Feeling detached *TW*

[Blackbird]

My T brought up the idea of bringing back the memories of sexual abuse again yesterday. I was trying to forget about it to be honest, but he wants me to try and deal with it, when I'm ready.

Since then, I'm feeling detached from myself.

I need to deal with this, so here goes.

*TW ahead*

I made my mother realize that my father was an abusive person, emotionally towards her, physically towards my grandpa, and sexually towards me and possibly my sisters. It came as a shock to her, she didn't realize it before he was that abusive.

My father had no boundaries with me, we had a weird too-close relationship, but not father-daughter relationship, it was weird and I don't want to think about it completely. Anyone relates? He forced me to kiss him, he watched me take baths, I can't remember if he actually touched me or not. I will remember it eventually, when I'm ready.

He also had few boundaries with my sisters, although not the same extent as me as far as I'm aware. My middle sister also revictimizes herself. My oldest sister had the strenght (or luck) to find a great guy, they're married for a lot of years now and have three wonderful kids. The oldest was the favorite, maybe he didn't do anything with her, maybe he had more self control back then, who knows? I'm the youngest and was his daughter during the worst and most difficult period of his life, both my sisters were adults then and dealt with him with contempt and went NC. I stayed and took care of him, dealing with his problems. They only broke NC to protect me, especially my middle sister. I was angry at them for so long, I'm not anymore.

People like to glorify him since his death. I fell for it. My sisters carefully exchanged looks between them when that happened. The truth is, they are actually closer to his side of the family than I am. I was always the outsider, closer to my mother's side of the family.

I was also the scapegoat, my middle sister is perfect and my older sister is strong. I'm the weak one, the mentally ill one, the troublemaker, the drug addict, etc etc etc. Nobody sees it as an injury, it took me so long to see it like that, thank god for this forum and my T.

For so long I allowed to be abused over and over again, for 20 years. I made the math since the time I was possibly sexually abused by my father. Maybe I'm still allowing it, by living with my mother currently and having to take the blame for my injuries.

I'm lost and feeling detached. The memories will only come when I'm ready for them to come.

[Hope66]

Hi Blackbird,
You were brave to write this, and I just wanted to say that - and I think you're right, you are going at a pace that feels right for you, and I just wanted to say I think you did well to write this.  I can't say more at the moment, as I can't formulate my words properly - just at this moment - but  to you.
Hope 

[Blackbird]

Thank you Hope, it means a lot. 

[Dee]

TW - sex abuse

There are so many things I can relate too.  I also feel like the scapegoat, the one with the problems.  The difference is I go to therapy and my sister doesn't.  She has all the same problems, but thinks she doesn't because she doesn't get help.

When I was inpatient I realized I have beginnings and ends, but much of the time I don't know for sure what happened.  The therapist told me that I don't have to remember to heal.  My takeaway with memories is it is okay to not remember.

I walked away from an abusive home to an abusive marriage.  I had no idea I was being abused.  I thought that crying during sex was my issue, related to the past.  I stayed for 20 years.  It is time for us to heal.

[Blackbird]

It is time for us to heal.

I agree, Dee