CPTSD, early trauma and addiction

[Coco]

Apparently the higher the ACE score, the higher the likelihood of addiction. My ACE score is 9. I'm a heavy smoker. It's going to kill me early, damage done. I want to stop now though.

I think that people wired by CPTSD would need specialised skills to quit their substance of choice. For example, our ability to tolerate discomfort is different than other peoples, because discomfort is very triggering with all kinds of associations.

I think the presence of CPTSD raises some additional points of consideration to take into account and be aware of. I don't think that standard online advice about quitting substances is comprehensive enough for everyone. Know what I mean?

Does anyone have any experience of having quit a harmful substance that you originally used to escape your feelings?

I think one of the big challenges is that I use smoking to keep my emotions repressed, my feelings under control, and myself functional and able to appear normal. Taking that away will mean a period of intense vulnerability as I learn how to manage feelings I've spent over 15 yrs repressing. Feeling in an unfamiliar state, the process of change etc, is also very destabilising for me as I am unconsciously obsessed with control, stability, sameness.

Thoughts and experiences welcomed

[Blackbird]

Hey Coco! 

I was a heavy pot smoker, also did LSD, MDMA, cocaine, speed, you name it, except heroin. I quit everything including alcohol without help. It was kinda forced the first two weeks because I was in the hospital, but after that I stayed sober. That was three years ago.

Now I still smoke cigarettes, but the longer I stay connected to my inner child, the more I feel I'm harming her by smoking, so I want to quit soon.

My psychiatrist gave me a pack of gum, but I haven't been using it. I'm afraid of gaining more weight if I quit right away. I think I need to lose a few pounds to feel more comfortable first. But I will quit.

Good luck!

[Dee]

I have addiction issues.  Once I stop something I seem to replace it with something else.  I'm working on it.

[Blueberry]

I can't imagine getting by without at least one of my addictions or addictive behaviours. Can't imagine going cold turkey on all of them at once. I have in the past in inpatient treatment when it was required but at home, I've never managed to stay abstinent for long periods of time. When I had my unhealthy eating under control ( I used to deny myself a lot and was pretty anorexic in my outlook, now I eat too much), so much energy was going into that, that I had no energy for anything else. Like working or even washing the dishes or cleaning the house.

Like with Dee, if I stop something, I replace it with something else, usually. Just in the past couple of weeks I've managed to divert an addictive behaviour that I've done for at least 40 years into something much more healthy, which is even helping me heal, helping me accept my own body and ground myself. I haven't noticed that I'm leaning more on either of my other two addictive behaviours. So maybe it really is a breakthrough.

What definitely no longer helps me dealing with my addictive behaviour is the wisdom passed around at 12 Step meetings. That usually triggers inner rage. I don't go to 12 Step groups any more. Though others here may be helped. And that's great for them.

[Candid]

I use smoking to keep my emotions repressed, my feelings under control, and myself functional and able to appear normal. Taking that away will mean a period of intense vulnerability ...

[sanmagic7]

yep, lots of substance, food, control addictions along the way.  have quit and relapsed, especially with cigs, many times.  many many times!

it was, for me, a lot of escaping the pain, but also, with the alexithymia, it was attempting to put to rest the discomfort connected to the emotions i couldn't identify.  the substances are gone (drugs, alc., cigs) but the food stuff, while getting better, lingers.  i also find myself reverting to other addictions, including wanting to be with a man, when in the throes of extreme stress.

this stuff is tough, but we're tougher, of that i have no doubt.  we do what we can when we're ready, and i think that's a lot.  my continuing recovery is what really helped me get ready, and gave me the ability to lay some of those down.

while i still struggle with the cravings and urges at times, i do know that they're also part of this process.  i'm also with you on the 12-step thing.  the one thing, that it really helped me with, tho, was the spirituality piece.  it was at my first AA meeting that i finally felt what spirituality meant.  i'm grateful for that.  peace to you, and a big hug, coco.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi coco
It's great to hear you want to kick nicotine addiction .. and it's very possible
I have been clean and sober through AA for 7 yrs .. no nicotine for 4 yrs
For me it's 12 step recovery all the way I need lots of support to stay clean
There is a nicotine annoymous you may want to look up

[Spirals]

Hi, people 

I also have addictive/compulsive tendencies (where do I start, lol...).     This is my long essay of a response with my opinions and experiences on the subject, lol. 

I personally believe my brain is wired to need a substance of some kind. In addition to the PD issues on both sides, there is also a history of schizophrenia, bipolar, and epilepsy on my mother's side of the family. I always had ADHD and outbursts of frustration since I can remember but the serious depression and mood swings didn't start until I was 13 or 14. So I agree that CPTSD complicates quitting drug use.

It makes sense that you would find nicotine difficult to quit. I read a lot of Pubmed studies and nicotine has a variety of possible benefits for cognitive decline, mood stabilization, and antipsychotic properties. I actually use a patch to help stabilize my moods.

I've got a lot of flak for it, but it works for me. I may get on true mood stabilizers when I find a therapist or psychiatrist who I feel comfortable with. I have tried smoking/vaping but the highs and lows seemed to make me worse then either not smoking at all or the patch. Plus, burning any substance is bad for your body.

I can get off weed cold turkey but I've found that for me personally, it is better to taper off the harder stuff like alcohol. I have also noticed that my overall drug threshold has slowly decreased over the years the more I have worked on my mental health and interpersonal issues.

When I cut my former abusers out of my life, it was pretty obvious how I was using drugs to numb the emotional pain that was triggered by interacting with them. Now I mostly have to work on managing my stress levels or I begin binging, or acting out. Like a CPTSD relapse, I guess.

I recently tried to quit weed, alcohol, and nicotine patches but it was a disaster, lol. I feel your pain. I was so agitated and aggressive that I was not able to think very logically.     I felt like I was losing my mind. I got back on the patch because I was smoking so many cigarettes. I'm doing well with stopping the other two, though.

Have you tried something like Chantix? Maybe your doctor could prescribe a antianxiety drug? Or maybe vaping would work for you until you can stop, I guess the inhalation comfort ritual. I use drugs because they are really some of the only comfort I've ever known. They've always been there when I need them, and they "know" what to "do" to make me feel better, unlike people (generally).

I think that you should do what is best for your mental (and physical health), and on your timeline/pace. I've stopped drugs before I was ready to get other people off my back but I just wind up back on them after a binge. Or using them in reckless ways because I am trying to sneak around other people's judgement.

I think being emotionally and physically functional is more important then being "drug free." We are the ones that are going to deal with the consequences of our addictions, and emotional reactions, not the people who guilt us into living a "healthy/natural" lifestyle (generally).

I do think smoking is not very healthy, and nicotine comes with negative health effects so you should try to realistically decide if using it is the right choice for you and your particular situation. I think it is great you are trying to quit smoking, though. It's good you are trying to quit before you have a serious health issue from it and important to take care of your health. And practice self-love.     You can do it!

[texannurse]

I totally get this. I have more behavioral addictions and am working on overcoming that. It's so hard to let go of my self-medicating behaviors, especially as the trauma is brought up more and more in therapy. It's complicated because I feel like I'm dealing with so many things at one time - hence CPTSD.

Texannurse

[clarity]

For me it was food...agony for 30 years. Now a healthy and beautiful part of my life... achieved by resolving my trauma (somatic therapy) and learning how to self-soothe and parent myself lovingly so that I needed food less for that purpose.  it did not morph into another addiction. Still a complete miracle to me that I can be healthy and happy with food.  But that relationship with yourself is absolutely key.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi clarity good to hear your now good relationship with food
Self soothing and parenting self are so crucial for me ... I only learnt about self soothing when I put the food down as a drug
I start therapy soon and really ready for some more healing

[ToreyP]

I believe that I'm fortunate with avoiding addiction, out of sheer willpower.

The worst I've ever been addicted to was smoking, which I quit after only 5 years.

Most of my closest family members battled substance abuse all of my life - grandmother (alcohol), mother (opioids), aunt (opioids/alcohol) and sister who also battles C-PTSD (meth, opioids, alcohol).  Being surrounded by the pain of these addictions inspired me to fight with everything I had to not begin to abuse them.

[Candid]

It seems to me that they way out of addiction is not to fight it, but to focus on health and self-love.

[Blueberry]

Fighting my addictions doesn't help me but maybe willpower helps you avoid starting a particular addiction? I've been surprised on my travels to meet other people who did not drink any alcohol whatsoever, as in had never started, because they saw at such a young age what havoc it created in the family.  Even though what I saw wasn't even that bad, there were way worse problems than the results of the fairly mild alchoholism when I was growing up.

Otherwise I agree with Candid that self-love or at least self-acceptance is a better way out of addiction, at least for me. What works best for who might vary too. Sometimes therapy is the way out. I went cold-turkey with a behavioural addiction recently after a therapy session in which we weren't even working on the addiction! I can't remember what we were working on. It might have been abuse, it might have been self-love and body image.