Grieving plus confusing inner child stuff

[Rainydaze]

Firstly, apologies if this is posted in the wrong place. I confuse easily!

My mum died when I was a teenager and I think my C-PTSD was caused by a combination of seeing the horrors of her succumbing to a painful illness and living with my NF, along with general high school bullying which was just the icing on the cake. For the first time I'm seeing just how much pain and stress I was in. I suppose maybe I'm connecting to my inner child, which for a long time has been a concept that I've struggled to understand or approach.

When I went no contact with NF recently I was first of all quite jubilant, then very angry and now I'm sad. I think I've been sad for years though and I'm only just feeling like I'm in a safe enough place to acknowledge it.  Today I found an old bottle of my mum's perfume and the smell brought her memory back to me. I cried and released so much emotion I didn't even realise I had been suppressing until now. I think after she died I was so focused on just surviving that I never had any real opportunity to grieve for her. As a teenager there was no time, privacy or leniency from NF. I was intent on leaving 'home' as soon as I could and studying/work was the only escape. Now I've opened the door to expressing my emotions I want to continue in order to be healthy. My aim is to one day be at peace with my past to the point that I might be able to talk about it matter of factly to other people when the topic of parents comes up without feeling ashamed or panicky.

I'm not sure how to continue grieving or how to connect to my inner child further. I know that Pete Walker suggests that the inner child needs reassurance but I feel like I still am my inner child. Maybe the inner child stuff does just confuse things and really the point is that we can make peace with our past by coming to terms with our present? Possibly I'm just over-thinking it as I often do and the best remedy is to cry when I need to and be nice to myself. What do you guys think, do you manage to grieve effectively for the child that you once were?

[Three Roses]

Hi, first of all I'm sorry that you lost your mom too early.

I may not have the answer you're looking for - in my case, I sense several inner children but I don't feel them clearly, or know how they feel. I don't feel I have grieved effectively for the child I once was; if I've grieved at all it's only scratched the surface.

By all means, feel the full range of your emotions and treat yourself nicely, as if you were your own best friend. Sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for 

[Blackbird]

Hey blues_cruise 

Whenever I'm too overwhelmed with my inner children's emotions, my T tells me to do breathing techniques to come back to the Self. The self is your current state, grown up, curious, compassionate, strong and more. You're not that frightful child anymore, you're just fusing with him/her at the moment, which is okay but can be retraumatizing for you and too painful.

Treat yourself kindly, don't just shove them out of you, ask them to leave politely, and they will.

[Blueberry]

Hey blues_cruise,

I have also sometimes felt like the Inner Child(ren) and Inner Teenagers myself. I have quite a few of them but not what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, so don't worry if more turn up for you too. Concentrating on breathing often either triggers me or makes me very sleepy (dissociated??) so I've been taught to do short bursts of physical activity, like stamping my feet hard or pushing off walls. It's good to have a choice of methods to work with, not everything works for everybody.

I'd never thought of asking mine to leave before! I have handed them over to an imaginary babysitter (an animal - I have next to no people in my imagination work) in the past or told very little ones they could stay in bed and sleep. But I think sometimes in the past I would be too overwhelmed to do any of that at all, so super good idea asking them to go

Some of my inner children used to feel stronger than my Adult self so that was pretty confusing too. e.g. the 4 year old and the 6 year old were the ones who got me out of bed in the morning because they wanted to go outside and play.

[Rainydaze]

Thank you so much for your responses.  I'm looking forward to finding my inner child(ren). I have started talking to her and to be honest when I stop doing it I feel a little silly, as though I'm talking to something that isn't real. Today though I was telling her that we're safe now and imagined giving her a big hug and inviting her to live with me so I could look after her. I felt such warmth doing it, like it was how I should have felt at whatever age the girl was that I was talking to. It's a start I think.

I think I'm getting more of an idea as to what triggers me into feeling lost and childlike. I panic if left alone talking to a figure I feel is 'above' me when at the office. I think this harks back to high school when I had a horrid teacher who intentionally humiliated me in the classroom. I'm probably reliving it. We also have an upcoming election in the UK and without getting into it too much (I'm sure there must be rules about getting too political here!) it's very difficult not to get frustrated by seeing the one-sided propaganda being put forward by the media. I struggle with anything I perceive as injustice which I guess is because I've been so gaslighted by my NF in the past and portrayed as being the crazy one, so it's difficult to witness.

I'm feeling more like 'the self' at the moment though. Currently in bed listening to the rain which is heavenly. There's so much chaos in life, simple things are where it's at. 

[Babysister]

We all are our inner child. But we need to address our adult needs and the needs of the child we were when the pain of abuse occurred be cause she is hurting. We can do this in a number of ways:there is a wonderful book by mark price on connecting with your inner child. It costs 2.99 on amazon and is the best one i have read.
Crying is great both for your adult self and your inner child so don't think too much when expressing anger or crying. But you must nurture yourself with things that make you feel good emotionally. Think back to your favorite foods and cook yourself something. I love spaghetti with my grandma's special sauce and when i'm feeling down i make that for myself.

So really the question is what makes you FEEL fulfilled and better. If it isn't reading a book or watching something an adult would enjoy, it is possible that your emotional self-that part of you that is young-your inner child needs nurturing. What brought you peace as s kid? Did you like funny cartoons or disney movies, climbing on rocks or swimming? Do one of these things and see how you feel-if you feel joyful you will know it was a younger part of yourself that needed tending.

[Three Roses]

I would really like to be able to cry again, & feel anger again.

[Babysister]

When you feel and have compassion for yourself recognizing what was done to you, you will cry. Sometimes it feels the crying will never end. In 2013 i cried so much and deeply and for so long, for months on end.  it was so cleansing. I realised the full weight of what had been done to me as a little girl by an adult a DECADE older and by other ADULTS fooled by the deviant.