Not motivated

[emotion overload]

I guess it's depression, which is part of the CPTSD.  When I came OOTF, I realized that for the last 2+ years, I have ignored everything in my life that wasn't screaming for attention.  I don't work, so you'd think my life would be in order.  But it's a mess.  I make the basic effort to keep the house clean enough that I'm not living in squalor, and I usually manage to keep the bills paid before they are late.  Other than that, I just can't get myself motivated enough to care about anything. 

It's particularly bad now, when I am not even interested in doing anything enjoyable.  Usually I at least like to read or watch tv, but there are plenty of days that I spend in bed, or just sort of staring off into space.  I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't want to go.  I don't want to talk, analyze, or work on anything. 

I do have good days, where I work frantically to try to catch up on the things I neglect.  But they aren't often or consistent enough for me to gain any traction.  I'm constantly in catch up mode. 

I think this is also the freeze part of CPTSD. 

Does anyone relate?  Have any advice about getting thru this?  I try to just force myself, but that doesn't work much. 

[keepfighting]

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry you're feeling so low right now. 

I have had a severe depression last year - pretty much the way you describe it. I felt crippled and went back to bed most days as soon as my kids had left the house. I am an absolute foodie under normal circumstances, but I hardly ate anything and didn't even fancy a Belgium chocolate any more (...that's when even my DD got really worried...).

Like you, I was in therapy at the time. I told my t about my depression and how severe it had become. She put the CPTSD treatment on hold and just helped me through my depression first. Which turned out to be a good call.

I had to be really really nice to myself - like I was the most important and most precious person in the world. I had to get out of the house every day and force myself to do/buy something which I would normally enjoy and feel it/them. Next session, I had to report back to her.

On my way home, I made myself stop at a place where they sell the best handmade Belgium chocolates in town. I bought a box of them and forced myself to eat one chocolate that night. Next day, I bought myself a cussion for my couch - fluffy and nice and totally my own. The next day, I bought a psychology magazine that was full of positive thoughts. Then, I went to a musical event with my family in the next village.... but each night, one chocolate until I started enjoying them again (took weeks, literally). They were a kind of lifeline for me (along with the other things and activities of course).

Then, when I started feeling a bit better, I didn't need my one chocolate a day any more (...which is a good thing because those little buggers are quite costly  ). But I still have a box in the house with a few left for 'emergencies' - to remind myself that even in black days there is something nice and that I can find it if I keep hanging in there.

eo - hang in there! Be nice really to yourself and ask your t for help!

Sending good thoughts and hugs your way. kf

[Butterfly]

KF thanks for these suggestions. Dark chocolate is my favorite and I have one square a day of fine dark chocolate and glad it's a suggested therapeutic indulgence !   seriously though, a daily indulgence of some sort as a treat is a most helpful idea.

[Badmemories]

@Emotionaloverload... So sorry You described everything I have been trying to get out of the depression hole for the last several months. {{{HUGS}}} It is not easy getting out.. I feel better for a few days and then splat I am back on the bed again..

Reading on here and OOTF helps me. I think It helps by giving me permission to do something for myself and reminds me I am not a lone!

@keepfinghting.
I had to be really really nice to myself - like I was the most important and most precious person in the world. I had to get out of the house every day and force myself to do/buy something which I would normally enjoy and feel it/them. Next session, I had to report back to her.

On my way home, I made myself stop at a place where they sell the best handmade Belgium chocolates in town. I bought a box of them and forced myself to eat one chocolate that night. Next day, I bought myself a cussion for my couch - fluffy and nice and totally my own. The next day, I bought a psychology magazine that was full of positive thoughts. Then, I went to a musical event with my family in the next village.... but each night, one chocolate until I started enjoying them again (took weeks, literally). They were a kind of lifeline for me (along with the other things and activities of course).


I don't think I treat myself very nice. I procrastinate so much. Even doing things I need to do for MYSELF. I am trying to work from lists now..At least I feel a sense of accomplishment when I work on the lists.

[Kizzie]

I had to be really really nice to myself - like I was the most important and most precious person in the world. I had to get out of the house every day and force myself to do/buy something which I would normally enjoy and feel it/them.

KF, tks so much for posting this - it speaks so clearly to our need to be kind, patient, and loving with our selves. 

[PureJoy]

Oh my goodness, Emotion Overload, I am in exactly the same place you are.  I am so sorry for you, but I hope therapy went well and helped you.  When I am in this mode, it only makes me feel worse about myself.  The one thing I do is write down on my calendar every little thing I accomplish for that day.  Then when I look back over the week before I can see that I was not completely "lazy" as some would say.  Some days I can do more than others.  Do you ever think back to the times when you were so busy and you wonder how you accomplished everything?  I do that when remembering taking care of my children when they were home, or when I remember taking care of my parents.  It exhausts me to even think about doing that much again.   

So yes, I am not much interested at this point in trying to analyze or work on my problems.  Maybe it is because the trauma is still so fresh for me. 

Badmemories, I see that you make lists also.  It does help.  And chocolate for sure!!

[KAF]

Hi NotMotivated

I can relate.  I have a hard time with what I refer to as lazy behaviour, but it more likely depression and/or procrastinating because of fear of trauma or failure. 

[emotion overload]

I forced myself to go to my therapist today.  She said, I want to give you some perspective into your life.  You are beating yourself up for being stuck here, but looking at your story, it is amazing that you have held it together as well as you have.  You haven't done it perfectly.  But the fact that you come here every week, with more research than I have EVER seen any other client bring, means that there is something in you that is driving you to get well. 

I almost cried.  I do have a rough story, which I'm not sure I've shared here.  But she equated it to a whirlwind of managing a PD marriage, and then my uBPDh died.  Things didn't calm down from there, I then suffered a whirlwind of crazy in the 6 years since his death.  She said it was normal that I was where I was, and implied that it was actually a very strong person who would even try to come back from that.

I asked about the prognosis.  She said recovery is possible.  Sometimes it is longer than others.  We talked in terms of the layers of the onion.  If we can find the core, it can go faster.  But she will only ever go at my pace.

I love my T. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Can you clone your therapist? She sounds really nice.

What you wrote has been the story of my life for the past dozen years or more. I'm jobless, too, and there's this part of me that thinks this means my place should be extra clean and super tidy. That thought triggers emotional flashbacks. I only realized this just now. I was depressed as a child (undiagnosed, of course), and I got a lot of emotional abuse for the symptoms. So nowadays when I get sleepy or sad, a part of me panics and wants to go into overdrive to prove my worth. Only, that never works, because emotional flashbacks puts on the handbrake on everything. No wonder I don't get anything done.

Maybe we shouldn't compare ourselves to people without CPTSD when it comes to how much we get done. If you've lost a leg, you'd expect things to be slower, messier, and less efficient than before. Isn't CPTSD like that? The nicest thing I ever read on the topic of "mothers and housework" is: "nobody ever had to go into therapy because their mother didn't hoover enough."

[Butterfly]

It's good you went for therapy and she sounds wonderful! Prognosis positive. Motivation vs enthusiasm. Once looked up the definitions. Motivation is a thing of the mind and I often confuse this with enthusiasm which is an emotion. Don't need to be enthused to be motivated, need to decide to do something and do it, that's motivation.

[emotion overload]

Can you clone your therapist? She sounds really nice.

What you wrote has been the story of my life for the past dozen years or more. I'm jobless, too, and there's this part of me that thinks this means my place should be extra clean and super tidy. That thought triggers emotional flashbacks. I only realized this just now. I was depressed as a child (undiagnosed, of course), and I got a lot of emotional abuse for the symptoms. So nowadays when I get sleepy or sad, a part of me panics and wants to go into overdrive to prove my worth. Only, that never works, because emotional flashbacks puts on the handbrake on everything. No wonder I don't get anything done.

Maybe we shouldn't compare ourselves to people without CPTSD when it comes to how much we get done. If you've lost a leg, you'd expect things to be slower, messier, and less efficient than before. Isn't CPTSD like that? The nicest thing I ever read on the topic of "mothers and housework" is: "nobody ever had to go into therapy because their mother didn't hoover enough."

I really relate to this.  I kept my house clean as a child.  I don't recall my mother ever cleaning.  It's just hard, becaucse I want to feel productive about something.  But as it turns out, cleaning gives me no satisfaction.  I don't care.  I need to find something to makes me feel productive, satisfied, and whorth something.

[schrödinger's cat]

...I want to feel productive about something.  But as it turns out, cleaning gives me no satisfaction. 

Exactly! It's like blowing one's nose: it's necessary and you do it, but nobody in their right mind would ever make it the be-all and end-all of their existence. You'd never get any TV ad showing a blissful woman says: "I tested this new hanky and now I have the most amazingly shiny nose!" And nobody would expect blowing my nose to fulfill me as a woman.

I tried to be a good housewife, but then my CPTSD got worse and I capitulated. I'm now trying to organize my lethargy. I've made a three-level plan.

Level 0: have unrelenting standards, be triggered, battle CPTSD.
Level 1: I do the tasks that, if I don't do them, get me or my kid in trouble. (Fix meals, buy toilet paper, buy birthday presents, do my techniques that help me keep my CPTSD bearable,...).
Level 2: I fix/organize/clean everything that really annoys me until it doesn't annoy me anymore.
Level 3: I take my kitchen timer with me and spend five minutes on each room. (Intervals up to 20 minutes work. Everything else feels too long.) And every day, I'm cleaning one room. Monday is kitchen day. The task gets divided into a basic program plus one extra task. Basic kitchen program: tidy, do dishes, wipe down surfaces, clean draining board and sink. Weekly extra: either clean windows OR wipe cabinet fronts OR declutter a shelf (etc etc). Pick just one, no more.

This plan isn't fully foolproof. But it has the advantage of keeping the unrelenting standards at bay that my mother had when I was a child. It gives me a feeling of being in control. And it helps with the lack of motivation. I can't "tidy the living room", but I can spot the most annoying bit of clutter and then tidy that up. I can't "clean all the things", but I can clean my sink and draining board. There's also this in-built level at which I get to feel accomplished. On Mondays, once I've tidied things up a bit and done the kitchen, then that's it, I achieved my goal, everything else I do is a bonus. It's calming, that thought.

(Sorry this is so long. Most probably this won't be helpful for anyone but myself. I just thought I'd risk posting it anyway.)

[Butterfly]

You sound like a Fly Lady graduate!

[schrödinger's cat]

That's this program on how to do chores, yes? I heard of it, but I never did it. I read as far as her advice on how to clean draining boards. She realy, really hates dirty draining boards. From what I remember, she only jiiust goes short of throwing molotov cocktails on them to try and explode the dust particles. Since part of my problem are my mother's really high standards plus her insistence that there's a "right way" to doing chores, I didn't read further.

The "room of the day" thing and the "basic program plus one extra task" are from a Swiss book. A friend of mine enthused at me about it until I gave it a try. The "so-and-so many minutes" approach is the pomodoro technique, but I heard from it first in an article about how to overcome writer's block.

Now there's a thought! I have Cleaner's Block!

[keepfighting]

Now there's a thought! I have Cleaner's Block!

Finally! A name for it!