A difficult subject - ***** huge TW sexual reactivity *****

[Dee]

Sometimes here I wish I could be anonymous even while being anonymous.  But I'm going to go for it anyway.  A few times I think I have seen people talking about sexual reactivity.  This is a hard subject for me, something I have been deeply ashamed of.

I was sexually reactive as a child.  My Barbies and Ken played sexually.  From the ages of 6 to 11 I played sexually with my friends (four total).  I was the child I never wanted my kids to meet.  I often wonder if there is some person in therapy today because of what I, as a six year old, taught her.  As I got older and friends got older, it escalated.  At 11 a friend told me it was wrong, I was bad, and she was never doing that with me again.  I never did it again either.  I never told anyone; not even a therapist until recently.   I feel horrible about it.  It confirmed to me that I was evil.  I struggle with it today.

I would like the hard truth here, even if it isn't nice.  It is something I need to share with peers and get feedback on.

[Three Roses]

**more trigger warnings**

The way I see it, I was just a little girl who maybe had too much information and not enough protection. Children naturally repeat what happens to them, because they are led to believe that is what people do. It doesn't make us evil. We were misled, and it spread out from us, just as it was spread to us

I was very sexual as a child, even as a toddler. I remember having orgasms from a very early age. I know this is probably a sign I was molested or abused but I have no clear memories, just foggy ones.

I had 2 Barbis and one Ken, and there was always drama between them. I also pretended they were sexual.

I knew too much about sex for my age, and I talked to the neighborhood girls about it. Two of them began experimenting. I feel a little responsible, for introducing them to information they weren't ready for.

When you know better, you do better. A child isn't evil or bad. As we grow and learn and change our behavior, no matter when that occurs, it shows that we are overcoming and learning to do better. It didn't start with us but we're stopping it!

[Blackbird]

**continuing TW here too.**

Yes, I took part in similar behaviours. My dolls were very sexualized, my first kiss (at 6) was with a girl and she became very uncomfortable and refused to play with me again because of my sexual behaviour with her... Something I'm deeply embarassed about, to this day she can't look me in the eye. I figure it also has to do with some homophobia too, but it's weird, I felt like I abused her. She was a bit older than me, maybe 3 years older.

After that I went into complete lockdown until I was 12, when I had my "official first kiss" with a boy. I couldn't kiss him properly, I was too scared. Then at 13 I loosened up with a boyfriend I was more comfortable with. Then after that at 14 I was sexually abused and stayed with the guy, accepting my fate like I had consented. My T thinks I knew I hadn't consented but something in me allowed and permitted the abuse, repeating behaviours from my childhood. At 16 I was able to be sexual again, but this time I was in control.

4 years later I was sexually abused again, but I was no longer a child.

[sigiriuk]

Thx for sharing Dee.
I felt your account was so well written, I could imagine what it was like for you. Like me, you were damaged sexually by someone who got gratification from doing so.

Without wanting to sound glib, it is like introducing a 3yr old to Quantum Physics and the child enjoying it physically, at an age when his/her little brain can't handle it.

Like all children, I liked to play with other children, and liked things that I enjoyed physically. That, for me, is the innocence of childhood.

Sex is a hugely powerful drive, and is something only adjusted grownups can manage morally , ethically, and can reflect on.

So I realise that I am not alone with this, having read your post.

Slim X

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for posting this topic Dee. It is one I have struggled with a lot in my life and not admited to my T yet. I am so glad to see everyone sharing on this.

*trigger warning*

For me it started early. I used to play doctor with my sister, telling her it was good and helpful. We got caught by our parents and that ended. I can't remember exactly what they told us but they did see it as a sign  of the abuse that was going on at the time.

Later after the abuse ended I used to play intense games of truth and dare with a few friends of mine. It often led to very sexual things, and eventually led to me feeling terrible and responsible for introducing them to those things.

I have always felt like my abusers succeeded in corrupting me when I remember this. It is a comfort to see others that have experienced it and to realize I wouldn't think badly of any of you. We were childern and had not been shown any better.

[Blueberry]

Dee, you are courageous with this question!  Thanks for sharing.

**** Trigger warning here too ****
Once in a swimming pool I tried to pull a boy's swimming trunks off. I knew him, we must've been about 8 years old. I honestly didn't even know it was a sexualised act, I thought it was just a way of annoying people, done by M to us kids all the time.  The boy's reaction told me it was wrong. I also joined in M once doing it to B2.  My grandparents were in the room, it was totally 'open' for all to see. After that occasion, when I was max. 11, I never did anything sexual to a person again, apart from myself.  And am I ever ashamed of that too. The whole topic including consensual sexuality is a no-go area for me, has been since I hit puberty.

As I've written elsewhere, particular words are triggering for me. I used to look them up in the dictionary, though I knew the words quite well, and obsess over them and more particularly have a sexual reaction. I was still a child. 10 or 11 at the most, may even have been younger.

Those who did CSA on us, they did the wrong thing, they acted evil. It wasn't us. They left us, struggling to overcome these feelings and reactions that we didn't know what to do with. 

[Dee]

This could take us onto an entire different subject too.  I have a list of words that I cannot say and some I can't even write.  My therapist had me write the list so we could work on a few at a time. 

[Elphanigh]

Dee that would be another great topic. I struggle with some words still, although some of them are not as bad as they used to be. I do find myself avoiding words as well, because they are triggering for me to say/write. I would be curious what a post on that would come to look like. It could be really productive