Still in contact with covert narc

[89abc123]

How much healing do you think is possible when you are still in contact with a narcissist.

I love where I live, but it's too close to my family of origin. Every time I see them I take a few weeks to stabilise again. I'm thinking I need to move somewhere slightly further away, but I'm terrified of starting over with no support network.

The back story. Older brother is a covert narc, my parents refuse to see the problem and guilt trip me every time I attempt no contact. My mum also plays go between...any personal info I share with my mum gets relayed to the brother.

My mum wants a happy family, so will lie and downplay things so that no one will leave her.

I'm so trapped and suffocated. I just want to escape but I get made out to be a terrible person.

[Dee]

I've been trying to do just that, say close to my family with too many issues.  I have come to the conclusion that I have to move.  I have to move far enough away it is not a day driver either.  I just spent two months inpatient and the therapist and my outpatient therapist both recommended that I move.  It is just too toxic for me to stay and think I might get better.

[89abc123]

Thanks for your reply Dee.

It's seems like the only solution, even though I really don't want to start over with a new therapist because we've just started touching on my intimacy issues.

I really feel like I was making progress but then the obligatory family functions happen and I really go downhill quickly.

How do you feel about the idea of relocating? I worry that I'll attract more narcs if I'm new to a town.

I think it's really great that your therapists have suggested that you distance yourself. By law in the country I live in, therapists are not allowed to advise to cut contact with people. They run by the belief of 'if you learn to be assertive you can change the family dynamic'. I don't think it works that way with narcissists.

[Dee]

I worry about relocating a lot.  However, my family is going to kill me.  I mean that every disordered behavior I have I can trace the trigger to my family.  I'm afraid I will be lonely in a new place.  I suppose it is better than being lonely and emotionally abused by my family.

Every time I make progress in therapy it is sabotaged by my family.

[89abc123]

Every time I make progress in therapy it is sabotaged by my family.

Exactly. I can relate to this so much! I guess you are right...it's a trade off I suppose. I hate it because Im so happy with where I live and my current therapist.

I hate the idea of starting over again. But I think it's the only solution. The whole family is sick.

[Bee123]

Every time I make progress in therapy it is sabotaged by my family.

Exactly. I can relate to this so much! I guess you are right...it's a trade off I suppose. I hate it because Im so happy with where I live and my current therapist.

I hate the idea of starting over again. But I think it's the only solution. The whole family is sick.

Dee & 89abc123,

I know how you feel. We are on the same boat. Twenty years ago I moved thousands of miles away from the big family. Every year when I travel to see them, I am subjected to the trauma. I can't not go see everybody for there are little nieces and nephews I love so much and do not want to miss their early growing up years.

[songbirdrosa]

I can definitely sympathise with you. I moved 8 hours away from my family and managed to stay away for four years before unfortunate circumstances drove me back to my home town, and I've been going further and further downhill ever since. It's always scary to leave where you are but in cases like ours, I think it's for the best. I made some truly wonderful friends when I moved, and it felt like I'd gotten a lungful of air after someone had been holding my head underwater. It's a big step, but if you can muster up the strength to do it, I'd definitely say it's worth it.

As to therapists, all I can say is to talk to whoever you're seeing now. If you do decide to leave, they can help get you in touch with the right people and put systems in place to make it as easy as possible. Mine has told me that when I'm ready to move away she'll make sure that I get set up with someone who specialises in trauma and knows what they're doing, so I'm sure yours can do the same for you.

Best of luck with everything 

[Babysister]

I put the covert narcissist out of my life when I was 18.  I looked back only once and that was a colossal mistake. For me, she repulses me so much that I could never have contact with her.  However it is with her flying monkeys that I have recently realized I had to go No Contact with as well in order to fully heal and I find that each day brings healing and I have unburdened myself of 1000 lb weight on my chest crushing me.  I have a new spring to my step I feel proud of myself not ashamed and this was only possible through acceptance that the covert narcissist was projecting all of her insecurities onto me deliberately and deliberately abusing me.