let the healing begin

Candid · September 12, 2017, 06:57:52 AM

Like wading through treacle. Keep wading, san! Priorities, letting other things slide, one little step forward at a time...

Here we are with you

sanmagic7 · September 12, 2017, 04:39:53 PM

got the appt. for surgery today. oct. 19. 3-8 hrs. moh's surgery. right now i'm not coping well, am overwhelmed by all this setting up dates and times for appts. and coordinating those with rides. i went on overload this morning. will have 2 therapy appts. before it, so i hope that helps, altho that will be stressful as well. have reached my stress limit and gone over. need some time to just veg out now. one step at a time. breathe. this, too, shall pass.

yeah, i know all the words. nothing sticks right now. it feels too much for me. give me the strength to make it thru this day, please.

Blueberry · September 12, 2017, 04:48:03 PM

Sending you strength san.

Alarrah · September 13, 2017, 08:01:48 PM

I'm pulling for you. You can do this.

sanmagic7 · September 14, 2017, 12:08:21 AM

thank you blueberry and alarrah. the strength i get from this place has continued to get me thru one more day.

i know worry does nothing good, but it sneaks in nonetheless. the fact that this carcinoma has not been treated for maybe 10 yrs., which was when i first noticed it and brought it to the att'n of doctors, is blindsiding me. i know already that it's spread on the surface of my scalp in 2 different ways - both the scaly patches and the tumor have grown. actually, there's another small tumor that i've just noticed a few months ago.

all the literature says that if this is caught early, there's no problem. the doc is very happy that it isn't what he first thought it was, and seems sure that it will all be taken care of. i have no trust because it's been so long. i don't know how deep it might have gone by now. there's not much meat between scalp and cranium.

crap. i'm just driving myself crazy, and i still have a month to go. i'm not afraid of dying or of being dead. that doesn't frighten me. it's what might be on the way, like pain and such, that bothers me. i've been in pain for way too long, and even this biopsy has been painful. i'm still taking advil every day cuz it's so uncomfortable even as it's healing.

just venting here, tears in my eyes. i'm ready for this to be over. time for more distraction.

sanmagic7 · September 14, 2017, 04:24:07 PM

was thinking about the title i gave my journal here. i was so sure that when i wrote it i was going uphill, making real progress, and turning things around, finally. instead, i feel less healed than ever, sicker, less energy, less able to cope. i thought i'd be beyond this by now.

too tired. just too tired. got nuthin' for nobody. wish i did - it usually made me feel better. i hate this crapola.

Elphanigh · September 14, 2017, 04:34:30 PM

dear San, I am sorry this is taking such a toll on you. Come join me on the porch today. Three Roses, made me a cup of tea for my time there. I will gladly make you one to share with me. We can sit in peace on the rocking chairs, with a warm blanket if you would like.

I can fetch us tea, or fresh vegetables from the garden today. We can sit and enjoy the quiet there among the animals that reside there.

Hope66 · September 14, 2017, 06:20:41 PM

Hi SanMagic,

for you if you'd like one, and I just wanted to pop by and say, standing by you

Sometimes it's just tough - and this is one of those times, but hopefully you will have some light, however small it may seem, that will help you to cope at this challenging time.
Hope

Blueberry · September 14, 2017, 10:05:39 PM

Dear san,

You know, I'm glad you're venting on here! Out with all the crapola. You've given lots of us here so much! Now is space for you when you need it.
Then sit with us on the porch, or just with Elphanigh. I'm sure you could both do with the Porch atm. Enjoy those flowers you planted too!

Then vent some more, if you need it.

Candid · September 16, 2017, 04:59:25 AM

Waiting on the porch for you, San, with a goodly supply of slippery watermelon seeds.

Alarrah · September 17, 2017, 04:53:25 PM

I don't know if I can tell you how much your posts have encouraged me. I'm new to the site, but I can see how much good you have done for everyone here. I'm sorry you have so much weighing you down right now. Thank you for everything you do.

sanmagic7 · September 18, 2017, 10:49:41 PM

just checking in. thank you all for your care and concern and beautiful thoughts and wishes. i have very little energy, am just holding myself together, but i think of you often. you are all gold - don't ever forget that. wish i could say more, but not right now. love and hugs all around.

AphoticAtramentous · September 19, 2017, 01:06:47 AM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2017, 10:49:41 PM
just checking in. thank you all for your care and concern and beautiful thoughts and wishes. i have very little energy, am just holding myself together, but i think of you often. you are all gold - don't ever forget that. wish i could say more, but not right now. love and hugs all around.

Hey San, thanks for checking in. ^-^ I hope you're doing alright.

Wife#2 · September 19, 2017, 12:28:55 PM

San, whether you are here posting or taking time as you need doing what you need - we are here. We know you have a warrior spirit, but even warriors need to recharge and take stock sometimes.

Always, always, always love, hugs and support are yours. Be gentle with yourself and breathe.

sanmagic7 · September 19, 2017, 01:55:12 PM

again, so grateful for all of you.

my last straw has come now - my hair. my first career was as a hairdresser, i've always loved my hair, and i always notice a person's hair first of anything. i've even identified people from the back by their hair. it's always been a big thing with me.

now, my hair is shot. the cancer skin scales have mucked it up on that side of my head, i can't brush it cuz the hair is all caught up in the muck, i can't style it at all, and i look like crap. no lie.

TW *****

when i nearly attempted suicide, it wasn't because my hub at the time was cheating on me, or because he said he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, or because i had to leave another home behind and move to another state to live with a girlfriend. it was because of a last straw - she told me that the landlord wouldn't allow my dog to stay at the house anymore, and i had to send him back to my then-hub.

that dog was the sweetest, most beautiful black collie, and had been with me thru all the trials and tribulations of that marriage. he was the only constant in my world of ongoing crises. having to get rid of him broke me to the point where i couldn't go on, and was about to end it all. as i got up from the couch to write my galpal a note, my baby kicked - i was 8 1/2 mos. pregnant by then - and she saved my life. if i'd killed myself then, i'd be killing my baby as well, and i couldn't do that.

i decided then that i would do what i swore i'd never do - go back 'home'. to do so meant, to me, the end of my independence, my freedom, all that i'd worked for to get myself out of a stifling situation. but, my mother's whatever kept me alive in order to keep my baby alive, and i did what i had to do.

i doubt that suicide is often the cause of one big event, but rather a series of events that eventually come to a head with the 'last straw'. no, i'm not going to do anything to myself like that - i have to stay alive for my d and my hub - but, if i were on my own, this hair thing would have been what would have pushed me over the edge.

as it is, i'm venting here instead, putting the poison on the screen, puking it out so i can continue to hang on, albeit by my fingernails. i am so worn out from everything, i can barely stand it. i hate my hair, and i've never said or felt anything like that ever in my life. just that thought about does me in.

i know that you all help me, and i thank you for that. once again.