let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

these mind tricks of ours, candid.  dang!

pondering this belief i had been holding beneath my exterior of i'm just fine, i'm more than fine, (and in the past, that i was perfect.  i did believe that because i had to), and i know i've explored some of this before, but i think this went to a deeper level. 

my defense mechanism has been to not show any of the 'baser' emotions, but always be patient, observant, and understanding, always make excuses for the foibles of others while not allowing myself to fall into the same cracks.   of course, my alexithymia helped me do this.  i wasn't afraid to tackle anything, even my own stuff, and i couldn't understand that fear in others, had no compassion for them, and expected compliments and kindnesses because i was always giving them out, was always doing the 'right' thing, so i was due them.

but i could never take them into my heart.  i expected them from others because my expectations for myself were so high.  i expected them, superficially acknowledged them, but never gave them a second thought because i was always looking for the next one.  i was a bottomless pit of wanting. 

so i never got enough, never recognized any of it because it was always overshadowed by what else i was getting from the people closest to me, which was the opposite of kindness.  i took it all in stride, never got mad, just began getting confused.  and eventually, sick.

i thought it was my job to put up with what people were dishing out to me.  my job.  that's what made me believe i had a lot of self-worth.  i did my job and i did it well.  i was great in my own eyes, didn't feel all these things i read about here that others struggle with.  i had flipped the tortilla, had a very strong persona to the point that people were (and sometimes still are) intimidated by me.  i was always the 5-star general leading the troops, giving commands, unaware of others' feelings or misgivings.  i was always sure of myself.

so, as the real me begins peeking her head out from under this take-no-prisoners tortilla, i'm finding truths about me that have been hidden for so long.  i admitted to my daughter that i'm not going to renew my dr. lic. next year cuz i'm scared to drive here.  she gave me an out - well, mom, that's understandable.  you've been driving in a small town for 15 yrs.  no freeways or any type of traffic, per se.

that was nice, but the truth is that i don't trust myself to be able to be safe on the road.  my neck is so stiff that i don't think i can turn it quickly enough to see what's coming.  i've driven umpteen thousand miles on my own, always loving being on the road, and now i'm scared to drive.  that's a tough one for me.

i'm not who i was, and it's not just cuz of age.  it's becoming a better version of me, but that in itself is frightening.  those core beliefs that i'm above and better than everybody else are crumbling.  i'm only another human being after all, average. 

average was never allowed me while i was growing up.  i had the intelligence, so i was expected to be better at grades than everyone else,  i pretty much was.  13th out of over 3000 kids in my class.  i had a superiority complex ingrained in me, and i lived it really well.

as i continue learning about myself, i'm pretty good at some things, but i'm not all that.  even as i write that, i don't want to fully believe it.  that's how insidious this training is that we've experienced.   brainwashed, and hung out to dry.  so what if parts are stunted because of it - we're still expected to act and think and make decisions as if everything had always been in place.

then we get down on ourselves for not being perfect, for not knowing all the answers, for having made mistakes, for surviving.  that brought some unshed tears behind my eyes.  so much pain might have been avoided had i not survived, not only to myself, but for my daughters and others.  this sucks.  i don't want to be real.  it's too hard.

[sanmagic7]

have had a long, difficult week, very emotional and overwhelming on one hand, and now i have some issues that must be discussed with my daughter.  more later, but it involves being shushed (she's not the only one who's done that) and something about her perception of me being a horrible person to others when i get upset or angry over something they do.  i've got to take a nap now, but later i'll write more.  i need some opinions on these.  gotta sleep now, tho.  just had to put this down, get it started.  more later.

[Elphanigh]

Get some much needed sleep dear friend. *hugs*

[Blueberry]

  to you san!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, e and b.  i feel better, still a bit dragged out, but should be ok tomorrow.

anyway, sitting in waiting rooms, and i'm speaking quietly (so i think), editorializing on the people i'm seeing around me, both pos. and neg.  or talking about some controversial subject to whoever i'm sitting with, and suddenly they're shushing me.  no one near us has turned a head or given me a dirty look or said anything because they've heard me, yet i'm being shushed.  my daughter is the latest to do that, my hub has done that many, many times.

i don't mean to be mean or nasty, but i'll say something about a trendy thing i don't like or that i like or don't like someone's hair or clothes cuz of a personal preference - it's the same stuff i'd be saying in my head if i were sitting alone.  when i'm with someone else, i'm just sharing, thinking i'm going to get agreement or discussion or the other's preference or something conversational.  instead, i'm getting shushed.

i don't know if this is because they're embarrassed by me (altho i don't know what they have to be embarrassed about.  they're not doing anything), or if they're afraid that someone will say something and bring some kind of neg. attention in our direction (which i would immediately apologize for - i really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings). or if they're afraid they're going to be 'tainted' somehow because they're sitting next to this big-mouthed old lady.

i know i'll have to talk to my daughter about it, find out what's going on with it.  the other thing she's done is admonished me for calling a person some kind of silly name or said something like i'm talking to someone who's in the parking lot and we're in the car.  example.  yesterday, end of the long day, and we're backing up in the parking lot to go home.  some guy is walking behind the car, and my d puts on the breaks pretty abruptly.  i yell out 'ow' cuz my back is killing me by now, and she said that this guy decided to be behind the car.

so, i said 'numbnuts' while looking down.  he couldn't possibly have heard me, and it's a silly name (to me) but she immediately said 'no he's not.  he was just there.'  i said 'well, just cuz i called him that, doesn't mean he is one' and she shot back while looking me straight in the face 'if i say you gritch it's because i think you are one.' 

my brain was wobbling by then, and i reiterated that he couldn't hear me, i didn't confront him, that i'm really a nice person, that i was lashing out cuz of the pain.  we pulled up to where i live and that was that.  but this isn't the first time this kind of thing or the shushing has happened, and i'm getting ready to not speak anymore when i'm in public with her.  better that then eggshells, trying to figure out what might be offensive to her or not.

maybe it was cuz it was the end of the day, but this has happened other times when it wasn't that kind of situation.  in a doc's office in mexico, my hub got very upset because of how i was speaking to the doc, trying to get my point across.  when the appt. was over, he left quickly, while i stayed back, apologized to the doc.  he didn't hear that part, and was surprised when i told him i'd done that.

i know i'm not the sweet, shiny, smiley type, never have been.  i like to play with words, can have a dark sense of humor, and like to play and have fun with people.  however, i'm not afraid to confront someone.  i'm trying to figure out where this may have come from with my d.  it may be from her dad and our family dynamic.

i was consistently set up to be the bad guy in our family, while he took a pass at making decisions or doing anything that looked like it might come from him.  he was scared of me, i know that, tho i never raised my voice to him, never got angry, was always patient and understanding, talked things out with him, was reasonable in our discussions.

in the meantime, if i confronted him on something, always in the ways i mentioned, and he made a change, our daughters saw it as me 'making' him do it.  this was never the case.  they would complain to me about him, and when i asked if they wanted me to say something to him, they'd plead with me not to.

i am strong, have a strong personality, am loud, laugh out loud, love to joke and jest, and am generous (sometimes to a fault, certainly to her and her roomies) but somehow this has gotten twisted into a thing where she has to watch me carefully in order to protect others from me.  i don't understand why she hasn't gotten to know me, the real me, by now.  i don't understand these blinders she's wearing, unless they're left over from being with her father and how he handled things in our house.

so, i ask anyone who cares to jump in, what am i doing that's so wrong?  if i'm wrong, i'll stop, apologize to her, change my ways somehow.  i remember an incident with a friend who i went to visit.  i got off the bus, got a big grin on my face (i'd just rode 48 hrs.), and dropped the f-bomb about how glad i was to see her.  i didn't realize it, but there were some amish people sitting in the area.  oooops!!!

my girlfriend pointed them out to me, and we both started laughing.  i mean, i wasn't saying it to them or about them, and probably made them stronger in their convictions that we who are outside their community are well worth the effort to stay away from.  but i don't think i harmed anyone, and there were no children present, and we've told that story over and over.

am i way off base here?  i know i don't always go by standard conventions, and i don't much care what people i don't know say about me if i'm wearing something funky or weird or unconventional (i just figure if they've got nothing else going in their lives, i've given them something to talk about), but i never intend to hurt anyone with what i say, and i will keep my voice way down if i'm saying something that might be offensive. 

but, a lot of this stuff doesn't seem so serious to me, seems like something we could laugh about.  maybe i'm all wrong and i don't know it.  that's why, if anyone wants to weigh in here, feel free.  my d also knows i don't care much about what i think is petty stuff.  is that a bad attitude to have?  i'm lost here right now, but it felt good to get it out.  i'm a little scared, tho, about what anyone might say.  dang, if i'm all wrong, ugh!  another big change to make, or just keep quiet.  so be it.  thanks.

[Candid]

I do the same thing, usually but not always out of earshot. I don't know which is more strident, the inner critic or the outer, because the inner critic's stuff is mostly subliminal whereas the outer critic just opens her mouth and out it comes. I suspect they say similar things, and that I criticise in others the things I know I have in myself.

I believe the outer critic will disappear if I make the inner critic conscious and start challenging what it says about me.

You're under a lot of stress, san. Take good care of yourself. 

[clarity]

San 

I'd like to raise a glass to toast your glorious potty mouth !!!  Seriously... I say that with absolute sincerity and even passion. NO!! to censorship, NO!! to you not expressing yourself, and NO!!   to allowing others to throw down their eggshells in your path.  Stomp on those eggshells until they are fine sand you can walk barefoot on and be free.

You are YOU!! Unique and one day irrepressible...my vision for you and for us all is a new ability to know the freedom that is our birthright as human beings. There is no shortage of space for us, save in our own fearful perceptions...there we feel so cramped, so restricted. We are slaves in chains if we allow this to continue..

I sound over the top! But my convictions about this are so strong! 

Raising my glass again for every numbnuts comment you have ever made.... it makes me laugh, glorious, belly laughs... I relish your humour and your understandings of how ridiculous it all is....how stupidly seriously they all take it when all we ask for and hope for is our freedom of expression!!!! 

Go San....  never EVER apologise for being you.... 

PS.  Internalise all this and then be wise and smart...and if you choose to stay quiet as I sometimes do now, know it is your choice, you have the power and shout the words outloud inside!! That can be such fun.... 

[clarity]

Please excuse my overbearing post San.... I need to look at the way I put things across sometimes... too preachy but I hope you got the gist of it under there!    

[Candid]

I enjoyed it, myself.

Go San clarity....  never EVER apologise for being you.... 

[clarity]

Haha Candid thanks I fell for that one didnt I ?!!! 

[Wife#2]

San, this post helped me in a way. I'm like your daughter, my husband is like you. He has a free mouth and very vocal opinions. I feel deep shame and fear that someone will hear the negative stuff and judge me and him (notice I put myself first?) if they hear it.

Sometimes, what he says is pretty provocative - and that's very deliberate. He's just making observations based on his life experience. He's not wrong (I often agree but would NEVER DREAM of saying it out loud). As in the case of your name for the parking lot walker. Though he can be offensive and it would be if the other person heard him.

My issues with that are: He's teaching our son to speak his mind without filter - in our area and the school he attends, that is not a safe thing for a smart-to-nerdy fellow to do. He's also teaching our son to be very judgmental of others. Our son doesn't understand that hubby isn't intending to be insulting or judgmental, just provocative. Also, hubby is louder than he realizes - his hearing is slowly going bad.

When he insults the panhandler on the street and our windows are open, I'm mortified. Even if I agree with hubby, I get embarrassed and sometimes angry with him for saying it so loud! Especially in front of our son.

Over time, hubby and I have tried to work that out. He tries to not call me too sensitive (something I hate) and I try to stay calm. One of the things that helps is when he laughs and says, 'That was wrong, wasn't it?'. I'll answer, 'Yes, but it's still true!'. If I disagree with his assessment, I'll answer, 'Yes. That was wrong, even cruel. But, funny'.

This has helped me calm down, not get so angry and to realize that hubby is who hubby is. I haven't had his life experience, I can't judge his judgments. I do wish he'd be quieter when expressing them in public. He realizes that I'm hurt when I think he's embarrassing me and more hurt if he calls me sensitive for feeling hurt. He tries to be quieter or wait until we get where he knows they won't hear him to express that 'zinger'. It's working for both of us. And I no longer 'shush' him just for having opinions.

[Three Roses]

As one loudmouth to another....

I'm all for self expression and frequently indulge myself, much to the chagrin of my family and friends. But I think we do need to be mindful of not engaging in behavior that we know to be triggering to those we love.

I liken it to not wearing a certain perfume that I know a friend is allergic to, or behaving in a respectful way to people from other cultures. (Never eat with your left hand in India.)

If I'm out with a friend or family member who reportedly behaves in ways I find disturbing, and I've repeatedly talked to them about it, chances are I will curtail my activities with them. This too is out of respect for them and their freedom of self-expression, but I need not expose myself to uncomfortable situations just because I recognize their autonomy.

[sanmagic7]

i thank you all very much.  i get it, all of it.  no, i won't censor myself, but, yes, i will be mindful so that i don't make my d uncomfortable.  i'll still have to talk with her, tho.  the numnuts and gritch comments are actually two different things.  i wasn't saying that to his face, but definitely out of earshot.  whereas, she was saying it to my face, and i see that as completely different.

candid, thanks for the reminder about the stress.  that may have been underlying everything that day, because it was stressful for her, too.  lots of things got changed even as we were driving, and she doesn't do well with that.  i need to keep that in mind.  she has anxiety and feeling out-of-control problems, so even missing an exit can be disturbing for her.  i have to admit, i didn't quite understand your point about the inner and outer critics, but i've never understood that well.  i never had much of an inner critic, and never really got to know what an outer critic means.  i guess i'll have to look that up.

clarity, your post (before you apologized for being you - lol!) filled me up in a good way, so thank you very much for that.  no, i won't lose my potty mouth - it's too much a part of me now.  besides, i love it!

wife2, i get it about the whole kid thing.  i agree with you on that.  i didn't swear or call names when my girls were little, and i don't do that if kids are around to hear me.  my d is 36, so she's full-grown and has been making her own decisions on how to be for a long time now.  she's just a lot more conservative in some ways than i am.   but, i don't want to hurt her.  i just wish she wasn't so serious about this stuff.  i guess that comes under the heading of 'trying to change her' and i need to stop that.  thanks.

3 roses, yep, i hear ya loud and clear.  you're absolutely right about the respect thing.  and i don't want her to stop wanting to be around me cuz i make her uncomfortable too often. 

a grateful thank you to everyone.  you all made sense, and gave me opinions that i can live with.  beautiful!  you're all beautiful, inside and out.

[Candid]

i didn't quite understand your point about the inner and outer critics, but i've never understood that well.  i never had much of an inner critic, and never really got to know what an outer critic means.

The inner critic is the one who keeps up a steady background burble of what your parents or significant others said about you. You may not have one. Mine is relentless. You're a piece of shlt. What right have you got to breathe air? Get out of my sight. No wonder no one likes you etc. I don't hear mine as a voice; it would be much easier if I did. I 'just' act on it. Ugh.

The outer critic sees fault in everyone and everything. Nothing's so good that it can't be torn down for one perceived fault. It attacks others virtually all the time. It embodies all the hurt and rage we feel.

The two go hand-in-hand, obviously. It's hard to think well of others when we don't think well of ourselves. It's hard to think well of ourselves when we know we don't think well of others.

Some pertinent sayings:
We treat ourselves as we believe we deserve to be treated.
We treat others as we treat ourselves.
The world will treat us as we treat ourselves.

That's how I see it, anyway.

[Elphanigh]

I know this is off topic Candid.. but my IC and OC act differently as far as one going along with the other so strongly. I have a super bad inner critic, all of the time. It is so consistent and strong.. However, my outer critic isn't strong. I will believe the best of a person until it is proven too many times over that they aren't good. My outer critic almost doesn't exist, and my inner critic runs rampant.