IC realization (trigger?)

[alovelycreature]

I have been reading Walker's book, and had a realization.

I am always beating myself up about not making artwork. I went to art school, and now I have a "real" job and with adult responsibilities I don't have a lot of time to work on my art, or can't afford it. I always feel like I'm making up excuses. I think this is because I am afraid that my artwork will be bad.

I had some success in the art world. This success was the only time I think I felt that I was truly accepted for who I am. That I felt broken, and that was okay. That terrible things happened and they changed who I am, and others found beauty and curiosity. It was the only time I really didn't feel judged, or put down. Even though at this time, my M was telling my family if they liked my artwork they must be incestuous (there are a lot of nudes of myself in my work). It was like her poison words couldn't touch all the compassion I was receiving from others.

I think I haven't been making artwork because I fear rejection. I fear that the attention I might not get stops me. I feel like this sounds a bit narcissistic. I know I have thought this before and have thought, "You should just be doing this for yourself, not others." However, I realized I wanted this attention because I want someone to just nonjudgmentally accept me for who I am.

I think this has also stopped me from seeing people who are close to me do accept me for who I am. I think: "hey can't really like me. They have just known me for so long that they feel they have to be my partner/friend/whatever." I didn't realize how fear of rejection is really running my life and I'm the co-pilot just letting things run on auto control.

I'm sure I'll learn more in the Walker book, but anyone have any suggestions on working through this? Or their experience with it?

[Rain]

That stinks what you've gone through, Lovely.

It is all inner critic .... tons of negative, gross messages from childhood repetition ... otherwise known as Lies.   There are a lot of great posts on shrinking the inner critic, so I won't repeat here.

I think of paintings in the great museums I've seen in the past; there were plenty of nudes as subject matter.   Can't you imagine those artists with mothers like yours?   She would have tanked them too!

Your mother is hardly a reliable source for a critic of your artwork.....

[alovelycreature]

I'm sorry that happened! It's like you're not allowed to have the light for a moment!

I actually checked out the Karyl McBride website and took the NPD M test! Of course I have 26 check marks. I am going to add that book to my reading list. Sounds like a good place to start looking at the IC. Thank you. 

[Rain]

You deserved to "have the light for a moment" when you had such wonderful feedback when your had your artwork out there!!

I sure hope you can move to a point of putting your artwork out there again.   You'll know when it is time.   I will, and I have NO plans of letting my mother know.   I could have perfect artwork out there, and she is guaranteed to attack it.

You are very loveable, Lovely.   Yes.   People do authentically really like you, likely love you.

I was reading Kizzie's "Angering" post that I think she and Cat worked on.   It is very good, and it quite helpful on Inner Critic work.

You are not alone in this, Lovely.    I'm there with you ...so many of us here are too with you.

[alovelycreature]

Yes, I saw the audio book! I'm listening to The Body Keeps the Score and I think I'm going to do that next. After starting to read the Walker book, I'm starting to wonder if my Mom is actually a fight. She has a trauma history too, so makes sense she is a narcissistic type.

I have been noticing myself how much rejection effects me too! I didn't notice how much I have been "fawning" in my life to keep the peace. Definitely been focusing on some IC work. Simple recognizing thought processes has made a huge difference. Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking this way? It actually made me have an EF, but a good one where I could grieve a little bit. I don't think I've been angry in a long time and I had the opportunity to do that.

I always try to remember that making art is speaking the truth. It may not be anyone else's truth, but it is ours and whether it's real or not doesn't matter. I wonder how our M's look at our work. I know when my M see's mine she probably feels her, "Children can be seen but not heard," days are gone. My best friend frequently tells me, "If she didn't want this to happen she should have behaved better!" Even more parentalization in a quite backward way.

I began reading the Angering post. I'll have to go back and go more through the thread. Especially since it seems to be coming out more now.

Whenever you feel down remember how much love you have put out into the world Your words have been a guiding light 

[Rain]

Okay, my jaw dropped with your last line, Lovely, as I'm quite down today.    More breaking of denial as I'm reading about emotional neglect, and I'm confused, frightened ...then reading what you wrote.    Thank you.   I gasped a bit, then tears came.   Love is what is meant.   

I mess up so many times.And, yes ...I also have a whole new cycle of Angering coming up also, Lovely.    I may need to do more than hit pillows this time .....

[schrödinger's cat]

No advice, and I'm not in the same situation, but I wanted to thank you for your emotional honesty here. You both have a lot to give to the world. It's the broken people who often make the best artists, because there's this weight and depth behind what they're saying. So keep on making art, both of you in your own ways. 

[Rain]

As your art is in your words, Cat.

I've learned so much from you, as I've learned so much from Lovely, as I've learned so very much from everyone here.

When the butterfly emerges, it is because its cocoon was broken.    I am delighted to be so broken.

I see so many sets of wings expanding here.

I hope your manuscript finds its "wings" into the world, Cat.   It is your art.


A light hidden is a loss for us all.

[alovelycreature]

I'm sorry you were having a rough day, Rain. It's nice when the universe knows we're suffering and sends us something to pick us up  .   

Maybe we should be happy that we will never be "perfect" since there is no such thing! We will be good enough!

I like sometimes to think about how their rejection really caused more problems than created solutions. My Mom pretty much has no friends because she is so judgmental. Myself and my siblings seem to be slowly distancing ourselves further away, but as siblings we remain close. I don't like to compare myself to others, because I think that's unfair, but in this situation it takes the pain away to see that their rejection just causes them problems. We might have to deal with that rejection, but we need to remember we are lovable! And we do have something to share with the world, no matter how small.

Sounds like a good idea for an impromptu art project. What makes us lovable? Isn't it hard to sit down and think about your positive qualities? It is for me. Our talk has inspired me to maybe do some collages to get the creative juices flowing.

[alovelycreature]

I'll start something under the alternative therapies!