let the healing begin

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad to hear that you are working with your daughter to help this not be an issue. Everyone's words are wonderful and I will second them all. I don't have words for much more at this moment, but I am glad you are going to help keep your daughter in  your life. Outside of this she has sounded great for you

[Candid]

However, my outer critic isn't strong. I will believe the best of a person until it is proven too many times over that they aren't good.

Actually I think that's true of me, too. It's not like I actually say anything to the people I'm judging. In fact. I think I've been giving someone (see my Need a job... thread) the benefit of the doubt for too long. So I have all these judgments about what other people are doing and I'm more likely to give them a wide berth than come out and criticise openly.

my inner critic runs rampant.

I'm starting to challenge it, but there's a lot of negativity to be overcome and right now I'm greatly hampered by my environment. Outer critic with a gag on, there.

[clarity]

I do a lot of visualisation stuff, picturing them in front of me and telling them exactly how I feel ..all privately but it feels so good...and relieves a lot of the inner pressure. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the explanations and examples.  no, my inner critic was silenced a long time ago.  since i was 'perfect', there was no reason to criticize myself, and any faults i may have had i excused away, telling myself that perfection is boring so flaws give character, therefore i was perfectly flawed.  (these flaws usually took the form of having a run in my nylon, or a spot on my blouse.  nothing personal)  o, i had a rich inner world where i was queen!!!

plus, i didn't have my feelings to tell me any different, which is why most of my life i simply floated.  i wasn't really judgmental, always able to see both sides of an argument, always understanding how someone could be the way they were (rotten childhood was the standard way i excused a lot), and having no opinions of my own.  since i had no opinions, judgment didn't really come into the picture.

without a sense of myself, i didn't project anything onto others.  without knowing or noticing my own faults or flaws, i didn't project those onto others, either.  i was self-contained, and rarely even noticed others.  they were unimportant in my life, so i didn't care what they thought, couldn't empathize with how they might feel about anything. 

as i'm becoming more aware, it's a struggle to remember that others have feelings, have a different way to look at the world, or have different perceptions than i do about what i do or say.  where something is very important to another person, i pay it no attention most of the time.   i haven't had much practice in doing so.  self-absorbed to the max, and it was basically all in my favor.  it's how i survived. 

that's why i had to ask about this thing with my daughter.  i don't have the system that is aware of what i'm doing and what kind of impact it may have on others.   seeing it thru all your eyes helps me to know how i should be seeing it.  i don't have that capacity for myself.  i've always had to make myself right.  it's how i maintained my perfect image of myself.

that's why, too, the idea of an inner and outer critic had escaped me.  couldn't relate.  i've had small breakthroughs here, but they were easily diminished.  so, i appreciate the help in learning how to be a real girl instead of a puppet.   i may never be able to get it all on my own, but i learn from you, and i so appreciate your honesty and forthrightness.  this is very difficult for me.   thanks for your help.

[Elphanigh]

I am really glad that hearing these examples have helped. I am sure you are not the only one that survived that way. It worked for you, and you do really deserve the right inner life you have. It is good your inner critic doesn't run rampant. I am glad of that for you. It is also so huge that you can ask about stuff with your daughter and recognize you need some outside perspective. That is wise and so much progress from how it is you say you survived then. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that, elphanigh.  never thought of it, but i guess it is.  i'm talking about that getting others' perspective is different from how i used to do it.  that's true.  is it wise?  it just felt to me like i was stumbling and needed some clarity.  i know i have some wisdom just from living this long and having a lot of different experiences, but i don't think of myself as wise.  that sounds organized, which i'm not.

anyway, thank you again.  it's still hard to be human and get knocked off that pedestal of being 'right'. 

i did think of an outer critic voice, and it comes from my nc daughter.  she was very vocal about putting me down - lazy, too old to go back to school (she was 14 when she told me that), selfish - lots and lots of stuff that i had to either ignore or fight thru.  lazy was the big one for me.  i worked for years to prove to her i wasn't lazy, including taking her with me on a day of cleaning houses and teaching groups.  it didn't matter.

then again, with narcs, it never does. 

[sanmagic7]

feeling better today.  i was trying to change her, and letting go of that feels good, right.  i feel like i will be a kinder, gentler mom, not trying so hard to make her see me.  i don't know exactly where i get these ideas from, but i do know that when i let them go, it finally feels not only like it's the right thing to do, but that i can ease off from pushing myself so hard.  so much work.

so, i'm gonna look at watching some tv today, see if i can find one of my favorite series and just marathon it.  it'll be like being on the porch with my comforting friends. 

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
I am imagining you enjoying your TV on the Healing Porch, and I hope it's going well.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, yesterday was restful and just what i needed.  thanks.

today i woke up feeling very good.  took a walk, ate, did my thing here.  i had a bout of feeling quite lost and alone the other day.   this is still a new country for me (literally) in so many ways.  it hasn't been 3 months since i got here yet.  i have to keep that in mind.

today will be a day of chores - shower, laundry, change the sheets.  that will be later, tho, after my nap.  will get some tennis on the tv.  for some reason, i've always been able to get a lot done during commercials.  and tennis is relaxing (unless my boy is playing a really intense match, then, not so much.  i can get really wound up in this stuff) for the most part.

so, i'm off to take my vitamins and such, take a nap, and get geared up for the rest of the day.  i think it will be all good today. 

[Blueberry]

San, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better and are seeing clearer what was going on between you and your daughter. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  so am i.  i've talked to her several times since then, but not about it.  i think i'll just start showing her a kinder, gentler mom, and let my actions and words speak for themselves.  if she brings it up i'll address it in more detail.  for now, it just feels better to have that clarity.  you all have helped with that.  love it, love you.

[Wife#2]

I have heard it said that smart can learn, intelligent can understand why to learn, but wisdom learns and applies what is learned.

From what I see in all of your posts, San, you are indeed wise.  For being wise and not even being aware of it. That is not false humility, that's the real thing, my friend. When we are humble, we are teachable. When we are teachable, we grow. When we grow, we become even better versions of ourselves. I have been enjoying watching you grow and become an even better San.

Every day, you make me more glad that I can call you friend. You make me even more proud of you, of your tenacity and willingness to do the hard thing, because it's the right thing. You may not have thought of yourself as a teacher, but you are. I have been a happy student at your feet, absorbing all that you are sharing with us. Thank you, friend, thank you. 

[sanmagic7]

wife2, you really touched me.  thank you from my heart. 

guess i overdid it yesterday cuz i was feeling so good, so i'm slow today, tired.  still difficult to find a balance for myself.  i want to do all these things, forget i'm sick, but days like today remind me that it's something i have to keep in mind at all times.  one of these days this lesson shall be learned. 

it's that nagging - what do i look like to others? - thing.  do i look lazy?  do i seem like i should be doing more cuz i walk and talk with no discernible disability?  part of it is, too, that the woman i live with is working, cleaning, clearing, tidying, dusting, the others' rooms as well as holding down a job and cleaning, etc., the rest of the house.  it feels like pressure to me to keep up to her standards.

when people in the house don't, she goes in and does it for them.  i don't want that being done with my stuff.  still, i'm not a perfectionist like she is.  my d suggested that i just accept that's her thing, and allow it so that i don't stress myself out over it.  i'm working on it, but . . . then i push myself to do more than i know i should do in one day.  the next day, like today, i crash and do very little.

this is not her fault.  it's from her background, her expectations.  she isn't rude to me, or judgmental, i don't think.  i think i put the pressure on myself cuz i don't want to be admonished for anything.   i know i have to live my life the way that's best for me, and let the chips fall where they may.  we've even gotten to be quite friendly, and she's told me she has nothing to complain about re: me.

it's a nagging worry that if i don't live up to expectations, i will somehow be rejected, lose a place to live, and i sure don't want to do that.  yet, one of the other people is being complained about pretty constantly, and she's been here nearly 5 yrs.

i've just got to settle myself with this.  got to take care of myself first.  know that nothing bad's going to happen.  maybe it's all part of this moving process.  it hasn't been 3 months since i was living in mexico.   take my time.  breathe, thank you wife2, just be who i am, what i need to do for myself.  big sigh.  i guess that hit home. 

[Blueberry]

  San. You've achieved so much and been through so much in the past 3 months. So many changes in every aspect of your life. So many adjustments to make. At least that's what I find - changes in life require emotional adjustments, which I think are the synapses in our brains making new connections (but I could be wrong on that). When that's going on, then I am tired and slow and have difficulty getting moving at all.

Is there any way you could approach the woman you live with about not touching your stuff in order to clean and tidy? I could maybe accept somebody doing that to my things if they were in common areas (kitchen, bathroom) but in my own room I'd have a problem with it. Unless of course you can get used to "that being done with (your) stuff". Maybe if you had some time limit, e.g. if you don't clean for 4 weeks, she'll start cleaning your stuff to prevent any problems like mould or insects, rodents etc moving in  That could be a worry for her.

Absolutely, take care of yourself first! It doesn't sound as if anything bad will happen, if the woman doesn't have any complaints about you.

[Wife#2]

::: Trotting over to the healing porch, be back in a jiffy:::

There, the 'acceptance of self as-is' blanket. Let me drape it in the sun for a few minutes to warm.

OK... That's long enough - it's HOT over here!

Now, get in your most favorite comfortable relaxing position, whatever that is. I'll get your favorite drink and book. Now, here's that blanket.

It's not lazy if you're doing what you are capable of, even if you're not meeting the capricious standards of others. Their expectations are their own.

As to others' perception of us - I've heard it said that others' opinion of us is none of our business. I think that's accurate - that if we want you to know our opinion of you, we'll tell you. Most people operate under that reality. They don't have out-of-control inner critics looking at others and checking the mirror to see if we pass some undefined muster.

Sure, there are standards that many people expect of themselves and others. That's their problem. I know the whole - how can people understand I'm differently abled when I look just fine from the outside?' My brother had it the worst I have seen. It wasn't until the disease ravaged him, leaving his 6'1" frame lighter than my 5'5" frame that people understood just how sick he'd been for years. By then, the pity was stupid and my brother rejected it.

Even I, who shared a house with him, sometimes forgot that he was battling for his life when he looked so healthy.

So, maybe create a kewl doorknob hanger that says something like, 'Healing in progress, will try for tidy tomorrow.' Or some such witty thing to let the landlady know you respect her wishes, but respect doesn't mean you'll always be able to DO it.

And, before inner critic gets a chance .... no that does NOT make you lazy, less than or 'disabled'. It makes you a survivor, life-liver whose abilities tend more towards organizing the mind than the bed pillows.

Now, for that book, favorite beverage and the 'Acceptance of Self' blanket.