Not motivated

[schrödinger's cat]

I studied translation at university. Translators know that finding the right term fixes everything.

That isn't even a joke. Okay, it is, but it's got a kernel of truth to it. The Sapir-Whorf-Hypothesis says that how we conceptualize and use language has some effect on how we conceptualize the world, maybe even on how we feel about things and on what we end up doing. (If this weren't so, prunes would never have been rebranded as "dried plums", and marketing departments wouldn't exist.)

More specifically, there's the relationship between a word and its meaning. In translation theory, some call it the scene and the frame. (Or signifiant and signifié, but I find that sounds less snazzy.) The "scene" is what you picture in your head, the "frame" is how you express it. You hear "mousse au chocolat" (frame) and it instantly evokes tastes, smells, specific memories, maybe a certain kind of chocolate, maybe the social setting you expect to find it in, maybe the colour of your favourite bowl. All of that taken together is the scene.

So my theory is: In CPTSD, some real and actual events are framed in inaccurate, spin-doctoring terms. Those terms then evoke toxic, unhelpful scenes.
Actual fact: lethargy, freeze response, depression. Frame: "lazy", "inept", "selfish", "worthless". Scene: every memory ever where I felt lazy and worthless. Effect: emotional flashback. Lesson learned: find an accurate way of talking about lethargy. Points in favour:

• Accurate terms always have priority. (Even my inner critic agrees, so probably he's a translator as well.
• Recovery entails learning that I have every right to let the truth be the truth, so this word thing is a part of healing. A tiny part maybe, but a part.
• Most of those toxic frames and scenes are taken from people who abused me. Those are their thoughts, not mine; not originally. I'm taking back my right to look at my own experiences and find proper words for it.

[li]Those toxic frames and scenes are process-oriented. They take housework and make it so it's all about character faults. This is not how a professional would think. A professional would first attentively observe the present situation; then work out a desirable and reachable goal; then work out strategies and ways of reaching it that are doable; then go on doing it. A professional would be goal-oriented and realistic, always checking the real world for facts and feedback. Therefore, if I refuse to feel "lazy" when I'm slowed down by an emotional flashback, I'm being professional. (Again: professionalism is always a good thing in my culture, and my inner critic agrees, so the mere use of the word "professional" calms him.)
[/li][/list]

In other words: hi, I'm schrödingerskatze, and I routinely overthink the fact that I hate hoovering.

[emotion overload]

I love the posts here.  Because yes, it does have to do with the CPTSD.  Somedays I am on the ball, the house is as tidy as it gets for me.  Somedays (and these days can turn into weeks), things fall apart. 

But yeah, I am going to remember the kleenex analogy.  No one wants to spend their time making the house perfect (and if they do, god bless them)

[Badmemories]

Very though provoking writing. Thank You for sharing it!

[Butterfly]

schrödingerskatze, interesting concept. Love it!

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for your kind words. I was afraid I'd theorized too much. Phew.

[Butterfly]

[Kizzie]

Ditto that     I like the way you lay things out and have a good look at them, gets the brain cells going!

[Badmemories]

I have read This quit a few times and I get more and more out of it. You wrote:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So my theory is: In CPTSD, some real and actual events are framed in inaccurate, spin-doctoring terms. Those terms then evoke toxic, unhelpful scenes.
Actual fact: lethargy, freeze response, depression. Frame: "lazy", "inept", "selfish", "worthless". Scene: every memory ever where I felt lazy and worthless. Effect: emotional flashback. Lesson learned: find an accurate way of talking about lethargy. Points in favour:
Accurate terms always have priority. (Even my inner critic agrees, so probably he's a translator as well.
Recovery entails learning that I have every right to let the truth be the truth, so this word thing is a part of healing. A tiny part maybe, but a part.
Most of those toxic frames and scenes are taken from people who abused me. Those are their thoughts, not mine; not originally. I'm taking back my right to look at my own experiences and find proper words for it.

• Those toxic frames and scenes are process-oriented. They take housework and make it so it's all about character faults. This is not how a professional would think. A professional would first attentively observe the present situation; then work out a desirable and reachable goal; then work out strategies and ways of reaching it that are doable; then go on doing it. A professional would be goal-oriented and realistic, always checking the real world for facts and feedback. Therefore, if I refuse to feel "lazy" when I'm slowed down by an emotional flashback, I'm being professional. (Again: professionalism is always a good thing in my culture, and my inner critic agrees, so the mere use of the word "professional" calms him.)
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  

In My FOO I was called Lazy.
Step1 actual fact. My UNPDM has Ocd tendencies. I could eat off of her floor anytime it was so clean. Her FOO was messy and cluttered, think Hoarding. I think she handles the Abuse from MyuNPD STD by the flight method. keeping busy to forget. He might have abused her IF things were not immaculate. FACTS about me: I am intelligent, I am a combo FAWN/freeze. I am sentimental, uNPDM likes everything new and shiny. FOO was poor, mostly because uNPD stD drank the money away...since I am sentimental then I like old stuff. uNPD calls it junk. A good way for me to freeze was to sit in MY bunk bed reading. I read everything that was in the house. (I even read a NAVY manual about swimming, saving lives from the Korean war) My Mother routinely threw away trinkets that I had collected in one sock drawer.
STEP 2: So the FOO words used to describe me are, lazy, messy, nervous, scatterbrained, professor, granny,

so to reframe MY list I do this:

• Lazy: I (must have earned from an early age to freeze by sitting quietly and reading. That kept me from My uNPDM's sight and out of trouble.) I escaped MY troubled childhood by persuing books to escape. None could take My knowledge away from me. Unlike MY uNPDM threw MY STUFF AWAY.   
• Messy: I don't remember being so messy really, but in the eyes of a OCD person, anything was messy. So, I frame the truth as NORMAL.
• Scatterbrained,Nervous: I also frame this as normal...I mean what child put through the crap I was wouldn't be forgetful? What Child would NOT BE nervous wondering when the next shoe would fall? Also on Scatterbrained...I lived in a pretend world to SURVIVE the Abuse.
• Professor, NOT really negative but to understand it...I read everything in sight. I read continuously to avoid the abuse (IF I was out of sight I was out of mind to uNPDM) So I taught Myself to read and I read what was in the house, so I was reading Old High school textbooks by 3RD grade. So I use the word intelligent, self taught.
• Granny, This was really a Name My siblings gave me. actually I am fond of the name and haven't heard it much since my brothers died.    The Name is accurate though because i was the OLDEST child, I took over the role of Mother because MY Mother was NOT very emotional, so I was the one that soothed My siblings, I was the one that gave them advice, I was the MOTHER.

So the new LIST I have compiled is:

• Lazy=staying out of trouble by being quit and out of sight.
• messy= A normal child that made some messes, but it is normal. sentimental
• scatterbrained, nervous, =normal any child would react the same way with said abuse.
• Professor=intelligent, thoughtful, self educated.
• Granny=loving, caring, therapist, caretaker, responsible

YOU ARE SO HELPFUL,INTELLIGENT, TO TEACH US THIS THANK YOU! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Wow, thanks.     I love this forum. Glad to hear this was useful to you. Yay yay yay yay yay!

And I'm sorry to hear about your brothers. I'm guessing since you were parenting them, their deaths must have been especially hard to take.

[Badmemories]

1977 the worst year of My life.. I lost 2 brothers, My brother -in Law,and 2 of My brother's close friends, all to suicide. Someone ran over My cat that summer also. I think I just Froze. I think I was numb for at least 2 years.

Out of the 3 siblings left. My uNPDS talks about it all the time, but never resolves it. My Brother ( who lost his twin) NEVER talks about it. he swept it under the rug. I feel I have worked out the pain and guilt.

[Kizzie]

BadMemories - {{Hugs}}  that's a lot to deal with, but you are doing some great work to get through it rather than stuff it down.  Kudos.

[keepfighting]

(((BadMemories)))

What a horrible horrible loss to bear.

Shame that your bro and sis are in very different places than you are in dealing with it.

You haven't chosen the easiest way to deal with all the hurt, but probably the healthiest. Keep on going! Kudos!

[Kizzie]

Hey Katz - what do you think about an exercise worksheet based on your earlier post?  I think it would be a really useful for the the Toolbox. Sorry, no pressure (not much anyway), just a thought     

[schrödinger's cat]

Gladly. How about I post it here so you all can give me feedback before we post it "officially"?

[schrödinger's cat]

Here's what such a worksheet might look like. Please tell me if it's doable. I've only ever done this for myself, and have no idea whether it's at all useful. Also, half of it is taken from Badmemories' post, so it's not my worksheet, it's ours. I'm hoping it's okay that I took her post as inspiration? (Badmemories, tell me if it isn't and I'm going to change things.)

-----------------------------

PROBLEMATIC COGNITION. What's the toxic thought or concept that's in my head right now (or that was in my head during a specific EF)?

Example: "I'm lazy and inept"

HOW TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS: (if you already know clearly what the problematic thought is, skip straight to step one)

BEHAVIOUR. How am I acting? Take a step back and observe yourself like you're a sociologist. What are you doing now that you aren't doing when you're feeling well?

Example: physically exhausted, avoid leaving the house, avoid doing even small and mundane tasks, overeating, spending too much time playing computer games.

BONUS QUESTION: Does this happen to vaguely remind you of one of the four standard responses to overwhelming stress (Fight, Flight, Fawn, and Freeze)?

Freeze response

FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. Sometimes it's triggering to delve too far into one's own feelings and thoughts, so be kind to yourself and let yourself be as detailed or vague as you know is good for you right now. Sometimes dipping our toe into the truth is enough, we don't have to dive into it off a cliff.

Having said that: while you're acting this way, how do you feel about yourself and/or about the world? What tags did your abusers pin to you?

(Lazy, selfish, inept, not doing enough of my duty, not being selfless enough because if I were I'd be able to willpower my way out of this, and this proves that I'm worthless. People will emotionally abuse me for this.)

(The following is taken from Badmemories' response.)

REFOCUSSING. Look at the situation again. (Or, look at it as closely as is good for you. You'll know best. Maybe you already have methods of ensuring you're safe while you do this. Mine is, if I find a situation or memory too stressful to contemplate, I mentally turn it into a tilt-shift photograph that I then make black-and-white.) What would be a realistic way of describing the situation? What's the truth?

I'm going into Freeze because something triggered an EF. Once the EF is over, I'll have more energy. Another thing is, my mother was classic Hero Child who responded to her traumas and problems with grimly determined actionism. At such times especially, her standards were exacting, and she'd try to exert control down into the tiniest detail. Since her temper was on a hair-trigger, it was best to stay out of her way - to just be small and insignificant, nothing that got in her way or attracted her attention.

STEP TWO: What's a realistic way of talking about this? What words would accurately describe this?

I'm not lazy, I just have a healthy self-preservation instinct that's unfortunately stuck in DUCK-FOR-COVER mode. I'll move out of this, but it will take time.

STEP THREE. What then is a realistic way of behaving in this situation? What would be the kind, realistic thing to do? Imagine someone you really like and respect, someone competent and strong and sane who always has good reasons for what she does, it doesn't even matter if they're real or if they're historical or fictional. Imagine this person is in precisely the same situation you just described realistically. How would you act towards her? What would you advise she do (can be something big like "cut off contact to that person for at least a year", or something subtle and tiny, or both - whatever's doable and realistically possible right now.)

EXAMPLE: (editing mode won't let me use italics) Educate myself about what normal standards and a normal amount of work look like. Set myself one or two goals that I know I can reach even on a * day like this one, and regard everything else as bonus tasks that I get to feel very smug and accomplished for doing. Write about this so I can vent and rage and emote a little about this. Make espresso. Switch on the radio.

-----------------------

What do you think? I'm especially wondering if I shouldn't simply scratch the first few questions and just start with the two steps Badmemories developped. Shorter worksheets are easier to use. Sometimes if I'm stressed out and I see a big-* CBT worksheet, a part of me goes "oh dear NO".

Or maybe those are two worksheets? A short one for when you already know about a specific word or toxic mental concept that got pinned on you. A longer one for dissecting EFs. If so, then I'm not sure at all that I haven't maybe left out a necessary step? I'll road-test this, but I'd also love to hear what you think.

And I'm not sure about step three. Is there a better way of saying this? Or is that step superfluous? What if someone just can't think of anything to do and then they'd feel  even worse?