FOO letters - not to send

[Blueberry]

 
    Note:  I appreciate comments, or even just a mark of sorts, to show you read my latest non-sender FOO letter. It's important to me to have witnesses. A few of you on here were helping me not send letters to FOO in about April-May 2017, and someone asked if I'd be posting on here when I write those letters, as non-senders. As of Sept. I've started writing again, adding on to the bottom of this thread. It's been cathartic and healing already. 
Blueberry   

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Dear M and F,

Thanks so much for teaching me not to set limits, any limits at all. No limits to women, no limits to men. Thanks for the sexual abuse. Thanks for blaming me for not entering into romantic relationships. Thanks for not seeing the connections between not being allowed to set limits and not entering romantic relationships. Thanks for making fun of me for avoiding rom.relationships like the plague. Thanks for teaching me not to trust my judgement at all. It makes functioning in the working world super easy, NOT. Thanks for allowing B1 to beat me up. Thanks for not believing me. Thanks for calling me a liar perpetually. Thanks for not protecting me. Thanks for telling me I was a useless burden. Thanks for continually telling me I was stupid. Thanks for making fun of the way I moved, the way I looked, the way I dressed, the way I ran, the way I stood, the way I laughed. Thanks for making fun of my very existence, right down into the core of my being. Thanks for leaping in to correct me and all my ways of expressing myself before I even had time to reflect on them myself. Thanks for criticising me for being self-conscious. Thanks for not noticing how I got so self-conscious.
Thanks for teaching me that making a mistake is life-threatening. Thanks for being so unpredictable. Thanks for disallowing emotions, except your own. Thanks for not hugging me. Thanks for using me to your own ends.  Thanks for not forgiving, not even normal childhood misdemeanours. Thanks for telling me how fat I was (though I wasn't). Thanks for setting me up to believe that my muscles were fatty tissue. Thanks for blaming me for being favoured by a geographically very distant relative, especially since it wasn't even true. Thanks for taking up the issue with me as a child rather than with the adult relative. Thanks for leaving me to lie cold in bed at night and threatening to punish me when I tried to rectify the situation. Thanks for putting B1's feelings above mine, always.

[Lingurine]

Blueberry 

I'm so sorry for all this.

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Thank you here too, Lingurine.

The bad thing about my post is that I can list all this stuff but only in a kind of sarcastic way because I am of course not grateful. I would not want to thank anybody for doing any of these things to me, never mind the whole lot, but the only way I can list it as yet is as 'thanks'.

The good thing I've just realised is that I can list these things at all. I used not to be able to, I'd just blank continually, couldn't finish the sentences. Or if conceivably I didn't blank so much, I could only write by doing my semi-automatic self-harming as described over in the appropriate thread. It was so automatic that I wouldn't notice I'd stopped writing.

So having realised that, then a further step would be being able to feel anger and express that in writing instead of sarcastic thanks. At the moment it's good I managed to write at all. The anger will come when I'm ready.

I don't really feel that it's good, it's just a cognitive thing, but I'm going to give myself  at least. And  even though it's hard to feel I deserve a cheer and I feel embarrassed. But that's why it's so important to give myself one!

[Lingurine]

Blueberry, you did nothing wrong, they did and that's so very important to remember I think. Sarcasm is IMO a healthy way to give words to your emotions. It is okay the way you did this. You are okay.

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Thank you Lingurine! It's 3 months later and I can finally believe you, that the way I wrote my post was OK and that I am OK too.

[Blueberry]

Reading around the forum again to avoid writing what I came on to computer to write. I guess I need the reading around between writing in my Journal and here. To gather good energy and the feeling that you're all there, understanding me, while FOO doesn't.

Dear F,

Yes, I'm sad too. Sad that my reasons for very little communication are incomprehensible to you. I've explained as much as I could in the past. I can't explain more and I won't. Because it gets thrown back at me in some form or other.

I'm so sad that when I'm alone with you we can have quite a good time together, e.g. good conversations but that was before the last Horrendous Event. I'm sorry that the only adult member of FOO who wished there was some way I could stay on was an SIL. The rest of you were either easy on me leaving or positively helping me go. While I did appreciate you driving me a small part of my long journey home, I'd have appreciated it even more if there'd have been someone among my blood relations asking me if there wasn't some way I could stay. That would have involved somebody helping me stand up to the other SIL as I think everybody actually knew. You blew it, you threw it away, you nailed your own coffin shut. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I'm wise to your tricks too. I know you're sending Flying Monkeys. I know that when you say "I" you really mean "we". You're asking me partially to save M from pain, maybe even to avoid problems in your marriage. Yes, if you want me back, you'd have to look at your marriage, and my siblings would both have to look at their roles in the family, change their ways of dealing with M, so that the other SIL doesn't scapegoat me because she's not 'permitted' to say and do to M what she'd really like to. But she is to me. Yes, this SIL knows no one will protect me or even stand with me. It's pretty obvious really. And I'm not strong enough to take you all on at once. I decided some time after Horrendous Event that my state of health is more important to me than contact with any of you. There is no safe place for me within our family.

It's hard for me to write in case anybody in FOO reads this but I'm really really sad that I'll probably never see you again, F. I'm mourning the loss of you before you've even died because I know you'll never change. I know nothing in our FOO will ever change to allow me to be a part of it on my own terms. As an adult who can even ask for what I want. And who's not blamed for "everything going wrong". Things might not have got so far as the Horrendous Event if I'd felt able to ask for what I wanted: accommodation on my own. But I couldn't because I couldn't bear thinking about M's haranguing and postulating about the inconvenience of me being somewhere on my own without a car or a mobile phone.  I know in the distant past you told me I have to learn to put up with those kinds of comments. Why?? Why can't and shouldn't M have to learn not to spew her anger and rage over who knows what onto me? I say "who knows what" because it's not really about the lack of a driving license or a mobile phone.

While we're about it, the lack of both have an awful lot to do with my upbringing, the emotional abuse that I can't even tell you about because you'd deny and not understand and wonder why neither of my siblings have these troubles. I know because that's what you've done in the past.

Anyway, I know why M doesn't have to learn to keep her comments to herself. But it's way too difficult to explain to somebody who can't look at the complexities of a dysfunctional family or even see that this is what we're dealing with here. Not only is it too difficult, but it's just not worth it. It won't change anything, it won't give me anything, except possibly remarks I've heard often enough, like I "have to get over this".

At or after the Horrendous Event you undoubtedly thought things would continue as always. Right at Horrendous Event I couldn't think straight enough to know they wouldn't either. I was putting all my powers into staying upright, into not dissociating, into not ending up in a trauma ward, into being able to function long enough to get home in one piece.

But pretty soon after I knew. That was it. All of you adults except the one SIL went one step too far. That was the one event too many. I'm really, really sad. And I'm saddest about you, but I'm not going back on my decision to protect myself. As my T surmised, I do love you and I know that there's a measure of that coming from you to me too but my loving you is really difficult for me. It always has been. The only way as an adult is to give part of myself up and I'm no longer willing to do that. I'm crying now. As a child giving part of myself up in order to feel your love and protection, such as it was, was necessary for my survival.  But it isn't any more. In my childhood and lots later too I needed to feel and believe that at least one parent was there for me. If I'd rejected you, I would have lost paternal GrM too. That would have been unthinkable.

Sadly,
Blueberry

[Three Roses]

I wasn't sure, after reading this this morning, if you wanted replies since this was a letter to FOO. But then I saw your newer post saying you'd appreciate comments, so here I am.

You are strong and brave to examine your emotions around your F and your whole FOO in general. Braver still to face them by putting them down in writing. It takes a chunk out of you, doesn't it? But every time you recognize that they are at least part - if not all - of the problem, the truth that it's not your fault sinks in a little deeper. Bravo, Blueberry! Job well done.

[Sceal]

There is so much sadness and anger here, it's good that you're able to put it into words. Even if it is "just"here on the forum.
Your desicion that this was the Last Straw, and that your health comes first is an incredible brave desicion to make. I hope when the sadness gives way a little that you can feel proud of yourself. If not, allow me to be proud of you.
 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much, 3Roses and Sceal! Since F himself will never read this, it's important for me that other people do, and it's healing when somebody cares to leave a comment.

I heard a long time ago that we need witnesses to our pain, fear, anger... in order to heal. Somebody who hears now even if nobody heard then. Group therapy can be a good place for witnesses but so far that hasn't been enough for me. Anyway, the stuff in the letter to F contains new realizations and especially a new level of pain and sadness. I haven't been in any kind of group healing retreat for a year.

Although I talked about the feeling re: F in last therapy session and cried (which is unusual for me), it was an additional step  to write it out here. Written makes it more concrete, in my native language it goes deeper than in my therapist's language too. That makes a difference. I cried again while writing the letter. As I say that's unusual, it's hard for me to reach my tears, but I did and I know that's healing.

Thank you for feeling proud of me, Sceal      I'm not that far along yet that I can feel pride, but at least I don't feel shame. That is huge!  What I do feel in addition is relief. I have a bit more energy again, I'm looking after myself better, I have more motivation to do things I think I ought to or even things I want to. My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. He's right, I've been observing that through my body language and breathing patterns etc. over the past year.

You're right 3Roses, the more I recognise FOO's part in all this, the more I see of the truth that it's not my fault. I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It's good to write that out!

I'll give myself a few           My favourites!

[Sceal]

Thank you so much, 3Roses and Sceal! Since F himself will never read this, it's important for me that other people do, and it's healing when somebody cares to leave a comment.

I heard a long time ago that we need witnesses to our pain, fear, anger... in order to heal. Somebody who hears now even if nobody heard then. Group therapy can be a good place for witnesses but so far that hasn't been enough for me. Anyway, the stuff in the letter to F contains new realizations and especially a new level of pain and sadness. I haven't been in any kind of group healing retreat for a year.

I can relate to the feeling that it's healing when someone notices your pain, and leaves a comment. I've been thinking about this, with witnesses. Well, sort of anyway. More on the fact that keeping everything locked up, and hidden deep down inside as dark, dark secrets has created nothing more than poison for our minds and bodies. And that by writing here, braving to put words, and sharing some of it, it's like forcing the poison out of me. For for the poison to really leave, the witnesses are in order. I haven't quite figured out that bit yet, but it seems quite important.

Although I talked about the feeling re: F in last therapy session and cried (which is unusual for me), it was an additional step  to write it out here. Written makes it more concrete, in my native language it goes deeper than in my therapist's language too. That makes a difference. I cried again while writing the letter. As I say that's unusual, it's hard for me to reach my tears, but I did and I know that's healing.

Thank you for feeling proud of me, Sceal      I'm not that far along yet that I can feel pride, but at least I don't feel shame. That is huge!  What I do feel in addition is relief. I have a bit more energy again, I'm looking after myself better, I have more motivation to do things I think I ought to or even things I want to. My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. He's right, I've been observing that through my body language and breathing patterns etc. over the past year.

You're right 3Roses, the more I recognise FOO's part in all this, the more I see of the truth that it's not my fault. I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It's good to write that out!

I'll give myself a few           My favourites!

I think some things, the things that sit so deep inside, and hurt us so much, requires a lot more talking than just one session with a T. So there's no wonder that writing it out makes a difference. I don't dare to write in my native language, as you say, that sits even deeper. It carries more meaning in a way. Brave of you to do so! Truly!
I can understand it's hard to feel pride of onesself. But it is really good to hear you do not carry the shame. That is indeed huge!

[rbswan]

Blueberry:

Thank you for posting your letter.  I relate.  I have some of this work to do myself and it helps so much to see this brave work. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for commenting, rbswan. As I wrote, having witnesses, feeling seen and heard are so important to me and my healing.

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Another letter

Dear F,
I do appreciate the photo of little niece. But how to tell you without that encouraging you to do more  because that's partly what you're doing. Maybe unconsciously. I don't know. Or partly unconsciously. Probably you're thinking it's nice for me to have a photo of niece, it is. But the fact that I don't otherwise have contact with her and don't usually get photos anymore is just one more symptom of our dysfunctional family. Something that - sad as it is that contact with my niece and god-daughter is going to probably peter out - could only be changed if B2 and SIL2 looked at their contribution to the family dysfunction, and it doesn't sound or look as if they are. *, SIL2 shouldn't even be a part of it. She should have stayed out like SIL1. But she didn't. And she attacked me instead of M, as mentioned in previous letter, because the former is permitted and the latter isn't to the degree that she'd like to do it. So sad as it is that little niece will de-facto lose a godparent and an aunt, it's not my responsibility.

I know in one way or another you'd all like to maneuvre me back into that position. Blueberry, you're causing problems again. Problems in so-and-so's marriage, problems here, problems there. But no, you all have responsibility too. But there I am again beginning to JADE, trying to explain things that none of you are capable of understanding and even if you were, none of you seem willing to take any steps to relieve me of the burden of changing it all. Because those steps would involve you lot making changes. You don't want to. You lot say things like "Oh, weeeeeelllllllll" or "Tough-o" to me. And that's meant to be enough for me to hear??  - that's for you.

I'm taking responsibility for me, for me and my life and my health. Sadly, it's not possible for me to take responsibility for that and retain any form of meaningful contact with you, or with little niece.

Blueberry

[Blueberry]

M,

I hate you! You did so many awful things to me in my childhood, teenage years, continuing on into adulthood. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!!

[Blueberry]

It's good that I wrote that long Unsent Letter to F at the top of this thread because i've just been able to re-read it after reading an email from F, in which he asks if we can have a phone chat sometime soonish.

No, we can't, for all the reasons above.

[Blueberry]

To B2,

And your plan was?? No plan undoubtedly, except that you didn't plan on me hearing that at all. You forgot that B1 would pass it on.

Speechlessly, Blueberry

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I imagine that being VVVLC should mean that the thoughts of FOO should cease to churn around, that I should let them go and fill my head with thoughts of other people and things and places. But today I'm not managing.

Though as I've commented to other people on here, there is no "should" to feelings and therefore no "should" to where I am in my process. So if I'm going through another phase of grieving my lack of a real family (and not just family in name only), then it makes sense that these thoughts are churning around again.