stay on after Horrendous Event no.2. None of my adult blood relations did. I presume you thought I'd go back to my country of residence and everything would continue as normal. "

_____________________________
Took what seemed like hours to write. Then I gave up. Partially I would like to send something like that, maybe as a way of finally putting me out of the misery of my uncertainty. And also to finally have my say. NTS: don't do it. Remember the wise words of GP - "it seems you got a little bit too close to the nuclear reactor". I've been advised on here before not to say these types of things to FOO because I'll just get hurt. It's true too, I will. Because that's what happened in the past. FOO hasn't changed, ergo... I'm hurt enough atm thru the actions of a friend. I don't want to add any more instability to the mix.

What I do notice is that what I attempted to write is somewhat more self-protective than my early non-sender letters on here. So progress.

[Blueberry]

To M and F,

I mentioned in my previous email that I have some major and unavoidable expenses coming up in the next 1-2 years. You haven't responded so it seems you're not interested, but just in case you were, these expenses are coming NOW unexpectedly early. So if you actually do care about me as you profess to, it would be a really good time to respond to those questions I sent you and to start sending money again. Also to send the lump sum. I don't need to invest it, I will be living off it.

My impression is unfortunately that you don't really care. After all, you, M, mentioned you're putting money aside for grandchildren's university fees. What the actual...? That's more important to you than me having a roof over my head??

If you EVER want any form of contact with me again then it is high time you responded to this email and the previous one (which I also printed out and sent as a letter). You also need to treat me better e.g. by treating me equal to B1 and B2. That includes notifying me directly of important matters rather than via B1 and/or B2 because it's 'too much bother'. 

If you do not at least acknowledge receipt of this email and my email from ... by Nov. 15th and respond to them both by Nov. 30th, then that's it. I'm cutting off contact with you both and unlike previous times, I won't be going back on my decision. I don't want any contact with people who treat me as badly as you do. None at all. To recap: if you want to retain me as a daughter in more than name only, then you'd better act fast.

I will inform B1 and B2.