let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

thank you, wife2.  you are a dear and darling friend. 

i've taken to heart all your suggestions.  i love the 'healing in progress' doorknob hanger - that's precious!   i am able to shut my door on days when i just need to be alone, and she's ok with that.  i think that pressure i feel to live up to her standards comes from my mom's spotless house.  you'd never be able to tell that 3 kids lived there.

so, with your words in my heart, i will ease that pressure and do what i can when i can.  i have to admit, for the first time out loud, that i will sometimes feel like a little kid trying to please mom.  since i started walking again, she'll ask me nearly every day if i took a walk that morning.  i can tell it's a question that she may mean as encouragement, but it feels like pressure.  (she's very active, watches her weight, eats 'right', pretty perfect looking.  comments on the junk food that others in the house might eat, or how much weight they need to lose)

she's an admitted perfectionist, and in such matters i'm anything but that.  same age.  i think she's obsessively clean, which i'm not.  the others aren't either, more so than me.  from what she's told me of her upbringing, i understand.  she complains about them, then goes and does it for them.  i have to put a big 'whatever' on that.  she wants her house spotless.

so, i thank you for the blanket, and will wrap it around me lovingly.  take a deep breath, and let her crapola go.   it just kind of unnerves me to have someone so much in my business, almost like keeping track of me and what i'm doing, all the time.   i'm too independent for that to set easily on me.

you're wonderful, wife2, have i told you that lately?  what a kind and giving friend.  i'm blessed to have you in my life.  thank you.

[Wife#2]

Forgive me, but I had to laugh a bit. You both are the same age. When she strives for spotless, you feel pressure. I think she's 'feeling the pressure' as well. You are both from a generation when women who were in the home were expected to keep it SPOTLESS. Think back to childhood summers - how much time did you spend either outside, in your room or helping Mom clean up? How many times did you tell yourself that you would NEVER treat your children that way? Well, your landlady came to the conclusion that having a spotless house is it's own reward (my suspicion). You (and I) did not.

The laughter comes from recognition of that pressure. I used to feel it, but my depression won. Then, when the depression started to lift, I ran across the statement (author unknown to me), that nobody will remember if my home was spotless, but they will remember how they felt when they visited. To me, that meant, make my home inviting (in a way that plastic on the furniture can't do - Aunt Meanie). Tidy accomplishes inviting. Spotless feels like I have to vacuum after ever step because the carpet would lose it's back/forth paths. No thank you!

Another way to help you laugh - think of the realities of the 'perfect housewife' or 'perfect mother' that showed when the masks slipped:
1) Moms in the 50's felt the pressure of keeping spotless homes and perfect children. Enter Mommy's little helper.
2) It's been 60 years and many still need Mommy's little helper to cope with the pressures.
3) Spanking was legal, they could even let the schools do it for them!
4) Overheard in a grocer store line: 'Junior, with all love and respect, stop that now or face the spanking when we get home'.
5) In the 70's, the wonderful hippie culture gave us the idea that we'd rather than have happy kids than perfect homes. PERMISSION to not be PERFECT!
6) It's now considered 'uptight' to be so concerned about a little dust on the picture frames. Or to put plastic on the furniture.
7) Even Martha Stewart had to have help. She had a production staff for her magazine and tv show. We'd all look perfect with a personal assistant, makeup artist, hair stylist, personal trainer, maid, cook, groundskeeper and lighting specialist!
Even Martha Stewart ended up divorced.
9) We still love the idea of Julia Child because she was a real woman - who enjoyed people and food and drink. The flaws showed and we loved her for that.

So, the next time that pressure wells up to think that you aren't doing enough to help around the house, think of Martha Stewart. You are 'paying' to have that done for you. Your rent frees up your landlady to be able to be home, dusting, sweeping and shaking out curtains. Close the door and enjoy your little piece of chaotic comfort.

[sanmagic7]

a smile both on my face and in my heart, wife2.  never a domestic goddess have i been (and martha stewart ended up in jail as well!), and never do i want to be.  i also heard that creative minds enjoy clutter around them.  i'll just say i have a creative mind - lol!!!

i am feeling the enormity of what i've done, i think.  feeling lost, alone, unsure.  i think i've been on auto-pilot up till now, just doing things blindly, by rote.  yesterday i got the first of what will be, i'm sure, a myriad of doc bills.  and so it begins.  no wonder i've been weepy, even watching rerun sitcoms at night. 

and, last night my hub was sposed to call me, but the time came and went and nothing.  i kept emailing him asking where he was, no answer.  so i began to get worried.  he's been really down, no money coming in cuz it's summer and there are no tourists and he's on commission, and has bills and bank loans, and i got scared.  i realized then that i could not bear another loss in my life.  there have already been too many, including nc loss, loss by death (2), loss to grieving/depression of my best friend, and all the losses included in leaving my marriage, mexico, my hub, my car, my independence - holy crapola!  he did eventually email me - his phone was giving him problems.

so, right now i've just got to make it thru one day, then another.   i'm so glad i have here and all of you to hold me up thru all this.  i can't imagine what i'd do without you.  love and hugs all around.

[Wife#2]

   Calling on the troops, wherever you are! Rally around SanMagic time.....

BIG, WARM, GROUP HUG!!!! 

[Candid]

I'm here, san! albeit somewhat depleted myself. One foot in front of the other, big hugs... 

[sanmagic7]

you are all so darling!  i love you all.  thank you so much.

now i'm just waiting for the results.  waiting is one of the hardest parts for me.  ugh.

[Wife#2]

Hey, let's head over to the porch and play some Parcheesi to pass the time. Otherwise, you'll obsess and decide what the doctors are going to say and how wrong they are anyway, because they NEVER (and this is so very true), NEVER get the WHOLE history and/or list of symptoms.

So, while you wait for results... join me at the porch for some soft breezes and Parcheesi? I still have the box with the instructions, because I'd forgotten so many of the fun, challenging rules (like you can block the path on purpose). Or, you choose. We'll play and keep our minds off these things that won't do us any good to dwell on them anyway. 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a great idea, wife2.  i haven't played in forever, but will re-read the rules with you, and we'll have a blast.  there's also room for 2 more if anyone wants to join.  i'm heading over there right now. 

[sanmagic7]

am at my d's, my computer's on the blink.  hope it's fixed by wed.  miss you all. 

[Wife#2]

You're in our thoughts even when you or we are not posting! Be kind to yourself today.

[Candid]

I was beginning to be alarmed, san. Relieved to know it's your computer and not you!

[Elphanigh]

I was worried as well. So glad to hear you are okay and just having computer troubles. Know you are always in my thoughts, even when you are away from here 

[sanmagic7]

it seems that so much has happened since i've been here.  i stuck my toe in a few posts, but feel quite lost at the moment.  so, i think i'll just stick with me for a bit.

had to cancel my t appt. so the computer guy could come fix it.  no virus, just a scam pop-up.  anyway, not important, except that nothing on my computer has been corrupted.  yippee!

more tests from the doc - everything's ok, basically.  so, that got me to thinking.  what is going on?  i mentioned before about depersonalization, and i do believe that losing my legs like i do is part of that.  i scored very high on a depersonalization diagnostic online, and have been thinking about it a lot.

as far as i can tell, i don't dissociate, but i'm not sure.  i will get very 'tuned in' to what i'm doing and not realize anything of the world around me.  when my landlady comes to my door and says my name, i'm so startled that i jump and my heart starts pounding.  it takes a few minutes to settle down.  is that a form of dissociation? 

the depersonalization, however, does really seem to fit the more i look at it.  i have said things to others, than thought to myself - i don't know where that came from.  that wasn't me talking.  those words just came out of my mouth.   i have spoken, depending on the situation, in different voices than my normal voice.  i have been in situations where i had a completely different personality than normal. 

i've 'sensed' situations to be dangerous, but not felt fear, only saw them as problems to be solved - how should i act, what should i say, etc., to get me out safely.   it's always been like an instinctual kind of thing.  that would be the alexithymia.  i've also had voices tell me stuff in my head - not to harm me, but like an outside thought, some thought coming at my mind from outside it.  i could always differentiate it from me, believed it wasn't me.

emotional situations where i lose my legs - many times they encase anger, either at someone or at the situation.  sometimes i simply have to wait, do something neutral, and in a few hours my legs function again.  however, i've been remembering times when i was in that state where i could barely move, and i got angry, and like magic, i was fully functional again, and feeling stronger than before. 

so, i'm thinking this is a sub-category symptom of c-ptsd rather than a brain thing, which is what i've been believing.  that puts a whole new spin on it for me.  does it make sense to anyone else?  could this leg thing be a depersonalization symptom connected to not being in touch with my emotions?

if i go on this premise,  it gives me a new direction to work on.  i'm hoping to get to therapy next week.  i do need help with this.  maybe i'm still all flummoxed from the move, and my d is still incapacitated, so that's been wearing on my mind, and now the doc bills coming in and pressure to get more tests, vaccines, etc., all of which will cost me something.  i'm thinking i mostly want to pay these bills off first before i accrue new ones.  ack!  the pressure.

o, and the eye doc told me he sees no indication of glaucoma, and i should stop taking the eye drops.  gotta go back in 2 mos. to see if the eye pressure stays low on its own.  he did say that the pressure can go up with stress.

so, this all boils down to stress for me.  by the by, when he told me that, i got so p.o.'d that i started swearing in the office.  to think that the eye doc in mex. had me diagnosed with glaucoma for over 4 yrs., i had to make all those friggin' trips on the bus in the heat, worried all the time in the back of my mind that i could be going blind (how's that for added stress?) and watching my h's brother walking around with his white cane cuz he actually did go bling from glaucoma - i couldn't believe what shoddy medical treatment i got down there.  they made me worse.

so, i'm battling to get back on track.  my heart breaks for my d, and i can't help that.  it's a stressor.  this computer thing was horrible.   i missed you all so much, missed being here.  i knew you were still with me, but i need that tangible, even if it's cyber, to be grounded by it.  dang, i'm a freakin' mess.  sometimes writing about it brings the reality to me so that i can't dodge it.  one step in front of the other. 

[Three Roses]

You were missed. 

so, i'm thinking this is a sub-category symptom of c-ptsd rather than a brain thing, which is what i've been believing.  that puts a whole new spin on it for me.  does it make sense to anyone else? 

Most definitely! There are some moments when I feel completely immobilized, unable to speak or move; generally this happens when I'm alone. It seems random. But I'm sure it has its roots in this CPTSD crapola.

[Wife#2]

This feels very logical to me. That extreme current-day stressors cause the body to freeze so literally that your legs don't work at all. Then, the fact that they freeze causes another layer of stress - enter vortex.

I don't have much more time to support. I just wanted to give you this:  , let you know you are loved, that you have a right to be po'd about mediocre or even dangerous bad medicine. And that we're still here, no matter how many days have to go by before you can post next. We are by your side.