The Problem? - I have good friends - I know, but it's a problem

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I like vanilla

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I have such a strange problem. I have been making progress with my new T (not that new as I started seeing him over 2 years ago). I have been learning to have boundaries, trust my gut, interact with people, etc. As a result, I have started for the first time in my 40+ years of life been developing friendships with good, decent people, who treat me well, know me for who I am and still want to be friends with me (that last part continues to astonish me - ah, something to talk to the T about).

The problem? The situation is freaking me out.  :aaauuugh: I have no idea how to handle friendships. I am also finding that a part of me is certain that making friends will literally kill me. Aside from that, that part of me is trying to really kill me so that I have to enact strategies such as standing very far from the edge of the subway platform (not suicidal but fighting the part of me that wants to kill me for having friends). I have spoken to my T about these issues and he is helping me work through them.

But in the meantime, I have been isolating to the point that my friends worry about me - I do not return phone calls or emails, and worry that I will lose my friends over this behaviour. The problem? They know me, all of me, know what I am going through and understand and are patient. That should not be a problem but their care triggers me more and an incredibly negative positive feedback loop has been created.

ARGH!!! How unfair is that?!? I have worked so hard and my seeming success is becoming my downfall. ARGH!!!

Does it ever end? Will there ever be a time when I can just stop struggling with this? Will every step forward lead to retaliation by my inner demons? I want to have friends, but I am afraid of friendship. ARGH!!!

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Argh!

Re: The Problem? - I have good friends - I know, but it's a problem
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2017, 12:48:47 PM »
Just wanted to say how much I can relate to this and ugh I am so angry at myself for it. I know I've got people worried but even now I'm at work (and I have the best, most supportive coworkers ever) and I have headphones in and have been lately the whole time I'm not working to avoid conversation and have been pushing them out. I have been avoiding Facebook because that's how others get a hold of me and my one friend who is the best friend I've ever had has been texting me asking if I'm okay and I can't bring myself to text her back. I feel awful. Most of them I've told it happens and I'm not trying to be mean or rude but I feel like an awful friend. Friendships don't feel good. :( So this was so unhelpful but it felt good to see someone can relate to what I'm going through.