Paralysed

[sigiriuk]

Hi Guys
I need some help.

I am frightened, because i feel unable to move - not physically.

Although, I can do selfcare I can't do much else. I avoid doing important tasks, because it feels painful when I attempt them. This has been going on for a couple of years.

Anybody else get this? It's difficult to put into words.

S

[phoenix.rising]

Yes. I get this. Sometimes, I can't move off the couch except to go to work. All I want to do is numb with alcohol and tv. I've learned it happens when some issue has been triggered, and it is time to work on it, but diving into that mess is so big and scary and foggy and painful. Then, I don't want to be in my body. If I don't move, I don't have to deal with it. But then I'm paralyzed and stuck in it, and I don't want to be in it. I want peace and freedom. I want to connect with others on a deep level and give and receive love. So, I start to move through it. For me it feels like it bubbles up. Like a volcano. There is more and more pressure. More of a feeling that I don't want to be in my body. I get restless. Then I cry. Deep, huge soul wracking sobs of old and deep pain. I talk to my therapist. I talk to my friends. I isolate myself. Then I do more crying. Then I start to get memories. Small, unclear, fleeting ones. This all repeats until I finally get clear feelings and some clear memories and then more crying and then peace and relief and a sense of strength and deep love for myself and those around me. This process has happened again and again as the layers have been peeled back. So many layers. Each time feels like the first time, but each time also comes with the experience of the previous times. It's amazing how when I get to the end of a cycle and go "why did I not remember this part of the process?" The part I do remember, and it gets me through every time, is that when this stuff bubbles up and out, it is gone, and is replaced with peace and love and strength. I am coming through on the other side of a really big one right now. I still feel raw, but today is the first day that I want to move, and I don't feel like I'm falling apart.

[David1973]

I truly understand

[sigiriuk]

Thx Guys

[Three Roses]

Yes I also totally get this! You are def not alone. 

[Kizzie]

Me too Slim!     Saying it out loud (or in this case writing about it) can really help so keep on posting 

  to you as well Phoenix. 

[Lingurine]

Me too. I think our body and mind wants to tell us something while froze/paralyzed.
Maybe to just take it easy and not to worry.

Lingurine

[sigiriuk]

So this paralysis is part of the 4Fs. It is an emotional flashback to the "Freeze" response?

[SE7]

Yes, I wrote about this I think under the Symptoms section in Adulthood a week or two ago, about being "Frozen" ... it is my main symptom and has caused me to not be able to work while living under my parents' roof ... I am close to financial destruction again and the other night I asked myself 'what is the real reason why you can't take any action to save yourself?' ... It turns out it wasn't actually the issue of getting a job nearly as much as my emotions over many years of things going wrong for me ... it is like a grief for all the disappointments, pains, sufferings, rejections in life. I sat at my computer the other day and was unable to get anything done and had to just eventually go to sleep. That's when I tried to figure out what is underlying it all. I think I won't be able to break the paralysis unless I'm willing to face these emotions and try to comfort myself. It was all triggered by me losing my home and then my job, and then having nowhere to go except my parents' house -- and they are the 2 narcissists responsible for the original psychological/financial abuse that broke my foundation in the first place. I had panic attacks for 2 months after losing everything, and thought I could trust my dad who seemed nice for a while then verbally lashed out at me in January -- since then I've been unable to do what I need to, and it has really cost me. The good thing is I FINALLY realized that I have CPTSD from all this and that I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse syndrome. It took a lifetime to finally realize where my misery came from so this in itself was an accomplishment despite my "frozen" state the past 6 months. We need to be kind to ourselves because there's an important reason why we are reacting this way.