let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

candid, i also thought of you this morning, gathering me in, and the tears did come, full bore.  i'm just so sorry we, any of us, have to go thru this crapola.   i once talked to my hub about this concept, asked him if he didn't gather his children in when he saw them in distress.   his eyes were blank about it.  he didn't know, probably because he'd never been gathered in himself.

this morning i was feeling very bad, sick, frustrated, so small and alone, hopeless.  so tired of being sick, wishing it would somehow be done with.  i didn't feel strong at all, spent much of the day in bed.  i'd been awakened by a nightmare at about 3 in the a.m. and was just very messy afterward.  a dream about me dreaming a nightmare.   today it felt like i was living one.

i thought about my little me, comforting her, telling her everything would be all right, that i'd take care of her, but it seemed false.  my adult me is supposed to be saying this to her, but my adult me is the one who is scared, dependent, not knowing what is going to become of me.  i'm the one who is struggling to hang on right now, and she is only along for the ride.

another week till my doc and beh. psych appts.  i can't even imagine how either one is going to go.  stress management.  that seems like an impossibility to me, mainly because the stress keeps blindsiding me.  i've run as far as i can from stressful situations, eliminated the stressful people from my life, and they insert themselves somehow, from others who i thought had eliminated them as well. (my bro). 

i know i can only put one foot in front of the other, just continue getting from day to day.  thank you god that wimbledon is going on and is helping to keep me distracted.  writing here does the same.  just give me the strength to get thru another day. 

[Candid]

Sounds like a time to visualize the sparkly little girl you once were, gather her in, and when she quietens down listen to the wisdom she had then. She didn't come here to be kicked around by anyone; she came here to love and to play.

I'll keep this short because you don't need words right now, you need feelings. Yours and hers.

[Elphanigh]

I wish I could help comfort both you and little you. It sounds like you need a peaceful day away from all the stress. I like Candid see that you need warm feelings and not words. Know that I am sending you a warm comforting hug, to help keep you safe and shield you from the stress, if even for a little while

[Blueberry]

i thought about my little me, comforting her, telling her everything would be all right, that i'd take care of her, but it seemed false.  my adult me is supposed to be saying this to her, but my adult me is the one who is scared, dependent, not knowing what is going to become of me.  i'm the one who is struggling to hang on right now, and she is only along for the ride.

san, I can so relate. I used to feel like this too. Sometimes even as if some of my little Blueberries, esp. 4 year old and 6 year old were supporting me the Adult. That's not actually a bad thing. Our Inner Children hold strengths we may not be aware of and which we can tap.
I'm sending you  to strengthen and calm you and any little ones along for the ride.

[sanmagic7]

you all are the best.  can't say much now cuz i'm feeling what you're offering.  love you all, hugs right back.

[Candid]

Let the tears come, little one. You're safe now.

[asyouwish]

 

[sanmagic7]

got an email about my lab tests and the doc's comments.  basically, all the tests are fine, nothing but lose weight, eat different, and exercise.  yeah, that should cure what ails me.

for over 30 yrs., it's been exactly the same.  so why do i feel so crappy?  why do i lose the ability to move my legs normally when i've experienced stress?  why do i feel like i'm getting the flu about 85?% of the time?   i knew it's what was going to happen.  my appt. is fri., along w/ the psych for stress mgt.  how do i manage stress when the smallest yoga stretches are painful?  that just brings on more stress.  how can i take a walk when i need to be within 3 ft. of a bathroom?  more stress.

i know i'm going all over the place with this.  even breathing (forgive me wife2) is frustrating.  mindful breathing, i focus on my breathing, breathe in 3 counts, breathe out 5 counts, breathe in, breathe out, and suddenly i catch myself in the middle of some other thoughts that i don't even know how long i'd been thinking them, don't remember how i forgot to be focused on my breathing.  don't remember when it happened.  suddenly, i'm just in this whole other place and i don't know how i got there.

is this dissociation?  depersonalization?  i'm beginning to think that i've been going thru that most of my life, just not aware of it.  not aware of so much.  dang, my head hurts.  time to kill some zombies.  i feel like i'm on the verge of insanity.  working real hard to hold it together. 

i just wish they'd find out what's wrong with me, so i could have some understanding.  i don't even care anymore if it's not fixable, just so i know.  i can live sanely with that.  ugh.

[Candid]

I know how disappointing it is to have doctors tell you there's nothing wrong while you're feeling like *. Don't know how many times I've gone to an appointment thinking they'll find some whopping great tumour or a particularly virulent blood disease, then being gutted when they say everything's normal.

As you know, your own instincts are your best guide. Do what feels right moment by moment. We're all rooting for you.

[Three Roses]

Standing with you, San.

[Elphanigh]

I am right here with you San. I am so sorry that they are not coming up with anything that will help you. 

[Wife#2]

I wish I could help you with all of this San. Just know that I'm around, I'm listening, I care - actually, I love you as my sister.

I want to wrap you in a blanket of peace somehow. Just one special blanket, that you can use when the world needs to just shut up and go away so you can rest. That includes the world inside that is very unruly and won't listen to shut up when it is the noisiest thing around! The blanket will be on the healing porch for you, it's draped over that rocking chair. I've laid it out so that you can sit and with one movement, draw up both sides and be instantly wrapped in peace. The games are all set up on different tables around the porch (it extends around the side of the house behind the photo.

Because it is our healing porch, that blanket of peace is draped over whatever chair or swing you approach.

It's not a heavy blanket, just heavy enough to shut out the rest of the world for a while.

This peace is a gift I want to give, this soul rest, this mind settlement. If the healing porch helps, I'm grateful. Yes, grateful. HUGE, gentle hugs to you.

[sanmagic7]

crying right now.  i thought of you all on my walk today.  you are right with me, i know, and i'm so glad about that.  you're absolutely the best, and i can't thank you enough.  once again, i have you surrounding me.  man, i've used you a lot in the past few months.  you've never let me down.

that blanket sounds beautiful.  i'm going to watch tennis now, eat and relax with that image.  i also love that you wrote about your healing porch in your signature, wife2.  that is so cool!  it is the best place in the world.

when beginning emdr with a client we ask if they can imagine a safe or calm place that they can go to in their minds if things/emotions get overwhelming.  this porch, this wonderful porch, is my choice.  i can't imagine anything more soothing, playful, comforting and healing than this porch.  thank you so much for that first invitation to sit and have a cold one with you.  you didn't know what you started, and look how it's grown, how it's helped us.  we have become a family on this porch.  i've never experienced anything like it.

now to relax.  i need to stop for a bit.  love to you all, always.  with tons of gratitude.

[Elphanigh]

San, I am so glad you find comfort in all of us being there with you. I will always be here for that.

I am also in emdr and have started using the porch as well. It is easier to use than anything else I have tried. Thank you Wife two and San for inviting me in to that image when I needed it. You are both so amazing

[Wife#2]

Each of you mean more to me than anyone outside of my FOC and a few close friends. Each of you have been there for me, as well. This is why I'm grateful.

Grateful to have you all in my life. Grateful to have this forum where we can and do connect. Grateful for our healing porch and the camaraderie we all feel when we 'visit' it. We are sisters and brothers of the soul. Those who have a heart for others help us much, but we who travel this unique journey are able to buoy each other in equally unique ways.

The porch did surprise me, how it's taken off. I think often to the porch that played a big part in my childhood. It's why the avatar image is so ... I don't know... RIGHT! The imagery of a porch, of us sitting in our own spaces, some talking, some reading, some listening to music, each of us able to be alone when needed, but together when needed, ready at a word to support whomever needs supporting. That is powerful. That is healing. That is beautiful. And that it has helped anyone else is the most rewarding part of all.

More huge, gentle hugs for everyone. For my heart-sisters and brothers. Being allowed to reach out to each of you has also been healing to me!