Less exhaustion through HSP-friendly life (?)

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi everyone. I'm a highly sensitive person (HSP). I started researching this after a thread Rain started. So far, it's brought me a series of smaller and bigger epiphanies. It explains... not everything, but a LOT. Since it's usually a safe bet that any symptom/oddity I have is going to be shared by someone here, I thought I'd start a thread where we can talk abut HSP and how it can impact our recovery.

To start with, here are my epiphanies so far. They're about what HSP means for my daily life. (Sorry for the bold text, I wanted to make things easier to read.)

0. (the REALLY BIG epiphany): I'm an HSP. This isn't something I can change. If I live a life suited to normal-type sensitivity, I'm going to be constantly overwhelmed, overextended, and exhausted. When I'm exhausted, I'm less able to deal with flashbacks, and I'm likely to get more of them. If I find a lifestyle that minimizes exhaustion, it'll be very worth my while.

1. HSPs are "oversensitive" because they notice more things. Of course, we can still interpret this data the wrong way. But the basic input is usually spot on (or close). If you've ever had your perceptions dismissed out of hand, this is going to feel validating. It's also a lot more positive than telling myself "I'm oversensitive" or "I should grow a thicker skin". For an HSP, growing a thicker skin isn't an option. Coping strategies: YES. Changing my nature: NO.

2. HS is exhausting. After all, there's all this data storming in on us. Some of it is contradictory. It's like there's less of a filter keeping unimportant stuff out.
Also, if you're HSP, you might have highly complex thoughts building themselves up within the blink of an eye. Even when you're alone and at peace, you can STILL become overstimulated by worry / ruminations / feelings. Which is where CPTSD comes in! Who among us hasn't been entirely alone, doing nothing, but simply just having CPTSD and thinking about it or feeling it is already enough to leave you exhausted? IMO, simply just having CPTSD takes up so much of our available runtime, it's like a certain percentage of our energy is always taken up with coping strategies - and that's BEFORE we do any other work. Then put HS into the mix... you see?
If you're able to live an HSP-friendly life, then this won't matter so much. But I'd suspect that most of us don't. It seems likely that we've all been pressured into copying normal-sensitive-people kinds of behaviour. ("Why, you can't be exhausted already, we've only just arrived at the mall!" - "Come OOONN, loud parties are fun!" - "Why the h*ll are you reading a book, young lady, there's chores to be done!"). So the cruel world classically conditions you towards over-extending yourself. Which leaves you permanently exhausted.

3. In order to become less exhausted, it doesn't quite work to simply do normal-sensitive-people stuff, like for example:
a) Sitting still and doing nothing. If you're HSP, that leaves you more time to worry, ruminate over old problems, obsess over a tiny mistake you made a week ago, plan your chores, and try to solve the problem of world peace. The book I'm reading says it's often easier to relax if you're DOING something - something that keeps your mind pleasantly busy with a low-level, relaxed kind of busy-ness, like taking a walk. I relax FABULOUSLY while I'm crocheting. But only while I'm not yet practiced enough. If I am practiced, I can actually THINK while I'm crocheting, and so I begin to worry again.
b) Other normal-people-stuff that doesn't relax HSPs is anything that exposes you to an overwhelming level of stimulation. What stimulates you depends on what you're highly sensitive to (obviously). Listening to the radio can annoy you if you're the sensory-type HSP who overreacts to shrill singing voices or wonky harmonies or repetitive lyrics. Loud, crowded venues can make you highly uneasy. Meeting many stranges, all of whom you have to leave a positive impression with, can totally drain you of the will to live. Even if you actually enjoy doing it, it can still leave you completely exhausted afterwards.
c) It gets yet more complicated. HSPs hate overstimulation, but they also hate boredom. Say your colleagues want to go have a drink after work. You go straight home, because you've had a busy day and your levels of stimulation are already too high. Now. Normal-sensitive people are more likely to pick ONE thing to do and then ENJOY it. HSPs are likely to feel frazzled, go home, chill out... then chill out beyond what's comfortable... then sit there morosely and ponder about how the rain outside is the perfect metaphor for our empty, friendless lives. Essentially, HSPs have to take their mental/emotional pulse regularly, then adjust things accordingly. My mother would have a coronary if she heard that experts are encouraging me to navelgaze MORE.  )

4. HSPs are usually really good at sensing other people's expectations of them. They tend to be highly adaptable. This is good. It's a talent. BUT: quite often, it makes sure you have a * childhood. Let's say your mother is constantly cranky or overextended. An HSP kid will be unable to simply shrug this off. She'll worry that she herself is the cause, and she'll try to make herself inconspicuous. All through life, HSPs are likely to sense what other people need and expect, and to try and act accordingly. Very often, this takes up a lot of energy. And very often, people take it for granted. You get no praise, no appreciation. That in turn lowers your self-esteem. If you go through much pains to do something, and no one even SEES it, you end up feeling that your contribution isn't really worthy. Apparently, it's not unusual for HSPs to arrive at middle age and realize: all our lives have been about OTHER PEOPLE, we've always adapted, always put ourselves second, and... we have nothing to show for it. So we're entitled to some kind of productive midlife-crisis, where we discover our own values, our own needs, and then learn to care for ourselves. This isn't egotism, it's simply basic care and maintenance of our most valuable resource.

5. HSPs have high standards. If we're not aware of that, we're going to exhaust ourselves. After all, we're not simply just perfectionists - we're perfectionists who sense the SLIGHTEST thing wrong with what we're doing and then see ALL THE IMPLICATIONS of this, and we tend to worry a lot. The author of the book I read recommends seeing our high standards the way we see our fondness for coffee: as a longing, but not one that has to be put into reality ALL THE TIME.

6. HSPs are less able to separate between "thing that concerns me" and "thing that doesn't concern me". Example: witnessing a quarrel between strangers, and feeling bad for each of them; EITHER seeing where each of them had a point and where they went wrong OR not seeing it and then obsessing over that; being preoccupied for a long time by how this might be fixed.

7. HSPs react strongly to things like
-- lack of sleep
-- feeling rushed, lacking time
-- too many people
-- too much tension (a novel I read had a character say: "there's unhappiness in the room, but I'm not sure who has it, me or you", and I can relate so well)
-- caffeine and other stimulants
-- our diet (even cold foods vs hot foods has an effect - hot foods tend to feel more soothing, particularly to HSPs)
-- background noises and/or complete silence
-- physical discomfort
-- sudden changes (they tend to feel alarming, even when it's about something nice)
If you're TOO overstimulated, you're likely to reach a point where you just bluescreen. Sudden, total exhaustion out of nowhere: you're unable to think clearly, you're annoyed and snippy, and you've no idea why.

8. Everything you experience stays with you for a long time - even quarrels between strangers, like I said. Or mistakes I made. Or people I talked to and that seemed an EENSY bit tense ("OH DEAR I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG"). I've grown up in a FOO that expected me to let things glide off of me like water off a duck's back. This didn't work out. But apparently, I'm normal. I'm just HSP-normal instead of normal-normal, but I can work with that. I suppose that's why I like some CBT methods - it's like a way to teach myself to see the world in a normal-normal way.

9. If you were shamed for your HS, it's likely that you decided to NOT be hyper-sensitive WHATEVER THE COST.

10. Most HSPs tend to be introverts, but it's very possible to be an extraverted HSP (like myself). In that case, you'll tend to feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by THINGS (where introverts might feel overwhelmed by too many PEOPLE). Example: feeling overwhelmed when you're having to take on too many projects at once. (In my case, also: multi-tasking, constant interruptions, clutter.)

12. Living in accordance with your values, strengths, and needs will give you energy. Living in opposition to them will sap your energy. This might be true for everyone, but it's particularly true for HSPs.

I've been excited about this for the last few days. There's so many echoes here of things people said on this forum. Like, "why can't I have my own opinion, why do I adapt all the time, why am I such a chameleon?" Or, "I'm constantly exhausted and demotivated and I don't know why" (HSP isn't THE reason, but it might be one reason among others?). We spent several threads puzzling about the answers to that. And now, here's something that might help explain this? Or does it? What do you think?

Then: even when you're normally sensitive - wouldn't CPTSD alone give you a higher level of stimulation than is normal? The flashbacks, the worries, the constant depression, the many unpleasant associations connected to everyday objects or places or songs, the hypervigilance...? I'm not sure. I just wondered, would HSP coping skills then benefit others among us (those without HS)?

[schrödinger's cat]

Yay!    That's exactly the thing I'm so relieved about - that these aren't "my inexplicable character faults", they're simply the flipside of my strengths.

I love the way you respond to the "you're too sensitive" people. I read that passage out to my husband, and he laughed and said: "That's like leaving the mark of Zorro on someone."

[Rain]

Cat, your husband got me laughing with the "mark of Zorro" comment!!!     I will check to see next time if that "Z" appears. 

And Cat, I so relate ....I was relieved, as well, when I was reading on HSP initially.    As usual, I also enjoyed reading your summaries and what it has meant to you.

Thanks!!  You've made such a difference to me personally in my Healing Journey.

[schrödinger's cat]

And you to mine. Honestly, I wouldn't post half as much if I didn't know that no matter what, Rain is going to reply and say something kind.   

[Butterfly]

Thansk for this most validating and encouraging thread! I treasure my brain and environmental awareness, even though it's overwhelming at times I'd have it no other way. Being in tune to my environment / people and so completely plugged in has been valuable. It's like a superpower of sorts.

DH asked me once to look around and communicate out loud all that comes into my head and I couldn't get the words out fast enough, after about 30 seconds he asked me to stop (he was overwhelmed) I said but there's so much more! and he suddenly understood me so much better.

Knowing what overstimulates vs comforts me and working with it rather than against it has created a peace and serenity in my life beyond measure.

[Rain]

Awesome, Butterfly!   I'm glad Cat started this too.   I need the reminder, the processing.

You bet you treasure your "super powers" ...and it really is.   

I loved your story about sharing with DH ...and HE got overwhelmed.   I have never thought to do that with others.   This was eye-opening to read, Butterfly.

Continued Peace and Serenity, friend!

[schrödinger's cat]

DH asked me once to look around and communicate out loud all that comes into my head and I couldn't get the words out fast enough, after about 30 seconds he asked me to stop (he was overwhelmed) I said but there's so much more! and he suddenly understood me so much better.

Priceless. And it sounds like such a good idea. It's pretty funny, too...

Does any of you do this thing where you have a thought in your head - and it feels literally just like ONE thought - and then you try to tell it to someone and it takes fourty minutes?

[Butterfly]

Now that you mention it some of my conversations with DH are like that. He's the only one I don't edit myself with when I share my thoughts. Still never 40 minutes although I suspect he'd be happy to listen for as long as that I'm sure.

My first thought in response to the question was based on the fact I edit any shared thoughts down to 30 second snippets because of course anything I have to say is of no value and no one wants to hear it anyway. (Old script still working on new one - grew up constantly interrupted and talked over and invalidated)

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh thank GOODNESS for that - I thought I was the only one. I'm constantly telling myself to "answer in two or three sentences, NO MORE" - but it's so difficult!! It's like I have one thought, BING, and then when I look at it it's fractals nestling within fractals, and I go "oh sh*t". Or it's a sea of data, full of conflicting points of view. Where do I even begin to synthesize this all into a response? Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, and I end up going "uhm" and "er" a lot. Or I feel I have to answer RIGHT NOW, and so I say something vague that I don't fully believe in (how can I, before I've analyzed all available data, which would take me a LONG time). It probably ends up sounding really boring.

If I were a lot more confident than I am, conversations might go like this.

"How's the weather outside, schrödinger's cat?"
"Can I answer this in writing? I'll fax you my answer... by the way, make sure your fax machine has enough paper..."
"Schrödinger, fax machines are outdated. No one has them anymore."
"Ah! In that case, I'll e-mail you a book on technological means of communication and their effects on communication styles. Twitter alone - did you realize that social meadia are bringing back a return of courtly means of self-representation?"
"The weather. Please. I simply wanted to hear if you like the sunshine... have mercy..."
"Oooh, let's talk about societal pressures to enjoy summer! Summer as a trope!"
"If you say 'archetype', I'm going to scream."
"...you have very poor nerves, did you know that? Do you want a cup of tea? I'm not a tea person myself, but... hey, do you think there's such a thing? Like 'dog person' vs 'cat person', only with tea and coffee? Are you a tea person?"
"We are NOT going to talk about tea persons. We are going to talk about the sunshine. Is it pleasant for you, YES OR NO?"
"Uhm. A bit?"
"Was that so hard?"
"Well, actually..."
"Don't answer that."

So I can see how this might be tiring.

(Old script still working on new one - grew up constantly interrupted and talked over and invalidated)

Same here. Still trying to shake it off.

[Rain]

I have so very much laughed, soaked in and related to these last three posts, Cat and Butterfly!!!

So Cat, how IS the weather there today?     

[schrödinger's cat]

I like the term "knowings". And I like your knowing about seeds. Was it like seeing all of this at the same time, or did the thought develop sequentially?

Ah, the weather! Uhm. Leeet's see. (You brought this on yourself.)

So... it's raining outside, which is nice, but I'm wondering if it's nice because it IS nice or because I think I ought to find it nice. I do have positive associations with rain. (With you too.) When it features in my stories, it's always about renewal and emotional honesty and peace and freedom, for some weird reason I can't explain. But maybe I've had positive associations for so long that this has become a habit of thought. Does that make sense? I see "it's raining" and then habitually think "that's good", without examining my authentic emotional response to it. So maybe I don't like the rain after all. To be emotionally authentic, I'd have to say... "I like the rain because, right now, it's making me feel pleased to remember the positive associations I used to have to it, which I may or may not have right now, let me get back to you on that."
But the sound IS nice. The smell was gorgeous. It reminded me of my grandparents' farm in the mountains, a very damp bosky area where you'd get this very fresh, vivid, silvery-green smell. I imagine that's what Middle Earth must smell like. Not Mordor. Obviously. Just the woodsy bits of the rest. Which makes it sound like I've read the book or watched the movie, which I haven't, because I found it cheesy. Why? No idea. Maybe I'm projecting my own denial of my wildly-romantic side, which I got rid of as a means of self-protection. So in that case I'd have to watch more fantasy movies. Which is difficult because they're so sexist. Oooh, can we talk about that moment in movies where the hero stands there holding up his sword and being all defiant and heroic and "BRING IT ON", and I used to find this suitably impressive, but now that I'm middle-aged, I just snort at the screen and go "stop posturing, you bloody peacock! Get to work!" So that would be an interesting topic, too, gender roles in movies and how our view of them changes as we age. Also, I'm probably going to use the term "paradigm shift" because I like it to pieces. I like the word "chthonic", too, but how would one work that into casual conversation?
Oh, yes, the rain. It's stopped now. I'm not even done yet deciding what I think of rain.

This is what goes on in my head (if I let it).

[Butterfly]

oh my and if I could interject the rush of sudden thoughts as I read your post Cat! It didn't stop me from reading and my thoughts didn't at all interrupt or slow me from taking in what you said next, in fact previous rushes of thought were pushed out only by rushes of other thoughts. But I dare not stop reading or else I'd be here all day if I had to actually stop and entertain the thoughts that drop like crates from a helicopter smashing to reveal its vast contents all at once, no I must keep going becuase if I sat to examine its cargo I'd get nothing done and it's only moments until another cargo drop anyway. Plus as I whizz by mental inventory is taken and it's all stored and filed properly in an instant anyway. If I don't keep moving I might get pinned under a cargo drop!

Does any of that sound familiar?

[schrödinger's cat]

Veeery familiar.

I went shopping today in our pedestrian's precinct, and took more time about it than I normally do. Just to see what would happen if I consciously managed the incoming level of sensory/emotional stimulation. What do you know, I had a better time than I usually have. Funny, isn't it? Something can be the most "DUH" method in existence - even so, one is rather taken aback when it actually works.

[flookadelic]

Excellent work Cat! Have to admire someone who takes their experience in such an open way when the previous experience is thought bundle after thought bundle unpacking themselves and running around like mad. Wishing you more success and more peace with it!

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, both of you.    It's another sign that CPTSD makes you live in bizarroland - that it's possible to wake up one day and go "oh hey, I can adjust the conditions in which I live until they suit me? wow, fancy that", when other people do that all the time.