Newbie

[Kara]

HI. I'm beginning to figure out my life all over again. I left my abusive husband almost 10 months ago, after 27 years. Divorcing a narcissistic attorney was no fun. We have 3 kids (ages 20, 17, 14), with joint custody. Kids make it hard to have no contact.

Saturday is our daughter's graduation open house party at his beach. I haven't spoken to him more than absolutely necessary since I left, because he uses any opportunity to manipulate. He tried talking to me before our final divorce hearing and I completely froze like a statue. Before our daughter's party, he will receive a letter from my lawyer that will make him furious. But I want to be there for my daughter. So I'll have 4 hours in his presence while trying to smile. I'm glad I have therapy before that! I'm scheduling good friends so there will never be a time I'm alone at the party.

I'm used to sacrificing my emotional safety "for the kids." But I've had some time to actually catch my breath and start feeling again. I don't know how I'll make it through 4 hours! God help me!

[Candid]

Before our daughter's party, he will receive a letter from my lawyer that will make him furious.

Oh dear!

I'm glad you'll see your therapist beforehand and will have good friends present. That will make all the difference.

I'm used to sacrificing my emotional safety "for the kids." But I've had some time to actually catch my breath and start feeling again.

Hang tough, Kara. Your children are at the ages when they will be less and less dependent on you. I'm glad you've found the forum, because people really do understand here.

[Kara]

Thank you so much for replying! On a holiday! (in USA) It gets crazier all the time. The past week my Ex has been contacting my family members, trying to get them to turn against me. (Some of them just want to punch him). I am the trustee of funds for the care of 2 adult relatives with special needs. He was the hired attorney to manage the funds. I didn't do much or change it during our divorce, because he already was difficult. He was physically and mentally scary. He also caused my legal fee to skyrocket while he retained almost everything. (He owns a law firm, I was a stay-home mom for 20 years and now work 2 jobs). I was homeless for almost 5 months to maintain the safety of a secret place to sleep. Now I have a tiny mobile home next to a highway. I wasn't out for money, just safety. Anyway, changing anything about the trust felt unsafe until recently. I hired another attorney to examine the trust, and then to take over. Ex has fought turning anything over. The new lawyer has serious concerns about his accounting and is reporting him to authorities for investigation. He will receive that notification tomorrow. Meanwhile, Ex manipulated the beneficiaries, insisting no one can take care of them like he does. He convinced them he is best, will help them, blah blah blah.... I don't care if I'm trustee. I didn't want to be. But I can't tolerate him manipulating my family to maintain control over them, possibly mismanaging their money. So while his crazy-making is in full swing, I want my daughter to have a nice grad party. It all seems so bizarre. How did I get here? How do I get out when I'm already out?! Last time he talked to me in person without someone right next to me, I went into full freeze mode, total statue. And I'm only beginning to realize how often that happened in private at home for all those years. Well, my therapist wanted me to stop avoiding emotions and actually feel. Here we go!

Thanks for being here. My friends are very supportive, but they can't really understand this.

[Three Roses]

Unfortunately, we do understand. To understand, you have to have experienced this in some form, I think.

You may benefit from watching some of The Spartan Life Coach's videos on youtube - I looked at some and chose this one to give you now, but he has many videos: https://youtu.be/0LRoCmWWsG4 (warning for language)

This video is also very good:
https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

Stay strong, you can do this

[JamesG]

oh don't worry in here, we get it all right.

So glad you got out. The transition will be demanding, troubling and a challenge, but you'll win. Don't let him define you, he only got this far by feeding off your strength. Proud of you

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