let the healing begin

[Three Roses]

San, did you learn anything at the docs today?

[sanmagic7]

you were there with me, all of you.  my daughter came in with me and helped me speak about what was going on. 


the doc felt good, i'm going to go back to her.  i ended up with the 'slows' by the time we were done, and i was able to show her what i was talking about.  she's got me going to see a behavioral psychologist to discuss stress management.  we'll see how that goes.  i'm also getting referred to a retinologist and dermatologist - she saw a mole on my belly that she didn't like the looks of.  i've got about 50,000 moles and i don't like the looks of any of them!!!   lol!!!

anyway, my legs are beginning to come back now.  this is about 3 hrs. later.  i did tell her that i wanted a brain scan, she kind of ignored that, but i'll keep at it.  she wants to see what these other lab results say, i think.  she's cautious, as most of them are, but she was also gentle and seemed caring - not at all gruff or dismissive.  i think she's gonna need some education, as will the psychologist, on c-ptsd and alexithymia.  that will come in time.

i'm hopeful.  she did say right off the bat when she was looking at the list of stuff that is bothering me that this was going to take time.  i know that, and i don't have a problem with it.  luckily i have enough extra eye drops to keep the glaucoma at bay until i get around to seeing someone. 

i did find melatonin when i went shopping.  someone had mentioned it for help with sleeping, so i'm going to give it a whirl tonite along with my benzo, see what a difference, if any, it makes.  i've been doing magnesium with my klonopin for a few nights, and it seems to have been helping me sleep more deeply - i haven't felt the desperate need for naps the past few days.  that's very new for me. 

i think that because i don't have to get up at 5 every morning is making a difference, too.  if i wake up, i can go back to sleep not worrying about what time i might get up.  before, my hub's alarm went off at 5, and if i woke up at 3 or 4, i'd just stay up cuz it would take too long to fall back asleep.  i'd aggressively guard my nap time - it was nearly claws out and fangs bared.  i don't have that feeling this way.

so, i think even this is part of my healing, finding my own sleep rhythm.  i'm looking to be extremely selfish in this phase of my recovery.  i just finished talking to my hub, and, like i told him, my not being there is a load of worry off his shoulders, too.  especially during the summer.  he worried about me constantly getting stuck in the heat and what it would do to me. 

knowing he doesn't have to worry about me is also something off my mind, because, truth be told, i'd worry about me in the heat as well.  it would be 100 by 7:30 a.m., which was when i'd be coming home from buying groceries every week, completely exhausted and feeling totally out of it.  it seems that as i write about this, more of these things i'd been dealing with on a regular basis are falling off my shoulders.  it's a good feeling.

black swans, huh!  magnificent.  i'm glad you liked that story, and i'd love to see those tatoos!  i can't remember when or where i heard it, but i looked it up and found it to be true, and i thought of people like me who haven't fit in the 'norm' on so many levels.  it seems to embrace all of us here.  beautiful black swans, that's what we are.  i embrace you all right back. 

thanks so much for being with me, for pulling for me through my rantings and ramblings, and  for pulling me through these trying times i've been experiencing.  you are all in my heart, always.  i love you all.  this is what friends and family are supposed to be like, and i'm honored that you've included me.  time for some porch-sitting.  i've got my citricel with me, gonna put my feet up for a bit.  the future looks brighter. 

[sanmagic7]

3 roses, i was just finishing up when your post came through.  perfect timing!  love that picture - it's really quite outstandingly lovely!  takes after you, methinks! 

[Elphanigh]

San, I am so glad to hear that she feels good to you. It sounds like she is going to be helpful to you. I hope she finds answers for you, although I am glad you both recognize the long process that all of it may take. I have faith that you will be able to educate them on cptsd and help further their understanding. She does seem pretty open.

You definitely deserve to sit back, with your feet up for a bit

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweet elphanigh.  the referrals went thru for both the dermatologist and the retinologist, so i'm in the process of getting those appts. set up.  both will be good to see, get some answers. 

just tired today.  so much to do, it seems.  one foot in front of the other!

[sanmagic7]

just need to get this out of me, onto the screen, and off into the universe where it will be taken care of. 

my brother contacted me today, assuming i was still living with my daughter and hoping all was well with me.  i've already written that a few weeks ago, my sweet daughter was put in an awkward situation because he told my sister (who has refused to speak to me for 25 yrs., and has spread lies about me - methinks she is npd, and i've talked at length with my bro about that.  he had a horrible time with her last year, swore that he was done with her, and wanted nothing to do with her anymore.  well, i guess he didn't keep his word.) who told my nc daughter who told my nc ex who told my sweet daughter that they all now knew i was back in the states.

my daughter here has also gone nc with her sister, and that whole situation is upsetting/triggering just to mention her name.  her father knows this, too, but being who and what he is, he also felt the urge to get her involved with all of it.  which made her quite nervous and worried about whether she should tell me or not.  grrrrr!  i'm so p.o'd right now i want to grind my teeth!  argh!!!

so, i not only got ticked at my bro, but at my ex for getting her involved, for dumping that crapola on her, putting her in such a position.  not cool at all.  she told me that she talked to her father about it when i said i was mad (she didn't want me to get involved, wanted to handle it herself, the little independent streak rising up in her!) but i told her that i could be mad at him if i wanted to.  she agreed - she just didn't want me to get involved between him and her.  (my girls have always protected him against me, like i was going to do something horribly wrong to him.  it's been this way in our family the whole time). 

when i got the email from my bro this evening, i decided it was time to let him know what i thought, and i did so in no uncertain terms.  told him i was mad, that i felt betrayed, that i'd been open and honest about my life and the people in it and i thought there was honor and integrity in our relationship.   i also told him that i don't trust him anymore, that i can only assume now that he's told my nc sister all the crapola that i've told him, and that it wouldn't happen again. 

i'm glad i'm writing this.  it was really difficult to do, but i am so sick and tired of people going behind my back and telling my business to people when i thought there was some kind of innate confidentiality inherent in our relationship, that these personal things wouldn't be let outside to anyone.  especially not to someone who we have agreed on time and time again is a liar, manipulator, bully, and controlling ------  i don't even know the words anymore.  someone not nice.

ok, breathe, thank you wife2.  deep breath in, out, in out.   yawn.  crap and a half, they're dropping like flies.  that's it for me.  no more.  i don't know that i can trust anyone anymore.  what a frightful feeling.  i've gone thru my life trusting everyone from the get-go.  i guess i had to learn this lesson the hard way.  sucks.

[Three Roses]

Oh San, I'm so sorry he let you down like that!

Ugh, I absolutely hate that feeling I get when I think someone's been talking about me. There's a fear, or something, that comes up in me, and then I get to go thru all the * thought stopping again, correcting my thinking and bein' all functional. Blah! What a pain.

'Twould be a darn sight easier if everyone just said what they meant and meant what they said, & followed thru with it. If you say you won't tell, then don't! Or don't say you won't! How hard is that, people???

Sorry, I seem to have some feelings about this....

It feels so, so lonely when this happens to me. Hugs to you, dear San. ♡

[Candid]

Ooh, it makes me so mad when they get together and make up stories about us and our nefarious intent when all we're trying to do is stay clear of them.

told him i was mad, that i felt betrayed, that i'd been open and honest about my life and the people in it and i thought there was honor and integrity in our relationship

It's the constant betrayal that makes me mad. 

[sanmagic7]

3 roses and candid, thank you for those feelings - they feel so supportive!  they feel validating as well. 

i've been betrayed now by nearly everyone i'd held close to me, believing we'd had a relationship as confidantes.  to find out otherwise, especially through third parties, really sucks the big baloney!  and the fact that this one had put my daughter in a compromised and awkward position really fried my bacon! 

i didn't hear from him today so far, and i don't know that i will.  you're right, 3 roses, about having to go thru that whole process again.  that's almost worse than the actual betrayal, cuz those thoughts can take a lot of time to be resolved, at least for me.  it did help to write about it here, and to my hub.  i told him that i'm just gonna focus on my health from now on, and he agreed that's a good idea.

happily, you all are part of my health plan now

so, that's the last of my foo going down the drain.  he and i have both been smoked by her, he several times, and i thought she was out of his life.  now that i think of it, how could i trust someone in that family who was raised with her?  another lesson learned the hard way.

thank everything for all of you and this place.  thanks for being mad on my account.  i absolutely loved that!  i loved that show of emotion from both of you so much, it really warmed my heart. 

i've got a little niggling thought in the back of my head of what if he didn't do that?  i didn't ask him in the email, just rammed him full bore.  i know christa told her father, told him not to tell her sister, but i can't really trust that he wouldn't.  i don't know.  i suppose it doesn't matter.  i'll never see my brother again.   he's back in our hometown, and i don't plan to go there, unless it's for a funeral, and my daughter here wants to go.  any kind of family thing would be hard on her, and i'd want to be there with and for her.

otherwise, i'm where my future is, with the people of my future.   that's plenty enough.  i will be content.  focus on healing and health.  those other people are not my priority.  i wish there was an emoji for blowing a raspberry!!!

[Elphanigh]

San, I am sorry to hear he did that. I will validate you as well in the fact he had no right to do that. It was a large betrayal of trust. I am glad you stood your ground and emailed him about it not bring okay.

I hope you ahve found some peace in your day, it sounds like you are starting to move forward at least. If it helps we could go play some catch, or sit on your porch with something to drink. I miss Wife#2's ability to create those scenarios, but I hope you  know what I am getting at. Lots of hugs to you my dear friend 

[Blueberry]

when i got the email from my bro this evening, i decided it was time to let him know what i thought, and i did so in no uncertain terms.  told him i was mad, that i felt betrayed, that i'd been open and honest about my life and the people in it and i thought there was honor and integrity in our relationship.   i also told him that i don't trust him anymore, that i can only assume now that he's told my nc sister all the crapola that i've told him, and that it wouldn't happen again. 

Yay for you  I can hear and sense your strength here. You go for it! Tell it like it is. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, elphanigh and blueberry, for your validation and support.  i haven't heard from my brother, and it's been several days, so i don't expect that i will.  there's nothing he can say, unless he didn't tell her, but i think, if that were true, i would've heard from him by now.

on with the medical stuff.  i'm getting notices of my lab test results.  both the adrenal hormones came back, and both are now lower than what they were when tested in mexico.  i don't know what it means, yet, won't find out till the 14th. 

yesterday, i was looking thru the med. history in this online chart they correspond with (this is all new to me!), and i noticed that the doc had me down as having ptsd.  well, i jumped on that, sent a message to my doc, then simply poured out my heart about how i've suffered at the hands of docs and therapists, and that i need help, need to have her look at every contingency.  i felt extremely vulnerable in doing this, not only in giving some of my history, but in pleading for help.  i even mentioned i was desperate.

it turns out the message was taken by an assistant who wrote back blah blah blah, so sorry, this is a space for simple questions, i'll give the doc your message so she can update your history.    an ice cube would have been warmer.  now i've got info on c-ptsd printed out to give to both the doc and the therapist, cuz i don't doubt that they're both clueless, but i do doubt that they aren't the explorer type who go off the beaten path and discover black swans.

it feels like it's gonna be another frickin' battle, i don't know.  it was spirit-sapping.  i'm sposed to see this behavioral psychologist for stress management.  well, i looked it up.  i do several of the things suggested, but they're stressful to me because they cause me pain.  i do them cuz they're supposed to be good for me, like massage, but it hurts too much to be relaxing.

i started doubting myself again.  what if, once more, all the tests come back neg., there's nothing wrong with me, they'll shrug shoulders, say i don't know - this has happened so many times in my life, i've lost count.  then, one of the articles i printed out was by van der kolk, and he restored my faith again.  there is something very unwell (not wrong) going on inside me, and it originates in my brain (i did include that in my message to my doc, that i believe there's brain damage due to layers of trauma).

my appt. isn't for 2 weeks.  i don't know how to keep my undies out of a bundle until then.  focus on the now - i just read that in someone's journal.  it's just that when i begin to focus, my brain starts running around all over the place.  i focus on breathing, breathe in, breathe out, over and over and suddenly i've had several minutes of thinking of something completely off the wall.  don't know how i got there, don't know when i stopped focusing on my breathing.  i just catch my mind in this new place, haul it back to my breathing, and inevitably, the same thing happens.  this has been going on for more than a year.

i know, wife2, breathe, but i tell ya, my mind just runs off with a mind of its own.  i think 3 roses mentioned that i was a 'flight' person, always busy.  that's probably what's going on here, but it's frustrating.  and, how do i explain this to the t who's going to be telling me to be still and relax?  frickin' battles, man.  they just won't stop.

i'm jumping the gun, i know.  it's just that it already feels like the same old thing is waiting around the corner.  wonder why i'm so fatigued?  my brain doesn't stop working!  time to live better through chemistry, slow that mother down.  my chest is pounding just writing/thinking about this.  should be a fun 2 weeks. 

[Candid]

Oh San! It's horrible when we reach a point of begging for help and get those ice-cool responses. I'm so sorry to hear about your sapped spirit, although I know you and I know you'll keep getting up and battling on. Don't fret over the receptionist/paper-shuffler; they're not allowed to think for themselves.

there is something very unwell (not wrong) going on inside me, and it originates in my brain

I know this about myself. I am perpetually so exhausted that I spend as much time as possible lying down. The mindfulness thing is over my head, too. Focusing on the here and now is far too painful, so my mind runs back over every trauma and finding new ones.

Hold on, my darling. One thing at a time. 

[Wife#2]

San,

OK, I had to read, catch up and respond. I can't even respond to everything, but I will say this much....

Bro, maybe keep him as family, but only discuss the weather from now on. Yeah, betrayal, even when they think it's 'for a good cause' stinks up to the highest heaven.

At least you still have your sweetheart daughter in the trusted/trustworthy category.

Dang, I'm so sorry that happened.

And, yes, breathe. You can still flit around your room/house/yard, but breathe. In for 3, out for 5.

As for massage, don't get a 'real' massage, but just a 'touching' massage. Just ask the masseuse to touch once over where the massage would usually take place. Baby steps. Acclimate your skin to being touched in good ways. Then, next visit or two down the road, ask for gentle pressure for that touch. Like you would if you were wiping your face with a napkin. Just a little pressure. If it stops being relaxing and starts to hurt, back to touch only.

Last thought. Yes, you probably are flashing back to all those other visits before. Since nervous flitting around is how you cope with anxiety, go with it! That is NOT a bad coping mechanism. Maybe, when  you see this therapist, tell them, 'I don't do sit and relax. Hand me a duster and let me pace your office. That would actually work better for me than sitting and 'relaxing'.' Remember, my therapist friend, that the PATIENT is in charge of HOW the process moves forward. You don't have to listen if they point to the couch. If sitting cross-legged on the floor worked best for you, then insist you get this done YOUR way. Flit, and don't apologize for it!

Your coping mechanisms may not be perfect and may have stumbled you a few times in your life. But, they did get you THIS far in life, imperfect as they are. Ones that work for you shouldn't be eliminated because they make a therapist, a doctor or even a friend uncomfortable. My husband is a constant motion fellow. It doesn't make me nervous anymore, especially since I recognize it's how he thinks and deals with life. People you are paying to help you had better just get over it. Pace, flit, frolic if you want to (and your body is up for it).

[sanmagic7]

candid and wife2, my darling sisters.  you two are part of my true family of the heart.  my bro, well, he can kiss my sweet, awww, you know what!  i just don't need it or him.  it's not like we have family get-togethers or anything.  i haven't seen him in 10 yrs.  so, that foo thing is pretty much out the window.  it's ok.  just another loss.

as far as being busy, i'm not a mover type person.  typing here is a way of being busy for me.  playing computer games.  my brain running in circles.  that kind of thing.  i can sit in her chair for an hour and be still physically, but my brain and probably my mouth will be working overtime.  we'll see.

got the results of most of my tests.  the ones that i could understand show, basically, nothing wrong with me.  the adrenal tests are differently done than they were in mexico, so i don't know what they mean.  the only thing i saw is that both hormones were at lower levels than they were when done in mexico.  so, that's still up in the air.

otherwise, right now it looks like the same old thing - tests come out fine, don't know why you feel crummy.  shrug shoulders.  again, working on putting this in its own compartment for the nonce (love that word).   but, it does look like my liver and kidneys are ok, so that's good.

and, i didn't pop a pill yesterday, just rode the anxiety out.  i was kinda proud of myself for that. 

i'm now waiting for my daughter who's going to take me to the eye doc.  i'm glad that's going to get started so quickly.  i do worry about my eyes.  it's a lovely day today, the end of june, and the year is once again flying by.  my hub will call tonite to see how the eye doc went.  i am good.