New here! Possible Trigger warning :/

[juliette9]

Hello!
I'll try to keep this brief. Was officially diagnosed with C-Ptsd a couple years ago after years of different diagnoses, drug rehabs and different medications. I have finally got my * together enough to receive an informed diagnoses.
Grew up in what seemed from the outside a normal, leave it to beaver type household. Parents were both very controlling and expected very good grades. I started rebelling in my teen years and they did not take it well. Screaming matches would turn physical several times a week for years. Never had a mark on me just lots of shoving and shaking and spanking and the occasional spit in the face blablabla. getting hair pulled, drinks thrown in face ect. most of this was done by my father. Ended up in toxic relationships with men and developed a drug problem.( sexual trauma occured during this time)

5 years clean off heroin, alcohol and benzos.
I recently left my 12 step fellowship. Im sorry Im all over the place I havent had anyone to talk to about this in months except my therapist. I just need to know I'm in the right place. That the constant jumping to the worst possible case scenerio will stop. being hypervigilant and on guard and avoiding real intimacy all that I need some freedom from it. I need some hope I guess. I was in a head on collision last month that re traumatized me so I think that might be part of why I been struggling lately.
Again sorry Im all over the place.

[Lingurine]

Hi Julliette9, welcome. It's okay, you came to the right place. That sounds really hard, you can be very proud of yourself to overcome your drug habit. I hope you feel free to write on the boards about what you've been through. It sure helps me. Just write about it and maybe you feel a bit better.

Take care

Lingurine

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, juliette9!

You don't say why you left your 12 step group. Will you find another? I attend 12 Steps too but not regularly, just when I feel the need.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here.

[Dee]

You sound like you have made some amazing accomplishments!  I am sure you will be as much as an inspiration to others as they are to you.  Welcome!

Dee

[juliette9]

hello!
I was a very active member of NA lived it all day everyday for 5 years. I left after I accidentally on purpose tripped on LSD on vacation. It could of ended very badly but luckily I just gained a shift in perspective and decided to change everything. I'm still not sure if it was the right choice or not but it is different and I had been stuck in a rut. Sooo i been flying solo so to speak just relying on my friends outside of the program and family. So far so good :/
-Juliette

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Juliette
Thank you for sharing and I relate to your experience as it's very similar to mine ..
I have a friend who is further on than me having trauma therapy and she has made good headway and progress
I'll be starting therapy soon
I can relate to the fear and anxiety - head jumps to quote 'worse case senario'  and the fear of people
It's a work in progress and we all heal different aspects at different rates and sometimes it's hard for me to see how I've progressed as I' can 'look at what is still a problem'
Kindness to ourselves and asking the small person within what I need. I don't have many friends but I've stopped beating myself now as I'm trying my best

Take it easy Juliette 9 and glad you are here .. there is so much helpful sharing here and resources ..