let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

wow, candid, good catch.  she didn't say 'i hate you'.  maybe that was my adult me editing that emotion.  a child would say 'i hate you' - kids personalize these things and don't have the means of separating the person from the thing they did.   that's why if there's a problem between the parents, the kid always thinks it's his/her fault.   can't make that separation.

something to ponder next time i do this.  thanks, you darling you.

[Blueberry]

after another realization about crapola as a kid, i was also able to get some anger out, some child hate at my dad.  it was a bit weird, cuz he was god to me and i wanted to be like him and please him always, and i'd excused or ignored a lot of what he did as i was growing up, especially mocking and humiliating me.  i just let my little me pound the bed and tell her daddy how much she hated what he'd done.  it was a stretch, but i do believe it was right. 

....i somehow knew that it was my little me who needed to feel the power of being able to say what she might have said if she could have said it.  very existential, i know, but rational at the same time.

Good on Little San and Adult San!    I've done a lot of Inner Child work, letting them express what they felt and thought about all what happened. Was very healing, counteracted physical pain and exhaustion.

So sorry to hear, you too had to suffer mocking and humiliation. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, and a big hug back to you.  your other post was what turned me on to this in the first place.  i'll keep going with it - i don't doubt that it'll help my physical stuff.  yeah, when i think about the mocking, etc., it really sucks.   i would always think that it was just his way, how he was raised.  he was out on the streets a lot as a kid, ran away at 16, all that rot, so i never focused on what it meant for me in reality. 

for so long i've focused on what happened to me in adulthood that i mostly overlooked my childhood.  back to the drawing board. 

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad that you had the realization. It can be hard but it sounds like you are doing so well with it! So glad that you are exploring it and letting little you express what needs to be.

Much love and many hugs 

[sanmagic7]

i'll take that love and those hugs, el, and hold them in my heart.  they are blessings.

very low energy today.  have been helping my d with editing, and it's much more work than either of us expected.  lots of brain drain the past few days.  today is a day of rest.  i just wanted to jot this down. 

i do get so tired of this exhausting roller coaster, this constant battle.  will be going to stay with her to help her the next couple of days.   the 'boys' help a lot, but they sure don't have the same work ethic either she or i have.   or the same strength and stamina.  they're pretty damaged, and i know they do the best they can.  still  . . . .

just whining.  it is what it is, no one's fault.  feels good to whine every so often.  get it out of me here so i don't go there filled with resentment.  i don't want to do that cuz it's not good for her - just more stress - and it's not good for me, either.   i want to help her cheerfully and lovingly, and resentment can knock the socks off both of those.

so, i let it out here.  i know you all get it, understand, have been there yourselves.  the more i type, the more calm i feel.  so glad this is here, you are here.  foc - you're the best.  time to watch some netflix, eat a little, take a nap.  big yawn.  sounds like the prescription i need for today.  ta!

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad you take my hugs and love. I will always send them your way. I am sorry I don't currently have words, or anymore to give...

Know I am always here, sitting with you in spirit. You are truly such a dear friend to me 

[sanmagic7]

as are you to me, el.  indeed.

i think some of the sadness that i've known to still be inside has been leaking out.  most mornings now, i'm usually not awake for 5 min. before the tears come.  this is so unusual for me, so i'm thinking/hoping it's because some of my stress levels and health issues  have calmed down and there's finally a path open through which the tears can flow.

i finished watching a tv series that i've enjoyed, and the ending was all about sacrificing yourself in order to keep those you love out of harms way - a protection thing.  i started sobbing at the end, still can't think of it without tears now.  it made such an impact on me. 

everyone here, myself included, has rarely if ever had someone love them so much that they would do whatever it took, including giving up their own beloved way of life, to make sure the important people in their life were kept safe.  once again, i felt so sorry for myself.  my little me came out again telling my dad that she hated him. 

different from last time.  progress, i think.  this inner child stuff is pretty powerful.  a voice inside my head wants me to compare it neg. to the horrors i've read that others have gone thru, that i'm just whining again.  i didn't have to survive such horrific abuse like others.  then again, i lost all my emotions for most of my life, had no sense of self till i was in my 50's.  i still can't connect with a lot of feelings, for myself or others.

so i weep, i leak, i'm teary-eyed, and i'm going today for the weekend to take care of my daughter, clean up their kitchen, fetch and carry for her cuz she's had a down-turn overnight.  i suspect she did too much, which brought back the pain.  she'll have to find her own balance with this, i guess.

push the sadness back down.  another reminder from the doc about the tests i'm supposed to do.  pressure.  i'm holding those off till my d is more stable, till i can find a ride from a ride service cuz i can't count on her anymore.  hoping to make a t appt. on mon., complete with a ride.  that's one thing i do want to get going.  i need help with this.

i don't know what else to say.

[sanmagic7]

good weekend with my d.  she told me something about grieving that i hadn't thought of before - a new perspective.  that we need to grieve what has been taken from us without our permission, not just our losses.  it put a whole new spin on it for me.

when i began thinking of it, as we continued talking about it, i realized that most of my relationships were dissolved not because it was my choice, per se, but because i had been pushed to the edge and it was either me or the loss of me.  in order to keep myself intact, i was forced to make the decision i never wanted to make.  the choice was taken from me out of survival.

i'm thinking that my constant crying, my constant sadness has been a result of a generic grieving, one that has had no real focus, so it's been like a bottomless pit, neverending.  like my anger - when i became more specific about who and what deserved my anger and aimed it there, it became more productive.  i was able to be rid of it, released from it, even if it went from one layer to the next because i couldn't get it all out at once.  still, it finally had purpose, and therefore, a finality.  it felt cleansing rather than frustrating.

i'm now wondering if my grief can be dealt with likewise.  i'm triggered by 1000's of things, all reminding me of something lost, something wonderful that had been withheld from me, something taken from me.  the other day, on tv, a couple learned they were going to have a baby  he leaned over and said 'hi' to her belly.  altho i've had 2 babies, i've never had the fathers, my hubs, be happy, proud, loving toward me for being pregnant.  one did for about 5 min., after which he basically ignored me, humiliated me for my weight gain, and accused me of carrying another man's baby.   after pleading with me in the beginning not to get an abortion ('everything will work out'), he told me he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  i moved in with a girlfriend.

hub # 2 didn't even want the baby, altho i told him i wanted to give him a baby of his own (he adopted my first) and he knew i'd gone off the pill, didn't take precautions so he was complicit in the whole thing.  he, too, ignored what i was going thru, refused my entreaties for him to be involved in childbirth classes (you've done this already - you know what to do), wouldn't read the books about it.  he did go into the delivery room when i was there (i hesitate to say 'with me' for he was no more with me than the wall against which he stood the whole time) but i know now that a narc will do what's necessary for show.

so, when i see a touching scene of a man wanting to support his wife, the tears spring to my eyes unbidden, unstoppable.  these are the things i believe i have to consciously list and grieve separately.  they aren't just losses, they're 'never had's' and 'shoulda been's'.  i was trying to make a family and was thwarted in those attempts.  making that family was taken away from me.  being the loved and loving mom-to-be was snatched out from under me.  i didn't just lose those, i was robbed of them.  that's a very different feeling.

there's one example.  i don't know how many more there are, but that will do for now.  what a concept to wrap my head around.  aaaah, and here comes the anger that goes with it.  specific, lethal, purifying.  yes, anger is beneath all this sadness, i've suspected that.  didn't know how to get at it, tho.  here it is, and i want to rip heads off.  it feels great.  more to come.

[sanmagic7]

i looked up the stages of grief.  there are various categories - some have 5, some have 7.  both these models put anger in front of  sadness/depression.  hmmm . . . that's not how it worked for me, but i've always been sad so it makes sense to me that's i'd be stuck in sadness. 

stuck in sadness.  i think that sums it up.  i'm stuck in sadness, and i have to find a way to get unstuck so that i can move on to acceptance.  still no t to help me with this.  if anyone has ideas, i'm totally open to them.    i'm so very tired of crying anytime anything emotional comes up - dang, just watched sharapova win her tennis match, and when she burst into tears, so did i just at the emotionality of it. 

what does someone else getting emotional about something as neutral as winning a tennis match have to do with me?   why would i cry at that?  i don't understand it at all.  hers were tears of happiness.  i wasn't rooting for her, so i wasn't crying with her for that reason.    could this be linked to my own detachment from my own emotions for so long?  rats - i wish i had the answers. 

usually writing about this gives me some insight.  i'm getting nothing from these past posts about it.  it seems more mysterious than ever.  i sure do hope i get a t soon - maybe she can give me some help with this.  i just don't know what to do with it anymore.  ugh!!!  just writing that makes me want to cry.

[Candid]

Darling san, you've had to fight for survival every step of the way, and you're still having to.  I understand about touching scenes in movies.  Even comedy has the potential to spark me off.

Yes, 'never had's' and 'shoulda been's'.  Maslow's hierarchy.  Second level up is safety.  Did you have emotional safety in your childhood home? I didn't.  Of course the next step up is belonging.  Without inner safety, any kind of belonging is a house built on sand.

could this be linked to my own detachment from my own emotions for so long? 

I believe so. 

[sanmagic7]

no, candid, my dear sister, i didn't have emotional safety as a child.  that's where the alexithymia began.  everything but my sadness was buried too deep to even realize by the time i was 17.   and i was demeaned for crying before that.  i stopped for many years, buried that, too, but as i began opening up to my reality in my late 30's, the tears started coming.  and haven't stopped.

yeah, maslow.  i am able to cry w/ my d - as she says 'crying is allowed in this house'.  she accepts my tears with no question.  my hub is used to my tears now, and isn't as upset by them.  that's my area of belonging.  but, since i had so little emotional connection with anyone, i went up the hierarchy anyway.  i didn't know i couldn't. 

wasn't afraid of success or failure, so just did what i wanted.   had nothing inside that told me i couldn't or shouldn't.   didn't get down on myself if i couldn't pull something off at first.  just looked for and found another way.  almost always felt safe cuz i rarely, if ever, felt fear.  i trusted everyone, and when i was betrayed, i didn't cry - just went out and eliminated them and/or found someone else. 

so, maybe this is just how it is for me.  maybe that's part of what i have to accept.  thank you for this, my dearest candid.   so very sad, but only those who look into my eyes when i'm not smiling see it.  not that i'm trying to hide it.  i don't consciously know it's there unless i really think about it, which i just don't most of the time.  my crying reminds me of it.  that's when i'm aware. 

yes, i continue to struggle because of this.   dang.    i never would have thought what far-reaching repercussions something as elemental as emotions could have.

[sanmagic7]

i feel like i'm fading.  i finally have a t appt. in a month, so i'll just have to hang on till then.

i'm very stressed out.  stressed from helping take care of my d.  she found out yesterday that she'll probably have surgery in 6 weeks, so she'll still be dealing with this until then.  it's taking me longer to recover from going over there.  her 'boys' help as much as they can, but they are both quite moody, and i have a hard time dealing with that.

i guess i'm admitting this out loud for the first time.  i love them dearly, they're nice guys, but quite difficult to get past their defenses.   very little interaction.  even living there for just 2 days seems like i'm slogging thru mud with them.  very damaged young men.  they don't exactly make me feel unwanted, but they have major issues w/ their mom, and i'm a mom.  quite a bit of transference is what it feels like.

in a word, my friendliness is rarely reciprocated.  hi, fine, ok is about the extent of the interaction, especially with the younger one.  both are gamers, so they don't go far without some kind of computer device.  it's stressing me out.  i don't want to talk to my d about it cuz 1, she's very defensive of them and all they've done for her (which is a lot, including paying her rent, etc. since she hasn't been able to work) and 2 i know it would be upsetting for her to hear that from me.

she knows how stressful this is on everyone, but she doesn't know these underlying reasons i have.  she's stressed enough that's she's had to be in pain for 4 mos., lying on the floor, not even able to sit up to eat.  i want to make it as easy for her as possible, and my going there 2 days/week helps ease the burden on the boys.  just another thing to push thru.

so, i'm having a bit of a difficult time holding myself together.   being able to write this all out here helps.  then, realizing that my alexithymia may have skewed my grieving process and caused me to be stuck in sadness isn't helping.  as much as my heart goes out to the people in texas, i can't think about them or i'm in uncontrollable tears. 

i also feel like i'm isolating from here - i don't have the energy to put forth toward too many others right now.  i've noticed several times in the past week that my words don't seem to make sense to me, aren't exactly what i want to write, or i can't really wrap my head around them.  i just had to put this all someplace.  this seemed as good a place as any.   i'm not feeling right.

[Three Roses]

 
You take care of you, dear San. I'm sending you all the love I possibly can! 

[Hope66]

I echo what 3 Roses said, San, and I hope that you are ok, and that you are able to hang on in there - and get strength from somewhere to help you to cope with everything.  Sounds really tough to be handling all of that, and just wanted to send you a 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  to you san. You've given tons on here to other people like me. You can have a break now to take care of yourself and just come on here when you want to to gather strength and support and not feel you have to give to somebody else.