CPTSD makes it hard to trust my partner

[caityp]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. Two years ago, I went through an intense period with my ex-boyfriend while I was in high school. I would definitely call him emotionally abusive and sexually abusive. When he was upset, he would bombard me with messages and a couple of times he threatened suicide (even leaving me a note). He is very hard to describe, but I believe him to be a bit of a sociopath. He sexually harassed me as well before the relationship and during. Unfortunately, I was suffering with really bad anxiety and depression at the time and did not have the self-esteem to see my self-worth and get myself out of this situation. When our relationship ended, he told me he was possibly gay and that this realisation had happened while he was with me. He now has another girlfriend. After this, he continued to stay in contact with me and play mind games with me until eventually I became really confused and angry at him. I ended up telling some of my close friends that he had been sexually harassing me for a long time - which they did not believe. All my friends took his side and I had to drop out of school for a month because it became so bad. It is hard to put into words, but this experience was incredibly traumatic for me.

My current partner is kind, loving, caring, reliable and loyal. I really cannot say anything bad about how he treats me. He is a wonderful person who has shown me so much compassion. However, I have SO much trouble trusting him - especially when he wants to go out to a club with his friends. It has got to the point I have asked him not to go to clubs without me. I am not sure WHY clubs (nothing has ever happened to me at a club before). I am fine with him going anywhere else, but clubs for some reason really bother me. I talked to my GP and she diagnosed me with PTSD (along with my ongoing anxiety and depression which is now medicated). I want to be able to trust my boyfriend but I feel like eventually, he will leave me, realise I am not worthwhile, think I am crazy etc. I know I have very low self-esteem. I want to be a good partner for my boyfriend (even though he says I am). It is not fair that I don't fully trust him. Please, if anybody has experienced similar emotions or can help, please offer your advice.

[cosmo79]

Hi Caityp,

Yes, I've experienced similar emotions, and I think that probably many people on this board have, too. You ARE worthwhile and deserve a good relationship! It's okay to ask your bf not to go to clubs without you. I'd put that in the category of "quirky, but not problematic." You're not blaming him for this preference, and I think that's key.

I hope you can try to believe your bf when he says you're a good partner. And, I think that with time, these feelings will get abate. So sorry about the previous relationship, and especially about your friends taking your ex's side. You are a very strong person to have gotten through that.