Triggered by jury duty! **** Trigger warning - Sexual Abuse ***

[Wife#2]

*Trigger warning - really, folks, I'm highly triggered and don't want to make anyone else's day worse ***




Last warning!




Yesterday was the first day of jury duty. It's generally the boring part where they take your generic personal info (work, occupation, etc) to see if THAT disqualifies you from serving. Then, they ask a few more personal questions (ever in prison for over a year? that kind of thing). That took all morning. So, we didn't even know WHAT case we might have to serve on. Then, just before selecting the jury, they told us about the case.

The man was accused of criminal sexual conduct with a minor under 11 years of age. I recognize the man's face from the news, but can no longer remember any of the details. Because of the nature of the case, they have to ask all jurors (but we don't have to say in open court, we can say quietly with just lawyers and judge present) if anyone has had any sexual abuse committed against them.

Partly to get out of this case (hopefully) and partly to not pretend these things DIDN'T happen to me, I stood and approached the bench. I was near the front, so I didn't see the others standing behind me. Only after I spoke with the lawyers & judge, did I turn around and see a line behind me. I partly cried from my own pain, the pain I saw in the others and the fact that there were so many others. It made me angry, too.

The man was innocent until proven guilty. I was not selected for that jury. I don't know if he won or lost his case. But, I was angry. Angry that there are so many of us with stories to tell. So many of us who have to be brave AGAIN and tell our story AGAIN to judges and lawyers because these things keep happening.

One of the ladies waiting to tell her story held my eye and gave me a tear-filled thank you. As if to say, thank you for standing up, because you did, I could, too. And I was sad again as well.

How dare these people steal our bodies and our hearts and make US pay for their crimes. I'm not speaking of the defendant. I wasn't there, I don't know his story. I'm talking about all the people who did damage to US, causing us to seek refuge and understanding together.

How dare that coworker see that I had a crush on him and think it was ok to hurt me! How dare he make ME feel like the criminal for discussing it with my boss. How dare she try to make little of it because they were friends. How dare any of them think I needed to get over it because if I didn't THEIR lives would be more complicated.

Shame on those who insist the best way to handle this is to sweep it under the rug. Shame on those who tried to excuse his behavior, when at the end of his attack, he made it clear it was not fun, it was an attack.

How dare that boss think he had a right to 'seduce' me, then ensure the continuance of his harassing abuse by threatening my job if I said no or talked to his boss. How DARE he use the fact I needed a job to do that to me. How dare any boss anywhere think it's OK to use an employee for sex?

How dare it be legal for a sexual harasser to 'scorch the earth' by calling all the lawyers and giving his name and THAT ALONE being enough for me to not be able to hire a lawyer to go after this man? HE knew what I did not - that he was committing a crime. By the time I caught up to his awareness, he'd already done the damage to me and to my ability to fight him.

How dare I be put in positions where I have to explain again and again why I flinch when a male supervisor makes any off-color joke or touches a shoulder innocently! How dare I be afraid to socialize with coworkers away from the office, for fear someone will THINK I gave an invitation when I did not.

It is not fair that MY life was limited because of criminals who knew what they were doing. And, it's not fair that, even when they get caught, they get a day in court while we get a life-time sentence.

It's not fair that this society pats the back of the criminal who gets away with it either by intimidating the victim into silence or by 'winning' in court. It's not fair that society still looks at victims as either complicit in the crimes against them (she was dressed provocatively) or as damaged goods to be removed from the mainstream, lest we taint the rest of the crowd.

I'm on a rant, but I'm ANGRY. And sad, and triggered into flashbacks and scared and hurt for all those who were in line behind me yesterday. And for the little girl who was molested - whether by that man or someone else. She was damaged and hurting and deserving of justice on her behalf.

Thank you for listening. My husband didn't want to hear this last night and it's screaming out of my pores in a need to be heard.

[mourningdove]

It isn't fair.