Hello

[tilthead]

Hey, I'm going to selfish for once and let it out.

I've never heard of C-PTSD until today surfing the web. So i decided to check it out, and a lot of it hit home. I've never been to a therapist or even talk about it much, so yeah it's strange to talk about. I wrote my thoughts down a couple of months ago (without  holding back of coarse), and it was more of a release than I thought it would be.... To my life story in a nut shell.
Both my older brother and I were born in the 70's. Our mom is awesome, but our dad is a F***. Our mom had and has the purest intentions of doing what's best. Awesome lady! But on to why I'm writing this. My brother and I were sexually abused by my father. I can't recall how old I was when I first remember, but it was in the house that we lived in before we moved when I was 5. In some weird way I guess I liked the attention in the beginning, but I became uncomfortable, scared, and it was my fault that this was happening. That's what i was being told anyways. "Why did you get under my underwear son, you can't do that". The last time It happened I was between six or seven . I remember everything, the colors, the smell, where I was laying, the tone of voice, everything and the guilt, but I can't remember if I was six or seven. My mom divorced my dad when I was seven so that was the end of that. But through the years following I suppressed these thoughts, although they had a big impact on my life, I stuffed them. And then I had a child of my own (a boy). Which he's still with me, along with my wife of twelve years, but that's when it started hitting home. I couldn't bath him, change his diaper or sleep in the bed with him without this overwhelming anxiety. I was so scared that I was genetically prone to do the same thing, that I refused to do those things. So that opened up a can of worms. He's ten now and I'm proud to say, it wasn't genetic .. Back to my brother. My brother and I didn't know or talk about it until our father passed (three years back) and we had some family issues with burying him. We both didn't want anything to do with him, not our problem, let the state bury him. We're not signing *... That was the time we realized it happened to both of us. Very subtle and brief, but we both understood. That's when I also realized why my brother was so hard on me. While growing up he belittled me, made me feel stupid, and every decision I made was the worst decision that one could make. He took it out on me. Understandably. Well my brother lived for another year before dying of an overdose. That was hard, and very hard on my mom. Sucks.  He was successful. Successful at achieving his goals and making a living. It was about a year before our father died when I noticed him going down hill.  We've been in the same boat when it comes to drug abuse. We did a lot of drugs here and there but we've maintained keeping up with our responsibilities. Then we got into a fight and we didn't talk for a couple years and it was different when we reconnected, I could see the monster in him that addiction causes. I wish that I could have been there through those years. Maybe things would have changed. Maybe. Another thing that haunts me is that my son was there when he OD'd. We've been reconnected for a couple of years, and I had no idea he was shooting up. Neither did my sister in-law. And another weird thing is that I wasn't mad at all. I understood why he would hide it, and why..Moving on. I've had quite a few anxiety attacks, especially since then, some that last days and some that are short. Long story short about my life. I have a hard time connecting with some people. I just don't know about them. I connect with a hand full of people and the rest i'm just wiry about em. I wish I could let that all go and just act confident, but I get shaky and my thoughts get jumbled. I just straight up act weird. I feel like I'm being judged by the littlest things, and other unanswered feelings. Very unnecessary. I've had it for as long as a can remember. I'm tired of it and I want to think differently, the end.... Thanks for the vent, D

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, tilthead. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I wish he could have made it thru all his pain to come to this point with you. But you are here now, you can be his voice too. If that is what you want.

Yes, I've been told I am weird, different, my whole life. It's no wonder, tho! I no longer take this as a negative, I'm proud that I'm different. It probably saved my life.

We are survivors and we can tell our stories if we want, here. It's not selfish, that is, not in a bad way. Thanks for joining!

[Candid]

Welcome to the forum, tilthead. I'm so sorry about what happened to you and your brother. I hope you realise now that none of it was your fault.

Did your mother know what was going on?