Hi, I am new here, here is my story. I need opinions. **Trigger Warning**

[aurorajo]

Hi, I'm new here. I want to post my story because I honestly don't know if it was abuse or not. I have lots of self-doubt about posting here. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD last year, but sometimes I feel as if I should be fine because other people have had it worse...
First I would like to explain that I have a very vague memory of my childhood. So I won't be able to type my whole story but here are the main points.


I grew up with a single mother. I have one older brother. From birth to about the age of 4, things were fine. We used to live in Arizona. My mom and I had a couple very serious stalkers, one of which is still out there today. Then we moved to Wisconsin and everything changed. I remember stopping at a hotel during the drive to Wisconsin. My mom met a young college-aged guy while my brother and I were in the pool. Later that night she brought him back to the hotel room. I was 5.  All I remember is feeling disgusted and I told my mom to make him leave and that what she was doing wasn't right. All she told me was, "shut up and go to sleep. You're being a little brat. You're stupid, etc."

From age 5 to 7 I have little to no memory as of now.

Fast forward to age 7ish. All I remember is a man coming into my room wanting to play "doctor." Um.. he raped me. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Anyways, over the years I've noticed that when my mom had a man in her life, she completely ignored my brother and me.
So again, around the ages of about 8-14 I have very little memory of things. It's quite frustrating, but I'm going to try to describe what I know as clearly as possible. I apologize for how messy this all is. I'm very nervous and scared.

My mom started dating this man named Brian when I was about 8. She kept him secret for a while, but I knew something was off because she would sometimes just leave for a weekend to go spend it with him. I remember screaming over my nanny's shoulder because I didn't know what was going on. When we finally met him, I somehow knew immediately he was bad. He had a boat at the time, a 32-footer with a downstairs sleeping area. Now, the memory I'm about to discuss is so * up and I don't know how to rationalize it. We all went out on that boat a lot. One day, Brian decided he wanted me to take my clothes off. He took his off. I remember looking at my brother's face (quick note, my brother is autistic, but he's high functioning), he just looked stunned. He walked away to sit at the bow of the boat and turned away, that's when I really knew something was wrong. My mom was over on the driver's seat of the boat (I don't know what else to call it). I knew it was wrong but I took my clothes off because my mom didn't say anything. She looked completely calm. Then when he was naked, he put me on his lap. He moved me around on his lap the way he wanted while commenting on my physique. He would say things like, "you have such beautiful skin, you have a beautiful body. Look at her, her sides are perfect." He just kept touching me, everywhere. And my mom just sat there. This is when I knew I had absolutely no one to protect me. I no longer trusted her or anyone. This was when my anger issues really started. Later that night, my mom and him would have sex right in front of my brother and me. They did this quite a few times. I remember screaming, "Stop! You two are so stupid, stop being jerks. Mom stop making those noises. Brian I hate you!" I didn't know swear words yet so it sounds funny, but it felt horrible. She would then respond with, "Shut up! You are such a brat, enough! Stop whining." Or she would flat out ignore me. This is where things get fuzzy. Now I only remember instances where I would catch them doing things and I would beg her to stop and she would continue to belittle me and make me feel like I was an inconvenience. My brother, being autistic, would just beg me to do as she says and be quiet and go to sleep. It was heartbreaking. I remember finally calling her a * and I had a bad punishment for that.

I know more terrible things happened between Brian and I, but I can barely remember anything, probably for good reason. So, not only was I not safe at home but school wasn't safe either. As a young girl, I got into a lot of fights, I got bullied a lot, and had no real friends. I was so angry at so many things. Boys objectified me constantly, which continued the cycle of me believing no man was safe.
I remember one instance at the public pool when I was around the age of 9 or 10, a 16-year-old boy molested me a few times. I remember telling the lifeguard that he was hurting me and they kicked him out. I now just remembered him coming up to me later outside of the pool, he was very angry.
The majority of what I remember between the ages of 8-14 is my mom ignoring my hatred for Brian. She would always call me names and tell me that I was dramatic and a brat. Otherwise I have a lot of memory gaps. When my mom finally married him, I felt nothing but utter terror.

Once I entered high school, things got worse. Brian is a narcissist. He constantly belittled me in many subtle ways. I could never show emotion in the household due to him taking full advantage of me if I ever did. He would purposely get me mad just so he could make me look crazy in front of my mom and brother. I was the scapegoat of the family while my brother was the golden child. Brian would tell my mom lies about me to keep me trapped at home. Eventually he made it to where I was completely isolated. He slowly isolated me from any outside contact. It got to a point where I was rarely not in my room. My mom and him would go through my phone. When my mom found out I wasn't a virgin anymore she was disgusted with me and said, "I give up on you." If her and I got into a fight, which was often, she would either just shut down and not talk to me for a few days or say things like, "You're just exhausting to be around. You always want to argue. Get out of my sight, just leave, I don't want you here. You're a spoiled brat. Who do you think you are?" She never apologized for anything, ever. Even to this day she never apologizes. Brian would insult my intelligence by purposely making me look stupid. He would purposely get me angry around anyone I brought over just to humiliate me. One time he wrote a 4-page letter about all the things he claims I lied about and how horrible I am. I never read the whole thing. Every time he would come home he would touch my back and stroke my sides. My room was all the way on the opposite side of their room, and he would claim he would hear me scream from a dream just so he could sneak up to my room.. Then when I became suicidal, and eventually ended up in the 72-hour hold, things only got worse. My mom invalidated anything I was going through and would threaten to take me back to the hospital if I even mentioned depression or suicide. She pretty much left the parenting to Brian. I went to therapy for maybe 3 months tops. He and my mom would take up most of my therapy sessions, and I'm pretty sure my horrible therapist disclosed information she wasn't supposed to which only gave Brian more ammo to use against me. Whenever I came home from school I remember constantly being on edge. I never knew what was going to happen. Sometimes he would have good days, and so would my mom, but most were bad. He had complete control over my mom. She thought she was the sole victim in the family because obviously Brian also abused her, but I got the worst of it all. I remember never, EVER wanting to be alone with him. He had complete control over me and everything I did. He would even track the mileage on my car to make sure I didn't go anywhere but school. He would even tell me that he knew people who knew me and that I would never truly be free of him watching my every move.

I drank a lot as a teenager. Every weekend I would binge drink just to forget everything. But, while all of this was happening at home, school was just as bad. My "friends" too manipulated me and belittled me constantly. I remember getting messages from them telling me I was worthless and that I should never come back to school. The boy who I lost my virginity too became extremely angry that I decided not to be with him so he told everyone horribly disgusting untrue stories about me that everyone heard about. I was always called a slut and I was pushed around by the guys in my grade. The upperclassmen would objectify me and would talk about how badly they wanted to * me. This was all within my freshmen and sophomore year of high school. I am only giving you the summary of everything, but believe me when I say a lot more bad happened, it's just too much to type and too difficult to remember. Then I transferred schools when it got so bad. The rumors followed me there and I got into 2 fights within the first few weeks of the new school. New rumors formed and new enemies were made. The "friends" I made there also did horrible things to me. So, I was completely alone. I literally had no one to talk to and no one to keep my safe. The only thing that kept me alive and going was music.

During my junior and senior year of high school was when I had dated my two worst exes. The first ex everyone loved. His name is Andrew. I was 17, he was 20. I remember drinking heavily one night a party (as usual) and he was there. We hadn't started "dating" yet but I knew we were into each other. He wasn't much a drinker so he was pretty much sober when he was with me at that party. I blacked out, and later that morning around 4 am I woke up naked right next to him. I had no idea what to think. For some stupid reason I repressed it and dated him anyway. One day, while we were dating, he told me he wanted to have sex in his * car one last time before he got rid of it. At first I said yes, but last minute before we went into the car I said no I didn't want to. So, he put me over his shoulder and put me in the car and drove to a dead-end and hand-cuffed me into his car and.....
I felt so violated and disgusted. Was it rape? I have no idea. I know I couldn't tell anyone because no one would have believed me because it was "Andrew."

When I finally ended things with him I went to date the guy I thought I was in love with for years. His name is Jordan. Quick background on him. For 5 years prior to dating him he constantly manipulated me. He would be into me then stop talking to me for long periods of time, he even dated my then best friend (she wasn't my best friend but she was the best I had at the time until she too ended up doing horrible things to me like call me names and spread awful rumors). When I was 14 and he was 17 he pressured me into sending him pictures. He sent them to all of his friends who then all wanted to have sex with me. Yet for some reason I thought I loved him. When I finally had the chance to date him, I took it. At first he was charming (he always was at first and I fell for it every time). Then his true side started to show, but much worse this time. He would belittle me and humiliate me. He too would insult my intelligence and made me feel crazy. It was an emotional nightmare. This is where things get fuzzy. I don't know what to label this as, and I need someone to tell me what they think it is.

I remember him pressuring me a lot to have sex. I had just turned 18 when we started dating and he was 21. Eventually things got to a point where whenever we hung out we would have sex whether I wanted to or not and would always force me to have unprotected sex. He would flip me over and that was that. I vaguely remember trying to get him off of me but he would never let me go until he was done. I remember just laying there, not really present. By this point I was so used to my body being used for whatever a man would want that I just dissociated. I would just freeze up and have no emotions about it afterwards. When he had finally sucked all the life out of me, he dumped me. Later I found out he was also cheating on me the whole time too. He just threw me away like the rest of them.


This was the gist of everything. I am so, so, so, so sorry for how long this is. The funny thing is that this is the short version, it's hard to put 14 years of terrible things into one post. All I want to know is did I suffer abuse? Especially from my mom and now ex stepdad Brian? Was I raped by my two exes? Was I molested by Brian? I keep going back and forth to "holy * my whole childhood and innocence has been taken away from me" while having horrible memories continuing to come up to "it really wasn't that bad, people have gone through much worse and I am just being dramatic." I truly don't know. I am so confused with everything and I want to write more about my story, about things I am confused about, but I have already written too much. Maybe I'll post something else again soon. I feel different from everyone else so I was hoping this forum could help give me clarity. I'm finally getting professional help now but I still would like opinions from those who have been through similar things as me. Thank you for reading, and again, I am sorry.   

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, aurorajo! I'm so glad you're here. You are truly a survivor - so happy you made it out.

It doesn't matter if others had it worse, and it doesn't make any difference what happened to anyone else. You were abused and you've been affected by it.

At first he was charming (he always was at first and I fell for it every time). Then his true side started to show, but much worse this time. He would belittle me and humiliate me. He too would insult my intelligence and made me feel crazy. It was an emotional nightmare. This is where things get fuzzy. I don't know what to label this as, and I need someone to tell me what they think it is.

I'm no expert, that's for sure, but this seems like narcissistic abuse.

All I want to know is did I suffer abuse? Especially from my mom and now ex stepdad Brian? 

Yes, undoubtedly. I hesitate to go into details for you, as this all seems really fresh to you and I don't want to push. But yes.

Was I raped by my two exes?

Yes.

Was I molested by Brian?

Yes.

Please be kind to yourself. The length of your post doesn't matter, what matters is that you feel heard. You have every right to tell your story and be believed. I believe you. You're not making it up - in fact, you (like so very, very many of us, myself included) seem to struggle with seeing it as bad as it really was. We survivors minimize things much, much more than we "make stuff up".

I'm happy that you are getting professional help. I avoided it for a long time and now am having to deal with it later in life. Believe me, sooner is better in this case.

It's interesting that you say you have felt different than others. This is also very common among us. I always felt like I might have been a different species than human. I knew I was human, but didn't feel like it.

I'm so glad you are here! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Blackbird]

Welcome, aurorajo 

I'm so sorry about what you went through. All of what you described is definitely abuse. It started with the way your mother treated you, to her boyfriends and Brian, to you going through revictimization (term therapists use when we end up in abusive relationships after childhood abuse) with your boyfriends.

It's natural to feel you don't have it as bad as others with the same diagnosis. I feel it too. But in fact, each of us is unique and even a small kind of abuse is abuse anyway and what you went through is by no means small. You are definitely allowed to own the "survivor" badge, the "warrior" badge too.

Very brave of you to seek help too, it sometimes takes so long for us to finally admit something was wrong. I went to therapy for other issues and my therapist kind of forced me to look into my childhood.

I too ended up in two relationships after two sexual abuses, so I feel the pain, we feel responsible, it was our choice afterall. But, like my therapist says, we didn't learn to do better before. We didn't have a map for healthy relationships.

That can change, though. Be patient with yourself. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, aurorajo, and a very warm welcome,

yes, it definitely was abuse.  if anything happens to us that affects us negatively, either at the time or later in life, it is abuse.  as has been said, no comparisons are necessary.  this was your experience and your feelings, your reactions and your responses.  that's all that counts.

i'm also glad you made it out and that you made it here.  this forum, these people, have helped me so much as i've struggled and rejoiced on my recovery journey.    i hope you're able to find much of the same comfort, support, and encouragement i've found by posting here.  getting it out, letting that poison out and having it handled carefully, gently, and with care is what has made this community of survivors special for me.  we're in this together.

[Elphanigh]

Welcome Aurorajo  ,

I am so glad that you shared here, and have made it this far. Also, I am sorry for all that you went to but know that the people here are so great and understanding and listening. I know you will find endless support and validation here. It is very brave to share your story like you did, that is amazing and I want you to truly know that. 

As everyone has said, it was certainly abuse. I am glad you are starting to get help with it all, you are so deserving of that and every kindness you can give to yourself.

You're not alone for minimizing what happened. I do the same thing, and have had people minimize theirs because of mine. None of us need to compare them like they are on a scale of good to bad. Abuse is all traumatizing and it is all valid. It sounds like you went through quite a bit but you have made it here and persevere which is amazing.

I hope to see you on here and look forward to offering help as I can

[aurorajo]

All I want to know is did I suffer abuse? Especially from my mom and now ex stepdad Brian?

Yes, undoubtedly. I hesitate to go into details for you, as this all seems really fresh to you and I don't want to push. But yes.

Thank you so much Three Roses for your kind words and giving me your honest opinion. I am very sorry for just now replying, After posting my story I had to take a break. I would love it if you could elaborate on what you meant by the quote above. I genuinely want to hear your thoughts. I feel welcomed here and I am looking forward to being a part of this community.

[aurorajo]

Thank you so much Elphanigh, Blackbird, and sanmagic7 for being so kind and welcoming. Thank you for the support. I wish I had more to say, but this is a new world for me (in terms of having any sort of support). I am looking forward to getting to know everyone and I hope I too can help support any of you. 

[SaraCdx]

hi aurora,

i'm here from your other post where you said you weren't sure if this was abuse.

i read your post and all of it was abuse.

all of it.

i wanted to write more but at this moment i can't because i'm crying. i will try to write more in a couple of days.

i just want to wish you strength.

[Lingurine]

Oh Dear Aurora (and Sarah too). It's so sad to read this. I so feel for you. It's all abuse, all of it and the reason I think you doubt yourself, is because you were gaslit by the people who took advantage of you. (Gaslighting is a term from psychology, meaning that our abuser made us believe it was us who were crazy, not them, so we could not defense ourselves to them)
I'm glad you are here and keep writing, so you can meet people who are survivors like yourself to let you hear another sound (Sarah too).

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

and strength back to you, saracdx.  we can all use a little extra dose of that at times.  so glad you posted.  take your time.

aurorajo, i'm just glad you're here.  i hope you keep coming back in your own time, of course.

hugs to both of you.