let the healing begin

[CherryBlossom]

Hi - coming into this post late, as I'm new to the forum but I'm curious if you would like to share how your move went/is going?
Thinking of you.  C

[Candid]

I'm a regular visitor to the porch, too. It's nice that I'm never alone there.

[Blueberry]

got an email about my lab tests and the doc's comments.  basically, all the tests are fine, nothing but lose weight, eat different, and exercise.  yeah, that should cure what ails me.

i just wish they'd find out what's wrong with me, so i could have some understanding.  i don't even care anymore if it's not fixable, just so i know.  i can live sanely with that.  ugh.

San, I'm really sorry after all your hopes of better progress physically and better medical care where you are now that the tests are still coming through as if you have normal physical health and the doctors come up with less than useful suggestions like lose weight, exercise more, eat better. Yada, yada. I've heard all those kinds of non-useful suggestions before so I really feel for you and am standing with you and sending    some of those big wrap-around hugs.

I also know the longing for the docs to find what's really wrong. I'm lucky in that with most things, eventually reasons were found - mostly psychosomatic pains and my body reacting in other physical ways to show me I had to slow down or do something different. I also remember asking: I've slowed down my life so much, how else can I slow further?? But there was no answer to that. I've had to find my own answer with time.

for over 30 yrs., it's been exactly the same.  so why do i feel so crappy?  why do i lose the ability to move my legs normally when i've experienced stress?  why do i feel like i'm getting the flu about 85?% of the time?   i knew it's what was going to happen.  my appt. is fri., along w/ the psych for stress mgt.  how do i manage stress when the smallest yoga stretches are painful?  that just brings on more stress.  how can i take a walk when i need to be within 3 ft. of a bathroom?  more stress.

I hear you and am sending more 

i know i'm going all over the place with this.  even breathing (forgive me wife2) is frustrating.  mindful breathing, i focus on my breathing, breathe in 3 counts, breathe out 5 counts, breathe in, breathe out, and suddenly i catch myself in the middle of some other thoughts that i don't even know how long i'd been thinking them, don't remember how i forgot to be focused on my breathing.  don't remember when it happened.  suddenly, i'm just in this whole other place and i don't know how i got there.

I do this a lot too when supposedly concentrating on my breathing. Sometimes when sitting here writing on the forum I remind myself to breathe, and even write that (!I but it's just for a few seconds, but otherwise I tend to re-ground my doing something physical like stamping my feet on the ground or patting my upper chest or stroking my arms with a bit of pressure. This is all what my T has been working with me on for months now so I can work on stuff in therapy and outside therapy on my own and not dissociate. It's got a lot better. Breathing is good for a lot of people with CPTSD, but not so much for me. Maybe it isn't the right method for you either, or at least not all the time?

is this dissociation?  depersonalization?  i'm beginning to think that i've been going thru that most of my life, just not aware of it.  ...  time to kill some zombies.  i feel like i'm on the verge of insanity.  working real hard to hold it together. 

Time to come to the porch where there is a blanket called Just Be For A While. We're all there accepting you as you are and by our very physical presence keeping you back from the verge of insanity, and ourselves too. There is strength and resilience in numbers. 

[sanmagic7]

candid and blueberry, a huge thank you for all your support.  yes, the porch.  i've now begun gardens there, and i've thought of them on my walk, and they brought a sense of peace to me.  so glad you reminded me.  i need to keep them at the forefront of my mind. 

i'm bringing info on alexithymia to my appts. on fri.  lots of stuff about how alexithymia is linked to physical problems like fibromyalgia and intestinal problems.  if one can't identify the feelings, it's all just a tangle of disturbance, and stays in the body.  one passage also says something about how it often causes a myriad of physical complaints and disorders without anything biochemical showing up as out of whack.  that's it exactly!

the lab tests show nothing untoward with how my systems are operating, yet something is not functioning correctly.  i thought of my restless legs syndrome, diagnosed thru a sleep testing 20-some years ago, and given meds to calm them.  well, as i was researching rls, it said that it's caused by a brain malfunction sending out incorrect messages to the legs.  there is a reason for all this.  it's just that no one has looked in the right place - my head!

this is my last fight for validation, for getting a doc to look and see where the true source of these physical manifestations come from.   it's not because i'm overweight, or i don't manage stress well, or don't get enough exercise.  it's (i'm convinced) because my brain has been damaged by unrelenting trauma over the course of my life.

i don't know if there's anything that can fix that - for various reasons (none of them being epilepsy) i've had 4 different epilepsy meds., something that was supposed to calm my brain.  none of them worked, but made things worse.  just to know what's behind all this, even if there's nothing to do about it - i can live peacefully with that.  it's the not knowing that's the bummer.

cherryblossom, the move has not been without it's own ups and downs.  the motivating force was a bloomer my husband pulled that put my finances in jeopardy - he went behind my back to work a hair-brained scheme that backfired appallingly - but it was what i needed to get out of there. 

getting out of mexico, finding rides (ex-hub #1 came to my rescue in a big way - a better ex than a hub) to get to where my daughter lives, having to live with her and her 2 roomies (brothers) for 2 weeks which i know interrupted their whole lifestyle, routine, etc., looking for an affordable place to live (couldn't afford an apt., so i'm living in another woman's house along with 3 other people), having to leave my car/independence behind and there is no public transportation w/in walking distance.

then, setting up the doc appts., dealing with soc. sec., all that crapola - it has been 2 months of non-stop stress, and my body showed it.  got bronchitis, could barely walk (my legs don't function properly when i get very stressed), and 6 straight weeks of the runs.  it's been difficult at best.  plus, my daughter's been out of commission, and i rely on her for rides to where i need to go.

however, things are settling down, this house is like a bed and breakfast, reasonable rent with all the amenities, quiet, no one is bothersome, peaceful, and a grocery store is within walking distance - i'm finally able to walk to it, so that's a big plus, and something i don't have to worry my daughter about.  this is actually exactly the place and space i needed.  it must have known and was waiting for me.  the owner said the same thing.

my hub and i are still together in spirit, but many, many worries are gone.  we're still in love, and the distance has stopped the incessant bickering that we'd fallen into.  he's been very supportive and loving, which has been a blessing.  all in all, i don't regret the move for a minute.  i don't even miss mexico, altho it was where my heart led me when i couldn't take what was going on anymore nearly 16 yrs. ago.  my heart is now with me, wherever i am. 

this is where i need to be.  a lot of people helped me get here, and to them i am forever grateful.  if i have a chance of healing, it's here, or at least where my daughter is, no matter where that might be.  right now, tho, all of that is very good.  thanks for your thoughts, cherryblossom.

so, off to the porch to check on the gardens, put a flower in my hair, sit in my rocker with that lovely blanket wrapped around me.  perfect.  couldn't be better. 

[sanmagic7]

i just had to write this down.  last nite as i was watching agt, a 13-yr. old girl sand 'i'll stand by you'.  suddenly, i actually felt the love and care of the people in my life - my hub and daughter, but also all of you.  i felt loved, i felt cared about, i felt the feeling of not being alone, not having to do this all on my own, that you all are with me.  it felt like a miracle.

i am convinced this happened because in the past year i have been bombarded with all this kindness, all this caring, a lava flow of love and affection that has not stopped no matter how messy i've gotten, how imperfect, how flawed.  you all have kept it coming at me, you've never wavered, you showed me unconditional acceptance.  even my living space has provided this.

to feel this for the first time (except perhaps when i was very young and being rocked to sleep by my dad on a few occasions) brought a sense of peace to me that i've never felt before.  suddenly, all my worries about the doc and the psych. melted away.  it didn't matter what they say,  i already know.

i know what my body does, i know what it needs, i know it's reactions and history.  they don't know jack, except what some lab tests tell them.  i'm still arming myself with info when i go fri., but i'm not anxious about it anymore.   everything became clear instead of muddy.

i imagined myself on the healing porch with everyone, and i could feel being there, having everyone there, enjoying everyone and myself, puttering in the garden.  i felt lighter, somehow, and began giggling at the dumb jokes.  i felt it all. 

i hope this isn't a one trick pony.  it's still there today.  thanks to all of you for being you.  thanks to my daughter who has always been kind to me, even when no one else was.  thanks to my hub for loving me still.  thanks to all my friends and family for their help in getting me here.  i feel it all. 

someone posted about how healing comes about, what people have done to bring it home.  i responded that much of my healing has to do with being part of this forum.  last night was living proof.  i am smiling, twirling, my diaphanous  skirt floating around my legs, no shoes, flowers in my hair, eyes sparkling.  i am a flower child once again.  i feel happy.  this is so strange!

[Wife#2]

 

I'll dance with you! I'm two souls in one - the practical mathematician and the gypsy free spirit. Today, gypsy wants to be in the lead. Dancing a mix of modern dance, ballet and some movements that just feel right. Watching our skirts flow, floating as we spin.

You are an Earth Mother soul, San. Embrace that. Earth is as capable of weathering and surviving hurricanes as she is capable of birthing new islands and allowing the gravity of the moon to gently tug her oceans and lakes to form the waves we find so peaceful. 

[clarity]

San how absolutely beautiful!!!

It is so important to read about the breakthroughs, it is so uplifting and encouraging...thankyou for sharing!
I'm v new here as you know, but this forum has already astonished me, and made a HUGE difference.

May this feeling for you.. last and last ..... for EVER!!!   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, clarity.  i don't doubt you'll get to a lovely place in your feelings one day as well.  this place is amazing.

today's the doc and the beh. psych.  i feel much stronger today than i thought i would.   i will request a referral to a neurologist, i'll have all my info to pass on to both of them about trauma/alexithymia and the damaging of the brain, and i will get this done. 

i'll report back how it goes.  you all have given me the gift of life as i've never known it before.  time to get ready.

[Elphanigh]

Good luck today! I am here rooting for you through those appointments  It has been so glad to read about you feeling a bit stronger. I hope it goes well

[Wife#2]

Thinking of you today! I hope all goes well or at least well enough that you are not upset.

[sanmagic7]

i'm exhausted, so this will be short.  both appts. went well.  the psych., after telling her a bit about what's been going on said, 'i think this is way beyond stress mgt.'  i said 'thank you,' and she gave me a list of possible people to see for a neurology testing, and trauma therapy.  the doc said that losing my legs like i do is something odd enough to warrant an mri, and she's putting it thru  medicare to see if they'll cover it.  so, the wheels are turning, and it feels like 'finally'. 

thank you all.  i know you're with me.  i told my daughter about the porch today, she thought it was an absolutely wonderful concept and image.  then she said that moving here was her porch.  just wanted to let you know that the porch is making the rounds, each to their needs.  my hub also loves the idea, and he's got one just for him and me.  wife2, who'd a thunk it!!!  it's a brilliant metaphor to calm and soothe and feel close to even more people than here.  lovin' it. 

[Elphanigh]

San, I am so glad to hear the wheels are finally spinning. It sounds like you got some much needed validation and understanding from those appointments. I am so proud of you for standing up for what you need, and making sure to communicate everything with them. 

Get some much deserved rest, my friend

[Blueberry]

  What Elphanigh wrote

to you san!

[sanmagic7]

thanks to you both, elphanigh and blueberry.  i'm very tired today, so have been pretty low key.

i was responding on another thread about core beliefs about ourselves, when i discovered one that had been lurking inside me.  i cry at kindnesses toward me because i don't believe i am worth the time or energy of them from someone.  i am rather stunned right now at this.  i thought those tears were for another reason, and maybe they're for that as well, but this has me floored for the nonce.

will be leaving here to ponder this, maybe to be able to turn it around eventually so that i can feel the goodness of someone being kind to me instead of the sadness of not having much of it in my life.  big sigh.  whack a mole.

[Candid]

i cry at kindnesses toward me because i don't believe i am worth the time or energy of them from someone. 

My mind rejects perceptions of kindness from others, always looks for another reason someone did something good for me while immediately asking myself what I can do in return so as not to incur a 'debt'. I also have a way of inverting compliments. If someone tells me I look good, I think I must look more than usually windblown and as if I need boosting.