let the healing begin

[Wife#2]

I wish I had some silly little thing to say to cheer you up. Having never been fond of my baby-fine-do-nothing-with-it hair, I can't relate. Though, in my 30's when my thyroid crapped out and my hair started to become independent of me, I was ticked. I'd already lost the genetic dice roll - Dark black hair on pale white skin - showing on arms, legs, face, belly and - thanks Mom - back. So not feminine. So, to spend such a majority of my life wishing I had less hair, I was getting my wish. I should have been more specific in my prayers! LOL

I know you don't put much stock in vanity. Still - a woman has to have SOME things in this life! I'm so sorry that your tresses are not what you need and deserve them to be. One thing I can suggest - and it fits with your free-spirit-flower-child self - the creative use of scarves? That way, mirrors don't become such an enemy. My aunt had a magnificent collection which I inherited. I'm not much for scarves now, but my neck skin is telling me that I should have kept that collection and added to it. If you build a collection, you can change scarves to suit your mood. Pretty and flowery, Brown and earthy, traditional. Make it part of your self-identity statement!

When I am old, I shall wear a Red Hat with a Purple Shirt.....Why not start now?

[Blueberry]

  if I can get some more people around, or  to you san.

I second the suggestion of colourful scarves. Or if you prefer, beautiful scarves with muted colours.

I can feel with you about wanting to give it all up when you had to part with your collie. I ended up in an inpatient place for a while after one of my pets died. I used to manage to keep going for my pets, that was it. So I feel for you while you are remembering this. 

[Three Roses]

I have been a vain creature for most of my life, and focused a lot on my looks. Not that I was a beauty or anything close, but I found a sort of safety in being attractive. (Later I also found a sort of safety in being a little overweight.)

When my hair started falling out because of a stressful situation, I was mortified. I fussed and obsessed, and finally came to the decision to stop coloring my hair in an effort to let my scalp recover and maybe my hair would grow back in.

My hair is now almost 100% white, even my eyebrows. It has been difficult to let myself feel vulnerable and go shopping or to appointments or whatever, looking like I do now. But it's also been a good thing for the focus I want to have, which is focusing on who I truly am and what I want and how I honestly feel, for maybe the first time ever.

Thanks for bringing this up, it felt good to talk about.

[Lilfae]

  ouf, I am sorry to hear this.  I wish I had some words of healing or relief, but instead I will send you warm thoughts your way.

[sanmagic7]

last night a black curtain lifted, and i immediately felt better.  as it was going up, i was p.o.'d that i was going to have to get back up once again and continue with the struggle (how many times can a person do this?), but it didn't turn out like that at all.  i'm convinced that this beast can be killed with love, and i feel it from all of you.  i know that i'm being love-bombed from all sides, from my regulars, from those who are new here (which is very touching), and from my hub and d. 

i do think that these beautiful vibes being sent my way lifted that black curtain.  i know i was in a very dark place, and all of you allowed me to be vulnerable and speak my truth, even tho it wasn't pretty, accepted me, and still cared about me.   that is the purest medicine i know and have ever had in my life.

i will have all of you with me when i go to see the new therapist next week, and when i go for my surgery.  just like you all surrounded me as i was crossing the border and making my escape, you will all surround me again during another harrowing experience.  yeah, to me, seeing this new t is going to be harrowing.  too many bad experiences, and i'm not trusting her one bit right now.

this is the first time i haven't trusted a therapist, so it's a new and difficult feeling for me.  i want to have an open mind, but a part of me just doesn't know if i'm going to get stomped on yet again.  i've had enough mind smashing to last me a lifetime.

in the meantime, i'm still reticent to get real involved with the forum right now.  i've got all this other stuff i'm sorting out, and i just don't trust myself to give coherent responses.  doubting myself at a conscious level is new for me, too.   it doesn't feel like i can be comfortable even giving support, altho i honestly do, to everyone on here. 

i guess i'll have to sit with myself for a bit yet before i feel ok enough to reach out to others.  thank you all for the hugs and support - it all goes straight to my heart.  love and hugs to all of you.   you have all helped me so much.  (i even feel guilty for not listing everyone's name here who has responded so warmly and caringly to me, but right now it's beyond me.  still, i've read all your posts and know who you are.  you're all such generous people, and i appreciate you all so much.  thank you).

[Blueberry]

Hey san, it's good to hear from you  Keep taking care of you and feeling the vibes from here. If you want, drop by on the porch and just be.

[sanmagic7]

i'm on the porch whenever possible.  have already pictured all of you with me when i go for surgery.  for therapy, too.  it's getting harder to bear.  just read a doc's article about cancer possibly, likely, often a product of stress.  i've suspected this for a long time.  i'm surprised mine hasn't shown up sooner. 

[Sceal]

i'm on the porch whenever possible.  have already pictured all of you with me when i go for surgery. 

I'll be there on the porch with you, offering to lend you some strength to get through surgery.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sceal.  looking forward to it.  bless you.  i'm keeping you all very close right now.  it's why i keep venting here, even tho i don't have it in me to respond to others right now.  this is my safe place.

[Blueberry]

I'm on the porch atm too. Here's my safe place while I recover from writing an Unsent FOO letter. So we can sit out here together, no need for words.

[Elphanigh]

I have missed a lot but wanted to remind you I am here with you too. Even when I am absent from the forum like I have been this week.

Lots of warm hugs and good vibes your way 

[sanmagic7]

on the porch, yes, blueberry.  and, el, i know you're with me always.  you all give me the strength to pick myself back up and carry on.  feeling better.  thank you.

[Candid]

i doubt that suicide is often the cause of one big event, but rather a series of events that eventually come to a head with the 'last straw'. 

I agree.  It makes me mad when I hear "she owed a lot of money", "his wife left" or whatever.  For me, that's a fighting reason against suicide.  It would be too galling to think of people saying "her library book was overdue" because I'd finally succumbed.

Hair grows back, darling.  If it doesn't, wigs are good these days.  I often wish I'd lose what's left of mine, because colouring it is expensive or a chore, but going about with a head like an expired dandelion is worse.

i was p.o.'d that i was going to have to get back up once again and continue with the struggle (how many times can a person do this?), but it didn't turn out like that at all.  i'm convinced that this beast can be killed with love, and i feel it from all of you.  i know that i'm being love-bombed from all sides, from my regulars, from those who are new here (which is very touching), and from my hub and d. 

It makes me feel warm through and through to be included in the Sanmagical Coven!  We are witches casting love spells, like Samantha Stevens twizzling her nose.  You know what I tell myself whenever I think "Too much. Really, too much. I can't get up again from this"?  I think hey, I'm an old hand.  This isn't what I would have chosen, but it's what I do. What would I be doing with my life if I wasn't showing the world You can't keep a good woman down?

just like you all surrounded me as i was crossing the border and making my escape, you will all surround me again during another harrowing experience. 

One day last week I was in some horrible situation or another -- I've forgotten! -- and I remembered my people here.  Don't take this the wrong way, but y'all make a wonderful adjunct to the imaginary friends I've cultivated all my life.

this is the first time i haven't trusted a therapist, so it's a new and difficult feeling for me.  i want to have an open mind, but a part of me just doesn't know if i'm going to get stomped on yet again.  i've had enough mind smashing to last me a lifetime.

Of course! Me too.  Speaks flattering volumes about our minds, n'est-ce pas? Hope for the best and prepare for the worst is good sense when it comes to meeting a new T.

in the meantime, i'm still reticent to get real involved with the forum right now.  i've got all this other stuff i'm sorting out, and i just don't trust myself to give coherent responses.

Do you honestly think anyone here will forget you?  Ever?  Because I know I won't.  Take the time you need.

(i even feel guilty for not listing everyone's name here ...

Someone needs a hug real bad. 





Oh! It was me...

[sanmagic7]

you do my heart so good, my darling candid.  a coven of love.  a loven.  made me smile.

and here's that hug right back atcha, sweetie     

wise words from a wise woman - you really CAN'T keep a good woman down. 

i'm tired, but doing ok.  this stuff just gets wearing.  so, i'll wear it out, dammit!  with a little help from my friends.  yeah, yeah, yeah.

[berceuse]

Hello sanmagic7,

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. I can sense your power from here. I really do. 

P.S. I wanted to write before but it made me too self-conscious but I was thinking about you.