Religious Abuse from my Mother

[Grace for today]

This is my first post. I have 4 and a half months sober from alcohol.  This is usually my breaking point where I go back to drinking,  but hanging on with everything I'v got.

    I recently went to a treatment facility that diagnosed me with C-PTSD with dissociation.  Anyway I thought I had DID and PTSD so maybe I have a bit more understanding now.

     The abuse I endured growing up was mostly through my mother, although my father went along with some of the worst of it.

     At age 6 I was initiated into Eckancar,  which proved to have a very negative effect on me way into adulthood. I'v had a lot of healing in that area. I'm 52 and have been actively seeking healing for 30 years.

      My mother's mother was raised in a Catholic convent from age 9 to around 17 after her mother died. My mother was raised in a bizarre mixture of religious purity, and physical and sexual abuse.

      My mom raised me in a bizzare mixture of strict brainwashing religious indoctrination in which she had control over me and my personality.  She also allowed sexual abuse in my chilhood.
There were a lot of strange twists to her insane logic. I didn't realize she was in fact mentally ill until I was an adult. She passed away when I was 21.

     Anyway I'm on a waiting list for trauma therapy.  I started trauma therapy in rehab 4 months ago and for the first time in my life connected to my younger self really.  I wish I could feel happy sober, but I feel lost, depressed, alone and lethargic.  Hoping I can stay sober and truly find some healing for my heart.  Hoping it helps to be in this support online, as all the groups I go to like AA and Celebrate Recovery,  I can not make attachments.  I feel very disconnected and unable to be vulnerable and after 30 years of trying to be open and vulnerable in groups like that, I give up! It's exausting.

[Blackbird]

Just wanted to say welcome 

Good luck in beginning trauma therapy, it's always hard but it's worth it.

[Grace for today]

Thank you Blackbird for your encouragement.  I just accidentally erased my post to you. I will get better at this! I'm st ok ll on the waiting list gor therapy. When things get really tough I call the rehab I was in and that usually helps.

I keep getting  involved in support groups like AA and Celebrate Recovery and then disconnect. Well I never connect in AA. I don't feel safe there.  I begin to connect some in Celebrate Recovery and then totally disconnect.  Maybe therapy can help with that.

Thanks again for connecting with me!

[obsidian.shards]

your story sounds very similar to mine. my mother is a fundamentalist Xtian. She talked a lot about being washed clean in the blood, etc. But I could never be clean because of the things that had been done to me. It was a chronic source of fear for me to go to * for my sins when I was only 9 or 10, when I really was just doing what I had to survive. How could I be dirty cuz of what "they" had done to me? Was God going to punish me for being dirty for the choices the adults in my life made. I was molested by my uncle and my mother and father knew it. I am a recovering alcoholic, but I never felt like I was getting better. I still made stupid man choices. I still had flashbacks. I still was depressed. I was still suicidal. I am 48 now and just was diagnosed with CPTSD and bipolar disorder. I feel so relieved. I have been through so much medication to help me. I have gotten divorced. I really thought getting sober would change everything, but it did not. I have stayed sober by the grace of God. That is all I can say. I have long searched for someone else who suffered religious abuse. I think it is like soul rape. Our connection with God is the most sacred and for that to be molested as well is just sickening. Still I cannot express how much I hate my mother.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, obsidian.shards! I'm so glad you're here.