How many lives can one person touch (and hurt)

[Dee]

So here it is.....

My cousin in another country emailed and talked about the lies my mom has spread and the people she has hurt.  She has a gambling problem that was uncontrolled when my dad went to prison.  She borrowed money from my aunts and uncles, who in turn borrowed money from their children.  Now we are looking at all kinds of people with financial distress caused from my dad's incarceration.  I can think of at least 10 people that have been hurt and their lives changed.  There are probably more when considering children of children.  It's hard to sit here and read an email from my cousin talking about my mom's actions and not feel horrible.  She emailed my sister to tell her all my mom has done.  All because a 17 year told on her dad.

[Three Roses]

No! Because that dad made very poor choices and did hurtful things to the ones he was supposed to protect. And then because a mom decided to not get help and continue down a destructive path. Neither cause has anything to do with a 17 year old girl rightfully standing up for herself, just wanting the pain to end.

Not. Your. Fault.

[Dee]

Thank you Three Roses, I'll try to put it in perspective.  It is so hard when it feels like it never ends.  It amazes even me to think it keeps on going.  So many lives hurt.  Generations of pain.

[Blueberry]

No! Because that dad made very poor choices and did hurtful things to the ones he was supposed to protect. And then because a mom decided to not get help and continue down a destructive path. Neither cause has anything to do with a 17 year old girl rightfully standing up for herself, just wanting the pain to end.

Not. Your. Fault.

Also the aunts and uncles could have said 'No' to lending money. It's not your fault now Dee nor was it when you were a 17 year old or anywhere in between. 
for your courage and strength.

[radical]

I feel I recognise this rage.

My own advice to myself:  disengage from the focus and from any and all conversations anyone else tries to have with me about that person and anything to do with the whole situation, outside of therapy.  This isn't something I can process anywhere else.

Mine is a different situation from yours, Dee.   I'm in the position of having to deal with that focus and manage my feelings in my own best interest.  The danger for me is that all the abuse I have experienced in my life has become concentrated into this feeling and if I don't unpack it in a safe setting, the person who will it will harm is me.

For me, this situation is a kind of dangerous opportunity.  The anger is telling me that I'm unsafe, and what I most need to do is protect myself.  What I need to not  do is to react. Grey rock, disengagement, self-soothing and finding and releasing the hurt and confusion is the only course that wont hurt me.

Rage and powerlessness are a dangerous combination.  I'm nurturing hope as the way through.

Disregard if this reply doesn't relate or help.

[Dee]

I am digesting and I have therapy tomorrow.  I'll post more once I can process this better.

Thank you for the support.

[Dee]

I got a prescription in therapy today for no family contact over the weekend.  We also updated my safety plan.

We also discussed how these family issues were going on long before I was ever born.

I am feeling a bit better and need to stay strong with the no contact over the weekend.

[jennyjenny]

Hi Dee,

Thank you for this post. I relate so much. My family communicated in the same manner, and no one takes responsibility for their own adult behavior.

I chose to start actively saying things to the effect of "Oh, I don't want to talk about so and so. I prefer direct communication. I'm sorry you are going through that. ...... (subject change)" .* (this when I did speak to my family - I no longer do, going on 3 years)* or to actively NOT engage on topics like the one you have shared about.

I echo what everyone else has shared, and in my experience, as much as I did NOT want to lose more family members, I found that it only harmed me (and in the same emotional spots as the original traumas did, so more pain on the same pathways - if that makes sense - and realized that sadly, discussing things like this with them made it that I was now doing the self harm by allowing these discussions. It was a very hard realization, but I have to say that I am much more peaceful now. I do not have anyone in my current life that speaks about my family in any manner that makes me feel responsible for anything my family has done. AND, I have also been able to take responsibility for my own behavior in reaction to them in the past (screaming, going off the deep end with raging at them etc).

I find this talking about other people behind their backs as a way to "love" your family is very common in families where trauma is or has occurred. Since I prefer direct clear communication, I had to stand firm that I will not discuss one sibling with another sibling, or one sibling with my mother etc - and that did not work so well. However, now that I don't speak to them, I do not have this issue anymore.

I can only imagine that I would feel the same way you did after this email. However, adults are responsible for their own behavior and their own choices. I do not lend people money, for example, after learning the hard way. I am an adult and I now make the difficult choice to let people in my life know that I do not lend money. Your family members all had this choice available to them as well. They did not choose to protect themselves, and this has nothing to do with you.

You did the most amazing thing I can think of! You TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF , and YOU LOVED YOURSELF in the face of unimaginable horror being perpetrated against you by your own parents. THAT is something to tell yourself every single day that makes you AMAZING!!!!!!

(Sorry for the all caps - I hope that's ok. I like to use all caps sometimes to let people know how much I mean it It's not me screaming).

Also, I am so so so so sorry for all that you have to go through. I hope my response has helped you in some way?

Thank you for continuing to share, reading these posts helps me a lot. <3

[Dee]

jennyjenny - This was a super sweet, nice, supportive reply.  It gives me hope that there is more to life than family.  It is so hard to think that family can be who you choose and not those that are blood.  I may reply more later but I am really trying to process everything.

After I read the original email from my cousin again I realized there was so much more she was talking about.  I can't even begin to say how many times she used the word "secrets."  I emailed her today to ask what she is referring to when she talks about secrets.  I am afraid this thread is to be continued once I get a reply from her.  The question may also put a finality to relations with my immediate family.  I have been "forbidden" from having any contact with any of my family outside my sister, her kids, and my mother.

[jennyjenny]

.  I have been "forbidden" from having any contact with any of my family outside my sister, her kids, and my mother.

I remember being "forbidden" from having contact with various siblings / relatives at various times.  Sigh.

No worries about replying or not - I understand things can be overwhelming to process. Same for me. I get it.

Also, I will clarify that I have yet to find a "chosen" family for myself - but I do have friends that I relate to, who I feel hear me and listen to me and actually see me. They think I have a lot of very nice qualities that I am happy to hear when they tell me I have them.  And these relationships are subtly making me realize that there is more to life than family, it just lacks the intensity that my FOO relationships had, so it looks very different. 

At any rate, I also imagine that if I were in your present situation, with the possibility of having another family member validate me ( your cousin and talking about the "Secrets"), I'd want to know what they had to say.

Those kinds of conversations with anyone in my FOO, even the estranged aunts, were always so weird and difficult. I hope this one goes smoothly for you, you deserve that.

And yes, there absolutely is life after family. There also is FREEDOM. <3