let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

just lost my whole reply.  thanks, both of you.  i'm exhausted.  my d won't let me do some emdr just to lower the pain.  very frustrating.  when i'm here, the boys just kind of don't do anything to help.    ugh!  i don't know what i'm gonna do yet, but i need some rest.  no mri results till mon. 

[Hope66]

Hi Sanmagic7,

I hope you get some nice rest, and that you take care and just wanted to send you a hug  to say I care.

Hope 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Sanmagic,
You've been such a great support to me in the past, I wanted to read up from the beginning to see what's been happening. Looks like you've been going through a lot of stress with moving back to the US and dealing with complicated FOO issues. I know you are a warrior, a very strong and spiritual lady, and I just want to say I am right behind you. I hope you receive the right help now and begin to get the strength back in your legs, hope your life improves soon.

Sending you healing wishes and warm hugs 

[Blueberry]

This feels very logical to me. That extreme current-day stressors cause the body to freeze so literally that your legs don't work at all. Then, the fact that they freeze causes another layer of stress - enter vortex.

I have even witnessed this happen to others. So it does happen. I mean, I believe you!

to you san

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, fen, and hope - you brought a smile to my heart.  i'm on a break right now, back at my own place till mon.  i kinda lost it this morning, went on a rant after a shower, cleaning the bathroom, doing dishes,  vacuuming, and picking up all the recyclables, fixing them so they could be bagged.  then my d asked 'do you want to know how to pack those for recycling?' and i said 'no, i want someone else to do that.'

i was so frustrated, i ended up just saying that all the mess/dirt laying around, it was disgusting, and no one was doing anything about it.  ugh!!!  her roomie got mad, we ended up making up, but it just seems to me that these guys, in their 20's, with part-time jobs could step it up.  i came there to help, not to be the maid, after all.

i know they've been helping, but dang, it seems that they work for 5 min., then go play games for a half hour or until someone asks them to do something.  not very proactive with asking if there's anything they can do, anything else that needs to be done.  maybe i'm just old school, but i took care of a marriage, 2 kids, volunteered, made sweaters, then went back to college for 5 yrs. to get my master's, and went to work full time afterwards.  i don't get it.

i'd swear that if either of these kids were to even think of doing all that, their heads would explode.  granted, they're both damaged, but still.  i was, too, and i was 10-15 yrs. older than them.  this stuff with my d is crisis time - she's been to the e.r. twice in a week.  gets off the floor only to go to the john because of the pain.  it's a terrible situation, but it's like they think they're doing so much cuz they bring her food a few times a day.

ok, just a rant, it felt good to get it out.  this is all about healing, and i did get her to accept some emdr stuff around the pain when i come back on mon. to take her to more docs.  we'll see what happens.  her anxiety around anything new prevents her from doing something new too many times, but i still think she's gotta push thru it and learn that life is not logical and linear, and find a way to be ok with that.  in her time, i guess.   it's just me being a pushy broad.  i just want her pain to stop.  it's been 4 mos.  too long, and it's wearing everyone down.  ugh!!!

[Candid]

i ended up just saying that all the mess/dirt laying around, it was disgusting, and no one was doing anything about it. 

I hear you sister, having lamented my one-year anniversary in this pigsty on August 10. I've talked at length to H about it, you bet I have, but neither of us says anything to MIL. That would be asking for her to yell: "It's my 'ouse!" at the top of her voice, which she does at regular intervals anyway. Even cleaning is impossible: way too much furniture and 'stuff' in every room, every surface covered with more 'stuff'. A lot of 'stuff' appears to be rubbish, but in this 'ouse we don't bin a rotten tomato; we dry it out for seeds. We don't just run a hot tap until the water's hot; we run it into a big plastic bottle, which must then be carried around to the dozens of indoor plants.

I'm surprised we haven't had a go at laundering toilet paper for re-use. Or what the *, keep used sheets in an adjacent bin the way they do in countries with poor plumbing, and use the clean bits next time. I wish I was joking, but I'm too busy monitoring my food for cat hairs and myself for malnutrition.

It sounds like these kids are not long away from mothers who did everything for them. They believe the bath cleans itself, that kind of thing. I really don't think it's up to you to do anything more than care for yourself and your daughter.

[Blueberry]

i'm on a break right now, back at my own place till mon.  i kinda lost it this morning, went on a rant after a shower, cleaning the bathroom, doing dishes,  vacuuming, and picking up all the recyclables, fixing them so they could be bagged.  then my d asked 'do you want to know how to pack those for recycling?' and i said 'no, i want someone else to do that.'

san, that sounds a reasonable reaction to me, especially your final answer. Sometimes it's just good to get it out!

[sanmagic7]

thanks candid and blueberry.  really.  your voices again help me calm down and be ok with acting in a way that i don't normally do.  and i do believe that my job is my daughter.   the boys have been good about giving me rides to and from where i live, nearly an hour round trip.  i want to do for them, too, like buy pizza for everyone, give them gas money.  i think i and they are all stretched pretty thin right now.

their mother, actually, is a gritch who they can't stand, who kicked them out when they were 18 cuz her boyfriend didn't want to pay for their support anymore.  the oldest lived in his car for 2 years.  he also raised his 3 siblings since he was 8.  they are pretty depressed and damaged.  the whole situation sucks.

we'll get thru it.  i'm relaxing until i hear about her mri's.   we'll see what tomorrow brings.  thank you all for your caring and kindness.  it goes a long, long way to keep me steady and strong.  love and hugs all around.

[Candid]

How about you do only what you enjoy doing? Buying pizza yes, cleaning no. Sounds like you've got the place to maintenance level anyway.

[Blueberry]

the oldest lived in his car for 2 years.  he also raised his 3 siblings since he was 8.  they are pretty depressed and damaged. 

This doesn't surprise me.  Their behaviour sounds a bit like mine atm, tbh. There's a reason behind it. I agree wiht Candid's idea of only doing what you actually enjoy doing for everybody. Because if you do too much of the other out of a feeling that you 'have to', resentment tends to grow, which isn't helpful for anybody.  Come to the porch instead and do something for you!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, candid and blueberry.  the porch sounds good today. 

my d told me yesterday that the boys did clean up the rest of the place, so i guess maybe my rant was needed to  light a fire under their butts.  it's also been very hot, but i don't want to use that as an excuse for them.   i'm tired of excusing people - done it all my life. 

anyway, i'm helping her with this book she's editing.  she can't think straight with the painkillers, and this editing needs to be done this week.  it's something i can do that's strictly for her, which is where i want to be with all this.

i'm also feeling stronger than i have in the past.  i think this move was exactly what i needed.  my mind is clearer, my perspective is able to change to make myself feel better, and i'm feeling more stable in general. 

don't know when/if i'll be going back, if she needs me there or with her to see the doc.  so, the immediate future in still a bit uncertain, but i have faith.  i do believe the healing is beginning.  yay!

[Blueberry]

i'm also feeling stronger than i have in the past.  i think this move was exactly what i needed.  my mind is clearer, my perspective is able to change to make myself feel better, and i'm feeling more stable in general. 

That sounds really good, san. Yay! 

[Dee]

 

I just wanted to give you a hug today.  You are strong!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, big smile on my face right now.  thanks for that cheer!

and, dee, i love your hugs.  they always warm my heart.  thank you so.

i'm doing ok, but my hub and daughter are not.  dang, they are such good people - i wish they could catch a break.   i know the best i can do is be there supportively for them, and to stay  as well as possible.   it's been feeling good that i've taken my power back from all the docs.  i've got bills to pay off before i rush to make more apptsl, but it feels more like i'm now doing it the way i want, rather than what they want for me.

i was so caught up in being sick for so long, really tangled in a web of illness and pain.  some of it is still there, but it doesn't feel so overpowering like it had, like it was all my life had to offer.    this is how it is today, and i'll enjoy it while it's here.  those intrusive thoughts seem to be diminishing somewhat as well.  i don't trust it, but i have faith. 

after another realization about crapola as a kid, i was also able to get some anger out, some child hate at my dad.  it was a bit weird, cuz he was god to me and i wanted to be like him and please him always, and i'd excused or ignored a lot of what he did as i was growing up, especially mocking and humiliating me.  i just let my little me pound the bed and tell her daddy how much she hated what he'd done.  it was a stretch, but i do believe it was right. 

a kid only knows love and hate - doesn't have the logic and experience of gray areas of emotion - and that's why i pushed myself to use the word 'hate' when letting that anger out.  i somehow knew that it was my little me who needed to feel the power of being able to say what she might have said if she could have said it.  very existential, i know, but rational at the same time.

so, i continue working on this.  i don't doubt there is more of it within me - my body still has too much pain and tension inside it.  but this was the first time i let my little me get angry.  i think more of that will be coming.  i've allowed her to talk to him, tell him his expectations were impossible, cry about it, but have never before let her get angry.  yep, there's more of that coming. 

ooooh, this feels right to write about it, realize it, get it out.  my insides are moving in a way that tells me i'm onto something with this.  little sannyswee will be pounding and getting the hate out in the future.  piece by piece to peace.

[Candid]

i just let my little me pound the bed and tell her daddy how much she hated what he'd done.

At the depths of her/your pain, Little San said she hated what he'd done.  She didn't say she hated him.

Little San loved her daddy. If she hadn't loved him so much she wouldn't have been so angry with him.

Under the anger towards him, the grief about him. 

Under the grief is more love for them, flawed as they may have been.  More importantly, it includes love for ourselves. How could we possibly not love the person who took so much for so long, and still loves?

I regularly run through rage, grief, love.  Much less rage and much more love now, for self and others.  The grief is mellowed as a result.

i think this move was exactly what i needed.  my mind is clearer, my perspective is able to change to make myself feel better, and i'm feeling more stable in general.

Being able to change our perspective is a powerful tool indeed. for all this, my friend and sister!