Depersonalization/derealization in childhood

[Annarae12]

This could possibly being triggering so please keep that in mind.

I was thinking recently about something I remember as a child (around 4 or 5 is my first memory of it) and it would always terrify me, im very curious to see if anyone has had similar experiences as a child. I remember sometimes (usually when laying in bed to go to sleep) I would have this overwhelming thought wondering if I was real and if I existed then the room would start to feel very big and dark and it would terrify me. I usually could snap out of in within a few minutes. My depersonalization/derealization is a lot different and worse now but as a child I never knew what it was. Its crazy to realize I have probably been experiencing depersonalization/derealization since I was a small child. If anyone can relate id love to know. Thanks.

[sigiriuk]

Yes, I got that too. You are not alone.
I also have huge memory gaps due to dissociation.
Slim

[Hazy111]

Ive got a different take but similar.

I remember waking up ( i always slept with light on, as i was terrified of the dark) from a nightmare about same age maybe slightly older and thinking there was somebody outside the room or looking through the window. I would lie perfectly still in bed terrified, listening for every sound to confirm my fears and  that if i moved they would pounce or see me. Eventually id gain enough courage to get up and run to my parents bedroom or id knock on the adjoining wall trying to wake my mother.

Maybe my brain was processing the fear/abuse of that day?

I also have huge blanks from my childhood. My T said it was dissociation

[Blackbird]

I've also seem to always dissociate, I'm a very dissociative person to be honest. Sometimes I dissociate during perfectly normal conversations and need to ask the other person to repeat what they said. It's one of the reasons I like the internet, and text messages, I can take my time to answer if I dissociate.

The first memory I have of a dissociation episode, most likely depersonalization, I was making bracelets with my friends in school's recess or probably lunch time and had the strange feeling I wasn't real. I remember it vividly. I don't remeber anything particularly stressful during that time, so it probably started sooner.

[alchemist]

That happened to me when I was seven.

[Liminality]

(Sorry to answer months after the last one, I hope it's allowed?)

I also experienced that. Remember when I was a child, maybe 6-7, we had choir practice and I started having strange visual hallucinations. The choir master's head suddenly growing and becoming disproportionately big, then shrinking back to normal. Or feeling like suddenly I was floating over my own body, or the entire room going dark except for the pianist.

What's funny is, at the time it didn't appear scary to me, it just was. I remember feeling detached and vaguely intrigued by the phenomena, but not scared. Same happened later, when I was in my late teens. I remember I was in class one day, early January not long after hitting 18, writing this in my diary: "It's like sometime around Christmas I fell asleep and never woke up, and now my life isn't real anymore."

[Andyman73]

Not sure, don't know. Have huge amounts of lost time. Can't recall any as a child, only because I can't recall. I have lost several thousand hours as an adult, though. I have experienced hundreds and hundreds of episodes of deja vu. When I mentioned that at t several weeks ago(only just started going), she immediately asked how long I been dissociating. I have had a handful of OOB experiences during CSA and SA.  I have been told for over 35 years that my memories are false, too fabricated or fantastic to be believed. I have absolutely no recollection of any of my childhood memories. Not what I remember about then, but memories that I spoke about that were then told to be lies...by my parents, teachers, principle...
I've had the looking out of a fish bowl experience, behind glass, through a tv or movie screen sensation.

Ehhh...I'm just a figment of my own imaginings...which are false and untrue because who would believe such a thing?

[ah]

Yes, I feel this way most of the time. I did for as long as I can remember. Not just the sense that my life isn't mine, but also the feeling that I'm not real at all.
Sometimes it's scary, other times it's comforting.
The problem is our experiences are all too real and so is the pain they caused. How anyone can even remotely imagine the things we went through are made up is beyond me. Yes, I understand it's easier to fathom a kid making up fantastic lies than realizing people can be fantastically cruel, but... I. Don't. Lie. Being disbelieved just made me more and more truthful so I struggle so being disbelieved leaves me feeling invisible and not worthy of being seen.
No wonder we'd feel unreal after a lifetime of that.

[Andyman73]

Wanted to add....that guy in the mirror just doesn't look like me. I don't recognize him as me. Not to say I don't know that it is the face stuck to my head on my body. Just that I don't automatically say "hey dude! Good to see you!!!" I'm more like....you seem vaguely familiar but I can't quite place you.

[BlancaLap]

Sorry you had that experiences... I don't remember having that experiences as I child (I have a lot of amnesia... just saying) but I remember wondering what will happen when I die and thinking... well. Anyway, I remember I had a similar experience, this year I think? I don't know, but I have a feeling that it will happen to me again...

[salto]

Yeah, this happened a lot when I was a kid. But it wasn't kinda scary. Was more a way to move the scary things and scary faces away.... Like a game: "You're angry at me? Then I'll move you far away so your're not that scary anymore"...... I thought everybody could do this Think I did it almost every night lying in my bed.

[Cookido]

It happens quite often to me that I space out from reality. I wasn't aware of it being dissociation until recently. Sometimes I think back and I can't remember the past few weeks, it's like a blur in my mind. My lack of memory can really make me feel like I exist outside of reality. It's a hard realisation that friends, family and the rest of the world continue living while I seem to be stuck in the same place. 

I also think that due to lacking memories of my childhood it increases the feeling of not having an identity and therefore not being someone. However, we are several people experiencing this which means our feelings and thoughts are real. At least for me it helps hearing others stories because it gives a sense of not being alone or alienated.