Nosy Coworker

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Perplex

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Nosy Coworker
« on: November 01, 2019, 09:57:55 AM »
I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong category or not worth discussion.
A year ago I changed my real name to something completely different as a way of distancing myself from my family. I have not regret any part of it and it has been incredibly freeing. Thankfully as well my coworkers adjusted to the new name. When they asked why I changed, I reply with "Cause I didn't like it" as a way to avoid spilling on about the association with my name and past trauma.

But every few weeks this coworker in particular asks me "Have you told your parents yet"? This drives me into a shock every time he says it and I become so angry internally - as to even think of doing such a thing would be against the very notion of my name change. The problem is, every time he asks I either mumble myself out of the topic or just say "No" and then leave as to avoid further discussion.

This is really troubling me now and I don't know how to tell him the truth without being vulnerably open to him. I don't want my coworkers to know about my CPTSD or depression, I fear I will be treated differently then. So what do I say? I try to be honest yet closed off at the same time which then... gets me into situations like this.
Even if there is no advice that anyone can give me, it felt good to rant about this at least.

Regards,
Complex.

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Kizzie

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2019, 03:43:08 PM »
Just my opinion but I don't think you need to explain anything to him, but could just tell him you'd rather he not bring it up any more. 

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notalone

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2019, 07:40:30 PM »
Just my opinion but I don't think you need to explain anything to him, but could just tell him you'd rather he not bring it up any more.
:yeahthat: Totally agree.

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Jazzy

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2019, 10:27:30 PM »
+1

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Three Roses

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2019, 02:43:53 AM »
Quote
But every few weeks this coworker in particular asks me "Have you told your parents yet"?... So what do I say? I try to be honest yet closed off at the same time which then... gets me into situations like this.

How about, "No, I'm not going to tell them. They wouldn't understand." or "I feel uncomfortable talking about this with you."
« Last Edit: November 02, 2019, 02:49:06 AM by Three Roses »

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Perplex

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2019, 07:05:09 PM »
Quote
But every few weeks this coworker in particular asks me "Have you told your parents yet"?... So what do I say? I try to be honest yet closed off at the same time which then... gets me into situations like this.

How about, "No, I'm not going to tell them. They wouldn't understand." or "I feel uncomfortable talking about this with you."
Sorry yeah. I realise how obvious the answer to my question must be. Somehow I keep forgetting I can set boundaries. I like your first sentence though, I might use that. I don't want to shrug my coworker off and make him feel like I can't trust him or anything. It's easier to just direct the conversation onto my FOO I suppose.
Thank you all. I will try to gather up some courage.

Regards,
Complex

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Blueberry

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2019, 07:17:41 PM »
Hello Complex,

These kinds of responses are often not at all obvious! It can also take a ton of courage to say them, the way it can take a ton of courage to set boundaries. If you read some of my posts, you'll see many are about me trying to set boundaries. I'm not the only one on here  in that kind of position either.

So go ahead, keep ranting here and/or asking questions. Both help with healing. :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2019, 07:38:57 PM »
not always so obvious to us when we're in the middle of the situation, complex.  i'm glad you brought it up here.  many times, when i write things here and get responses, i can see my situation and how i want to deal w/ it much more clearly.  keep ranting and asking, if that helps.  i think most of us have done that.  i know i have, and the kind caring i've received has been invaluable.  sending love and a hug filled with boundaries to you. :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2019, 09:24:20 PM »
Maybe if we had grown up in healthy families a good response would come naturally, but we (those of us on this site) haven't, so no not obvious. Glad you brought it up.

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Three Roses

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2019, 10:44:09 PM »
Sorry if my response seemed glib, I don't think it's obvious at all. I really had to think about it to come up with a couple of suggestions for you.  🤔 🙄 :disappear:

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Perplex

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Re: Nosy Coworker
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2019, 10:30:23 AM »
Thank you all. I'm happy and sad at the same time that I can relate to you all. I feel a bit more prepared... If and when he asks. It just always stuns me how a person can seem so.. in denial that some families aren't good.
Thanks again, and Three Roses for taking special effort to think about it. :)

Regards,
Perplex.