Where do i go from here *TW*

[Kbl17]

I just found out about CPTSD and i have to say, it makes total sense now why i feel like i cant get my life together. At 18 i married a 23 year old whom i had only known for a few short months. Over our 3 year marriage he had total control over me physically and emotionally. I felt like he would kill me before i would get away, and honestly, most days i wished for it. This man cheated on me, physically abused me, body shamed me, i was constantly "gaslighted". I had no idea if i was meeting dr jekyl or mr hyde day to day. Over time it seemed like i stopped being so afraid of him, an think i felt like i was provoking him to get it over with. I felt as if i had snapped. I caught myself planning how to kill him and decided to have a friend help me leave one day after work.
   I got a restraining order and did my best to stay away but something about him kept me. I felt i needed him. Fast forward 5 years. Ive been divorced for 5 years, i am remarried, and have children. Why after 5 years does his words and actions an face still flood my mind? He still contacts me, i have him blocked on social media but he emails me. I find it very messed up that i look for those emails. It flatters me?! This man who i fought so hard to get away from i now catch myself wanting his attention. My current husband has never hit me or tried too. I pretended for a long time that my ex didn't replay in my mind all the time but its consuming me now. My moods are a roller coaster, i cant stay faithful to my husband, and i do not trust him or anyone else. I am promiscuious almost like i cant even stop myself. When i feel feelings, like marrying my current husband i never stay for long. I use multiple sex partners to keep from feeling too much to get hurt. Last night my husband stayed out all night drinking, which has become normal. He came home an i tried provoking him i wanted him to say he hated me and he didnt love me. I wanted him to hit me?! I am so tired of this! What is wrong with me? 5 years i should be over it but it seems to just be getting bigger.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Kbl17! There is nothing wrong with you that isn't totally shared by some of us here and totally understood by us, too.

There are answers, believe me. Read our posts, ask questions, jump into threads or start your own. You'll be listened to here, and validated. Thanks for joining.