Words relating to abuse **TW**

[Dee]

I have difficulty saying some words and even writing some as well.  My therapist had me write a list so we could work on a few at a time (we haven't started yet).  Sexual and abuse are two I can write, but not say.  Then there are the words that I renamed like the "R word."  I can write it sometimes only.  On my list I even had to find and cut out words from magazines and newspapers that were at least close.  I can try to say words, but I lose my voice and can barely squeak it out.  How is it words hold so much power?  What have other's done to take the power away?

[sigiriuk]

Hi Dee
I get this too. Sometimes I can't even remember certain words.

I think words are receptacles for some sort of meaning. For me, they capture my physiological feelings (of arousal) and emotional pain, and make it more manageable.

That makes these words powerful and terrifying for me.

I hope this gives you some ideas to work with

Slim

[Elphanigh]

Dee, I relate so much to this. I also have a difficult time with the "R word" it is one I a have always struggled with. I worked on it some with my first therapist. She had me practice writing it just on a piece of paper on my own. Trying to write it five times, then ten, then fifteen. As far as speaking it we practiced using the word in session. Being able to say it once or twice in session and it was part of my homework to say it to myself three times in a row. This was really hard work. I think for some people it would sound silly, but that was truly so difficult to do. It is good and worthwhile work though. I still struggle with saying the word but it has less power over me.

I got told once that words hold power because we have attached images and feelings to them. Its like when we have affirmations those words hold good feelings because we have intentionally attached it to those words. With these words though we placed bad meaning and anxiety to them so they hold that power. In order to work past them we have to desensitize our selves to them, to remove some of the anxiety and reaction we have attached to the word.

It is not easy but it is possible from my understanding. There are some therapies that can take a bit of an aim at that from what I understand.

One of my words is Cinderella,  yes like the princess. It is still a triggering word for me I can type it but hearing it is much harder. I used to get called that and the problem is that I still look like that so I get compared to her sometimes. It triggers me badly to be called that or even compared, it causes an intent fight reaction. I get defensive and shut those people out almost instantaneously. I cringe at the mention of it just related to the movie title sometimes.. Silly word to have such an attachment to.

[Dee]

Not silly at all to have an attachment to a word.  It is triggering.  There is a common phrase that I hear a lot (though becoming less popular) and it sends me into a flashback every time.  Now that I think of it I cringe at the words when I hear them, especially the R word.  I never thought about it but they do hold images and feelings.  I spend so much time avoiding them I never thought to wonder what I am avoiding.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad it isn't silly. I am sorry you have these same experiences with words, but I am so glad that we can validate each other. Also am glad you are starting to see that you attached images to these things, is I imagine a great step towards healing. 

[jennyjenny]

I got told once that words hold power because we have attached images and feelings to them.

Wow. Yet another thing that I forgot about, and am remembering now. I have trouble with a slang term for a certain body part, because my Grandfather said it to me sexually. (I apologize, is this a TW!? Please let me know so I can edit and do that correctly).

And yes, all of my feelings about him and these incidents are attached to that word and the images (pictures) I have of the events. I only remember him saying the word once, but it's interesting to me that the other event that I remember (I believe it only happened twice) is also all tied up in the attachment to that word and picture and I don't remember his voice, but I remember my FEELINGS about his voice - only when I think of that specific word.

My skin crawls like crazy any time I think it or hear it. I used to ask people not to use it around me. I have not heard it in a few years so I forgot about it until right now. Wow. Thank you.

[Elphanigh]

I am really glad that it was a good reminder to you. All the hugs and comfort to you if you want them 

[silentrhino]

I also have a few words which trigger me, right straight into a flashback.  Sometimes I say them out loud just to see if I'm able to tolerate them but i can't. If others say them to me, I'm outta there.

[Elphanigh]

Silentrhino I am glad you can identify them and know what is going on. I hope one day that you will grow to tolerate them more. I think it comes with recovery from what I have been told and read

[Kat]

When I first started therapy, I found it very difficult to speak at all.  I would want to, but literally couldn't get myself to say anything.  I also had tons of dreams of having shards of glass or pieces of sharp metal embedded in the inside of my mouth.  In the dreams I would try pulling them out, but there were so many pieces it was impossible to get them all out.  I assume this was an indication of just how dangerous it was or felt like it was to speak my truth. 

[Dee]

I have trouble speaking of trauma.  I can't say it.  I have to start with writing it, then reading one word, then two.  I also have to say it on the out breath.  It took a lot to get me to this point.  I once was told find five words that I could read.  It took me forever to find five words.  Two years of therapy and I have only discussed a few incidents.  I'll get there, just don't know how or when.

[Elphanigh]

It is a really difficult process to talk about trauma. I struggle too, it is easier to write it all down than it is to actually voice it.

Dee I know you will get there one day, small steps and lots of kindness

[Blueberry]

I think for me it's easier to voice it than write it, so long as I know that the people I'm voicing it to are generally supportive and basically believe me. Like in special therapy groups I used to go to, where people were really attuned to sensing. So other people who'd run cold when you talked about xyz and knew that you weren't making mountains out of molehills etc.

Writing is hard for me in general, for other reasons. I tend to self-destruct while I'm doing it, especially if I am writing out by hand. Computer's not so bad because I'm using both hands on the keyboard rather than just one on paper and the other flapping around doing what it wants. Except it's not so much out of control any more. I'm not a victim of my own hand and its destructive tendencies any more.