let the healing begin

[Elphanigh]

I will be here with you as well, every step of the way   Joining in the circle with Wife#2 to truly support and encourage you. YOu are so brave and strong. I know you can tackle this too 

[Wife#2]

Still here with you 

[Lingurine]

I'm here too sanmagic, keep your head up, you're so strong.


Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dear friends and family.  i do need you, today and tomorrow, and will be keeping you close. 

i was reading parts of 'the body keeps the score' this morning, specifically about alexithymia, and one part talked about how many people suffering from this malady (for want of a better word) have so many complaints, aches, and pains that doctors can't figure out.   well, if all docs are looking at are the symptoms, and not the root causes, of course they won't figure them out.

all these emotions and feelings that i've been out of touch with for so long have sat and rotted inside my body, increasing inner tension until something has to break.  as i was gathering my previous lab tests to take tomorrow, i noticed (and looked up) that my liver is showing signs of being in trouble.  for years, i've been given meds or taking meds that the docs told me were hard on my liver, but never really told me how to help it cope.

so, add one more to the list.  i'm not afraid of dying, per se (just hate the thought of my self being taken from my hub and daughter - they depend on me and my strength), but i don't like not knowing.  what i'm afraid of is that this will be one more doc who does nothing more than the minimum, and i will go back to struggling to keep myself alive for the sake of the people i love.

as far as i'm concerned, if it were just me, i'd be ready to go.  being sick and uncomfortable all the time is no quality of life.  i wouldn't wish this on anyone.  i've had 2 instances in the past 9 mos. where i could actually feel myself dying, like my insides are slowly and quietly crumbling.  last year, after feeling this, is what gave me the impetus to visit my daughter up here for christmas.  i'd spent most of the year sick, but i didn't think i'd make it till the next christmas.

just before i found this place to live, i had the same feeling.  it's quite eerie, actually, but very real, and very different from anything i'd ever felt in my life.  each time it lasted long enough for me to take note, but not more than a few hours.   it'll be interesting to see what's going on inside me.

it would also be nice to be referred to a therapist, someone competent for a change, to help me get my 'self' back and become a whole person.  i've been struggling with doing it myself, you all have been fantastic support for me, but there's only so much i can do.

this is just no way to live.  i no i won't get anything near like what my life and way of living used to be, but it would be nice to have this trauma-related misfiring of my mind and body find some kind of peace.  i'm sure i could live on xanax for the rest of my life to alleviate the tension that's always there (yeah, i often do yoga and mindful breathing, but the results don't last very long.  they don't make me feel grounded or relaxed, hardly ever, but i do them cuz everyone says they're good to do.)

maybe i'm just so wound up and i need some professional outside input to help me untangle.  that would be nice.  in the meantime, i come here to rant, puke this crapola out, renew myself through all of you, and distract myself by answering other posts. 

today's just a bad day.  too much wariness.  i wish i could just accept that what will happen will happen, and i'll deal with it (and i know i will), but i can't shake the junk flying around that knowing.  my brain hurts now.  time to go kill some zombies.

[Elphanigh]

San that sounds like such a rough day. I wish I had more words to console you and make it all better. I can imagine that feeling is so eerie and difficult to handle. Truly, I hope that the doctor you see tomorrow will be helpful. I would make sure to speak up about the root of the problem, even if she doesn't ask. I know that can be so hard, but it is her job to help you.

Know that even though I don't entirely have words to express it right now, I am right there with you. I  know just in the short time I have been on here, that you have truly made a great impact on my life, and I am sure there are many others on here that would say the same. I will be caring for you and supporting you every step of this way from however far I am from you. I do hope that you find some peace and to get back to your self. I will be here to offer any help and warmth I can. 

[Lingurine]

I hear you Sanmagic, the first thing that comes to mind is: do you take anti depressants? I know this puts a strain on your liver but when you don't take them already, maybe it's time. There are different kind or combinations to make. They do improve the quality of life and maybe that's a road you can travel. Why suffer and feel body pains all the time, especially when they don't find anything, stress can cause a lot of pain. Worth a try maybe?

Take care dear Sanmagic 

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

elphanigh, i know you're with me, and you, too, lingurine, and everyone here.  i can feel you when i just stop for a minute.  you're all around me, and i'm safe with you.

i've been on anti-depressants several times, as well as anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and more.  the last time was in april, i was given prozac.  it made me move like a robot, actually uncoordinated arms and legs - even my mouth worked in a very robotic manner when i talked.  my daughter could hear it over the phone.  that happened in only 3 days of being on it.

when i was on effexor, eventually it started affecting my legs.  at the time i was diagnosed bi-polar, and the shrink said that the bi-polar was getting worse, that's why my legs were shooting out randomly sideways.  so she put me on a mood stabilizer or some such thing.  again, and that was about 4 yrs. ago, within 3 days my legs were so out of control that as i was walking in the morning, i lost control of them, and i ended up falling, breaking a wrist and a part of my vertebrae.

my hub made the 125 mi. trip by bus to talk to her 3 times about this, she kept insisting it couldn't be from the meds cuz it had happened too soon after i'd started it.  i ended up in the e.r. up there, not trusting my legs at all anymore, using a walker.  finally another shrink told me to stop taking that med. 

my body doesn't take well to meds anymore.  any stress and i get the runs.  i've basically had them now for 2 months because of this move and the 2 weeks before, when i was deciding to go, and packing.   i'm drinking water and electrolytes every day, but i know this isn't good for me.  pepto bismol has become my best friend.

i know what my depression felt like when i was truly clinically depressed.  that's not what this is.  i'm just worn down from feeling crappy all the time, always in some kind of pain or discomfort, have been like this for over 20 yrs.   i've had periods of feeling ok, more of my pos. spirit at the fore over this span of time, but even i, as strong as i am, can only take so much. 

maybe i do need to be on xanax, just to give my brain/mind a break from the tension of feeling crummy.  i'm open to taking something that will help me feel better, but i need something for chronic illness.  it's just gone on so long.  the doc tomorrow is my last hope.

i have no trouble telling a doc what i need, what i think, if i disagree.  i've seen too many of them over the years, and when i didn't know what was going on, i took their word that they knew.  as i've learned more, i've spoken up more, taken in all kinds of info, whatever it took to get my findings across.  i need massive lab tests taken, and i need my brain scanned.  i need to know, and to have the doc know, just what we're dealing with, once and for all.

so, i will be armed with all my info, with my guardian angel, with la bruja who protects me from danger, and with all of you.  we'll see what happens.  thank you for your suggestion, lingurine.  and for your caring, all of you.  i am aiming for satisfaction, but i have to be careful.  my system doesn't do well with very much anymore.  and my patience with pill pushers for the sake of treating symptoms is gone.

you all are a big part of my strength now.  i'm forever grateful.  i hope you always know that.  you're in my prayers and my heart.      back to you all.  thank you for being here.

[Lingurine]

Today is your doctor's appointment, let's hope it will go okay for you. It's good to know you at least try to improve your quality of life, you deserve it.

Good luck! 

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

you know, i've gotten myself into such a snit over this doc appt., and thinking it over, i believe i've been experiencing an ef over it.  it has triggered me back into all the medical walls i've experienced over the past 30 years, and the fear rose up and roared in my face.  this caused me to just write all the unnecessary thoughts and feelings down here, and to stir myself up even further into a bad place.

then, as i've read so many times in posts about past abuse, i would wonder if i was making it up, if it wasn't as bad as i thought about it, if i was just being a baby.  those thoughts crossed my mind last night.  maybe my brain is fine and it's just me, trying to get attention or something.  doubting myself big time.  maybe i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and it's some simple little thing that i should have been taking care of all along.

so, i am definitely stirred.  my digestive system is going bananas, worse than ever.  i feel sick, like i'm getting the flu - my eyes hurt, my face feels warm from the inside, i am fatigued and lethargic, as well as in pain.  i also thought about how many times i went to docs, asking questions, just to get an 'i don't know' and no follow-up.  i would feel terrible and all the tests came back saying nothing's wrong.

that happened earlier this year.  i kept telling the doc i had adrenal fatigue, he adamantly denied it, said my symptoms were the same as thyroid.  he finally agreed to test my adrenals and my thyroid - sure enough, the thyroid was fine, the adrenals were not.

on to the internal medicine doc this past april.  she looked at the adrenal test, decided that what she saw couldn't be so, and ordered another test to prove she was right.  i left before i had to see her again.    this is another diagnosis that the medical profession doesn't generally believe in - either adrenals are working, or they're not.  no gray areas, like 'fatigue'.  similar to our experiences with c-ptsd and alexithymia.  they're not in the manual, so they don't exist.

we are black swans.  the bell curve generally used by teachers, docs, therapists - any and all in the helping professions - has a small wing on one side of it, bells up and curves down, then has another small wing on the other side of it.  between these two small wings lie 80% of the population.  these are the people and their maladies that are taken as the norm.

but, what about the 10% represented by each small wing?  what about that 20% of the population that is basically ignored because it is outside the 'norm'?  how are they looked at and treated?  practically non-existent so basically ignored.

for many, many years, people believed there were no black swans, because all they ever saw were white swans.  eventually, someone went exploring off the beaten path in new zealand (i think - this is a true story) and lo and behold, they discovered a bunch of black swans.  these beautiful birds (look up a picture of them - they are magnificent) lived nowhere else in the world.  if it weren't for these hardy explorers whose curiosity sent them to regions unknown, the world would continue to believe that black swans don't exist.

i think of us as black swans.  we are magnificent creatures, surviving in our own way in our own place.  we are outside the bell curve, and it is only those in the helping professions who are curious enough to be explorers that will discover us and learn about us.  i'm hoping this doc is one of those explorers.  i deserve to be recognized and acknowledged. 

so, i will fight for that today.  fight for validation and verification that i exist as my own unique being.  whatever it takes, whatever i must do.  i can do this because i am not alone.  thank you for being with me. 

[Elphanigh]

Dear Sanmagic, this is such a beautiful post. I am so proud of you for fighting for this validation and making your voice heard. I love the black swans, they are so beautiful, it is a great comparison to all of us. I am right there with you, giving you all the strength and support I have. 

[Three Roses]

I know what tattoo I'm getting next! 

[Elphanigh]

Three roses, that is a brilliant idea actually. I have a few and my abuse related one was going to be a lotus flower of sorts. the black swan would be so amazing as well. Not sure how serious you were about it, but definitely made me think

[Three Roses]

Oh, on a scale of 1-10 of seriousness I'm at 92.

[Elphanigh]

That is great! Would love to know if you go to do it 

[Blueberry]

Dear sanmagic,
I'm not reading and writing on here so much atm either. So I missed your post from yesterday / day before about doc appointment and how you're doing. Just want to wish you the very best and say I'm standing with you and standing with the others in the healing circle round you.