let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, hope, and 3 roses, i can't tell you how much you and your words mean to me.  thank you so much.

i'm not feeling well today.  i've got to start paying doc bills, and am trying to figure out how much i can give to each one.  i haven't had to juggle bills for so many years, it's sickening me to have to start again.   ugh!!!

one step, then another.  time to make myself some food.  loving thoughts to all of you.

[Lingurine]

Dear san, I wanted to reciprocate all the kindness you have for people on the forum here. Like I said to you before: you are a great driving force on this forum and deserve all that kindness right back.

Thank you for being here.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

o lingurine, thank you so much.  i swear i owe my life to this place and all you darling people.  i absolutely couldn't have made it this far without you all. 

feeling much better today.  it's taken me about 5 days to de-stress from my last visit with my d.  it's a difficult time for all of us, but it seems that we have an end in sight, so that helps.  she will be getting surgery to end the problem in about 5 more weeks.   finally, a real answer, and a true fix.  i'm so glad for her and for all of us.  it's been quite stressful, to say the least.

'll be going back for a couple days on mon., i think.  am gearing up for it.  i just want to be accepting and caring and loving the whole time i'm there, helping her as best i can.  i'm also thinking i need to ignore the moodiness - it's all that i have in my control, is to change something about me.  i'm a mom, a neg. authority figure for the boys, and, while the older one has warmed up to me somewhat, the younger is like a fog.  nothing of substance to grasp re: his personality.

it's just weird, and not something i've had to deal with on a reg. basis.  usually, when i meet people like that, i end up avoiding them.  being thrust into this situation, where he lives, i have to manage to make this as good for myself as possible.  so, change my attitude, change my perspective, don't take it personally (i'm just pep-talking myself here), and be happy i don't have to live with him.

in the meantime, i paid part of a doc bill yesterday, which felt harrowing.  my hub has been doing that for me all those years with him so i wouldn't have to go out in the heat (there are no payments by mail there) or take a chance with my legs acting up.  he worried about my safety constantly, and would rather do those errands himself (except for grocery shopping once a week).  so, having to juggle bill-paying is something new again, and threw me for a bit of a loop.

but, it's done, and i'm ok again.  so weird how the smallest thing can send me spiraling downward - things that i used to do without blinking an eye.  i mean, writing a check, for crying out loud!!!  how many times have i done that in my life, and now it seems like such a big deal.  can't just do an online payment cuz i'm only paying these bills in pieces right now. 

i noticed a couple times lately that i have been feeling the love that's been sent to me.  the feeling of being loved.  it's a miracle to me.  it still doesn't happen all the time, but a few expressions of it lately have hit me in the heart.  hopefully, it's progress.  it's quite overwhelming.    i know this is because i've surrounded myself for the most part with people from this forum, my hub, and my daughter.  these are the sources of continuing love in my life, and it's beginning to penetrate.  it's odd to me, but i'm finding that i'm more able to pull up the feeling when i'm trying to go to sleep.  it's soothing to me.

so, with gratitude, there are places inside me that are healing.   what a concept.

[Candid]

i just want to be accepting and caring and loving the whole time i'm there, helping her as best i can. 

I can't imagine you being any other way, dear friend.

to pep-talking ourselves.

IME the anticipation of having to get out, navigate buses and town centre + do whatever needs to be done is much worse than actually doing it.  As you say, things we used to do without even thinking about it.  I tremble at the thought of having to live alone now, and it's only been two years (this week) since I cracked my head open.  Before that it was a whole different ballgame.

to feeling the love, too.  And a

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the vote of confidence, candid.  you didn't see or hear me a couple weeks ago when i was there for 5 days and absolutely blew up at the mess they were all living in.  i was doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, changing linens, making food for her, and wasn't getting any help, and i exploded!!!  it's been a tough situation all the way around (it was also during a heat wave and not adequate cooling in all rooms).  i just let 'er rip, and it wasn't very nice at all.

i'm really not a very good 'nurse', so to speak.  3 days of taking care of someone is pretty much my limit.  anyway, she's feeling better, and surgery to fix the problem is on the horizon, so that's good.

i'm still doing the crying thing, several times a day, just bursting into tears at an image or a thought.  it doesn't matter if it's happy or sad, i cry about it.  that's ramping up my stress level.  yesterday i finally remembered to do some tapping, both mine and blueberry's types, to calm myself down.  i'm at the point where i'm just asking for the strength to make it thru the day.  don't want to xanax myself every day, either.  it doesn't always help anyway.

funny, i was feeling pretty good yesterday morning, then the crying and stress started out of nowhere.   i just hope that this t i'm going to see at the end of the month can help me with this.  for all my knowledge and experience, i can't figure this one out, don't know what to do about it, don't know how to fix it.

thanks for that wonderful hug, candid.  i love it.

[Candid]

I don't understand that crying ramps up your stress, san, although I'm guessing it's because you have to hide your tears on a regular basis.  Going from your shared home to work in D's shared home would be a hard act for anyone over 30, still more someone with galloping CPTSD.

Re. the xanax, you nailed the problem with taking any meds every day; they cease to work.  I hope the T can help you, because we know this is just a temporary blip for you. You are so strong and so caring about everybody, here and in your RL.  Baby steps, my darling.

[Blueberry]

Going from your shared home to work in D's shared home would be a hard act for anyone over 30, still more someone with galloping CPTSD.

bucket loads.
And also your move from Mexico and away from H and all that entailed isn't that long ago either, so, you know, as Candid would tell me  give yourself a break! Or try and do so. Maybe it's just too much to expect of ourselves to be loving, caring, accepting all day every day, when we are also not in the best place and struggling with CPTSD?

You write that being 'nurse' for 3 days is your limit. Good for recognising that  IME I then have to act on that type of realisation, and give myself a break after whatever time period it is.  for remembering to do some tapping because there you were doing something to try and calm yourself down.

san, I'm sending you  and hoping you'll find someone on the Healing Porch to wrap you in their big earth mother skirts.

[sanmagic7]

candid and blueberry, i do believe you are correct, and thanks for reminding me.  the move has only been a few months, and everything that went along with it.  then all of d's problems, and doing what i can to help her, all my own doc stuff, begging rides cuz i no longer have my car, no complete privacy anywhere, no professional help . . . yeah, i just need to let myself be the way i am.  it's been so much in such a short time.

i used to do it all, all the time.  i guess i think i still can, should, must.  well, la-di-da, ain't i the super-friggin'-hero!!!  time to jump off this pedestal and get to being human again.  it's such a big jump down for me, every time i have to do it.  but it's really important that i do. 

crying ramps up my stress because every time i start crying, it's because of some kind of trigger that i'm not always aware of exactly what it is.  it's an unknown for me, and that stresses me out.  whether it's happy or sad or whatever, emotional stuff is stressful for me.  to add a physical component (crying) to it is just that much more stressful.

thank you my friends of my heart for being here for me, making sure that i return to earth.  i needed that.  love and hugs right back.

[Candid]

no complete privacy anywhere...

I looked at those words for a long time.  That alone is like being shaken or shouted at all day long, for me.  Then try to sleep, hypervigilantly wondering if you might be woken in minutes if you so much as close your eyes.  Stress like that means not enough quality sleep.  That alone is enough to cause giant mood swings, crankiness and tears, with no need for a trigger.

I'm so sorry crying adds to your stress instead of relieving it.  Are you having to cry in front of people who don't get it?  Or run off and hide?

here, definitely.

[sanmagic7]

i cry on my own, usually, unless something triggers me when someone else is around.  it's still hard for me to cry in front of someone - was mocked and humiliated for doing so way too often.   difficult to just break down and sob, except in front of my hub.  he got used to it, understood it was what i needed to do, so he was ok with it.

here at the house, i'm afraid to make the noise that comes with sobbing.  don't want to be intruded upon.  there are times, tho, when the house is mostly empty, and i have let go a little bit then.  i've gone to my car at times in the past - complete privacy there.  another reason i miss it.  it was a cocoon of comfort and safety.

usually, tho, it's just tears running down my face at some trigger from a tv show.  feeling horrible, and not being able to pinpoint what's going on, what emotions/feelings are specifically involved.  that's what's so stressful.  at other times, yes, i've cried, and it was releasing and provided relief, so i know what you're talking about.  i just think i'm overwhelmed by the stress of what i've gone thru in the past 6 mos.

i'd thought of writing a list here of all that, it helps me to see what i'm dealing with in black and white.  i'm tired now, tho, so i'll save it for later.  i'm also nervous about seeing the skin doc thurs. and about seeing a t at the end of the month.  i keep imagining her saying the common opening t gambit - so, why are you here today?  - and i have no answer because i have too many answers.  it all gets caught in my throat.

anyway, gotta eat, take a nap.  thanks for the questions, candid.  they make me know how much you care, how much you're interested in me.  i really appreciate that.  haven't had enough of that cuz i always looked like i was always on top of everything all the time.  i'm not.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I can understand how hard it is to cry in front of others sometimes... Even if it's crying over grief or pain, I struggle because for all my life I was told it was me being "weak".
It's nice that you've got someone you trust to show your tears to though. ^-^

When you go to your T, maybe take a piece of paper with you, with key words written down on it to help you remember and clearly say what you want to say if you get asked that question. Just a suggestion. That's helped me plenty in the past.

Hope your nap is nice and that you feel well rested!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, aa.  that's a good suggestion.  i believe i'll do that.  the nap was good, thanks.  i felt better.

some switch clicked yesterday, like another piece of the puzzle fell into place.  i think writing about being denied helped with that.   it's such a big chunk for me because my 'self' via my emotions/feelings was denied.  without them, i floated thru life.

only beginning to get feelings of being grounded, not just floating thru life, letting the wind take me where it will.  i could never answer the question 'where do you see yourself in 5 yrs.?'  never had a clue, so that question made no sense to me and i was unable to even picture the concept.

i think the words on the paper will be a grounding exercise, now that i think more on it.  instead of reaching for thoughts out of the air, they will be there in front of me.  yes, a very good idea for me.  thanks again, aa.   

[sanmagic7]

the derm. doc today.  not very good news.  2 things i was very worried about turned out to be no problem.  2 things i wasn't particularly worried about may possibly be.  i'm in shock, it's after midnight, can't sleep cuz i took 2 excedrin, which have caffeine, and i'm pretty shook.

the fungal infection i've been told by numerous docs in mexico has invaded my thumbnail may be something altogether different.  it may be fungal, which hasn't responded to any kind of treatment, both external and internal, or there may be something going on beneath my nail, in which case it will have to come off.  not a fun thought.

years of history with this - mexico is a great place to pick up fungi.  all my other nails that had been corrupted by it have long since grown out of it and are fine.  this has been bothering my thumb for at least 8-10 yrs.  something is wrong here.

on my scalp, again after talking to an army of docs thru the years, about 8 or so, all of whom have told me that i had a mole that was not to be worried about and they refused to remove it because it wasn't really bothering me, and the stuff around it was also either a fungal infection or, as a derm. told me  was psoriasis, so i was sold/given stuff to treat it as such - both have been removed and are now being biopsied.

he's already told me that if it's cancer, as he suspects, he'll be having someone else doing the surgery because of the location.   my biggest concern is that i know it's been spreading over the years.  after swearing at the batard docs in mexico, again, for such poor medical care that i've gotten, and sobbing uncontrollably, he kept apologizing for having to be the one to tell me.

i told him not to apologize, i was so glad to have someone see something to be concerned about and take action.    i'm up now, having a difficult time going to sleep, but my anger once again gave me strength and i didn't completely lose my legs like i have after such an emotional situation in the past.  i worked at staying angry, and they kept working.  my anger is my strength and i have to remember that.

so, i'm sitting at my d's right now, writing about this.  i don't know if it was a good idea or not cuz of bringing it all up again, but i also know that if i'd tried to ignore it, it wouldn't have worked, either.

one good thing about all this, and for which i'm extremely thankful, is that this doc and his assistant were extremely kind and understanding, very human and compassionate, and did everything possible to reassure me that this matter would be rushed and taken care of as soon as possible. 

i wont know till next tues. or wed. about the possible cancer, and won't know for about a month about what's going on with my nail.  god, give me strength. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh dear, San. I hope it all turns out okay for you.
Perhaps if you wouldn't mind, keep us updated on how those things pan out. ^^

[Candid]

San, I'm so very shocked and sorry to hear this.  The only bright spot is that finally someone is taking you seriously, and you will get the best care they can give.  I know what a huge difference that makes.

and COURAGE to you, my dear friend.  It's time to start letting other people look after you.  xx